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Matthew Williams V.S. The World

Summary:

Matthew has been trying his best to navigate being a young adult but he has no clue what he's doing, why he's doing it, when, who and how. He doesn't fit in here, he didn't fit in there, not in his brother's shadow, not in his own light. What's a man gotta do to just be happy eh? How is one even supposed to find their place in the world when every role is already taken?

Notes:

this is my escape from my other, Alfred centric, planned in extreme detail, stress inducing, crash out worthy, fic. With that one I gotta lock in and write, foreshadow, think, this is just me really liking Matthew and wanting to write just for the sake of writing. Maybe it's gonna lead into cucan, maybe it's gonna be about the face family, maybe about Matthew and Alfred, maybe it's just gonna be about Matthew. I don't know, I'll decide along the way!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Rebooting

Chapter Text

It was pouring outside, heavily, loudly.

The rain kept slamming against the cafe’s windows without any respect for the poor souls stuck inside praying it would just stop so they could go back out. 

They chatted over empty mugs and little dishes with crumbs, some visibly growing frustrated, some completely at ease in their skin, some a little nervous their conversation topics would soon run out but still not too angry at the weather. 

Oh, how Matthew wished he were one of them. 

His shift was almost over, sure, but for some reason his past self hadn’t thought twice when offering himself up to help Kiku close the store for the day, as no one else except the him was scheduled past 7 pm. Holy managing mistake, but he guessed their boss probably expected him to step up and help out as he always did. 

The stream of customers seemed endless, they chatted between themselves, they ordered, they barely thanked him and then moved on. Being behind the register as a soft spoken person sucked so much.

Between all the strangers he could spot a few familiar faces. Some passed by everyday, or at least everytime he was scheduled (as he only worked part time), some were likely just hiding from the disgusting weather outside. They were mostly Alfred’s friends, so he recognised them but that pleasantry was not mutual. They would walk up to the counter and either flat out mistake him for Alfred, like Mathias always did, or stop and ponder if it was socially acceptable to ask a stranger why they looked so much like one of their friends. They all knew him, of course, how else would Matthew know them? But apparently they didn't know know him. 

Nothing out of the ordinary. 

Next to him, Lovino kept shifting uncomfortably, fiddling uselessly with a mop as he pretended to be doing something productive. Matthew knew he was a slacker the second they met on his first day; the Italian had been assigned to train him but somehow was seemingly even worse than Matthew at making coffees. He would make simple mistakes and chalk it up to luck and the horoscope. It was kinda obvious to Matthew he simply didn’t want to train him and was doing literally everything in his power to make himself useless, but pointing it out to anyone wouldn't be worth the hassle.

Between customers, Lovino would mumble something under his breath, and even if Matthew knew the italian wasn’t directly talking to him but was instead simply trying to release some frustration, he’d always acknowledge him some way or another, validating whatever complaint he was rambling about. Awkward small talk with a hothead like Lovino wasn’t exactly ideal, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do when it comes to getting his daily dose of social interaction. He’d do anything to not pay mind to the way his head was throbbing. 

Every now and then, because god forbid he could have a little bit of peace, a crash or a curse could be heard reverberating throughout the place. Who even thought letting Feliks be in charge of training Kiku was a good idea? Matthew was sure he was gonna get the job basically thrown his way, but apparently Feliks had taken it upon himself to train the newbie. Of course, training for him didn’t mean staying back late or getting to work early to teach Kiku how to properly open and close, it simply meant being praised at the end of the month for being a ‘team player’. 

Earlier that day, Kiku had hesitantly approached Matthew just after he had clocked in and asked him, rather politely he must say, how to close the store; the poor guy had been assigned the closing shift on his second day. Matthew was scheduled to finish at 5 pm that day, but still offered to stay until 8:30 pm to help Kiku out. He could tell the guy was a little worried about it, so why not help out eh?

Once he could finally clock out, some of the fog at the edges of his mind and vision seemed to lift, making space for some very needed mental clarity. He quickly filled a cup of water for himself and went to change. God that uniform was uncomfortable! He grabbed his laptop from his bag and just sat down at a table in their break room. Initially, he had told himself he could just spend the next 2 hours studying, he knew he couldn’t afford to let himself fall behind in his classes. The threat of being pulled out of university loomed over him like an omnipresent ghost: after all, he had only gotten in after an excessive amount of begging and a hockey scholarship, losing it all because of his urge to slack off would be rather embarrassing. He probably wouldn’t survive living on with the shame of being a drop out. 

Before he could actually find the strength to turn on the thing, he rubbed at his face tiringly, pushing his glasses around and messing his bangs up. 

Man was he tired!

And it was only 5:15 pm.

….

Some rest couldn’t hurt, right? He could always do his work later or at night. 

It wasn’t like anyone was gonna come in and make speaking to him of all people their top priority anyway.

He sighed, took off his glasses, pulled his hood up and simply let his head drop into his arms, crashing hard against the plastic table. His head hurt, when didn't it, but thankfully he managed to slip into unconsciousness soon enough. 

