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“What’s on your mind?” JJ began, slowly beginning to pour the glass of Malbec into two glasses- one for her, one for Emily.
It wasn’t often they met for an evening like this, however they’d had a string of rough cases recently and they both needed a night to drink and binge shitty television, to not think about anything.
Emily however, seemed to have trouble on the ‘not thinking about anything part’. She wouldn’t admit it, however she’d had a little bit of a drink before JJ’s arrival, only a glass. Emily knew this was a bad idea, however things she had managed to finally shove to the back of her mind had reemerged, and as much as she enjoyed JJ’s company, it didn't help.
“What?” She was a little out of it, and she knew too many questions would lead to something stupid being said. Now was not the time. “Nothing, I was just, a little zoned out.”
”C’mon. I know what you look like when you are zoned out. There’s something in your eyes. It won’t hurt to share.”
JJ took a small sip of her wine, carefully looking at Emily. Not profiling, just… noticing. Emily was rarely this absentminded, she knew it was something. Emily forced a small smile and snorted.
“Trust me JJ. It’s nothing.”
It’s everything. It could ruin the friendship, cause everything to come crashing in. It would change things-shatter them into thousands of pieces that couldn’t be put together again.
She’s married with two children, Emily.
”Then why do you have such a big problem with sharing it? You can’t just say something like nothing and move on when you’re looking like that.”
”Like what?”
JJ looks at Emily, her head tilting to the side almost playfully before she continues speaking.
“Hmm. It’s hard to describe. It’s certainly a look, I’ll give you that.” She pauses, pursing her lips slightly before continuing. “It’s a guy, isn’t it?”
And suddenly Emily is fifteen again, talking about middle school crushes with friends. Or at least, what she’d imagined she’d be doing at fifteen if she’d lived in America instead of Italy. What she wanted to be happening.
“Ew. JJ, no.”
“A girl?”
That makes Emily pause before she takes another sip of wine. The pause was a second too long, and they both knew it.
“I work. The only time I go out for a drink is when I’m with you and Penelope. Where would I have even met anyone-“
“So you met them through work. This mystery he. Or she.”
Emily looked at her. And JJ looked at Emily in return. She had that look about her- Emily. The one JJ knew well. The one that meant the emerging thought had festered. Aged. Darkened. Grown strong, not stale. Similar to the wine that sat in both of their glasses. Something that makes or breaks a person.
“Be realistic. It’s me. I live in my flat. Alone. I’m happy with my life.” It’s kind of true. Emily likes to think she is, but deep down she knows that she isn’t completely. “I wake up. Shower. Get dressed. Fruit and coffee. Work. Home. Tea. Watch shitty television. I don’t meet people. I don’t date.”
“Yeah, I know that. Believe me, it’s a problem me and Penelope have been trying to solve for a long long time now.” JJ sighs, putting her glass down before looking at Emily, really looking at her.
“Y’know, that day we met. Well, not technically met but you know. When you were in Hotch’s office.” The one that’s now Emily’s. “You looked at me. And for a moment, I don’t know. Something seemed possible.”
“JJ-“
“You say you're happy. And I know I am. I have will. Henry. Michael. Our team. Our job. It takes. So much-“
“It gives me you.”
There’s a few beats of silence. The women look at each over, almost daring each over to do the unspeakable. Emily almost reaches out. Almost. But her mind is quick- it lists all of the wrongs of the situation and she knows they outweigh the rights.
JJ is younger. Married. Happily.She has two sons. Technically, Emily is in a higher position than JJ. It’s unprofessional.
Yet so tempting.
Dangerously tempting.
“JJ can I say something stupid?”
The wine is starting to kick in, that extra glass taking effect.
“Emily, don’t-“
It’s like she knows what’s about to happen. And wants to stop it. Needs to.
“No- no I’ve got to say it. It’s- it’s so stupid. You have your life. Your family-“
“Em, please don’t do this-“
“Jennifer Jareau I love you.”
The room falls silent once more. Before it was with the weight of the unsaid, now it’s the weight of everything said.
“This is-“
Emily laughs sharply, cutting JJ off abruptly. The silence never lasts long. It never would.
“So stupid. I know. But I can’t not, JJ. You’ve- you’ve been here for me for the worst parts of my life. And I’d do it all again if it meant I’d have this job with you.”
JJ sharply inhales. There's a small rush of salt in her eyes but none of it falls. It just sits there and fills.
“You’re drunk.”
“Maybe I am. But you can’t act like you didn’t feel it too. At some point. Way back when. And- and I’m not asking for anything. I just- I needed you to know.”
A pause.
“I’m happy for you and Will. I always have been. You deserve each over. But you know I would go through everything again if it meant we had the chance we’d never got. You deserve the sun, and if you wanted it I would find a way to fly up there and take it for you, even just to see you smile for a few short moments. To watch the way your face lights up, your eyes sparkle. For you to look at me the same way you do to Will.”
JJ doesn’t reply to that. Not directly. She takes a few breaths, and excuses herself to the bathroom.
It hits Emily a few moments later. The wine glass is empty and on the table, her head buried in her hands, silvery tresses falling over here like a shield.
“For fucks sake, Emily. Why’d you have to go and ruin things.”