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Calum and Ashton had been at each other's throats for the entire week. The couple kept getting in fights over the simplest of things, from how the chorus should go in a new song they were working on to what to order for dinner.
This fight was different though, more heated. Calum had gone out with Michel the night before without letting Ashton know where he was going, had not answered any of Ashton’s worried texts, and had then came home high out of mind at four in the morning, not even aware that his boyfriend had nearly had a panic attack when he couldn’t figure out where Calum was.
“Why does it matter if I tell you? You don’t own me, you don’t need to know where I am 24/7. I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself Ashton!” Calum argued.
“I’m not asking you to stay with me at all times, but a nice text telling me where you are wouldn’t hurt. Or maybe a note on the fridge, so I don’t go out of my freaking mind wondering where the hell you are!” Ashton yelled. He was furious that Calum couldn’t understand his anger, or how scared he had been.
“That shouldn’t even be necessary! Why can’t you let me be my own person and leave me alone. You don’t need to know where I am all the time!”
“It’s not that hard to write a little note to make your boyfriend feel a little better. I just want to know that you are safe, so I can still know that you are protected!”
“I don’t need protection Ashton! Sometimes you make me so annoyed! Just leave me alone, I don’t want your help!
Ashton saw red, and the next thing he knew his boyfriend was on the living room floor sitting in the remnants of their glass coffee table. His eyes automatically widened and he rushed to help Calum up.
Calum pushed Ashton away immediately, yelling, “Get away from me you asshole! This is your fault, just stay away from me!” He got up and rushed into the kitchen, leaving the other boy where he was staring at the mess all over the carpet. Calum quickly grabbed his phone sending Luke and Michael a text to get over to their apartment. He heard Ashton walk from the living room to their shared bedroom, hearing the quiet click of the door closing. He was even angrier at his boyfriend for that. He wasn’t supposed to actually listen to Calum. He was supposed to be with him apologizing and helping to pick the glass out of Calum’s bloodied arms, hands, and feet.
After about a minute he heard the other boys knock on the door, having coming from their own apartments, both down the hall. They immediately rushed to Calum, seeing the blood pouring from his torn skin and the quiet tears on his cheeks.
“What the hell Cal! What happened to you? Are you okay?” Luke questioned.
“Ashton and I got in a fight and I fell. I’m fine.”
Michael looked at him like he was crazy. “Like hell you are! Did you really fall or did that asshole push you?”
Calum’s silence was enough to answer his question. Michael’s face went red and his fists balled up in anger.
“I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch! Where is he? I’ll kill him!”
“No Michael, please. It was an accident! He didn’t mean to!” Calum pleaded, stepping in front of Michael as he tried to head towards the hallway.
Luke quickly stepped in, sighing. “Look, let’s just get Cal cleaned up, and then we will go deal with Ashton. Some of those scratches look pretty deep. One of our neighbors is a nurse. I’m sure she would be happy to help stitch them up.”
--
Michael agreed and half an hour later, the boys helped Calum limp back into the apartment, with new sets of stitches all over his arms and feet.
“Now can I go beat the son of a bitch up?” Michael asked.
“No, Mikey. First, we’re just gonna talk to him. If he still deserves it after that than you can go at him.” Luke responded.
“I don’t think there is anything that he can say that will make up for what he did to Calum.”
Calum whimpered. He didn’t want Ash to get hurt. He knew this was all a misunderstanding. Sure, he was mad that Ashton hadn’t immediately apologized for the incident but the look on his face when it happened told Calum that Ashton was just as surprised as he was.
He told the boys as much when he was being stitched up. Luke had seemed to process the information and at least partially accepted it, but Michael had been furious that Calum would even suggest that Ashton hadn’t done anything wrong.
Calum chose that moment to speak up. “He was in the bedroom when you guys got here, so he’s probably still there. Can I go in there alone first? I just wanna talk to him by myself. I promise, I will call for you in if anything happens.”
Michael started to object but Luke shushed him and nodded at Calum.
--
Calum made his way to their bedroom as quickly as he could with the stitches in his feet, leaving Luke and Michael alone in the kitchen. As he passed the living room, he noticed that the mess had been cleaned up while they had been at their neighbors. That meant Ashton had come out of the room to clean it up.
As he approached the door, Calum hesitantly knocked, letting out a soft, “Ash, can I come in so we can talk?”
When he didn’t get answer, he reached for the doorknob, surprised to find it unlocked. As he pushed the door open, he looked into the room, finding it dark and empty. Ashton was nowhere in sight.
Calum made his way further into the space. He turned on the lights, immediately noticing a short note left on the bed.
Calum,
I know what I did was wrong.
I’m so sorry that I ever put my hands on you.
That is never acceptable, and you need to remember that.
I was able to catch a late flight out of L.A. and
I’m going home to spend a bit of time in Sydney.
