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Defeat tasted like ash on his tongue and Kaeya wasn't even aware of the reason behind it. Still, a voice at the back of his mind was screaming at him something was definitely wrong. Not where it was supposed to be.
Deeming it time to get up from bed and actually find out what was bothering his subconscious so much, Kaeya dragged a hand across his face. A groan escaped his throat, but he didn't find it in him to care about it.
"You're awake."
For a second, Kaeya was sure he stopped breathing. Perhaps, if he stayed that way a bit longer – not enough to suffocate, of course –, Diluc – of all people, really – would get the heck away from his room– scrap that, from his house!
"Stop doing that, I know you're still awake."
Crap!
"Are you thirsty? Hungry? Does anything hurt?"
Who is this and what did they do to my brother?
Wait.
Why would anything hurt?
Oh.
Oh.
Kaeya's good eye snapped wide open and he stared at the ceiling for a moment, processing events from the other night. He focused on staying calm and, specially, keeping his breathing steady. He wouldn't break down in front of his brother, he was a man. A grown up, Klee would call him.
Archons, Klee. Kaeya hoped the kid hadn't even heard of his situation.
This is a mess.
... and Diluc is still waiting for an answer.
Kaeya cleared his throat, harshly blinking away the burn from his good eye. "I'm fine, thank you."
At that, Diluc scoffed, but made no further comment. "Alright, I'll go tell Jean you're awake." For once in his life, Kaeya wasn't able to read Diluc's voice, nor choice of words. But the fact Jean was nearby after such an incident had taken place couldn't mean good news for anyone.
The chair Diluc must've been sitting on creaked as he supposedly stood up. Kaeya had to imagine the whole scene himself, using the noises and sounds as a guide, since he wasn't ready to properly face him yet. There was a pause, then. "...will you be okay? I'll be back in a second."
"You can leave me unattended, Diluc, I won't run away like a madman." Even though Kaeya had meant it to come out like a harmless comment, in a weak attempt at lowering the growing tension in the room and actually lifting up the mood, he knew his voice had betrayed how exhausted he was.
Another pause, and, this time around, Kaeya could very well picture the tight frown in Diluc's face as he pondered his options: whether to trust Kaeya or not.
"Okay."
You never learn, huh, Master Diluc?
It wasn't as if Kaeya had any energy left to actually escape. Besides, it would make an even bigger fuss and certainly involve more people in this little issue of his.
"Kaeya!"
A pair of arms suddenly wrapped around his neck and brought Kaeya into a warm hug. "I was so worried," Jean kissed the top of his head, and the way her voice wavered broke Kaeya's heart. "Don't ever do that again," she leant her cheek against the side of his head, and Kaeya couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so cared for.
"I'm sorry," Kaeya slowly moved his arms, that felt like sacks of potatoes, and returned the hug, taking a deep breath to try and ease the growing ache in his chest. "For everything," he added in a lower tone, a mere whisper.
"Don't say that," Jean suddenly pulled apart from the hug and cupped one side of his face, gently turning it towards her so that he would meet her eyes.
"Please don't say that. You have nothing to apologize for," Jean's own warm gaze bored into Kaeya's, and he felt really seen. It was strange. It didn't feel bad, nor accusing. "It was a miracle we found you on time, and, if anything, it was our fault for not noticing earlier," Jean then turned to the side, where Diluc was standing behind her, and the man soon nodded in agreement.
Kaeya wanted to laugh. If they hadn't noticed, it had been his own doing. Of course he'd hidden away like a dying cat instead of reaching out, fearing for the worse outcomes. Because, logically, he hadn't foreseen a reaction like this one. Archons, he'd truly believed Diluc hated him, but the man had stayed beside him while he was out cold.
And Jean, who Kaeya had thought that had only held him in high steem because of his job, had been the one to nurse him back to health (for a second time in his life), with both her healing and her special way of bandaging his wounds – he'd quickly recognized the pattern of the bandages around his left wrist.
"Does anything hurt?" Jean brought him back to reality with the question.
"Nope," Kaeya shook his head.
The look they shared lasted a second too long, and Kaeya could almost hear Jean's stern "Kaeya", but she didn't push him. "Okay, that's good," she told him instead, with a strained smile. "Are you thirsty? Hungry? Can we get you anything?"
Her care for him was almost palpable and Kaeya tried not to blush in embarrassment; she shouldn't be here having to worry about him. He'd been supposed to skip this part. (If he didn't, he would never want to leave again.)
"I'm good, thank you, Jean, really," he assured with a tired smile of his own. "How's everything at the Ordo?"
With a scoff, Diluc left the room, and the two knights followed him with their eyes, before they shared a look.
"You do know how to send him away quickly, huh?" Jean smirked at him, and, for a single moment, things felt normal. As if Kaeya hadn't tried to kill himself last night. Huh.
