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"It's over, isn't it?"
The night wind was chilly, a breeze that came and went with no promise of staying. It whispered through the air, through the sounds of happy laughter, through the thick of John Laurens' heavy heart.
The balcony of his hotel room overlooked the wedding reception on the pool deck. The night had been near unbearable-- everyone was too happy for them, too excited. Each congratulatory speech, every "I knew you two were meant for each other", every "I've never seen Alexander look at anyone the way he looks at you, Eliza", every "I knew it was love at first sight" drove the dagger deeper into his heart. Alexander's knowing apologetic smiles towards him made him want to break something because it hurt so badly.
Needless to say, John took the first opportunity he could to run away from the festivities to his hotel room. Leaving the lights off, he flopped on the bed at first, staring at the ceiling with his hands folded on his stomach, trying to gather his messy, messy thoughts. The difficult part was that none of them were coherent thoughts, just feelings and anger and sadness and his inability to feel happy at such an important part of an important person's life made him feel downright miserable and shitty.
The blank white ceiling did nothing to help him. He moved out onto the balcony and looked down to the brightly lit and booming pool deck.
For a while he thought he was going to be the one to be marrying Alexander. He would fantasize about it often while he lied next to Alexander, the morning light making him glow as John threaded his hands through the smaller man's hair. He would think about what they'd look like next to each other on the altar, their friends next to them whooping and hollering, sliding the ring onto Alex's finger as tears cascaded from both of their eyes from happiness.
They would have kissed each other, John would pull him down so Alexander would fall into his arms and he would reach down to kiss him again and everyone would cheer for them and then bells would be ringing and it would be the two of them running down the aisle together, tightly grasping each other's hand. Then they would go to the reception and Lafayette would've been his best man and he would've given an eloquent speech and Hercules would cheer as Lafayette spoke.
The cake they would've cut together. The dance they would've danced together. The intimate moment when it was only the two of them on the dance floor as everyone watched them, seeing how completely in love they were.
But now he was part of that audience. He plastered as great a smile as he could for them, knowing as happy and distracted as Alexander was, he would still send John glances to make sure he was doing fine.
And as far as Alexander knew, he was fine. He would smile back at Alex and Alex would smile back and return his attentions elsewhere.
At some point Lafayette, still the best man, clapped his back and wrapped his arm around his shoulders as his other hand held a drink. Asked him how he was doing and John almost broke, but he breathed and blinked a couple of times before gritting out that he was fine. Lafayette knew better, he knew everything, sometimes it felt like he knew John better than he knew himself. Lafayette squeezed his shoulder, pulled him close so that their sides were flush together and leaned his head onto John's.
"Not drinking tonight?" Lafayette asked.
"It's probably not a good idea," replied John. Lafayette hummed back as he took a sip from his glass. John knew how his mouth tended to run, how much of an open book he became and how clingy and touchy he knew he was and he knew he would cry when he was drunk and that would have been the worst. "Like how it wasn't a good idea for me to be the best man, y'know?"
"Under different circumstances, I'm sure Alex would have chosen you to be the best man instead."
"Yeah. Circumstances," John muttered as he stared at the happy newlyweds from afar.
"Eliza doesn't know about it," said Lafayette. John didn't respond-- couldn't respond. "She was curious why you weren't the best man."
"Alex made the right choice. It wouldn't have done the wedding any good if the bride found out her groom was screwing the best man for the most of their relationship."
This time it was Lafayette who didn't respond, only squeezing his shoulder and rubbing with his thumb in response.
The engagement announcement came to him as a shock. He knew about Eliza-- fuck, they were even friends. Eliza was this beautiful, charming, intelligent woman and he knew Alexander loved her, but he so strongly believed he would win. She would just be a phase, like the other girls. John was a constant in Alexander's life and he thought that meant something.
Apparently she meant more to him.
