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In a quiet Virginia suburb on Christmas morning, Travion Parkman runs down the stairs with hope that maybe this year Santa or maybe even Jesus answered his wishes this year. He looked through the den, the living room, the kitchen, the downstairs bathroom. Trash was everywhere. The kitchen was empty. And there was no Christmas tree anywhere to be seen. It was the same scene as yesterday, and every day as far back as Travion could remember. A belch echoed from down the hallway which led to the master bedroom. The Parkman patriarch noisily exited from his bedroom, wiping the sheen of a fluid from below his noise.
"Your mother's pussy tastes like cherry tuna, son."
Hank Parkman was 6 feet tall, 250lbs, and never wore a shirt. Not while he was in his house. He walked to the fridge and cracked open a can of beer.
One set of knocks was heard at the door. Before Travion could think of what to do, he heard a scream coming from the bedroom.
"Travion! Are you deaf!? Get the door!"
He grumbled, who was even coming over today? It's Christmas.
He opened the front door to find his mother's sisters and their children in tow. Travion didn't know who was who. His aunt's daughters were at least 600 pounds each and somehow had a new set of kids added to their litter every time he saw them. The largest of them was eating, of course. One of the daughters was yelling on her cellphone, Travion could only make out complaints about how they got cheated on their most recent disabilities payout. She was on her latest round of schemes meant to defraud to Medicare. Even though she was 32 and perfectly capable of working, she said it wasn't fair that she had to work if she had 7 children to take care of and all of her credit cards were maxed out. Experian had the audacity to lower their credit score and now they were not allowed to get any more new credit cards, and her boyfriend really wanted another kid. Her hands were tied. It was a shame how she was treated.
"Here Trav, take these"
The younger daughter shoved a bag into Travion's arms. It was hot and stank.
"It's goat head soup. And you better eat it, boy."
The aunt and her family rumbled into the home. Travion could hear creaking and groaning as the foundation and walls of the home struggled to carry the weight of what was just added to its load. Easily at least 30,000 pounds between the aunt, daughters, and 18 children, one bigger than the next.
One of the daughters then got on her knees, raised her hands in the air, and bowed her head.
"Heavenly father we thank you for bringing us safely to this home so we might praise your name on your birthday today which is Christmas because you were born of a virgin in a manger and you are always the one who will bring us to heaven to live under eternal rule in the sky with you, forever and ever, amen."
One of the larger sons was eating turkey leg and spit a piece of gristle on to the floor.
Bernice, Travion's mother, slapped him in the side of the head. "What's wrong with you boy, don't you know how to treat guests? Clean that up."
Travion went to the kitchen to get a paper towel.
Bernice glared at him.
"No! Don't use a paper towel!"
Travion was confused. Hank ran out of the den where he was watching the preshow of the Christmas NFL game where Boomer Esiason is still in pajamas since the game doesn't actually start until 2 in the afternoon. ESPN still gets the ratings though since viewers like Hank want to see 8 men wearing slim cut Express suits with french collars yelling opinions about who is going to win The Big Game.
"You don't use the paper towel to clean, Travion, how many times do we have to tell you!? You use the cleaning rags! Clean it up!"
Travion found a the all purpose cleaning spray and wiped down the floor and picked up the turkey gristle to throw in the garbage.
"Travion!"
Bernice grabbed her son by the ear.
"Did you just throw that in the garbage? You need to put it in a ziploc bag and freeze it, otherwise we will get flies. This is why we always have flies in the house! Because of you!"
The aunt and daughters were all laughing as this happened. Somehow one of them now had a 256oz gas station travel cup of what he assumed to be soda. Travion remembered a time he was at the daughter's house and he asked where her drinking water was.
"We don't drink water. It doesn't taste like anything. You drink that?? It's not even sweet!"
The children were either watching the television, burping, eating, or all 3 at the same time. A stench began to fill the home. A swirl of goat head soup, belch air, and sweat in folds which hadn't been cleaned since the Bush administration.
By this point in his life, Travion was neither happy, sad, or angry about any of this. It was just the same as it had always been. He dreamed of better and bigger things, but they seemed so far away. Justice didn't seem to exist. Not for someone like him. He didn't have the money or connections that other people had.
A bright light shone in the center of the den, which angered the family.
"Hey whats going on!? I can't see the TV!"
In an instant, standing in place of the light was a tall man with moussed black hair. A blue power suit with an S emblazoned on the chest and a red cape flowing from an imaginary wind blowing it and his hair back. He turned his head to Travion and gave him a little wink.
"What the fuck was that!? Who are you!? Bernice, who is this? Are you fucking this man!?" Hank was furious and confused. And when he was confused, he only knew that he should be angry.
The man who appeared clearly had superhuman abilities, because he began to float off of the ground, forcing Hank, Bernice, aunt and daughters to crane their necks up at him.
"Travion Parkman. Son of Bernice and Hank. You have summoned me here. What of my services do you require?" the mystery man bellowed.
Travion's mouth hang open, speechless. Did he really summon this man? He was too scared to respond, or even think.
The man nodded solemnly, "I understand, son."
The man with an S on his chest then turned to Hank and squinted. The patriarch's head crushed inward like an egg on a concrete press. Blood, brains, and skull spattered everywhere. The shirtless father without a head collapsed to its knees and crumbled down. Bernice and her extended family tried to run, but they seemed to suddenly become frozen in place.
"Where do you think you're going?" the mystery man asked.
He picked up Hank's headless body and proceeded to beat every single one of them with it with such ferocity that with each blow, pieces were flying off. Which piece belonged to who, we would never know. But Travion could not believe what he was seeing. The lower half of his face gradually affixed to a grin, as he watched this super man pummel his family until they could no longer move or make noise or criticize him. Ever again. To the point where he was cheering. Punches landed on every single family member. Included one to come. One of the daughters was pregnant, which of course she was very proud of. That would be number 13. Lucky 13. Superman ripped their abdomen open and pulled the baby out of the mother's womb. He then feasted on the fetus.
He then lined them all up and stuck each one with a knife in the stomach to leak all of the pig grease from their bodies. Because in the end, that's all they really were, just a pack of pigs. But at least pigs bring something positive to the world. Why did the Parkman's ever get the ability to procreate and spread disease and filth when the good people are the only ones who are actually productive. Not degenerates. Not scum. Not filth.
The super man punched each of the children.
"Good job, Travion. I'm proud of you and I love you. You are now getting a second chance at life."
Superman picked Travion up and sat him on his shoulders. He jumped through the roof and soared into the sky, to a much better place. And they both yelled:
"FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY!!!"
Before they got too high, Superman dropped an ICBM on to Travion's old house. Everyone inside was killed. When the first responders came, they scratched their heads and shrugged.
"Guess these pieces of shit fucking had it coming."
The entire neighborhood cheered and began to play that Ewok song from the movie.
The End