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“I’m an idiot.” Oliver’s still breathing hard, his body covered in a sheen of sweat as he flops onto his back.
“Not really the response that I was hoping for after sex.” Josh isn’t sure whether he should laugh or not. Oliver’s mind sometimes takes bizarre turns and they’ve been apart long enough that he needs a refresher on all things Wolf. He rolls up onto one elbow so that he can look down into the other man’s face, trying to gauge his expression.
“The sex was incredible, you know that. It always is.” He pulls Josh down for a quick kiss. “What I meant was that I can’t believe I wasted six months when I could have been with you. This- being with you- feels so right.”
“That’s because it is. I really tried to get past you and all it did was show me that I don’t want to give you up.” He leans in for an unhurried kiss, content for the moment just to feel Oliver’s mouth on his.
“I don’t want to give you up either.” It’s Oliver’s turn to reach for Josh, planting a soft kiss on the side of his mouth.
“What if I said that it can’t be more than this? Just falling into bed together from time to time?”
That’s definitely not what Oliver wants to hear and he sits up, his mouth tightening slightly. “I will take you any way that I can get you, but I want more than an occasional hookup.”
“What does more look like? How would things be different this time?”
Oliver has fixated on Josh’s massive hands, the pale fingers and delicate wrists so different from his own, sliding together and then apart before coming together again. “Well, for one thing- I’m medicated now. You know all about Hudson Oaks but the one thing they got right was that I need medication to help me regulate my mental health. I found a psychiatrist- no, it’s not Carol- and a therapist and I’m following their instructions to the letter.”
Josh nods, starts to speak, stops and decides to bite the bullet. “Do you plan to keep taking your meds?”
That brings Oliver’s head up. “Of course. You’ll never have to worry about me going off my meds, unless my doctor tells me to. I’m not my father.” The last four words are harsher, the bitterness showing through. It’s the one thing he knows for sure- that he would rather die than treat the people he loves the way his father did. “Do you believe me?”
“Of course I believe you. I just needed to ask the question.”
“You can always ask. I know that I’ve been terrible at communicating, but it’s something I’m working on in therapy. I don’t want to keep secrets from you.”
“What I don’t understand is why you thought you couldn’t talk to me to begin with. What were you afraid of?”
“When my dad came back, I felt like the sky was falling. It changed everything about how I see myself and about the fundamental truths that defined my life. I just tried to push pause on everything, including us, because I thought that, if I could wrap my head around the situation with him, everything else would fall into line. Then he left again and I tried to pretend I was okay because if I didn’t, it felt like he won. I decided everything should go back to exactly the way it was before, as though he hadn’t thrown a grenade into my life. You were right when you said that wasn’t possible but I didn’t want to hear it. And then I was drowning, trying to keep my head above water while taking body blows. You know what happened next. All of that is to say that I was afraid that if you realized how screwed up I was, you’d leave.”
“So you have baggage. Who doesn’t? You don’t end up single at our age without some sort of baggage.”
“I don’t so much have baggage as a shipping container… I’m a lot.”
“Baby, I already knew that.” Josh drawls before chuckling lightly and dropping a kiss on Oliver’s forehead.
“It doesn’t bother you?” Oliver has never really considered that a potential partner would be so unconcerned about his issues and it throws him for a loop.
“Not if you talk to me about it. The part of the situation with your father that was the most frustrating to me was that I would have happily been there while you figured it out. For example, if you didn’t want to stay at your house with your dad, you could have stayed at mine instead of sleeping on the sofa in your office. All you had to do was ask.”
“I know that now. At the time, it didn’t feel right for me to dump 30 years of trauma on you.”
“If we’re together, then we’re together all the way. That means we have to deal with problems together. There’s no such thing as your problems or my problems, just problems that we need to deal with together.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes. If it feels like the sky is falling, I’ll help you hold it up. All I need is for you to tell me when the clouds start coming down.” Oliver all but launches himself at Josh and their lips meet in a fierce kiss.
When they come up for air, Oliver turns thoughtful and asks tentatively, “It sometimes takes me a day or two to work out what is going on in my brain before I can explain it in words. Is that okay?”
“Yes, as long as it really is a day or two. It was the indefinite not knowing that drove me nuts last time. I also need you to tell me if whatever is bothering you is related to me or something else. I’ll help you fix it either way, but I need to know.”
“I will do that, but it’s probably not going to be you.”
“Oliver, I’m going to annoy you sometimes.”
“Yeah, but that’s not going to cause the kind of crisis that I’m talking about. You’re also pretty perfect, so you’re not going to annoy me that much.”
“I’m absolutely not perfect.”
“Um, have you met you?”
“Yes, and I know that I’m not nearly as perfect as you think I am.”
“We might have to agree to disagree on that. Either way, I almost threw this relationship away and I’m absolutely not going to let that happen again. If you’ll give me another chance, I want to do better.”
“Oliver, I’m naked in your bed. I thought it was obvious that I’m giving you another chance.” Josh feels the tension leave the other man as he finally accepts that they are going to be okay.
“Thank God. I was sure I’d blown my chance. What if you’d fallen for that guy you were seeing?”
“That wasn’t going to happen.” Josh has started kissing his way up Oliver’s chest but stops to look him in the eye. “I couldn’t fall for him, because I’m already in love with you. I have been for months.”
“Really? Why? I mean, I know why I love you, but why do you love me?”
Oliver isn’t fishing. He’s genuinely not sure why Josh loves him, especially after everything that’s happened. Josh rolls his eyes and then breaks into a wide grin.
“I like a challenge and loving you is the challenge of a lifetime.”