Work Text:
Jimin cannot help the grin that spreads across his face as an ancient Hyundai Elantra swoops into his street, wildly slamming on the brakes and stopping directly in front of him. Taehyung, his best friend and erstwhile college roommate, sports a matching grin as he winds down the driver’s side window.
“Wanna go for a ride, baby?” he drawls in an unnaturally lowered voice, raising one eyebrow and pouting in a way that Jimin supposes is meant to look enticing.
All it does, though, is make him suppress a laugh.
“I’m not sure you can afford me,” he replies prissily, pretending to examine his nails.
A tense silence falls.
Jimin looks at Taehyung.
Taehyung looks at Jimin.
Taehyung is the first to crack. His body begins to shake, his lips folding in on themselves as he tries and fails to hold back his laughter. All of this only serves to set Jimin off and soon, Jimin is doubled over on the footpath clutching his stomach.
“Tae, you gotta stop behaving like that,” he squeaks, gasping for breath. “Do you really think that sort of thing is attractive?”
A shadow crosses Taehyung’s face. “Jimin, be serious. With this face card, anything would be attractive,” Taehyung teases, pressing his lips into a pout once again.
“Hmm, be careful it doesn’t get declined for insufficient funds,” Jimin shoots back.
Taehyung tries not to laugh. He really does. But Jimin in a sassy mood always tickles him just right. “Get in the car, Chim,” he tells him, still cackling under his breath. “We have an important job to do.”
“Do you have candy in the back?” Jimin jibes. “I’ll only get in if there’s candy in the back.”
“Not as much candy as you have in the back,” Taehyung mutters almost inaudibly, his gaze dropping to Jimin’s ass.
Thankfully Jimin doesn’t hear him, blithely climbing into the passenger seat and fastening his seat belt. “Driver, take me to the Swedish land of homewares and dreams,” he says, gesturing theatrically. “Take me to IKEA.”
And so, they set off. Jimin, naturally, had planned everything – even the few minutes of banter they would indulge in before actually leaving. For today was a monumental day in their lives. They would be shopping for the contents of their first grown-up apartment. Now, Jimin and Taehyung were no strangers to sharing a space. They’d been randomly allocated as roommates in the university dorms. Not even a week into knowing each other they’d declared each other ‘soulmates’ and pledged to be best friends forever. Their four years of university had flown by, but one thing remained the same – they had each other, now and always.
So it had been an easy decision to move in together once they’d graduated. Actually, it had barely been a decision at all. They’d hardly even discussed it, simply began talking about it as though it was a fait accompli. But honestly, what could be better than living with your bestest bro in the entire world?
“So I’ve studied the store map and plotted our ideal route,” Jimin tells Taehyung. “This way, we get maximum shopping efficiency and minimum distractions. We’ll have to bypass most of the displays in order to make the most out of our time,” Jimin points out, chewing on his lower lip as he thinks. “Obviously, we’ll need to spend a bit of time picking out bedlinen. Then kitchenware, then cutlery and crockery. Maybe a few throw pillows for that comfy-looking couch in our new place?” Jimin reels off from his notepad.
Pulling the car into IKEA’s carpark, Taehyung smiles indulgently. He really doesn’t mind if things are a bit more chaotic than what Jimin has planned. But he’ll go along with it, for Jimin.
“Whatever you say, Chim. As long as I get my Swedish meatballs at the end, I’m happy.”
With exasperated fondness, Jimin rolls his eyes. He knows Taehyung is largely humouring him. And he adores him for it. “Come on, then, let’s go!” he urges, unclipping his seatbelt and practically bounding out of the car.
The first few displays are navigated without any problems. Taehyung, notoriously easily distracted as he is, keeps to the path. His eyes only flicker around once or twice, notably when faced with the adorable DJUNGELSKOG teddy that is almost as large as Jimin. And yet, Jimin still manages to drag him away.
(Only after agreeing that they actually need a DJUNGELSKOG in their home, however.)
“NÄSSELKLOCKA,” Jimin murmurs as he runs his fingers over a multicoloured fairytale of a duvet cover. “Tae, do you think this would be too much?”
