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All it caught up were gunshots piercing through her audio system’s ringing. And a lot of blood coating her hands.
Ringing sounds of constant shots and a motherly instinct calling out she had to protect Alice, she leaned down towards the boat and hugged her firmly. Kara could hear her own shoutings of “Luther!”, calling out to him through the interface.
Luther wasn’t responding.
She reached out between the firmness of her grip for Alice, to check it out for herself. Her grasp was cut off instantly with the shot of the bullet coming from the Coast Guard’s ship. The warm thrium leaking between her fingers warned and confirmed her suspicions of Alice getting caught up in the cross-fire as well. There was, indeed, a bullet wound somewhere.
She had to decide quickly between plunging or accelerating the speed of the boat. She decided that, water would be too cold for them to continue, considering Alice's gunshot wound.
The Coast Guard ship was firing out with all of its might but she wasn't going to back down from a hardship, as that is all they did to this point.
With a last glance she had on Luther, she grabbed the end of the boat and swam with all of her power.
She ignored hiss of blue blood escaping and just gave all of her focus to swimming and wellbeing of Alice.
Cough, cough.
Through the synthetic lungs, they could finally breathe again. The only thing was that everything felt like a tar-pool clinging onto her skin.
“Alice- Alice! Look,Alice! We made it. You’re going to be fine, we’re going to find help and- We’re gonna be fine just-”
But instead, there's no God she could pray to, nor anyone around that could help. The only thing that filled the silence was the now cracking, staticy humanoid-like voice.
“Kara.”Alice whispered hoarsely, as she stared under her wet eyelashes.
She had to be strong at the point of no return. For everyone.
Was all that way, all those pain they have gone through, a sudden thought popped up.
Was it just to live these exact moments?
Such an apocalyptic scenario that was unfolding before her.
She could see Luther’s lifeless body getting ruthlessly pushed by the might of the current, drifting to no-where.
Alice’s riddled body at the cusp of her fingers. She was gripping onto her, nails digging into her arms like letting go meant death to her.
Like she knew she’d be gone soon.
Kara could only stare at Alice’s vitreous eyes slowly drifting into nothingness.
“Thank you Kara, for everything.” She smiled genuinely between the silent cries of her desperation to cling on. Small trickles of tears were not even fighting to be spilled.
That appreciation was like a goodbye wave, only if anything, more painful than anything she had soon up until her life.
“For being my family…”
“Alice! No,Alice-” she cried out. “You’re-you’re going to be…”
“I love you Kara.”
No! What- Ali-
“Goodbye…” She smiled a last time between her silent cries and pleads of her death.
Kara could only stare back at the lifeless body of Alice. The one she couldn’t say goodbye to, the one to return back all those endearing words.
Or neither of those words that could be heard or be the returnee of those words. It was only the howling, crisp winter air burning her artificial lungs that failed to fill the miserable void.
What was all this for exactly, she thought once again. If there were a God for an android’s pleads, would it be returned?
Or would it get disgraced as it’s from a false creation?
She eyed back to the Detroit River gapped between the lands. No signs of life, except the Coast Guard ship that sailed away and empty motor boat that drifted away with Luther.
And then back at Alice.
She was agape with gunshot wounds. Extensive damage from the wounds made a small pool of thirium build-up underneath her.
Kara reached her hand to Alice’s face, wiping off the last tear that she could ever spill. She just couldn't take her eyes away from Alice, like she was glued down by something. There were no more eyes of that broken kid she swore to protect.
“It's all my fault.”
She could feel the rising anguish building up in her throat. She just couldn't accept the reality of everything, screamed her lungs out enough to wake up the birds from their nightly slumber. Between the drips of tears all she could scream was the regret of giving out the tickets, blaming herself for every single thing she could think of. Everything she had done for Alice…
A family.
What family she thought, a mirthless laugh escaping from her lips. What is left behind?
