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[Intro]
Sir Ridley Scott is well known for his epic historical films like Napoleon, Kingdom of Heaven and Alien. But in 2024 he took on that most famous of eras, the Roman times, with his film Gladiator II: Tokyo Drift.
Join me, Philomena Cunk, as I dive into Ridley Scott's vision to find out why and who and how, and does it actually match up to any of the Romans who actually lived in Roman times?
[Philomena] Why were the Romanovs?
[Dame Mary Beard (OBE)] The... You mean the Romans?
This is Cunk on Gladiator II: Tokyo Drift.
[cue titles]
[Philomena Cunk walks through the Colosseum]
We've all seen the film Gladiator I. Russell Crowe is a fighty man who comes here, to the Colosseum in Rome, to do some fighting in public. He fights tigers, gladiators, and Joaquin Phoenix.
Russell Crowe wins, and saves the day, and gets rewarded with his favourite food: wheat.
[Philomena] Russell Crowe is the fighty man, isn't he?
[Dame Mary Beard (OBE)] He plays a gladiator, yes.
[Philomena] And Joaquin Phoenix is the Emperor who doesn't like him. Did the real Emperor Joaquin Phoenix in Roman times hate Russell Crowe?
[Mary Beard] Joaquin Phoenix plays the Emperor Commodus. And while Maximus Decimus Meridius, who is the character that Russell Crowe plays, wasn't a real person, the real Commodus famously wanted to be a gladiator himself.
[Philomena] He wanted to be a fighty man.
[Mary Beard] Yes. He used to fight in the Colosseum. But of course the fights were all staged so that no-one else could win.
[Philomena] But mostly in the film he just wants to knob his sister.
[Mary Beard] ...Yes. Although there...
[Philomena] Did all the Roman Emperors want to knob their sisters? Like, was sister knobbing important back in Roman times? Was it as normal to them as, you know, air fryers are to us? Like, not everyone's got one, but you wouldn't be surprised if someone told you they had one, you know?
[Mary Beard] Well, the theme of incest in Ancient Rome is one that comes up regularly in the literature. It was often...
[Philomena] Do you have an air fryer?
[Mary Beard] Me? No.
[Philomena] Right.
[Mary Beard] When it came to incest...
[Philomena] They're quite useful, you see, for if you've got a pie, or some chips. And you don't have to heat the whole oven, so it saves money. I'm surprised you don't have one really. You should look into it.
[Mary Beard] I should.
[Philomena] You should.
[Philomena] So I'm here with...
[Fred Hechinger] ...
[Joseph Quinn] ...
[Philomena] That's your cue to introduce yourselves.
[Fred] Oh. Right. Well I'm Fred Hechinger.
[Joseph] And I'm Joseph Quinn.
[Philomena] Great. Thanks. You know, I tried to get Denzel Washington but his agent said... [Philomena gets out a letter and reads it] "Go fuck yourselves."
[Fred] Oh.
[Joseph] Bold move.
[Philomena] It's not even the agent either. I know who it is. It's the agent's fucking assistant. Fucking Nancy Cowper. She didn't let us have Ewan McGregor either for a previous show.
[Joseph] I mean...
[Philomena] She's got it in for me. Fuck's sake we're the BB fucking C and she sends us this bullshit. The BB fucking C. If you're listening, Nancy, you can go fuck youself an' all.
[Fred] ...
[Joseph] ...
[Philomena] Anyway, who are you again?
[Fred] Fred Hechinger
[Joseph] Joseph Quinn
[Philomena] And you're in this film, are you?
[Philomena in the Colosseum]
Not all the things in the Gladiator films are real. The Emperor Commodus was a real Emperor, but Russell Crowe wasn't a real person. So what about Gladiator II? This film focuses on twin Emperors Geta and Chlamydia, and they were actually real people.
[Philomena] Tell me about Emperors Geta and Carmilla. They were real Emperors, weren't they?
[Mary Beard] Geta and Caracalla were, yes.
[Philomena] Did they want to knob their sister?
[Mary Beard] That's not recorded anywhere that I know. But they did not have a good relationship between themselves.