I’ll be back in a few weeks to pick up all my stuff from the apartment.
That should give you and the boys enough time to find a
new drummer to replace me.
Don’t worry about me.
I deserve to be kicked out.
I hope you move on quickly.
You deserve so much better than me,
And I deserve so much less than you.
I need you to know that no matter what,
I will always love you, but I’m not the person you should be with.
You need to be with someone better, someone who could never hurt you.
Someone who can actually protect you.
Love Always,
Ash
The boy let out a loud whimper as he collapsed onto his knees. Luke and Michael came running into the bedroom, prepared to fight off an angry Ashton but found only a broken Calum, sobbing as he clutched the note to his chest.
“Calum, what happened? Where’s Ash?” Luke whispered, trying to calm the crying boy.
“He’s gone. He’s gone. Oh my god. He’s actually gone,” he whispered, quickly shoving the note into Michael's hands. Calum was practically inconsolable at this point.
“He went back to Sydney. He wants us to find someone else to drum for 5sos. H-he left the band,” Michael stuttered out, as his eyes filled with tears.
Luke simply pulled Michael into his arms alongside Calum, and the trio stayed that way on the floor until both crying boys were passed out from exhaustion and Luke was able to lift them into the bed.
--
When Calum awoke the next morning, he was alone. He was confused for a second, expecting Ashton to be lying right beside him. But then he remembered the events of the night prior, felt the pain throughout his entire body, and felt the ache in his chest from where his heart had shattered.
Calum didn’t cry though. He had cried all of his tears the night before, and he was simply numb. He noticed the note sitting on the bedside table, and picked it up to read it over and over again, struggling to let the fact that Ashton was gone completely sink in.
That was how Luke and Michael found him that morning.
“Cal, you okay bud? It was a rough night last night.” Michael asked gently.
“I’m going to Sydney,” was all Calum said.
“We all are.”
Calum looked up in surprise at Luke’s response, expecting some sort of a fight to break out rather than an agreement.
Luke continued, “We aren’t going to replace him. We can't. We aren’t 5 Seconds of Summer without Ashton, and we never will be again if we let him go.”
Michael looked to Calum first and when he saw Calum nodding in approval he spoke up, “Look, I still don’t agree that he deserves forgiveness for what he did to you Calum, but if you are willing to at least try to work things out with him, then I guess I have to be on board too. I love you Cal. And I love Ash too. I really hope you guys can figure everything out.”
--
The next day, the trio found themselves in the small apartment that Calum and Ashton shared when they came back to Sydney for work weekends.
Calum hadn’t expected to find Ashton here but he had expected to see evidence that Ashton had stopped there before going to visit his mom. He always did that, no matter the circumstances. Calum was confused so he decided that if Ashton still refused to answer his messages, he would have to reach out to Ms. Irwin instead.
She picked up after a few rings with a surprised sounding, “Calum?”
“Hi Ms. Irwin-”
“Calum, what’s wrong sweetheart? You sound upset. Where’s Ashton?”
“Y-you mean he isn’t there with you?!”
“No, why would he be? He’s meant to be in L.A. with you?”
“Um, well… he and I, we got in a fight a few nights ago and it got really heated and I was being a dick and he accidently pushed me into the glass table and I got hurt. He left a note saying he came back home but he wasn’t at our apartment when me and the other boys got here, so we figured he must be with you. I’m really worried, because I just want to work things out with him and his note made it sound like he thought he deserved to have bad things happen to him, and with his past with self-harm, I’m scared he might relapse and I just want him to come home.” Calum explaining, practically word-vomiting all over himself.
“Calum, calm down. I think I know where he might be.”
“Where? Give me the address, I’ll go find him right now!”
“I don’t have an address Calum.”
“B-but you said you knew where he was.”
“I think he’s with his dad.”
“His dad? That’s impossible, he hasn’t seen his dad since he was little. He told us that.”
“No, that’s not true. When he was younger, his father wasn’t the nicest man. That’s why I kicked him out. He used to push Ashton around a bit and on occasion worse things happened, so I filed to have complete custody of my son. The judge gave his father one weekend a month though, but after a while I noticed Ashton was coming home with larger and larger bruises. Eventually I got the judge to agree that that man shouldn’t ever get to see my son, but the damage had already been done.
Ashton’s father had made his self esteem so low that on occasion when he was feeling really bad, Ash would ride his bike to his dad’s house just to get a beating he thought he deserved. I didn’t even realize for years, because Ashton got so good at hiding it. But when I did figure it out, I was furious, and I took out a restraining order against Ashton’s father. It stopped for a while but when Ashton got older and started to have more freedom, I couldn’t keep an easy eye on him anymore and he started visiting his dad again. I know he stopped once the band started to hit it off, just like the self-harming because he told me as much when he admitted that he had visited the man more often than I knew. If I could bet anything, that probably where Ashton is now.”
