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Who knew a year could change so much? Lukey silently chewed his burger, the chicken and lettuce forming a disgusting paste in his mouth that tasted bitter as he saw Pangi beside him—chewing his slice of pizza, smiling into his phone. They were in a familiar spot, almost in the same location as they had sat down for lunch during his stream last year on his birthday. The aching in his chest screamed to be let out, the pressure building as the rest of Lukey’s body attempted to rebel against this facade. His eyes dragged back to the dark waters of the canal in front of them, the boat from the year before long gone. How long would it take…?
Lukey took another bite of his burger. It was just as disgusting as before. He wanted to throw up.
He chewed. He swallowed. Another bite. It tasted of bile.
He wanted to leave.
He never wanted to come back here again.
“So, you never told me why you were visiting?” The familiar Dutch accent that once rang like harmonic bells, became discordant noise that snapped him out of his spiral. Why did he come again?
He forced down the half-chewed burger bite with a wince, the lumpy paste sticking to the walls of his throat as if attempting to choke him. Perhaps it would’ve been better if it did. “I wanted to surprise and congratulate you is all. We haven’t seen each other since Sweden and I wanted to celebrate dropping out of uni fully… I didn’t mean to take—didn’t mean to be a bother.”
Lukey’s eyes never left the canal waters. It was easier that way. Because he knew Pangi was smiling at him without a clue in the world, wearing a loose fitting shirt that perfectly showed off his hard work over the winter. It reminded him too much of times when they were almost inseparable. It only took a year. Not even that—less than a couple months.
The straight man who once snuck kisses behind closed doors and whispered promises had become a rose belonging to someone else. It explained the distance. The sudden drops of plans whenever he became involved in their friend’s lobbies. Lukey had optimistically thought it was just coincidence ignoring the fact it had happened more than three times in succession… he was an idiot.
“Oh okay.” There was a harsh pause, filled by the canal water slapping against the stone beneath their feet. “Well, what do you want to do? You know you’re way around and I’m free for the rest of the day, but I can’t drink—I have to drive home later.”
Lukey didn’t answer, choosing instead to grind through the final bite of his burger. His chest hurt, lungs heaving, stomach a frantic flurry. Every movement of his jaw crushing the meat, bread, and lettuce as if to punish the meal for his sour mood. His eyes stung.
“We don’t have to do anything if you’re busy.” He barely got the words out, the feeling in his chest spreading out like sand suffocating his chest from the inside.
“No, you visited me! We can’t just not do anything. There’s a nice wine bar near here, I’ve been to it recently and I think you’d enjoy it.” A pang of jealousy shot through Lukey.
He wanted to puke. So, he did—right into the canal.
“Oh shit! Lukey?!” Not even Lucas anymore… There was a scramble of feet, and then warmth surrounded him—a sickening, disgusting warmth.
The bile entered his esophagus, burning the back of his throat as he regurgitated another round of burger mush. His eyes were bleary from the strain. He wanted to reach into the canal, to let the dark water take him… but a firm hand had already grasped his shoulders, while the other rubbed circles across his back. It all felt so familiar, yet so distant. Lukey felt ill. His body purged itself again, folding in on itself like a shrimp.
Nothing came out, only a string of slick saliva that danced in the breeze back onto his clothes and the necklace he wore today… Everything in the Universe. It felt like a joke now. He could still hear Pangi’s concerned murmurings from behind him. His hand slowly reached up to the metal bar, the coldness of the material firm against his palm.
Lukey closed his eyes. Memories of their night together in September dancing beneath his eyelids. Those sparkling coffee eyes looking back at him from under the lamplight before arms wrapped around his neck and bestowed him something he’d swore to never take off.
He retched again, the hand pulling on the chain with the greatest force he could muster as tears escaped from the corners of his eyes. He felt something snap, his hand open, and from the tiniest sliver of his eyelids—the silver pendant disappeared into the depths of the dark water along with his meal.
For the first time in years, Lucas Osborn felt like the entire world entered a standstill in monochrome.