Taehyung hums. “It’s a bit fruity,” he muses. “But then again, so are you. Perfect match,” he teases, ducking out of the way of Jimin’s annoyed swat.
“I’m having it, I don’t care what you say,” Jimin grumbles, locating the set and placing one in their trolley.
Taehyung merely smiles and places his own, rather more classic grey-green duvet cover set next to Jimin’s. Taking charge of the trolley, he pushes it into the next display area.
Dining.
Here, they have to make a note of the products they want so they can pick them up in the Market Hall at the end of their journey.
“What do you think of this FÄRGKLAR?” Jimin asks, pointing to a matt-grey dinner set. “It would go well with your boring-ass bedding,” he snarks, glancing sidelong at Taehyung to see whether the jibe landed.
It did.
“I prefer the SILVERSIDA,” Taehyung retorts. “The spattered design means your messy eating won’t be quite so obvious. Maybe we’ll have to get a spattered table cloth, too?”
“Hey!” Jimin snaps, rounding on him. “If anyone’s a messy eater between us, it’s you, Kim Taehyung! I bet I’m going to have to wipe bits of Swedish meatball off your face and shirt later,” he grumbles, his eyes flickering with amusement.
“Mmm, Swedish meatballs,” Taehyung says dreamily, staring into space.
Jimin watches as Taehyung’s gaze suddenly turns sharp. His lips form into an ‘o’ shape and his brows furrow. He follows Taehyung’s eyeline until it eventually lands on…
Another man’s ass.
Said man is minding his own business checking out the serving dishes. He clearly has no idea that his gluteus maximus is the subject of quite some scrutiny.
Oho, I could have fun with this, Jimin thinks, once the pang of annoyance subsides.
He rises to his full height and stiffens, pressing a hand to his mouth as he stifles a very loud sob.
Taehyung immediately whirls around in concern. “Chim?”
“Kim Taehyung,” Jimin says haughtily, “how DARE you?”
“How dare I what?” Taehyung replies confusedly, clearly not clicking.
So Jimin decides to lay it on a little thicker.
“Just because we’re in the diningware section at IKEA doesn’t mean you have the right to salivate over that man like he’s a three-course meal served purely for your enjoyment!” he spits, voice rising to a crescendo.
Ah. Good. People have begun to look.
A fresh glint in Taehyung’s eye lets Jimin know that he finally gets it.
“I. Was. NOT. Looking at him!” Taehyung snarls. “How dare you accuse me of such a heinous crime! Right here in front of DJUNGELSKOG!” Huffing, Taehyung moves to place his hands over the brown teddy bear’s ears.
“Oh, you won’t allow such language in front of DJUNGELSKOG but you’ll talk to me any way you like,” Jimin snaps, turning his back to Taehyung with a loud “hmmph!”
“That’s right,” Taehyung mutters, under his breath but loud enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear. “Forgetting that it was you who started this in the first place.”
“What did you say?” Jimin drawls, elongating his vowels dangerously.
“I said,” Taehyung responds, stepping closer to Jimin until he is practically speaking into his ear, “you are forgetting that it was you who started this in the first place.”
This is not the first time they have roleplayed a couple fight in public. Oh no. They are well versed in the rules of this particular game. But Taehyung very rarely leaves the ball in Jimin’s court quite like this. Nervously, he waits for Jimin to react.
What he doesn’t expect is a stainless-steel TUVHÄTTA serving plate to be flung at his head.
“Fuck!” Taehyung cries, looking around for something with which to defend himself. His eyes land on a KLIPPFISK frying pan and he is flooded with relief. Snatching it up, he growls, “Don’t come any closer or you’ll regret it.”
But Jimin already has a metal ladle in his hands and is swinging it at Taehyung’s face. Quick reflexes save the day. The KLIPPFISK does double duty as a shield, and the ladle pings off, making a loud noise but ultimately doing no damage to Taehyung’s most prized asset.
Wow, Jimin is really going for it today, Taehyung thinks. Perhaps I should try to slow this down?