“Well do you know where his dad lives? Works? Anything?” Calum asked frantically.
“I haven’t seen that man since Ashton was 11, I wouldn’t even know where to start. I would say, just wait around for a bit and Ashton will most likely come home to you. He never stayed too long with his dad, no matter how upset he was. I’ll call you first if he comes here but if I know my son, he’ll go to your home before he comes to mine.
--
The boys waited around for hours, eventually falling asleep curled up together on the large couch.
It was nearing four in the morning when Calum awoke to hear the front door unlocking, and a body stumble in clutching itself in pain. The lights flickered on just as Calum lept off the couch, limping as quickly as possible to his boyfriend, throwing his arms around his neck in a tight embrace.
A loud whimper of pain is what got Calum to jump away from the other boy, and finally take in Ashton’s wrecked appearance.
His hair and clothes were unkempt, dirty and wrinkled. He had a cut above his eyebrow, accompanied by a black eye, bruised nose, and split lip below. The torn wife-beater and knee length shorts he wore did nothing to hide the blue and purple bruising covering his arms, legs, chest, and what Calum could see of his torso. He looked completely exhausted. Calum quickly grabbed his arms, helping him over to sit on the couch, waking up Luke and Michael in the process.
“Ashton! Oh my god! What the fuck happened to you man?” Michael screamed, but Ashton was already passed out, completely dead to the world.
“Guys, help me get him into the bathroom. I’m going to clean him up while he is asleep.” Calum ordered.
--
Getting Ashton undressed and into the bathtub hadn’t been as easy as Calum had expected it to be, but eventually they’d gotten him into the bath and Calum had been able to wash the mangled body, seeing just exactly the extent that Ashton’s father’s abuse went. The bruises weren't what had Calum’s mouth going dry, however. It was the long cuts that ran along the side of the Ashton’s hips and all over his thighs. It was obvious to Calum that not only had Ash gone to his father to get beaten as a form of self-harm, he had relapsed by cutting as well. Calum found cigarette burns along Ashton’s arms, and he prayed to god that Ashton hadn’t taken up burning as well, and they’d had been put there by his father instead. Not that that made it any better, but to Calum, it felt slightly less worse.
He had just finished up washing Ashton’s torso and was finally moving up to clean his face when he was met by a pair of bleary hazel-colored eyes.
“Oh! Ash… you’re awake. How do you feel?”
“M ’fine. Just a bit sore is all. And really tired.”
“Well, just give me a few more minutes so I can wash your face then we can go a sleep in our bed.”
Ashton’s eyes suddenly widened, as if he was just then realized where he was and who he was with. “Cal I’m really sorry about the other night. You don’t have to do this. You don’t need to help me. I don’t deserve your help. You should hate me.”
“Ashton Fletcher Irwin!” Calum scolded. “I could never ever in my life hate you. I love you so so much. You do deserve my help, just as much as I deserve yours. We help each other. That’s what we do.”
“But what about the other night. I hurt you and-”
“I don’t care about the other night. It was an accident. I was being a douche. I should've just realized that all you ever wanted to do was protect me and it is unfair of me to think that you would be okay not knowing where I had disappeared off to. I forgive you, okay! If that is what you need to hear, then I forgive you! Because I can’t live without you, and neither can the band. You are the love of my life and one stupid little accident is not going to change that!”
Ashton stayed quiet for a long time before letting out a quiet sigh followed by, “So, I guess you’ll probably want to know where I was then and where all the bruises came from…”
“I already talked to your mom. She had a feeling you would have gone to your dad’s but she didn’t have a clue how to find him. She told me about what you used to do before you cut.”
“While I cut.” Ashton corrected “I only stopped going over to my dad’s for a short while, a few months at most, after mom got the restraining order. When I was 14, my dad went out of town for a few weeks, and I had a really bad few days. I needed some sort of release but my dad wasn’t there so that was the first time I ever cut. After that, I still went to see my dad, but it was less often because I could cut to get release instead of getting beat up.” He looked down, ashamed of both the story as well as the quiet tears running down his cheeks.
“Regardless, you can’t keep doing this. You don’t deserve it Ashton.”
“Of course I do! I’m a monster! I hurt everybody and everything I touch! I’m disgusting! I deserve to be hurt, I deserve to be alone and I deserve to be destroyed!”
Calum grabbed Ashton’s jaw, forcing the older boy to look directly at him.
“Listen to me. You deserve me. You deserve the band. You deserve the fans. And most importantly, You deserve love. You are the kindest, most caring person that I’ve ever met in my entire life. You are my life. You are my world. And I love you Ashton. I love you so much.”
And with that, Calum pulled Ashton towards him, smashing their lips together in a heated kiss.
When they finally pulled apart to catch their breath, they kept their forehead leaning against one another.
“I love you Ashton Irwin, and nothing will ever change that.”
“I love you more Calum Hood.”