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Jeongin's thighs hurt. It hadn't been a good day yesterday. Not at all by the bright red cuts on his leg that weren't there the day before. He was quick with it, holding the razor blade in a tissue and dragging it across his skin, and then putting on shorts long enough to cover what he did.
It hadn't been a good day in the sense that he questioned if he could survive another overdose. The last one he had was so long ago, and he'd lost fifteen pounds since then. (It was actually more like twenty-three, but Jeongin didn't want to talk about the extra weight he had gained over a year. It made him sick to his stomach to think about.)
He was smaller now. An inch taller and at a normal weight for someone his age. Would he survive a third overdose when he didn't get any medical attention last time? It was a miracle he made it out of that alive.
He wishes he fucking didn't.
And even with the weight loss, would Jeongin ever actually like the way he looked? Yeah. He doesn't think so either!
Would Jeongin make it out alive this time? He wanted to find out, but Hyunjin and Seungmin had convinced him it was a bad idea. Not really, actually.
All Jeongin had done was ask them yes or no, and when they asked he refused to answer what it was for. They told him not to do anything stupid, or he would regret it.
They cared so much about him and for fuck sake, Jeongin didn't understand why. He didn't think he was that special- all he was, was the group's maknae. Seungmin and Jisung were better singers, Minho, Felix, and Hyunjin were better dancers, and Jeongin couldn't rap to save his life.
Well, that was what he thought. Their fans and his members thought otherwise. Especially when the duo songs came out and he did burnin' tires. People were obsessed with him in that and Jeongin couldn't understand why. It wasn't that special.
Honestly, Jeongin kind of liked the way that people were able to fool him. Like the love and appreciation would be something that lasts forever. But it never would, would it? Not when he was like this?
When he couldn't fucking do anything right?
Jeongin was kind of glad he had his own room now, even if he really did miss Jisung. Jisung was like the medicine he needed when it got too much without ever noticing.
Or knowing-- because Jisung never did know. Just looking at him sleep helped Jeongin.
But Jisung wasn't there anymore. And what else was for Jeongin to do but not give in to the urges when the razor blade was just there? When all he had to do was go into the bathroom and drag that scale out because they weren't allowed to get rid of it.
Doesn't mean they couldn't hide it, but Minho hadn't thought of that. Hadn't known Jeongin starved himself. Hadn't known anything.
Jeongin used to wake up at least twice a night every week or every other week. He'd be so fucking cold because Jisung couldn't sleep without the air con on, and Jeongin would be sweating bullets.
And Jeongin would roll over and he'd look at his Hyung even though he was shivering, and he would feel better instantly. To sleep with Jisung in the same room as him again would make him better.
The cuts on his legs wouldn't be there. Jeongin knows that they wouldn't be.
But again, Jisung wasn't sleeping in the same room as him anymore and there was nothing Jeongin could do about it.
Jeongin really does hate whoever randomly decided they had a problem with all eight of them living together. Jeongin didn't. Jeongin felt safe.
But what was there to do? Now he could barely breathe and his throat was so dry.
It was the middle of the night. Jeongin needed something to make his throat feel better. No one would be awake at this time, would they?
Jeongin picked his phone up off his blankets, squinting his eyes at how bright the screen was until he was able to slide his finger down the brightness bar.
He was right when he said it was the middle of the night. In reality, he had no fucking clue what time it was. Jeongin had honestly been staring at his bedroom ceiling and wondering if everything would be better if he just... wasn't around anymore.
But if he was awake, maybe he should have accounted for the possibility that maybe someone else would be too.
However, that slipped Jeongin's mind completely as he got out of bed and slipped on the pair of slippers Changbin had gotten him for his birthday a few months ago and walked out of his room.
He didn't realize that the kitchen light was on until it was far too late, because Minho was staring at his legs up and down.
It was too late for Jeongin to run. It was too late for Jeongin to hide ot cover up. It was just too late for him to be able to do anything.
"Innie." Minho was calm. Calmer than Jeongin thought he would have been in this situation, but it was his Minho Hyung we were talking about, so he didn't really know if he was able to be surprised.
Minho was always calm even when it didn't look like the situation was going to get much better. Minho was always calm even when he was being made to face one of his biggest fears— that always pisses Jeongin off, but his Hyung handles it well.
So maybe Jeongin shouldn't be surprised.
Though, he still is.
Jeongin keeps his head down even as he knows Minho is pointing to the cuts on top of cuts on top of scars that range from five years old to three weeks ago.
“Innie, would you like to tell me what those are?” Minho’s voice is affectionate and evil in a way that only Lee Minho can be.