She drifted far away, contemplating this time ,as the time ran out of her. Was she deserving of such a life if it had no more meaning anymore? All she built her life on, was gone between the gunshots.
She doesn’t have to live anymore then, if it no longer had a meaning.
A voice back in her head said, fighting back at her deprecating thoughts, ‘At least live for her, for them’.
She wanted to fight back the voice but the voice came back on top.
Kara with the last of her will and shivers going down her spine from the ruthless, biting cold of the weather, she ran towards the city lights that no longer belonged to Detroit. She now held on to a false hope for her new chapter in life in Canada.
The one that was supposed to belong to all of them.
—------- —----------------------------- —---------
10 months and 5 days passed by ever since then, Kara thought as staring out of a window. The calendar on her system marked the exact date, hour, minutes and seconds of it, leaving no room for argument.
Almost a year of almost shivering to death at the shore of Detroit River.
Almost a year of leaving important things behind whereas, it doesn't seem to be letting her go.
Still, compared to the relentless weather of Detroit she accompanied herself to, Canada’s not any different. If anything, it felt colder. Her eyes followed a speck of snow, slowly drifting away, only to cling itself to the window.
She heard a saying before somewhere, life is nothing but a speck of dust at the mercy of death.
Kara couldn’t comprehend the exact meaning of those words before since natural death as a concept, was something far away for androids. As the time went on, even with her copious amount of lifetime, she started to grasp the concept of time and life as something that is everything and then nothing she could associate with.
Everything because she had to cling to that meaning at one point of her life.
Nothing because it no longer had a meaning.
Would the pain ever slightly settle, she pondered.
Would this guilt ever go away with time? The guilt of her mistakes.
Things that could've been altho being the very reason to be a barricade to?
Was she deserving of this life after making such a mistake, to a life once they promised each other to?
Was anything worth it anymore if the meaning slipped through her fingers?
She was drained of thinking in circles of the same questions she couldn't get an answer to.
Although, deep down, she knew the answers to some of them.
For the time being , the questions she silently pleaded an answer for but never got to, Kara just continuously stared out of the window, as the snow softly fell onto the windowsill and melted away.
She could faintly hear the joyous screams of kids coming from outside.
And now, she could only daydream of once possibleness of the very same laughter escaping from Alice.
—------- —----------------------------- —---------
1 year, 11 months and 10 days passed by , as she realized wiping off the table of the diner. Time was hitting 23 o’clock. The only voice that was accompanying her was the clacks of her oxford shoes echoing the diner to inform she was the only one left. Keys were resting on top of the entrance table, ready to finish the day for another week.
She discerned the poignant expression of her face in the unnecessarily polished and obnoxiously gleaming floor. The shine in her eyes ceased to exist, she realized.
Although there wasn't much of a choice that was presented to her, Kara could've still picked somewhere else to work at besides a shabby diner.
Instead, she still insisted on choosing here, an establishment at the corner of some sketchy alley. The place was only a haunt for a few, it is barely operational.
Paycheck still could've been worse considering everything. It was good enough for an android to live on, compared to the usual basic necessities. Accommodation, bill and thirium was the exception, of course.
The majority of the problem stemmed from unreasonably stupid expectations of the manager.
They knew no matter where this would have been, a harsh wind was always going to be there to knock them down before getting up on their feet. Nothing is sunshine and rainbows after all.
Still, it was ludicrous of her to believe that androids were supposed to work just like before earning their freedom. “No reason to sulk and sully now, is there?”
The manager would almost be right about it if it wasn't for the mental obstruction she was facing on a daily basis. ‘Too much for the life of a free man, huh’ she dryly thinks.
And understandably so, she has been entertaining the idea of quitting nowadays. Perhaps, if she got lucky, a better place than here.
Then that thought immediately gets cut off by incredibly high rent prices and thirium bottle packs. It was almost quite impossible for now anyway with the amount of work force that got filled up by other android refugees.
The questions of ‘Why did you pick here’ could be answered by the now, sudden memories– catching her by the neck, gnawing down the left open wound.