"I do have my tricks," Kaeya shrugged his shoulders, trying to keep the calm before the storm a little bit longer.
However, no matter how hard he tried, something in those words snapped Jean out of their little fantasy, and her smile vanished. "Yeah..." she trailed off, taking a seat at the feet of his bed, letting out a sigh. "Kaeya..."
Here it comes, Kaeya tried to harden his heart, while he was biting his tongue to stop any tears from even forming. Perhaps having this talk would be the one thing to really kill him.
Jean opened and closed her mouth a few times before words actually came out of it. "I'm not mad at you for... no, it isn't that..." she shook her head, pursing her lips into a thin line for a second, looking at the ground. "I just need you to know you can trust me, with anything," she finally said, looking at Kaeya in the eye the whole time.
"Anything?" He weakly replied, getting all hopeful– it would obviously blow up in his face, like it always did. He knew as much, but, like the fool he also knew himself to be, didn’t step back.
"Anything," Jean told him, with that sincere look in her eyes that made Kaeya get even more hopeful.
"You promise?" He asked, like a scared little child. Jean, of course, didn’t comment on it, nor made fun of him.
"I swear on my life, Kaeya," she said instead, moving her hand to grab his, before giving it a light squeeze.
"On Mondstadt?" Kaeya asked again, just for good messure– the woman was too careless with her own well-being, so why not make her swear on something she put over her own well-being?
"I swear on Mondstadt's safety," Jean nodded, never breaking the eye-contact between them.
As if bracing for impact, Kaeya turned away from her and looked at the ground. Actually, it wouldn't be so bad if I were to meet my end by her hand...
"I come from K'haenriah."
"Yes."
"What?"
Kaeya couldn't help but snap his head up in her direction, with had to be a flabbergasted expression. "That's it?" He sharply exhaled, with his mouth agape. In return, Jean couldn't look calmer.
"Kaeya, I knew as much," Jean smiled at him encouragingly, showing she wasn't mocking him, "I'm well educated, you know? And, besides, with that eye of yours, it wasn't exactly subtle," she pointed at her own eye.
"But I'm not from Mond," Kaeya tried to argue, but knew it was a pointless matter. After all, Jean had always found the good in people. So, if she'd deemed the fact he was from K'haenriah not a bad thing, there was no use fighting her.
"Your father would always tell us the story of how he'd found you, and how strange you'd looked. Of course you weren't from around here, but he still brought you in and you became his son." Jean kept that sweet smile of hers on her lips as she spoke, and Kaeya knew how fond she'd been of his father, almost as if he'd been her own family.
But then, she came to a pause, frowning again before there was pity in her eyes. "I don't mean to offend you, or be insensitive, but... please help me understand. Is that what had you so troubled?"
"I mean..." Kaeya trailed off for a second, being genuinely at a loss for words. "I've heard how bad... some people believe the... my homeland to be, so–"
"So what?" Jean cut him off with a frown, but there was no bite to her question. "You've showed nothing but loyalty, not only to me, but to the people of the city you've sworn to protect. As far as I'm concerned, you've kept that promise, so what does it matter where you're from?"
Kaeya blankly blinked at her for a moment, licking his dry lips. "That makes sense, yes," he found himself saying. Surprisingly enough, he actually felt stupid for having doubted Jean's loyalty to him. Even when it came to this specific topic.
Of course she wouldn’t care about it. After all, she had been the one to take me in when I showed up in the middle of the night, with half of my face bloodied and barely standing, and nurse me back to health.
"I'm glad I was able to ease that burden on your shoulders, Kae," Jean moved closer to him, driving her hand to his shoulder and giving it a light squeeze. "But don't ever pull something like this, please," she then whispered, her eyes growing impossibly gentle. Soon enough, they fell over the bandages on his wrist.
After following her gaze, his own eye lingered there, and his other hand moved to touch the soft bandages. "I promise I won't."
After that, Jean left him for a moment, and it didn't take long for his brother's shadow to appear by the door. "How are you feeling?"
"Better now," Kaeya genuinely smiled, feeling calmer now, truly. Jean's words had really eased his mind.
"Jean does have that effect on people," Diluc shrugged his shoulders, but kept himself at a safe distance, still practically next to the door.
"Wait until the post-adrenaline washes away and see how pissed at me she can be," Kaeya weakly tried to joke.
"She stayed by your side the whole time, you know," Diluc fondly smiled, but there was a hint of hurt in his expression. "She wouldn’t... she told me to stay away, so I wouldn’t hurt you."
"I guess she hasn't forgiven you, eh?"
"Have you?" Diluc didn't miss a beat, and Kaeya's face must've betrayed his surprise, because his brother soon backpedaled. "We– we haven't really spoken about it, and I see how wrong I was for not bringing it up sooner."
"It wasn't like that, Diluc–"
"Wasn't it?"
And really, wasn't it?