 

✦•┈๑⋅⋯‧₊˚☂︎₊˚⊹⋯⋅๑┈•✦ 

 

He slowly came back to consciousness only when Kiku started softly, but repeatedly, tapping his shoulder. The tapping had become rather insistent when Matthew finally managed to get himself to raise his head and look up at the Japanese man standing beside him. Once his lagging brain caught up and realised he must’ve been passed out for a good 2 hours, he fumbled to put his glasses on, shaking the drowsiness away.

“I am sorry to wake you, are you okay?” He heard Kiku softly ask once their eyes met.

“Ah.. yes, sorry! Is there something you need?”

He must’ve been a little too eager with his answer because, despite his brain still working on putting itself back together, he managed to catch the subtle change in Kiku’s expression. He went from stoically neutral to slightly taken aback, silently running his eyes up and down Matthew’s figure. 

“ はい (yes), it is closing time.”

Upon hearing that, Matthew had to restrain himself from letting his face display all the despair he was feeling. It was closing time?! God, why had he slept so long?! Kiku was silently staring at him while he went through the 5 stages of grief at lightning speed, searching in his mind for an expression that wouldn’t let show how out of it he was. 

“Oh- oh yeah! Yeah- I’ll be right there, just give me a second please.”  He said, almost cutting himself off twice. 

Kiku silently nodded and didn’t hesitate before leaving Matthew’s side, heading back out into the Cafe. It must’ve been pretty empty if he had time to come into the break room looking for Matthew- or maybe Matthew had left him waiting and it was super late! He sure hoped Kiku didn’t think he was insane for just awkwardly passing out like that. Was he insane? Oh god, Kiku sure thought he was a weirdo now! Way to go Matt!

Quickly, he fixed his hair as well as he could without a mirror, wiped his glasses and stretched a bit, yawning profusely in the process. He rubbed his face a few times, basically feeling the eyebags under his eyes. 

He silently, and quite shamefully, made his way out of the back, still rubbing sleep away from his eyes as he tried his best to arrange his face into something resembling a friendly and confident smile. A quick nap hadn’t solved anything, his head still felt heavy, but at least now he could form more than two coherent thoughts. As he took in the dim café light, he noticed how spotless everything looked; the floors practically reflected the ceiling and the counters and tables had all been wiped down, a rare and incredible sight.

He soon spotted Kiku in a corner of the shop as he was adjusting some chairs with his back to Matthew. The clock read 8:34 pm, thankfully he hadn’t left him waiting too long! He sure hoped they weren’t gonna get written up for staying late though.

“It must’ve been a very slow last thirty minutes,” he said, brightening his smile and adjusting his glasses. “It’s all so clean, good job.”

Kiku turned around with a jolt, startled, clearly having not heard Matthew approach. “Oh.. thank you.” he said, dipping his head with a shy, almost apologetic smile. “Yes, well, I thought I could begin cleaning early since there were no customers” He slowly pushed a chair in, suddenly unsure. “I hope that’s allowed.”

“It is, don’t worry.” Matthew gave a soft chuckle, leaning his shoulder against the counter for support he hoped didn’t look like support. He hesitated for a second before speaking again. “I hope Feliks didn’t give you too much trouble, eh?”

Kiku’s posture stiffened slightly. He took a moment, probably choosing his response carefully. “He was… okay.” His eyes slid briefly to the doorway. “I don’t want to talk badly. I barely know him.”

“Yeah- you’re right, sorry.” Matthew winced at himself, heat rising in his cheeks. Why did he even say that? If Kiku didn’t already find him weird he was surely gonna now!  “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.”

He slid a hand through his hair, painfully aware that it probably still looked flat and rather messy.

To his relief, Kiku gave him an understanding smile and nodded slowly. “It is alright.” he said quietly. “I’m just… still getting used to everyone.”

Matthew nodded, relaxing a little. “Of course. Don’t worry, it took me a while too.” 

“Alright then..” Matthew said after a few seconds, pushing himself off the counter slowly. “Uh- sorry again for.. you know.. having made you wake me up.

Kiku shook his head immediately. “You do not need to apologise to me when you are doing me a favour.”

In response, Matthew gave a tiny, relieved huff of a laugh. “Thanks for not panicking and setting the café on fire or anything.”

Kiku blinked, horrified. “I would never-”

“Oh- no! I didn’t mean- sorry!” Matthew rubbed the back of his neck, maybe that sleep didn’t do him that good after all. “That was a joke, a really, really bad one. Please don’t worry.”

Kiku stared for a second, then gave him a small, unsure smile. “Ah. Alright...”

To break the tension as fast as possible, Matthew quickly directed Kiku behind the counter. They finished the last of the closing tasks together: he showed Kiku how to clock out, how to stack up for the next day, where the cleaning supplies went and where the keys to the store were.

“..but really, if you forget, it’s okay.”

Kiku listened closely, nodding with admirable seriousness. “I will do my best not to.”

