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It hits Jeongin like a tidal wave.
Jeongin, who is dependable, and doesn’t need to be reliant on his hyungs, because he’s not just the maknae of the group. He’s Jeongin, someone who put years of work into building a strong, independent persona for the fans and his hyungs.
Jeongin doesn’t need them to lean on. He knows they want to be reliable and present, but Jeongin sees what they go through, and he figures sometimes they have more responsibilities than even he does, despite them all being overworked and not rested enough.
But it’s okay, because Jeongin would show them he could manage just fine.
Until Jeongin lets it slip. A freudian slip of sorts, during a filming day at that as well. They’re filming for SKZ Code, outside at a camping site. The day had been fine overall, it was hard to complain when most of the filming revolved around cooking and eating. This particular episode centered around Minho, the hyung who liked camping the most. He was supposed to act as a middle ground, flip in between teams as Felix couldn’t join so the numbers were off.
It started off fine, Minho had gone over to help the other team, who by the textbook, needed more help. Jeongin had Chan and Changbin with him. Even still, as the hour passed and Minho firmly remained with the others, stealing bits and pieces of their food, helping them cook, Jeongin can’t help the way a thought worms into his head.
He wished Minho would come over and help him as well.
As soon as the thought hits him Jeongin shakes his head, as if he’s able to knock it out of his brain. Chan asks if he’s alright and Jeongin gives his best smile and nod. He didn’t need Minho, not like the others did, but he wanted him. It wasn’t good to be greedy though, Jeongin thinks, as they’re called up individually to write down complaints for the day for the next segment.
The next half hour passes quickly. The crew set up for the next segment and they have makeup re touched before filming presumes. Jeongin isn’t able to clear his mind, no matter how much he’s tried. He can’t help it, every time he looks over to the other side his eyes linger on Minho. He laughs with Hyunjin and Jisung, a wide smile crawling on his face as he gives them all his attention.
It’s stupid, Jeongin tells himself. So stupid. How many times has Jeongin worked with Minho for SKZ Codes and thought about the others wanting some of his attention ? It’s never been an issue, it’s not an issue, but he’s sad. Jeongin is sad. Jealous maybe? But it’s Minho, with their group mates, and Jeongin had Chan and Changbin with him cooking, they really didn’t need the help.
He just wanted it. Jeongin wanted Minho. Perhaps if his hyung had been impressed he’d compliment him, or maybe it’d be like that one time he filmed content with Minho and Jisung and totally failed to cut vegetables, both of them rushing to his side to help. Maybe a small part of Jeongin liked it. Being cared for that way, having someone, Minho, keep an eye on him while he cooks.
It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with Minho being a strong, older, dependable hyung. Jeongin didn’t need someone to lean on. He told that to himself years ago. But he sees it all the time. His hyungs constantly lean on each other. They’re all older than him, technically speaking. And Jeongin has never once judged or made fun of one of them for needing someone to lean on. Maybe he doesn’t always have to be so hard on himself, but that’s something to dwell about at a later time, not in the middle of content filming.
Taping continues with the complaints being read aloud, by Minho of course. It was his episode after all. Jeongin’s zoned out from his swarming thoughts enough that he’s completely forgotten what he contributed to the complaint pile. It should be fine though, he thinks, all of the papers were anonymous.
They start with a few complaints directed towards Changbin, laughter coming easily as the papers burn away. There’s an off complaint about Jisung not being funny, and two about Felix despite him not even being at the recording. It’s fun and light hearted, and Jeongin relaxes from his earlier slump. He was probably just being dramatic.
And then it happens, Minho picks up the next paper, his voice dropping the slightest as he reads it.
“Lee Know, Super sad you only helped the other team”.
Jeongin would pale if he hadn’t been near an open flame, his mind going static as he realizes that was his complaint, that during his inner turmoil he had managed to expose his true feelings about Minho’s lack of help. It was stupid, and Jeongin prays nobody catches on that it was him.
Minho laughs slightly at the end, Hyunjin leaning over to peek at the paper, and immediately announcing it was Jeongin’s hand writing.
There goes that plan, Jeongin thinks. His only backup is to laugh it off, make a few points about Minho sticking to the others, and hope nobody, but especially Minho, remembered the complaint once filming wrapped up.
The others help, taking over and adding to the conversation, pointing out Minho’s snacking on the other teams food. Jeongin makes sure to smile and laugh, like he wasn’t truly sad over the ordeal, fidgeting with the Bokkari in his hands as he does so. And at the end he throws in a teasing comment about Minho liking Hyunjin better, trying everything to make sure it comes across as a joke, to make sure nobody thinks he’s actually upset.
Minho ends it all quickly, stating that Jeongin’s team didn’t need help, they were fine on their own.
And it’s true, Jeongin supposes. They really didn’t need help. He was just selfish, and he wanted. Jeongin wanted Minho’s attention perhaps. Or was it his approval ? Jeongin loved being praised afterall, something he has failed to hide from his members and the cameras. It just happened to be that praise from Minho felt so nice.
The rest of filming passes quick enough, they finish the complaints and wrap up filming within the next half hour. As soon as Jeongin returns his mic he beelines for the van, feeling awful as he bypasses staff he’d normally thank after a shoot ends. Jeongin hopes they all think he’s got a headache and won’t mind his behavior.