“Baby,” he coos, raising his hands in the air to placate his best friend-cum-jealous lover.
“Don’t you baby me,” Jimin hisses.
Taehyung recoils. Is that a flash of genuine hurt he sees in his soulmate’s eyes?
“Jimin-ah,” Taehyung intones. “What’s got you so worked up?”
“Nothing,” Jimin deflects, turning his head so that Taehyung won’t see how his eyes shine.
“Now you and I both know that’s simply not true,” Taehyung responds warmly. “It’s me, Jimin-ah. You can talk to me about it, whatever it is.”
Jimin sighs. Glancing around, he notices the small crowd that had gathered to watch their fight has dispersed. With a shudder, he turns to look at Taehyung.
“It’s just that… Ugh, I can’t even,” he begins, then stops again.
“Chim,” Taehyung prods gently. “Come on.”
“You’ll laugh at me.”
Taehyung looks at him quizzically. “But I always laugh at you. And you laugh at me too. That’s what we do, isn’t it?”
“Not about things like this,” Jimin sighs, his shoulders slumping.
Sighing, Taehyung places a tentative hand on Jimin’s shoulder. “Well, I’m not going to push you-”
“Why were you looking at that man’s ass like that?” Jimin barks.
“Uh…” Taehyung utters, not knowing what to say. “Because… he had a nice ass?” he adds, somehow knowing that will be the wrong thing to say.
“Right,” Jimin replies. His voice is short and clipped, his demeanour radiating frosty waves.
“Why do you even care anyway?” Taehyung mutters.
Jimin whirls around, his eyes flashing with potent fury.
“Because it’s only my ass that I want you looking at like that!” he snarls.
Taehyung stares at him open-mouthed.
Did Jimin just say...
He wants me to look at his ass?
Oh, if only he knew how many times I’ve done just that…
The urge to act become impossible to deny.
Letting out a long-suffering groan, Taehyung takes half a step forward. Just enough for him to be able to reach out, crush Jimin against his chest and smash their lips together. Jimin’s squawk of bewilderment is swallowed by Taehyung’s mouth. Never mind, though, because the moment his brain catches up with his body he is kissing Taehyung back just as eagerly. A feverish moan travels from Taehyung’s stomach to his chest, vibrating Jimin’s lips with its resonance.
“Taehyung,” Jimin breathes the moment their lips part. He gazes up at him in wonderment, threading a curious hand through his thick, dark hair.
“Jimin,” Taehyung says seriously, “I will look at your ass whenever the hell you want me to. Especially now that I don’t have to hide the fact that I’m doing it,” he adds, a cheeky tone creeping in toward the end of his sentence.
“Oh, just come here,” Jimin mumbles, dragging Taehyung’s head down and licking into his mouth once more.
The fact that they are in IKEA seems to have completely slipped their minds as they remain aware of nothing but the soft, damp slide of their lips and tongues, and the hands wandering over each other’s bodies mapping out a course they have never charted but often imagined.
Jimin, Jimin, Jimin, Taehyung’s brain is chanting as he finally gets to taste the sweetness he has long since coveted. His brain doesn’t even engage as one hand slides heavily down Jimin’s back, over the curve of his waist, and settles itself firmly around Jimin’s luscious ass. The moan Jimin lets out, half-swallowed by a kiss, lets Taehyung know that this is more than welcome. Seized by the urge to get closer still, Taehyung searches for somewhere to lay Jimin down. Aha, he thinks. That surface looks good. If only there weren’t things all over it. Instinctively, he uses his one free arm to sweep across the table, sending plates, glasses, utensils and table decorations flying all over the place with a spectacular crash.
But Taehyung doesn’t care. Because, at last, he has Jimin precisely where he wants him.
Lying on his back, caged between his arms, panting heavily.
“Tae,” he whimpers, cheeks red and lips glistening with moisture.
I put that there, Taehyung thinks proudly.
Looking again, Taehyung notices that Jimin’s expression looks… panicked?
“Tae,” Jimin whispers urgently, “we’re in IKEA. And that security guard doesn’t look very happy.”
