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Suki heard the front door close gently, signifying the return of her wife from a long day’s work. She heard Eve’s trainers land on the shoe rack, her winter coat hung up on a peg. She waited in the kitchen, knowing the savory aroma would draw Eve in.
And so it did. Eve sidled into the kitchen, leaning against the counter beside Suki, an arm being immediately wrapped around her waist, Suki leaning her head on Eve’s shoulder, Eve’s head then resting atop the pile.
Eve smelled like an interesting concoction of bacon and the cold. She would shower later, but after a long day on the van Suki never begrudged her sitting down for a moment first, getting down a hearty meal to warm through her bones.
“Good day?” asked Suki.
“Yep.” replied Eve, thoughtfully.
Suki was relieved. One of the many topics which had sparked Norma's snide comments was Eve’s current occupation. Another way she’d been made to feel like a disappointment. Suki knew Eve was perfectly content on the bap van. But as with all jobs, some days could drag, others filled with rude, haughty customers questioning her competence. The last thing Eve needed was one of those days. Suki imagined it wouldn’t take much for a spontaneous decision from Eve that she needed to find a new job. She was missing Stacey there too.
It wasn’t that Suki would think it a terrible decision for Eve to move on from the van. She just didn’t think it should be catalysed by Norma words. Because in recent months, following the loss of Stacey, Eve had been doing everything for that van, all of the business behind running it, finding a new staff member and taking on extra hours in the meantime. She wasn’t simply someone buttering baps, as many had tried to degrade her too. And with the business still in Stacey's name, Eve made sure some of the profits were still directed towards Lily and Charli, looking after them in Stacey's absence. It was more than a hospitality job, it was a huge part of Eve’s life and Suki knew how important having a project to throw yourself into was in keeping one sane.
Besides, Suki had hoped Eve would have a good day, as after avoiding the topic somewhat at their drink at the Albert the day previous, there was something Suki wanted to discuss with Eve. And she didn’t want to wait too long, she figured she may as well get it over with whilst all the business of the last few days was inevitably on their minds, before they moved on and perhaps the emotions would fade.
Seeing Eve upset was one of the most difficult things in her life. The way her eyes glazed over, trying to separate herself from the world. The way she always leant into Suki’s touch, as if she could no longer keep herself up. The way her sentences got shorter and her voice got quieter, or alternatively over compensating with self-deprecating jokes and half-hearted humour.
The only bright side was that now she could support Eve through those times. She could engage Norma when Eve needed a second to process her emotions, to let the frustration wash over her. She could provide that physical comfort, fingers through the hair, a hand on the back, a reminder to Eve that she was present, that she wasn’t facing these things alone.
Because what had been much worse had been back when she hadn’t been able to help Eve through the hard times and in fact much of the time had been the source of her pain. She didn’t like to reflect too much on it now, with time she could see she had done what she had to do to survive; now that she no longer lived in constant survival mode she could sympathise with her former self.
She had always been such a private person, so after the well documented events of the wedding, she had detested the knowing looks she constantly felt herself met with, just wanting to hide away. But in time, she was grateful in a way. At least in the end, Nish had truly exposed himself to everyone, in arguably the most undeniable way possible. Although they would never fully understand, everybody could see that perhaps her icy personality had been born from necessity. Those who knew of the complex situation between her and Eve, namely Stacey, could truly understand why she’d had to behave how she did. It also validated her actions to herself. After time spent with Eve, away in their little bubble, she’d often pondered if perhaps she was wrong and that there was a way forward for them. But she hadn’t been wrong. She didn’t like to think too hard on how lucky they’d both been that things had worked out.
She reflected often now. Trauma like hers wasn’t something you could ever expel from your brain for too long. But she could see now, how far she’d come. In many ways thanks to Eve.
Eve, too, had come a long way. Together, they’d worked through a lot, trying to alleviate some of the guilt Eve had lived with for so long, finding ways to combat the red-hot anger that occasionally came from her and that always frightened her.
But there was one last habit that Suki was yet to quash. Eve’s tendency to run away and disappear as soon as things got difficult.
The problem was, the last few times this had happened, Suki had somewhat been at fault. Alas she never felt she had a leg to stand on, she didn’t want to sound as if she thought Eve was in the wrong when it was clearly her.
But there were other occasions, like last night, where all she wanted was to envelope Eve in her arms, protect her from the world, stay up with her all night if necessary, making sure she didn’t think for a second that she was alone. And instead, Suki had to face a cold bed, a long night of worry as Eve didn’t answer her phone, knowing that alcohol would be playing a heavy part in proceedings. She hated it. But it wasn’t about her. It was about needing Eve to keep herself safe. Just because so far she had always apologetically sidled home the next day, didn’t guarantee she always would. And so whatever method it would take, she needed this habit stamping out.
She nudged Eve to free her so she could continue cooking. She’d made one of Eve’s favourites, lasagne. Her increased free time meant almost every night she would now cook fresh, warm dishes, and Eve couldn’t deny that it was a treat, Suki forever batting her hand away as she tried to steal some as it simmered.
But today it was already formed, and Suki pulled it from the oven, cheese bubbling on the top. The last few mealtimes with Norma had been charged, snide comments when served Indian food for lunch about whether that was all Eve ate nowadays, once again also implying Eve had no influence in her home. As if they hadn’t together cooked a vegetable cottage pie the night before. So it was a blessed relief, to have dinner back to being a sacred time for the two of them.