Jeongin slips into the back corner of the van, grabbing his bag from where he left it earlier. He slips his headphones out from his bag, hoping everyone will pick up that he isn't in the mood to talk. He needs to stew, and pray his slipped comment washed right over Minho’s head.
As the others start filling in the van, Jeongin keeps his head down, eyes trained on his phone as he mindlessly scrolls through Instagram. He hasn’t even put music on.
Jeongin keeps his head down enough that he misses Minho asking Seungmin to switch spots, and it’s not until they’ve pulled off and headed back to the company that Jeongin realizes Minho has sat right next to him, despite his earlier seat being two rows ahead. It was probably just a coincidence, but as Minho starts poking Jeongin on the side once a minute, Jeongin knows he has to face the inevitable. He let’s it go on for a little bit before it becomes painfully obvious Minho wouldn’t give it up.
Pulling off his headphones, Jeongin finally looks up, head turning to meet Minho’s, who had simultaneously been leaning down to poke at him again. They’re too close, it was coincidental timing and clearly took them both by surprise, but their lips meet.
Only just so, barely even there, and gone before Jeongin really knew what was happening.
They both pull back, words caught as neither of them know what to say. The rest of the van is quiet. It’s a miracle everyone else had been tuckered out enough from filming, all of them lost to their phones or napping on the window. Jeongin lets out a deep breath, determined not to address the kiss, hoping Minho won’t either.
“What did you want?” Jeongin finally asks, eyes brave enough to meet Minho’s own.
Minho does not look as frazzled as Jeongin was, but reacts to the question, his eyes downturn, facial features dropping alongside them.
“Ah, right.”
“Earlier your complaint, you were sad,” Minho starts, and is abruptly cut off by Jeongin.
“I wasn’t sad,” Jeongin promises, hoping Minho accepts it and moves on so they can forget about this whole night.
“Mmm no I don’t believe you,” Minho replies. Jeongin mentally curses in his head.
“I'm not lying I was just making something funny for the camera, that’s all,” Jeongin pushes back, hoping Minho takes the bait.
He doesn’t bite.
“Yennie,” Minho starts, his body shifting sideways to face Jeongin head on.
“Hyung,” Jeongin tries one last time, but it’s futile.
“No you listen to me,” Minho cuts him off this time, voice accidentally raising at the end causing him to peek around the van quickly before turning back to Jeongin.
“Hyung’s sorry,” Minho slaps a hand over Jeongin’s mouth, preventing him from intervening again. Jeongin does not think about their position. Jeongin, hunched down, held by his hyung’s firm hand, said hyung who is sitting up straight enough to look bigger than Jeongin.
“I should’ve helped you out more throughout the day, I got caught up with the others and failed to notice, that’s my fault,” Minho whispers, hand pulling back from Jeongin as he does so. Jeongin mourns the loss.
“But I had Chan hyung and Changbin hyung, so I didn’t need your help, I was just being dramatic,” Jeongin replies back, hopeful Minho will retract his apology.
“You can lie for the cameras but you can’t lie to me,” Minho states all knowingly, reading right through Jeongin’s desperate attempts at covering the situation.
“But I didn’t need you hyung,” Jeongin caves in on himself, voice dropping as he does so. The rest of the van is quiet but fortunately the a/c was blasting enough to offer some semblance of a privacy cloak.
“Maybe not,” Minho agrees.
“But you wanted me, didn’t you?” Minho questions, hitting the nail in the head as Jeongin can only shudder, willing his eyes shut because he knows there’s a tear forming and he can’t stop it.
Minho moves again, pressing closer to Jeongin, one arm coming around his back to pull him into a side hug.
“I’m not allowed to hyung,” Jeongin finally manages after a few moments of sniffling.
“And why’s that?” Minho questions back.
Jeongin wants to say it’s because he doesn’t need help, he’s strong and independent and he can manage things alone. But there’s another part of Jeongin that knows, on a more emotional level, he isn’t allowed to love Minho as much as he does. The thought of it is scary enough, the endless list of outcomes pouring in front of his eyes as Jeongin dares to think of a scenario where he could love Minho wholly.
“I just can’t,” Is all Jeongin manages to supply, not willing to speak the words that pop up in his head.
“Well hyung says you can, okay?” Minho starts, tugging Jeongin in closer to his side, Jeongin’s head falling to Minho’s shoulder.
“Whatever’s got you thinking this way should vacate your pretty little head because hyung knows best and if I say it’s okay I mean it,” Minho whispers, lips right on Jeongin’s hair. Jeongin relaxes despite it all.
He’s too tired to try anything else, Jeongin can fight as much as he wants, but nothing was stronger than his Minho hyung.
“Okay hyung,” Jeongin compromises, a tear falling down his cheek as he dares to melt down into Minho’s embrace.
They fall back into silence, a soft rain coming to pelt against the windows as they near the city again. Everyone else has either fallen asleep or is about to, and Jeongin is well on his way there as well.
Jeongin thinks Minho’s gone asleep, but it must be the other way around, when Jeongin hears Minho whispering one more time.
“Hyung won’t forget you again Yennie,” Minho promises, pressing a kiss to the top of Jeongin’s head. And while Jeongin can lie to himself all he wants, he knows Minho would never lie to him.
So maybe there’s a sliver of hope to hold on to afterall. If Minho says it’s okay, Jeongin might learn to drop his walls afterall.
But only for his Minho hyung.