Alexander had invited the whole group out to dinner. Eliza, Lafayette, Hercules, Angelica, Peggy, even Jefferson, Madison and Aaron Burr. Washington and his wife were also invited, although they were significantly older, they were like Alexander's family.
Alexander didn't look at him once. Avoided his gaze and whatever, if Alex had a problem, it was sure to come up later to be talked through and solved. He wasn't one to hide whatever he was feeling.
After most of them had finished eating, Alexander rose with a glass of wine in one hand.
"Everyone, everyone, settle down," he said, trying to capture everyone's attention. John looked at him, one eyebrow raised. Alex finally threw him a glance and cleared his throat, addressing the table. "I-- we," he gestured towards Eliza, "have an important announcement to make."
John's brain must have stopped working. Hercules, Angelica and Lafayette looked at him, but were recaptured by Alex.
"We're officially engaged!" The whole table cheered, clapped and clinked their dishes together. John was frozen, his eyes dropped and stuck to the plate in front of him. Why was he invited to this. He was embarrassed, ashamed of himself for thinking so highly of himself, for thinking he would dump the perfect Eliza for him, for-- just--
"I have to go," John sputtered, taking the cloth off his lap and placing it onto the table. He picked up his phone, stood up and he got the table's attention. "Emergency at the hospital, bad timing, haha." He looked at Alexander, whose lips were pursed tightly, not looking at him. "Congratulations Eliza, you finally reeled in the tomcat." That earned him a couple of chuckles. "Gotta go. Lafayette cover me, I'll pay you back."
"Oui, oui," replied Lafayette, giving him a sympathetic look. Angelica was staring at him and it unnerved him and he just. Just couldn't take it and he left.
He wasn't crying. He was going on autopilot, he felt nothing, he just knew he was walking and walking and he was at his place and he was in the shower, he brushed his teeth and went to sleep. The next morning almost felt completely normal. He checked his phone, it was almost dead. A text message from Alex.
I'm sorry for. That. I didn't know how to tell you, but I couldn't not invite you. I'm sorry, John. I love you, I still do, but I just think Eliza is just. That.
Anger swelled up in John's chest as he furiously texted him back, tears of frustration threatening to fall from his eyes.
Fuck you, don't give me that bullshit. Fuck you, if you're going to marry her at least love her with all your heart, she deserves at least that. Fuck you so much
The urge to throw his phone against the wall or out the window was overwhelming, but that was stupid and he threw the phone back against the bed and ran his hands down his face. It didn't feel real. It didn't feel like he was in his body. Things were just happening around his body and he watched from afar.
Alexander didn't text back. It wasn't even three days ago they were so intertwined with each other's naked bodies, whispering sweet nothings, kissing sweetly and softly, burying their face in the other's neck.
Instead he buried himself in his work, taking extra shifts if he could, almost even took on a part time job just so he'd have absolutely no free time to be invited out with his friends. His world shut completely because so much of his world was tied to Alexander. His life was a whirlwind. Was he always the person on the side?
Lafayette and Hercules came over to his place occasionally and kept him company. They watched sports, news, movies, whatever together. They knew how deeply John was in love with Alex, how enamoured, how enraptured, how completely putty he was in Alex's hands. And all of it was thrown back in his face in public. The two carefully avoided mentioning Alex and John appreciated it, but hated the fact that they felt that they had to tiptoe around him. But he appreciated that too.
John found happiness in his work. He found helping people to be incredibly uplifting and motivating, like he was doing something right. Even if he felt like shit, at least he could make other people feel better-- physically or emotionally. He made friends with his patients and his coworkers and he loved it. It healed his aching heart.
It was one great day, until a patient had been admitted with severe physical exhaustion. A certain Alexander Hamilton who would one day write himself to death was assigned to him. The moment he saw him sleeping on the bed, he felt his throat close up.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Eliza was sitting next to him, holding his hand tenderly. The sight made John want to run away, but he was a professional with a job to do. Even if his job was him.
"John!" exclaimed Eliza in surprise. "I haven't seen you in forever! Did you come to visit Alexander?"