Suki reached into the fridge for a bottle of wine, but Eve admitted she should probably have a night off the booze. After drinking heavily two nights ago, followed by a few in the Albert last night, she knew it would be healthy to have a break. Annoyingly, it meant she felt as if she was listening to her mothers advice, acknowledging their fridge's healthy wine collection. But she also appreciated that it would be even more immature to have a drink to in some convoluted way try to defy her comments. Besides, Norma wasn’t here anymore to worry about. It was only Suki, and she wouldn’t judge.
In solidarity, Suki instead poured them glasses of water and sat across from Eve, occupying their usual positions. Eve took the spoon, ladelling a healthy portion onto each of their plates.
As they settled down and began eating, Suki decided to just go for it. “Eve.” Suki began. Eve looked up, sensing the hesitancy in her tone. “I know it’s been a difficult few days, and you’re probably not feeling the best about yourself right now.” Suki knew she had to frame this carefully, the last thing she wanted was more guilt on Eve’s shoulders. “So I need you to understand I’m not making a dig or trying to upset you. But I did want us to talk about your tendency to disappear for the night when things get hard.”
Eve’s eyes flitted away, not wanting to look at Suki. It wasn’t exactly a practice that she was proud of. She’d listened to Suki’s voicemails, she knew how distressing it could be for her wife, having no idea how or where she was. Every time she did it, she would later regret it, telling herself that next time she’d act like an adult, face her problems head on. But then when things overwhelmed her she would panic, convinced she couldn’t trust the actions her emotions might lead to. So she’d leave. One drink, she would promise herself. But then one would turn to two, and the world would feel like it was caving in on her and she’d see Suki’s messages, but she’d now be in an even worse state to face her problems, so her phone would be powered off and the drinks would keep coming. Finally, she’d convince herself that Suki would be angry if she returned home, so she’d find an alternative place to crash. All that before the excruciating embarrassment of having to traipse back in in the morning, horrendously hungover and the exact same problems still to face.
So yeah, it wasn’t exactly her favourite character trait. And she didn’t really want to talk about it. But she would. For Suki.
“I’m sorry.”
It was all she could think to say. She knew the impact it had on Suki. She had seen her yesterday, yawning away, having gotten next to no sleep. She remembered the relief washing over her face when she came through the door. And she had thought about it. How she would feel if Suki vanished into the night, knowing nothing for certain other than that she was probably drinking herself to oblivion, trying to contact her knowing she would probably get no response. It would break her. Yet she had done it to Suki, too many times now.
Eve continued. “I just couldn’t be here with her anymore. I couldn’t trust what I might say. Or do.” She put her head in her hands, pushing her hair back off her face.
“I know.” agreed Suki. Eve had relayed the heated conversation to her, and as expected, it was no wonder she had been so upset. “I don’t blame you for needing some space, I will never mind if you need to take yourself away for a minute, get some fresh air, some processing time. But then you need to come back. Or let me come to you. I can help you. But all this drinking, it’s not a healthy coping mechanism.”
“I know.” confessed Eve. For over 30 years now, at the first sign of trouble she had always turned to drink. But her life wasn’t just her own now. She had other people to think about. Especially if she wanted a child. Suki had been right. If they were to adopt, she needed to find better ways to deal with her emotions, the current ways simply would not cut it. “I do want to change.” she whispered.
“I know you do, Eve, and I also know that old habits die hard. That’s why I want us to work together. Think how well we worked together yesterday. How much more productive that was in figuring out where we were at and what we wanted. Because you let me in. You let me help you. And when it got too much for you, I could step in. And how many times in the past have you helped me through stuff. Or have I fallen apart when I didn’t let you in. We’re a true partnership, we always work better together.”
Eve nodded. She was right. They both knew it, it just wasn’t always enough after lifetimes of keeping things bottled up, having no-one you could trust but yourself.
“I’ll try and be better.” Promised Eve.
Suki smiled at her gently. “I was thinking. Maybe, you should have a place you can go. The bench in the community gardens perhaps. I’ll give you some time and then I’ll just come and sit with you, and we can talk, if you want, or we can just sit. And then we’ll come home, sleep and the next day we can face things together. How does that sound?”
Eve nodded. “It sounds good. I’ll try, I really will.”
“Good.” said Suki. “And if not then always remember, I don’t care what time of night it is, or what state you’re in. Once you’re ready to sleep, please come home. I won’t lecture you. I’ll let you sleep. But at least I’ll know you’re safe.”
Eve looked at her sheepishly. It all seemed so simple when Suki put it like that.
There was one last thing Suki needed to address. She knew her flaws. “And if it’s my fault, if I’ve done something stupid again, then I know I can’t ask for you to do all that. But please, try and stay. I’ll sleep on the sofa, give you the space. Or go to the Slater’s if you need, but go straight there and always let me know where you’re going.”
Eve nodded with a grimace. She didn’t like to think of the times Suki had upset her, they were back in a much better place now. And when it was good, it was always so good that it was hard to believe times could be so hard. But as she often said, life was never boring with Suki. It was one of both the best and worst things about her.
“And hopefully,” finished Suki. “Nothing bad will ever happen again anyway and this won’t be a problem.”
This got Eve laughing. “Here’s to that.” she said, holding up her wine glass of water to clink with Suki’s.
As Eve tucked back into her lasagne, her appetite returning as the emotions choking her up evaporated, she felt a small weight off her shoulders. How lucky was she, to have met someone so supportive of her destructive ways, who only wanted to help her, not punish her. She felt a change in her. It was strong enough that she felt like she could finally try, she was determined to break the pattern, to make the change. For Suki. For herself. And for their future little family.