“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it soon” Matthew assured him, giving an encouraging smile. He was really trying his best to seem friendly but man was it hard to ignore the exhaustion tugging down his eyelids.  

Kiku looked down, flustered but, hopefully, pleased. “Thank you.”

After making sure they had nothing else to take care of, Kiku briefly left to get changed and Matthew followed suit. He silently packed his bag and slid on his jacket while the other changed out of his uniform in the bathroom. He patiently waited for Kiku by the door, taking the opportunity to check his phone.

It wasn’t like he ever expected notifications to pop up, but something deep in him always moved him to check, just in case, just to be sure. The display silently stared back at him, almost threatening to burn his eyelids off, empty except for a storm warning by the weather app. Great, just great, how the weather could possibly morph into a storm when it had been sunny just this morning was truly beyond him. 

Once Kiku emerged from the bathroom they both quickly made their way to the exit. He showed him how to dim the lights, how to lock the door and lower the blinds before wishing him goodnight. Kiku thanked him again and then took off in the rain, seemingly unbothered by the downpour coming down on his umbrella. 

Matthew stood there for a few more minutes before slipping his hood up and bracing himself for the worst. He silently walked to the bus stop without ever lifting his eyes off the side walk, rawdogging the quiet, alone with his thoughts. A few cars passed by and slightly splashed him, not really making a difference to his already soaked clothes.

The second he got to the stop, he slumped against the cubicle and did his best to glue his eyes to the direction the bus was coming from. He really couldn’t risk missing it but between his unfocused vision and his wet glasses the chances he’d just zone out and let it pass by were frankly quite high.

He patiently waited, his face practically devoid of any emotion. 

The bus ride home was just as much of a blur as the rest of the day had been, somehow being both the longest and the fastest 30 minutes of his life. He got on, paid, sat down, zoned out until the supermarket he used as a landmark came hazily into view, thanked the driver and got off the bus. Once again he silently walked to his dorm, never in his life had he been more grateful it was on the last floor, really! Who didn’t want to climb 8 flights of stairs on a day like this?

He had barely shuffled past the front door when the loud, videogamey, noises hit him; Alfred was slumped on the couch, too focused with whatever he was doing to notice him coming in. He yelled, the tv yelled back at him, back and forth until Matthew’s ears were bleeding and pleading for mercy. 

He started shaking off his wet clothes without saying hi, sure Alfred wasn’t gonna hear him even if he tried. First his shoes, then his jacket and his hoodie, once he had taken everything off he placed them to dry on the nearest radiator and lingered there momentarily to de-frost his hands. 

As the yelling slowed down for a moment, Matthew took the chance to strain his voice and make his presence known to his brother. 

“Al, I’m home.”

Immediately, Alfred jumped off the couch and took off his headset. It took him a second to notice where Matthew was standing, but when he did he broke into a grin and waved, a comically grand gesture for a mostly dark room. 

“Mattie! Took ya long enough! Sorry but I ordered dinner,” Alfred shrugged and plopped back down on the couch. “I was starving and you were like nowhere to be found.”

Matthew sighed, just now taking note of the greasy pizza carton left on the couch next to Alfred. He really hoped that wasn’t gonna stain, or he’d have to obsessively clean it in the morning.

“You could’ve texted..”

“I was busy! Can’t pause online games y'know?"

“..Sure.”

The gaming resumed without a word, right before Matthew could ask Alfred how his day had been or what he was getting up to. Figuring it was best not to disturb the intense grinding his brother seemed to be really into, he dragged himself to his room silently. 

Everyday he thanked the college sorting deities for giving them separate rooms. They still had to share a kitchen/living room/entrance and a bathroom, but at least Matthew could sleep or pull all nighters peacefully without being subjected to Alfred’s late night shenanigans. During the day though, all that privacy was quickly thrown out the window: Alfred would go in and out of his room as he pleased, borrowing Matthew’s stuff without a care. It ranged from borrowing a shirt on days he forgot to do his laundry to taking his very needed school supplies, his phone charger, or even his laptop! Basically anything Alfred could get his hands on. 

He shut the door behind himself and stripped off his very wet outside clothes, remaining just in his underwear. He briefly looked to his bag to find even the slightest motivation to get some work done, just like he had promised himself, but found nothing except the urge to just flop down on his bed and make time go by faster. Until what? He wasn’t quite sure. Just faster.

It wasn’t like it had been a particularly bad day, so why couldn’t he bring himself to do some work? To change clothes? To do anything except stand there and look stupid?

His hair was wet and kinda gross, but he didn’t feel like showering now. He could always wake up early tomorrow (as he always did) and do it then, unless Alfred somehow managed to wake up before him but eh, that was quite unlikely. 

He knew he already had an alarm set up for the next day, it set itself automatically, so he just very slowly crumbled onto the bed with his phone right next to his head. He melted into the mattress without even covering himself with the blankets, the ceiling somehow seeming so interesting he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the void in front of them. 

After a while, he groaned and took off his glasses, finally opting to shift into a more comfortable position.

Despite having waited the whole day for this moment, sleep didn’t come to him until around midnight.