"I'm his doctor, actually," replied John sheepishly. He tried hard to hate Eliza, he really did, but he couldn't. He probably would have fallen in love with her too if he wasn't so head over heels for Alexander. "I've been pretty busy here, I haven't really had the time to go out or anything, honestly."
Eliza smiled at him gently as he went to check his vitals.
"He's been pretty busy too, working himself to death." Eliza sighed. "With planning the wedding and his job, it's been pretty hectic for us. You should come over to our place when you have the time. We've missed you so much."
We.
"I'll do my best," said John, smiling at her softly. "Alright, everything seems fine, he just needs fluids and plenty of rest."
"Alright, thank you," said Eliza. John started making his way out, but Eliza spoke again. "John, I don't know what happened between you two, but I know Alex feels terrible for what he's done and we both want you to be at our wedding. You're so important to him."
John's guts twisted. He could only manage a smile at Eliza before he bolted out of there.
He tried to be as scarce from that room as he could. Alexander caught him once, but didn't say anything, only let him do his doctorly duties. John gave him advice and medicine and promptly left.
A couple of days after Alex was discharged, John couldn't stop dwelling on what Eliza said. Her words floated in his mind and his fingers floated over his phone. Was Alexander's phone number the same? Did he change it? Would it be weird of him to ask Alex to go out and have dinner and talk it our or--
Ring, ring
His finger had grazed over the call button. John panicked, not knowing what to do-- if he should hang up or keep the call or-- fuck Alexander would know he tried to call and--
"Hello? John?"
Fuck.
John shakily held the phone up to his ear. "Hey, Alexander. How are you doing?"
"Fine? I don't... I don't want to sound rude, but was there something you needed?"
Deep breaths, deep breaths. God, Alex sounded like such an asshole. You'd think that the best friend who broke your heart would be happy to hear from you at all, that you're trying to reach out. Whatever. John gritted his teeth before responding.
"I saw Eliza in your hospital room when you were--"
"Yes, she told me."
"--first admitted and she told me to…that…"
"John?"
"Alex, you're my best friend and I miss you," John blurted out. A beat of silence hung between the two.
"I've missed you too," said Alex lowly. "I'm so sor--"
"Why don't we meet up, just the two of us? Have dinner and talk then."
"Alright, alright, that sounds good."
"I'll text you details, then. I'll see you."
"See you."
Click.
His heart felt a hundred pounds lighter, lighter than its ever been in months. Elated, happy, excited, unbelievable. The pressure that he felt in his chest lightened. He could jump for joy if he didn't feel so silly doing it.
After a moment, he settled and a different set of dread set in. Shit, they were going to have to talk about his wedding and their relation with each other now and the dynamic of their relationship was never going to be the same as it was before. Still, John felt better than he had in months and that was still something to celebrate.
The two meet in a diner, casual and comfortable and it was slightly awkward. The two said their his and and hellos and sat down in a booth. They looked over the menu in silence, ordered their food and looked at everything except each other.
"So..." began Alex. "Work been busy?"
"Yeah," replied John, carefully looking back up at Alex, who was already looking at him. "I know you've been busy, you went to the hospital for it."
Alex chuckled lightly. "Yeah, it was a little crazy…Look, I know things got fucked up between the two of us and I really didn't mean to put you in that spot that night. I tried to tell you, I swear, but it was so hard and it was the only way I could let you know. John, I know it might be too much of me to ask this especially after what happened but you're so important to me and even though we haven't even talked for the past couple of months, you're still the most important friend I have. Will you please be my best man?"
Most important friend.
Best man.
"You're my best friend too, man, but I," John looked to the side and scratched the back of his head, "don't think I can. I can't, I really can't. I'd love to, maybe, under different circumstances, but I... can't. I can't…congratulate you."
Alex bit the bottom of his lip as he fiddled with his thumbs. "I understand. Would you consider attending the wedding at all, though? It's shitty, I know, but it's important to me and you're important to me, so…y'know?"
