Chapter Text
As Darry and I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the fluorescent lights of the shopping center. I had two things on my mind: finding out where we had parked the car and the woman handing out flyers about God.
Religion had never been a thing I cared for. Sure, I’ve read the Bible a couple of times out of boredom, and Mom used to take me and Soda out to church every Sunday when we were younger, but I haven’t really thought about that much. I have better things to focus on than dreams.
Anyways, the woman had given me a flyer. Her face was morphed into a fake twisted grin as she spoke, “Don’t forget to start asking for forgiveness for your sins. It’s never too late to fix the evil within you.”
“Thanks.” I thought about crumbling the paper and tossing it, but something kept me holding onto it.
Darry had already begun placing bags inside of the truck and was hollering at me to hurry up, so I lightly jogged my way back to him.
“The lady over there gave me the creeps.” I muttered. Darry opened the truck with a quick nod. “But she isn’t really doing anything wrong.” I placed the last bag into the truck, and we began our drive home.
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Dinner was quiet tonight. Ever since Soda was drafted, the house has felt like a silent void with no escape. I excused myself, cleaned my plate in the sink, and headed off to bed. I wasn’t tired at all.
I dug around my room until I found a dusty pocket bible Dad had always kept on him. I flipped through a couple of pages, sometimes rereading sentences that caught my attention.
John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
I’ve always wondered if being a greaser would mean I had sinned.
The old clock in the hallway began to make clicking sounds. As every second passed, I continued to think more and more.
These thoughts turned into me remembering how I had killed Bob. Back in that park with Johnny. Johnny didn’t deserve to die.
If Johnny had asked for forgiveness, would those people up there have given it to him? I wondered so hard I began to feel sick to my stomach.
I continued to think hard. I want to be given a better chance than my life now. Heaven sounds like a place where all Greasers and Socs could get along. Surely I’d be allowed up there.
I placed the Bible down. I needed a cigarette. Just a cigarette to calm my nerves.
My hands shook as I reached to grab the pack from my bedside table.
I was running low, now down to 3 cancer sticks. God, why didn’t I grab a pack at the supermarket? Saying "God" like that put a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve never cared before, so why now?
Why is it that all of a sudden I care so much? I kicked the sheets off. It was hot in the room. It was so hot. I felt overcrowded even though it was only me in my room.
I threw my shirt onto the pile I had promised Darry I’d clean but never bothered to. I felt like I was going to be sick.
The world spun around me as I ran towards the bathroom. I felt the shake as I dunked my head into the toiletbowl; my body shuddered violently with every gag. I could hear Darry coming in and trying to talk to me, but his voice was lost in the storm in my head. I needed to change my life.
I could feel him leading me back into my room and under my sheets. All I could think about was how I’d burn down there if I didn’t change.
When Darry left the room, I began to cry. Clasping my hands together, I prayed.
God, could you truly forgive me if I changed now?