[Philomena] So they were brothers in real life.
[Mary Beard] Yes, although not twins. Their father was Septimius Severus and their mother was a powerful woman called Julia Domna.
[Philomena] Did they want to knob their parents?
[Mary Beard] Well there were rumours that Emperor Caracalla was too "close" to his mother. But we need to see these accusations in context. It was very common to denounce political opponents with rumours of incest. And because Julia Domna had a lot of power, people liked to blame that on an incestuous relationship with her son. But it was just a common insult of the time.
[Philomena] But the Romans were kinky fuckers though weren't they?
[Mary Beard] Certainly there were plenty of rumours flying about.
[Philomena] Like Caligula and his orgies or Nero fiddling with himself, which caused Rome to burn down.
[Mary Beard] He...
[Philomena] I mean, how did that happen? Did he, like, go at it with such a speed that he created a spark that caught his toga on fire? Because I bet those things were pretty flammable, right?
[Mary Beard] He wasn't... That isn't what caused the fire.
[Philomena] No, but it says it here in this book, "Emperor of Rome" by Mary Beard, that Nero fiddled while Rome burned.
[Mary Beard] That phrase meant that he played the violin.
[Philomena] No it definitely says "fiddled" here. And Mary Beard knows what she's talking about.
[Mary Beard] I am Mary Beard.
[Philomena] What...?
[Mary Beard] That's my book.
[Philomena] But you don't have a beard.
[Mary Beard] It's my name.
[Philomena, to her producer] You told me this was Connie Nielsen! You told me...! You've made me look like a right tit now! Honestly!
[Philomena, to Mary] So did the Emperor Nero diddle himself while Rome burned, or not?
[Mary Beard] No.
[Philomena] No.
[Philomena] Introduce yourself then.
[Paul Mescal] I am Paul Mescal and in the film I play Hanno.
[Philomena] Hanno has a real journey in the film, doesn't he?
[Paul] Yes he does. I guess... I suppose he spends his time trying to work out who he is and where he fits in.
[Philomena] No, I mean he has a journey. He travels to Rome.
[Paul] Oh. Right. Yes he has a journey to Rome.
[Philomena] And how does he travel? Is it on a bus, or like...?
[Paul] He goes by boat.
[Philomena] I see.
[Philomena] So you guys play the evil Emperors Geta and Shalla-Bal.
[Joseph Quinn] The...?
[Fred Hechinger, laughing] Shalla-Bal?
[Philomena] Right. So you play...
[Joseph] No, she's from the Fantastic Four.
[Philomena] What?
[Joseph] The character Shalla-Bal is from the Fantastic Four. That's a different film.
[Philomena] Oh, right. So, Fred, you're in the Fantastic Four?
[Fred] No, Joe is. But I am in the film Gladiator II and I play the Emperor Caracalla.
[Joseph] And I play the Emperor Geta.
[Philomena] Neither of you is Shalla-Bal?
[Joseph] Not one bit.
[Philomena] ...I fucked up there didn't I.
[Fred] We won't hold it against you.
[Philomena] Right. So. ...Sorry. So, you both play twin Emperors. It was quite a coincidence, wasn't it, that Ridley Scott was able to find two actors who are twins.
[Joseph] No we...
[Philomena] So, Mary Beard, Roman times history expert and not actress Connie Nielsen, tell me about Geta and Calabria.
[Mary Beard] Well, by all accounts the story of Geta and Caracalla was a very tragic one. They were brothers, with Caracalla being the eldest. His name wasn't Caracalla at first; that was a nickname that came from a type of cape he used to wear...
[Philomena, standing and taking off her microphone] Don't mind me. I'm going to get a cup of tea. Keep going. They'll add in all the bits of me nodding and stuff later.
[Philomena walking through the Palantine Hill in Rome]
The story of the Emperors Geta and Calisthenics was tragically a very tragic one.
Calisthenics became joint Emperor with their Dad when he was aged only 9 because child labour laws didn't exist back then.
No-one seemed to mind that a young boy was on the throne, but maybe they enjoyed getting things like a national day of fart noises or tax free status on minecraft; there just isn't the evidence to say.