No, actually. Innie would not like to tell you what those are. So Jeongin shakes his head and bites his lip when Minho sighs.
Minho walks closer and grabs Jeongin’s wrist. “You’re lucky I don’t have it in me to go get Felix and Seungmin and have them watch over you, so I can go get Chan Hyung.”
Oh, absolutely not. Do not get Chan Hyung on him— Jeongin might actually fucking shoot himself. “What do you want me to do, Hyung? They’re there, and they aren't going to go away.”
Jeongin doesn't know why he's acting like this. He doesn't know why he's being so mean to someone who just wants to help him and make sure he's alright. But Jeongin is hurt, and Jeongin doesn't want to talk about this right now, and that's something that Minho would never understand.
It's not like Jeongin can even expect him to understand! If he were in Minho's shoes, he wouldn't understand what the hell was going on either.
Minho's eyes narrow, and Jeongin can literally feel his hot breath on his neck. It's freaking him out if he had to admit it. "You know what I want, Iyen-ah? I want you to tell me what the hell is wrong with you, and I'm going to clean those."
Jeongin looked down at his legs just to see how bad it really was in the light, and oh. He takes a second to really look at the dried blood surrounding them, the dark red patches in them. Just how dark they really were, and yeah, Jeongin really understands where that concern was coming from now. "Okay, Hyung."
He doesn't fight Minho as Minho pulls him to the bathroom. He doesn't say a word about how gentle Minho is being with touching him even though he seemed so mad at Jeongin just a moment ago.
No, Jeongin doesn't say a word as Minho makes him sit on the edge of their bathtub. "You know this is going to hurt, right?" Minho asks him as he grabs a washcloth and runs it under the sink he turns on.
"I'm used to it hurting," Jeongin whispers. If Minho didn't turn around to look at him the way he did, if Minho didn't look like he wanted to cry, Jeongin would have assumed Minho didn't hear him.
It feels so horrible having to do this. Is Jeongin just a bad person for doing this to himself? But he didn't even know that Minho was going to be out there, so how was that his fault? Nothing made sense, Jeongin felt like absolute shit, and all he wanted to do was go back to bed.
Minho pulled Jeongin's shorts up as high as they could go, putting peroxide on the cloth and pressing it to Jeongin's skin. Jeongin winced, but he didn't scream, nor did he cry.
He had been telling the truth when he said it was used to it hurting, and he had deeper cuts than that that hurt more.
Jeongin wasn't stupid, though. He knew that it was hurting Minho to know he was barely having a reaction. "You said you were going to tell Hyung what was wrong, Iyen-ah." Minho didn't sound mad at him. He didn't have the tone of voice he had when he was telling Jeongin he was lucky that he wasn't going to go get Chan.
Even then, Jeongin felt like he was the worst maknae on earth. What kind of good maknae made his hyungs cry because he couldn't keep his blades in their packaging? What kind of good maknae hurts his hyungs as badly as this is hurting Minho?
Would Minho hate him for the rest of his life over this?
Actually, Jeongin didn't want to know the answer to that question. That would hurt too much. "It hadn't been a good day, Hyung."
Minho tilts his head. "You cut yourself this badly over a bad day? Iyen, really?"
"Don't feel well." Jeongin shakes his head. It makes him dizzy. "I needed to do something to feel better."
Minho sighs. "Okay, Innie." And then he pulls the cloth away and throws it into the laundry basket they have for washclothes and towels in the corner.
Instead of letting Jeongin get up, Minho puts his hands under Jeongin's armpits and lifts him that way— with Jeongin obviously wrapping his arms around Minho's neck and his legs around Minho's waist. "I'm sorry, Hyung."
"You don't have to be sorry, Jeongin. Not for something like this." Another different thing was Minho not carrying Jeongin to his own room. Rather, Minho carried Jeongin to his room.
Minho never liked them in his room, but it was different tonight. It was different from Jeongin. "They didn't reopen, so are you okay to sleep without them covered in my bed?"
When Jeongin tried to ask why he was sleeping in Minho's room, Minho put a hand over his mouth. "I want to keep an eye on you. Just let me do this." And so Jeongin didn't ask any questions, he just nodded and Minho got into bed next to him.
They didn't cuddle, but Minho slept facing Jeongin that night.
"You come to me next time you feel like that," Minho whispers in Jeongin's ear the next morning when they're in the kitchen. "I don't want to wake up to a dead maknae. You hear me?"
"Yeah, okay, Hyung. I promise."
When the next time Jeongin felt like that came around, he did find himself going to Minho. And almost every time after that, too.