"I'll try my best is all I can tell you right now," replied John. "Do you have a date already?"
"Not yet, we're still trying to figure out when Eliza's parent's can get here and the arrangements and the music and ugh," Alex bopped his head on the table. "There's so much to do."
John bit the inside of his lip, trying to find something to say like "good luck, man," or "hey if you need any help just let me know," but he wouldn't mean any of those and decided to just remain quiet.
Their food finally arrived and they ate peacefully, occasionally throwing in little stories about what they've done during the period when they didn't talk to each other. They eased into each other again, back like two puzzle pieces that have always belonged to each other. While Alex completed John's picture, he didn't complete Alex's. Eliza was there for that and his heart ached to be part of his life and if this was the best they could do, then he'll take it.
Alex had always been a friend before a lover anyway. He'll take it. He'll be a good friend to the two of them. He won't tell Eliza anything because John didn't want her to get hurt. She deserved more than he ever did.
The two finished dinner, exchanged a couple more stories and then left the restaurant. Alex had to go back home and John had to wake up early the next day.
Alex extended a hand for John to shake and he awkwardly took it. The two robotically moved their hands up and down before pulling each other into a warm embrace. John accidentally took a whiff of Alexander's familiar scent and he almost sobbed right then and there, but held himself together.
"Let's be in contact, yeah?" said Alex as he pulled apart.
"Yeah," said John.
And they parted ways.
And in the end, John attended the wedding with a heavy heart.
The wedding was beautiful, it really was. They held it at a venue where it was surrounded by tall trees, providing plenty of shadow on the dirt ground. It felt like a secluded forest, filled with nature and plenty of beautiful flowers and delicate white sheets hung about gave the place an ethereal feeling. It was better than anything John could have planned for his own wedding and it had "Eliza" written all over it. Delicate, natural, and simple, everything that John was not.
The aisle was lined with large beautiful flowers and fairy lights on the sides. At the end was a large arch where they would give their vows, also decorate with fresh flowers, fairy lights, and fluttering white fabric on each side.
People were still bustling about and John decided to take an experimental walk down the aisle, hands in his pockets, looking as casual as he could. Imagine walking down this aisle.
He reached the end and stopped, looking at the arch. The arch. The arch. The arch. The arch. Where it would happen. Where it would decide the finality of the separation of their hearts. Where it would be over, over, over over overoverover. Over.
Did Alexander ever really love him? Were those "I love you, I love you so much," only during the heat of the moment? While he was high on endorphins and sex, in his post-orgasm haze? Those soft kisses in the morning, those tender goodbyes, those times when he squeezed his hand, their fingers weaved around each other, fitting so perfectly. He knew there was Eliza, but everyone else had always been a phase. She was supposed to be a phase, but he lost. He lost. He lost.
He turned back around and bumped into a familiar body. Lafayette, who was looking down at him with a sympathetic, crooked smile.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Shut up," John blushed and softly punched his chest.
"It's about to start," Lafayette placed his hand on John's back and softly nudged him towards the seats. "Take your seat, alright? You can do this." And with a soft kiss to John's cheek, he gave another gentle nudge. John settled into a seat with Hercules later joining him, making jokes and trying his best to lighten the mood.
The small orchestra of musicians settled, tuned and with a signal from someone in the back, began to play. Surprisingly, but also not, Aaron Burr and Lafayette made their way down the aisle as the groomsmen. Both were immaculately dressed and handsome, walking as if they owned the place.
After them, Alex made his way up to stand and he looked so fucking gorgeous and happy in his tuxedo and hair loose, soft waves rocking against the gentle winds as he walked-- floated to his spot. Lafayette next to him, hands folded in front of him, charming smile plastered on his face, visibly excited for a wedding, ready to cry with his little handkerchief folded neatly.