While Kathmandu had become Emperor with Dad, Geta was elevated merely to Caesar, which was pretty shit in comparison. The term Caesar comes from Julius Caesar, successful general-turned first Emperor, who was famously quoted as saying "Veni vidi lemon squeasy". But even though Julius Caesar was great, to be Caesar when your brother was a full-blown Emperor must have felt like a kick in the balls.
[Philomena] There's resentment between them; isn't there.
[Fred Hechinger] Lots of resentment.
[Joseph Quinn] They've lived a very isolated life, in a way. There's no-one they can trust except each other. But they don't really trust each other either.
[Philomena] Fred, in the film you say. [Philomena reads from the script] "The Emperor Geta looked at her with ravenous eyes. She was just a slave girl and should have been beneath his notice, but she could see the fire of lust burning within him as his gaze travelled her voluptuous curves. She felt her nipples growing..."
[Fred] No...? No I didn't say that.
[Joseph] Yeah that's not in the film.
[Philomena] Oh, right, sorry. [Philomena pockets the script she'd been reading from] The producer gave that to me for later. Soz. [Philomena gets out a different script] Fred, in the film you say, "Nothing's ever mine. It's always ours."
[Fred] Yes.
[Philomena] Are you talking about the slave girl?
[Philomena walking through the Palatine Hill]
When their father died, both brothers became joint Emperors. But the equality didn't make things easy, instead it made things worse.
They split the Palace in two and even had separate doors so they wouldn't have to see each other. It was a bit like breaking up with your husband but he can't find a place to rent, so he has to live on the top floor of the house and play Football Manager all day while you go out to work.
Amongst all this animosity, the Emperors' mother, Julia Domna, was the peacemaker. Like any mother, she had to stop her children from fighting over their toys, although in this case their toys were the entirety of the SPQR, meaning the Senate and People who were Quite Roman.
Things tragically came to a head when the Emperor Cordelia arranged a fake meeting with the Emperor Geta and had his brother killed. Emperor Geta died in his mother's arms, and we can only imagine what she must have felt.
From the year 211 Emperor Calamari would rule alone. This was six years before his own death, and 1778 years before the release of hit single "Pump Up the Jam" by Technotronic.
[Music video for "Pump Up the Jam" by Technotronic plays]
[Intro - the beat starts while dancers dance in front of a colourful background]
[Lyrics] Pump up the jam, pump it up
[Lyrics] While your feet are stomping
[Caption] "Pump Up the Jam" reached number 1 in the charts in five countries.
[Lyrics] And the jam is pumping
[Lyrics] Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin'
[Lyrics] Pump it up a little more
[Caption] Sir Ridley Scott wanted to use the single "Pump Up the Jam" as the ending theme song for Gladiator I but he was hampered by rights issues.
[Lyrics] Get the party goin' on the dance floor
[Lyrics] See, 'cause that's where the party's at
[Lyrics] And you'd find out if you do that
[Caption] In Ancient Rome they didn't use jam but instead preferred to sweeten their dishes with honey.
[Lyrics] Awa, a place to stay
[Lyrics] Get your booty on the floor tonight
[Lyrics] Make my day
[Caption] Russell Crowe's famous line "Are you not entertained?" was first uttered by him on a dance floor when he was dancing to "Pump Up the Jam".
[Lyrics] Awa, a place to stay
[Lyrics] Get your booty on the floor tonight
[Lyrics] Make my day
[Lyrics] Make my day
[Caption] It is thought that the lyrics "Pump up the jam" refer to Ancient Roman techniques of transporting water (or jam in the metaphor of the song) over great distances. However, the Roman engineers actually relied on gravity rather than mechanical pumping means, so the song is factually incorrect.
[Lyrics] Make my day
[Lyrics] Make my day
[Lyrics] Make my day
[Lyrics] Yo, pump up the jam, pump it up
[Lyrics] While your feet are stomping
[Philomena] So when Hanno gets off the boat, is there like a shuttle bus to take him from the terminal to the city centre?
[Paul Mescal] He travels in a cart.
[Philomena] Right.