Diluc frowned at him, but he seemed desperate. No, he looked guilty. "Kaeya you almost died... by your own hand. That's not... it's not an easy thing to forget about," his voice momentarily broke, so Diluc cleared his throat. "I thought you were dead already by the time I found you, Kaeya. I... I don't know what would've happened if you were..."
"Good luck you got here in time, then," Kaeya knew his attempt at humor was entirely useless by that point of the conversation.
"You don't sound very happy," Diluc clicked his tongue at him– there it was, his anger, his go-to when things got tough. A dark part of Kaeya felt almost victorious at being right. At least this was the Diluc he knew– better the devil you know than the devil you don't–
"I'm sorry, that was rude," Diluc was quick to add, and now it was Kaeya's turn to feel guilty.
"Maybe you're right," Kaeya admitted with a sigh, raising his knees and hugging them, while he rested his chin on top of them. "It's just... I don't know."
"You can tell me," Diluc encouraged him, taking a few steps towards him, as if Kaeya would break if he approached him too quickly.
"It's suffocating sometimes," Kaeya let out a dry chuckle, feeling breathless already.
"What is?"
"Everything. I have so many responsabilities and– and I never seem to catch a break, which is probably good though, because it does keep me distracted but once I stop–"
"Kaeya, breathe," Diluc begged him, and now he was in front of him– where had that happened? And yes, he was right, Kaeya should probably breathe, because apparently now he just couldn't catch any air.
"You're okay, I'm right here with you, alright?" Diluc placed both of his hands on his shoulders, sending warmth through his palms– it wasn't uncomfortable, but it did send a shiver through Kaeya's spine. He hadn't even noticed how cold he was.
"Nothing bad is happening," Diluc assured him with a smile.
"Yet I can't stop imagining it happening. There are just too many things that could go wrong. If it isn't someone killing me because of where I come from, it's the Abyss coming here to finish me off, and perhaps taking Mond with me–"
"You're not alone, Kaeya, you hear me?" Diluc cut off his ramblings, and Kaeya's mouth clicked shut– Diluc was hugging him.
"If anything like that were about to happen, I'd be there to stop it. And not just me– people love you," Diluc made a pause, pulling away from the hug and looking him straight in his good eye, "and not only because you're an amazing knight, but because you're you."
Only at that did Kaeya seem to calm down, taking a deep breath. "And even if they turned on you, you'll always have me on your side. I'll never betray you again... like I did that night. I will always regret what I did that day."
"Not as much as I do," Kaeya chuckled, and only then noticed the tears rolling down his cheek– of course, he wiped them away with his sleeve as soon as he did, sniffing. "Archons, I'm a mess."
"It's not so bad to let someone take care of you every once in a while," Diluc smiled at him, and Kaeya saw the tears he was keeping unshed.
"You're one to talk, Diluc," Jean suddenly appeared by the door, taking both brothers by surprise, who looked at each other for a second before turning to her.
"I see you two are finally talking," Jean placed her hands at her hips with a tired smile. "I'm glad."
Then, with a sigh, she said: "I have to go to work... I guess I'll leave you two to it, then, unless... Kaeya, do you need me to stay?" Jean looked at him with the same concern from before.
"I think I'll be okay, Jean. Thanks for everything,"
"Damn it, don't say that," Jean quickly made her way towards him, practically looking about to choke him for a second when she embraced him grabbing him by the neck, then the shoulders.
"I care about you, okay? So never do that again, moron. I'll kill you if you do." His ear had been left against her chest, so he felt her words vibrating against his head, and that somehow made them even more real. This really isn't a figment of my imagination, huh?
"See? I told you she could be scary when she was pissed," Kaeya smirked at Diluc, finally feeling the tension washing away from the room. Thank the stars.
"Whatever you say," Diluc returned the smirk... but it was short-lived. "Still, this won't be a one-time thing. I know feelings... are hard, and dangerous things we sometimes do to avoid them... can have relapses."
He sounds awfully educated on the topic... and he included himself on the group that has any kind of "relapses"... Kaeya thought to himself with a bad feeling on his gut... that felt very much like guilt.
But perhaps this could be the topic of conversation for another day. They would have lots of those – conversations –, right? Now that they were finally on speaking terms again. That second thought made Kaeya softly smile.
"Just know I'm here for you when that happens, okay? To talk, or just have me listening to you. Anything you need," Diluc gave him a court nod, and Kaeya couldn't help but blink at him for a second... not believing what he was hearing. On second thought... isn't this a figment of my imagination?
"I appreciate that a lot, truly," Kaeya looked away, trying not to smile from ear to ear. It's just too good to be true.
Noticing the effect of his words, Diluc warmly laughed, and he sounded just like their father. "I know you do," his gentle hand went back to Kaeya's shoulder, "but let's focus on the now, and have you eat something, shall we?"
Maybe good things do happen after all.