It takes only a cursory glance for Taehyung to realise that Jimin is right. A tall, burly man in a neat black uniform is standing a few paces away, swinging a baton into his opposite hand.
“You two will have to come with me,” he says gruffly. “Now, I’ll have to add up how much this will cost you in damages. You’ll be thrown out of the store, of course. And don’t expect to come back here again, oh no.”
Jimin looks at Taehyung with dismay. His NÄSSELKLOCKA! Their SILVERSIDA! He can’t be expected to just leave them here, surely?
“My DJUNGELSKOG,” Taehyung wails. “I won’t go without him!”
Throwing himself in front of the security guard, Taehyung snatches the large brown bear out of the trolley and clutches it to himself. The security guard’s eyes bulge with barely-concealed fury. He tries to wrench the offending toy out of Taehyung’s vice-like grip. But Taehyung is absolutely not having it.
“I’ll die before I let you take my Skog!” he wails, his booming baritone catching the attention of everyone in the vicinity.
“Taehyung!” Jimin stage-whispers. “Maybe this is not the hill you want to die on.”
At that moment, a loud tearing sound rips through the air and clouds of fluffy white polyester fibre are launched into the air. DJUNGELSKOG’s head lolls dangerously, half-severed from his body as Taehyung and the security guard both continue pulling the poor bear in opposite directions.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Taehyung wails. “Killed in the line of duty. Skoggie, we shall remember you,” he lamented, wiping fake tears from his eyes.
“Let go of the bear,” Jimin orders through gritted teeth. “Haven’t you done enough?”
Jimin is no longer looking at Taehyung like he hung the stars. Rather, he’s looking at him like he’s an offending chunk of mud on his Chelsea boots. The contrast shocks Taehyung back into the room.
“Oh shit,” he whispers. “Sorry Jimin!” Turning to the security guard, he bows and apologises fervently. “Sorry, ahjussi. I don’t know what came over me…”
“Save it,” the guard responds, grabbing both Jimin and Taehyung by the elbow and escorting them through the store.
Half an hour later, they have settled the damage bill and are now sitting in Taehyung’s car in the parking lot devoid of DJUNGELSKOG and NÄSSELKLOCKA. To add insult to injury, their stomachs are also empty of Swedish meatballs.
“Well, that was a pointless exercise,” Jimin sighs as he clicks in his seatbelt. “I guess we’ll have to go to Lotte Mart tomorrow.”
Taehyung is just about to start the ignition when he pauses. Glancing sidelong at Jimin, he ventures to say, “Pointless? I thought it was quite pointy, myself.” He raises an eyebrow in the fashion that Jimin had found so comical earlier in the day. “I mean, you admitted that you want me to look at your ass, if I remember correctly. Unless all of that was part of the act…?”
Jimin’s face turns so red that Taehyung can almost feel the heat from where he is sitting.
“No,” he admits. “That part was true.”
Sighing with palpable relief, Taehyung admits, "That's good. Because I've been in love with you for about four years already, just so you know."
Jimin turns around and stares at him as though Taehyung has grown an extra head. "You... Really?"
"Really," Taehyung affirms. "So much that it kind of makes me sick."
Jimin blanches. "I just never thought you... I mean, me? It has to be blatantly obvious that I've been in love with you forever, but..." He trails off.
Taehyung grins lasciviously. Then, he pouts, raising his eyebrow once more. “Soooooo,” he drawls, allowing his voice to drop until it is plumbing heretofore undiscovered depths. “You wanna go to our new apartment and make out?”
Jimin laughs brightly. “But we don’t have any bedding!” Realising what he’s just inferred, Jimin adds, “Not to mention kitchenware.”
“I think we’ll manage, don’t you? We can keep each other warm,” Taehyung says smoothly, reaching an arm around Jimin’s shoulder.
“Hmm. We can order in some food,” he agrees. “And we’ll go to Lotte Mart tomorrow to get the rest of the things we need for our new home.”
Taehyung grins. Today has turned out far better than he was expecting.
Even if he had to leave his DJUNGELSKOG behind.
Jimin will be much nicer to cuddle, anyway.
THE END