The officiant made his way down the aisle carefully and fastidiously, with his book in his hand and smiled at the attendants before he took his place underneath the arch.
The bridesmaids made their way, their dresses also seemed to float. Delicate and light pink fabric fluttered as they walked, the music that filled the air with soft strings accompanied them spectacularly and tears made their way into John's eyes. Angelica, the maid of honor, looked like an angel, her skin was glowing and her eyes were bright and she looked as if she were trying to restrain herself from hop and skipping down the aisle.
The little flower girl pranced gleefully and threw the flower petals so high in the air that they cascaded everywhere and she skipped about and spun and owned being the flower girl. The adoration in the air was palpable. The younger ringbearer walked with slight uncertainty, nervous and almost even glaring at the rings in his concentration.
Suddenly, the music transitioned into the wedding march and John's pulse picked up rapidly and his breathing shortened and he swore he was about to fall apart, this song was supposed to be for him. He was the one who everyone should have been looking at. The one who was supposed to be walking down the aisle, escorted by a friend or something. He was going to wear a stupid veil too. This was supposed to be his, all his, not hers, not hers and his vision started to blur and his chest tightened and he blinked and a tear fell.
She was unbelievably beautiful, she was so poised, standing tall and proud and smiling and she looked like an absolute queen and she held onto the crook of her fathers arm, a large bouquet of flowers in the other hand. Her dress was simple-- white and clean, the skirt was built in layers and fluttered against the wind and she was magnificent.
John turned to look at Alex and his heart broke. The most adoring look, the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes, his hands were pressed together in front of his face, as if he were thanking God for Eliza. His eyes were filled with love and adoration and it shocked John to the core. Alexander never looked at him like that before.
Sniffles were heard throughout and some chuckled through their tears at that fact. They cried for the beauty of the procession, the happiness, the love, the joy, but John cried for entirely different reasons. He hiccupped slightly and Hercules knew and gently rubbed his back and shushed him softly.
Eliza reached the end of the aisle, her father lifted her veil and kissed her cheek and handed her off to Alexander, who nearly broke down when she took his hand and Eliza sniffled and they both laughed.
"Friends and family..." the officiator began and John began to drown out the sounds of the whole event. He zoned out and they said their vows and he couldn't hear them even if he tried. He thinks it was probably a subconscious choice to not hear them as a defense mechanism.
It wasn't until everyone was raucously cheering and clapping that he snapped out of his funk and joined the clapping robotically. The two were kissing, finally husband and wife and he was the best friend still.
It's over.
Isn't it?
The two joyously laughed and made their way back down the aisle as people threw bird seed at them.
"To the reception! Let's go!" Alex roared and so they went.
John drove himself and Hercules to the hotel that was hosting the reception on their pool deck, specially reserved by Eliza's rich parents. Everyone was staying at the hotel and he took it upon himself to reserve a room specifically for himself alone. He knew he was going to need to be alone.
Lafayette gave a beautiful speech that he read from a piece of paper. His voice cracked here and there as he dabbed his eyes with his kerchief and whispered merde everytime he messed up. Alex's eyes were glistening and he raised his wine glass up with Lafayette and cheered.
John raised his glass up and muttered cheers along, but his face was blank. He accidentally caught Alex's eyes and saw his bright smile falter and he couldn't be the one to ruin this night for him so he tried to smile back, only to find that Alex was already caught by another speech by Angelica. He sighed.
Then came the dance. They looked beautiful together, as they had the whole day. After speaking with Lafayette, he took that opportunity to slink away back to his room unnoticed.
And here he was, staring down at the dancefloor from the balcony of his hotel room. The bass of the music rang throughout and gleeful hollering and laughter filled the air. How he wished he could be happily participating with them, but he couldn't. He couldn't congratulate them, he couldn't converse with the other guests about the newlyweds, he couldn't pretend to be happy, he couldn't dance, he couldn't drink, he couldn't speak, he couldn't be.
Because he lost. He lost. And it was over.
Isn't it?