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Woonhak breathed heavily, his damp hair dripping onto his face as he stared at his bare face and body in the mirror. His heart felt suffocated, just why was it choosing to feel like this? Why now? Why after so long?
Woonhak’s eyes continued to glare ahead at the mirror, piercing into his body and picking apart every single part of himself with disgust. His eye bags were heavy but he had no sense of time currently, the only thing he could think of was how horrible he looked. People praised him a bunch and complimented him plenty but nothing ever really… seemed true to him. In his own eyes he was a disgust just to look at.
His eyes continued scanning until they reached his thighs. His breath hitched slightly and his eye twitched as he took in the sight. He is covered with memories of his worst times portrayed into scars. The sight makes him sick to his stomach. He’s been clean for about four years now, but every time he sees those aftereffects he is reminded of everything he used to go through and he hates it—despises it even.
The thing is, the members don’t know. Even when he was still struggling with it during their training together he couldn’t fathom the idea of telling them. He doesn’t even know how he has managed to hide it for this long without anyone noticing. Sure, people have asked him why he never wears shorts, but it’s pretty easy to cover that up by just saying he doesn’t like them. Nobody questions it further luckily, not even his stylists; in fact, they have made adjustments to make sure he doesn’t wear shorts.
Woonhak continued to gaze at himself—or more his thighs in particular. Today had been a particularly stressful day. Not just today even, the whole week. Preparations for the next comeback had finally started and for some reason the schedule was tight. People were rushing around and worrying about mistakes so everything could be done on time. Woonhak is unsure as to why the schedule is so tight, but he’d rather be quiet than complain and be a burden on everyone else.
However, with all of the stress piling up on everyone, his mental health had been deteriorating with it. His hands gripped onto the surface he had been hovering in front of, his knuckles turning white from the force. His headspace wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. His breathing grew more shallow as he leaned his head back, trying to look away from his reflection. His heart was thumping against his ribs; it felt as if it could burst out at any moment.
His skin felt itchy, and the need for relief was growing inside him. He can’t. He really can’t. If he gives in to the itch, it will cause him to relapse and ruin what he’s built up over all these years. He thought he had grown past it; he thought he had recovered; he thought he could handle it all.
His eyes felt glossy as he searched around frantically for anything. He had no target for whatever he was searching for. Finally, his eyes landed on his phone—or more specifically the polaroid in the back. It was a picture of him and all the members on his 18th birthday.
He swallowed gently as he stared at his shaking hands, now pale white from how hard they had dug into the surface. He can’t tell them about this; he would just hold them all back and cause unnecessary worry. Despite these thoughts, his body moved on its own, his drive for not relapsing clearly having more power than his overthinking.
He moved at a quick pace. He grabbed any clothes he could find and threw them on, not caring for his damp hair that had more or less air-dried by the time he pushed himself out of the bathroom. He looked at the clock—2:18 a.m. How long had he been in there?
Everyone else was probably asleep by now, but his body didn’t care. It kept marching forward toward the hallway, and before he knew it he was outside one of his hyung’s rooms. It appeared to be Jaehyun’s, which he realised after stepping inside. He sighed before approaching Jaehyun.
Jaehyun was fast asleep, so Woonhak decided to try not to wake him. He didn’t want to make Jaehyun even more stressed by ruining his sleep. Instead, he slipped under the covers beside him and slotted himself next to him while lying down.
However, despite Woonhak’s precautions, it didn’t work, because Jaehyun’s eyes started to flutter open.
“Woonhak-ah?” Jaehyun mumbled sleepily as he adjusted to Woonhak’s presence.
Woonhak’s heart dropped seeing that he had awoken him. “Sorry. For waking you…” he mumbled back. Even though his body had driven him here with such insistence, he couldn’t bring himself to tell him still.
“What’s up? Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?” Jaehyun whispered. He was now a bit more awake, but the last part of his words had a teasing front.
Woonhak’s breath hitched as he opened his mouth, ready to agree and pass it off as a nightmare—but once again, his body betrayed him.
Before he knew it, his eyes were pouring out with tears as he clung onto Jaehyun and sobbed into his chest.
This now fully woke Jaehyun up as he stammered in shock, trying to ask Woonhak what’s wrong. He pulled Woonhak closer toward him, their legs now tangled as they faced each other with Woonhak’s face buried in the crevice of his shoulder.
“Woonhak-ah, tell me what’s wrong. Talk to me… you know I hate seeing you upset.” Jaehyun spoke softly as he patted the back of Woonhak’s head, holding him with such care.
Woonhak could barely speak—he was sobbing his heart out into Jaehyun’s neck.
“I’m sorry, I just— I couldn’t— I couldn’t take it anymore, I nearly did something I would’ve regretted.” He spoke between sobs, stuttering as he tried to explain.
Jaehyun was confused; he couldn’t understand what Woonhak meant, but he listened as he continued to cry.
“Hyung, I nearly— I nearly hurt myself and I didn’t want to, so I came here. I didn’t know what I was doing, I’m sorry!!” Woonhak sobbed, finally getting the words out.
He was scared of Jaehyun’s reaction. He closed his eyes, still crying, and waited.
“Woonhak-ah, I’m proud of you. For coming here. For coming to me. You’re so strong for not doing that and coming to tell me instead.” Jaehyun murmured into his ear, now bringing his hand up to wipe his tear-stained cheeks. Even though Woonhak wasn’t looking at him, he could hear how concerned he was.
Woonhak sniffled miserably, still muttering sorry under his breath as Jaehyun’s hold tightened.
“How… how long has it been since you last… hurt yourself?” Jaehyun asked tentatively.
“Four years… I stopped a couple months into our training…” Woonhak answered, shifting to tuck himself more comfortably into Jaehyun’s neck as his tears died down to sniffles.
“Wahhh, four years? Woonhak-ah, I’m so proud of you… you’re so strong. And… I’m glad you came to me when you were feeling like this. It makes me happy, because I care about you so much. I’m glad you could trust me to help you carry these struggles.” Jaehyun mumbled into his temple, his lips grazing lightly.
Woonhak felt his eyes grow glossy again. “Stop saying things like that… I’m gonna cry more… I just… I didn’t wanna relapse, and when fighting off my urges I thought of you all. And I think it’s stupid how I kept all of this away from you guys for so long… I really just… I was scared of holding you guys back.”
Jaehyun gently cupped his face, lifting his chin so he could look at him directly. “Woonhak-ah… don’t ever think you’re holding us back. We’re all six peas in a pod. We’re always gonna be there for each other.”
He kept eye contact, his voice warm. “You’re silly for thinking that. Even if you’re struggling with something small, I will never push you away or think you’re holding me back. And neither will the members.”
Woonhak stared at him with equal intensity, a couple stray tears slipping free as his fingers curled into Jaehyun’s shirt. He felt small and vulnerable, but the way Jaehyun held him made him feel like there was no distance between them at all.
He nodded before curling up into his hyung’s chest. His eyes burned, heavy from exhaustion and crying, and Jaehyun noticed.
“Sleep now, Woonhak-ah. Tomorrow, when you’re feeling better, we can talk and figure out how to support you, okay? Don’t worry about the schedule. I’ll tell our manager you’re sick and let him complain to me, okay?” Jaehyun chuckled softly.
Woonhak let out a tiny smile at the sound of his laugh.
As the moments passed, he was lulled into sleep in Jaehyun’s arms.
“Goodnight, my Woonhak-ah…”