・
・
・
「
“What is our plan once we reach Canada? Besides trying to find somewhere to stay and a stable job I mean.”
Luther turned his head, locking eyes with the curious woman in question.
“Actually,uh…I don't know. Funnily enough, I actually never gave it enough thought. I guess…We’ll see how it goes once we get there. Y’know how life is.” He gave a noncommittal shrug but it somewhat felt to Kara that there's more to it than met the eye so, she pressed on. She playfully poked the giant, seemingly earning an annoyed huff from him.
“Hmm, is that so? But it almost feels like there's not nothing. It couldn't just be me, right?”
“Yes, ‘s just you, Kara. Seems to me that Alice’s influence branched out to your ‘magination as well.” He diverted his eyes to completely ignore the light accusation the woman was making.
She lightly slapped him on the shoulder, smirking this time . “Is it now, Luther?”
“Pretty much so, yeah. We gotta keep you away from her.”
“Over my dead body, she's not going anywhere. Feel free to try.”
That earned a round of laughs from Luther. He was now looking at her at least.
“Chill, ‘m joking Kara. I know you don’t actually mean it that way but you actually sound threatening.”
“Good, then it's working.” That earned another round of laughter from him, this one louder which made Alice slightly shuffle the blanket around.
Then a blanket of silence attempted to shroud the whole conversation, which miserably failed.
“C'mon big guy. Stop with the secrecy. What's it that's actually on your mind?”
As before Luther was going to deny it once again, Kara shushed him without giving him a chance to say anything,
“And don’t even dare to say ‘oh no Kara, it’s nothing really.’ I know you...Let's say good enough.”
He pursed his lips, getting more fidgety from the uncomfortably intense eye contact Kara was giving: A silent persuasion with her eyes. “Sigh, fine. Okay. But, ya gonna think it's stupid.”
“Don't worry! Why would I? When did you see me making fun of an idea?”
Despite seeming like he's gonna say it, he’s pressing on with his last wits.“Nah, you know what, it's literally not important-”
“Luther. C'mon! Don't be like this, I'm really curious now.”
Even though it looked very uncomfortable for him, he pretty much gave up without much of a fight after then, knowing her well-known tenaciousness.
“What if we…Uh. What if we opened a diner?”
“A…diner?”
“Yea ,Kara. A diner, diner.”
“Yeah. A diner, diner. Got that.”
Kara just stared, confused enough to decide to be silent. She just couldn't see the correlation between the man in question and a diner.
“Oh, that’s unexpected- I mean, of course. There's nothing wrong with that. It's uh…I never thought you out of all people would want to open a diner. For some reason, I just… You know.”
“Eh, fair enough. It's just a recent thought.”
Honestly, she is not against it at all. The dream itself was nice once you put thought on it.
Three of them, at the diner–Alice, spending time drawing Kara and Luther from the kitchen. Kara, rushing around, taking the orders– Luther cooking perhaps a set of pancakes, with the sizzling sound of bacon getting put on top.
Dreaming is always nice until reality is hit with the ‘lack of money’ debrief. Reality hurts more than an idealistic heart to admit. It could be though, one day.
Yeah, it was a nice thought to dream about.
“Chasing small dreams, huh?” Kara thoughtfully giddied.
“Yeah, it could be fun, why not?”
“I can see it, yeah. It definitely sounds nice.” Paused a bit before adding more to it.
“What made you settle on the thought? I mean, what made you want to open a diner?”
“It’s not like I settled on it. Hence the name, a dream.”
“Is…a work in progress let's say.”
“I'm asking out of curiosity, of course. You don't have to answer me if you’re not comfortable, Luther.”
He turned away his body towards the window. The last of the remaining rays of the oceanic sky, shone onto his defined cheekbones, highlighting every ounce of the feelings on his face. Nothing to hide, nowhere to hide. Everything was bare under the light that is setting the sky ablaze. Even the sky was making an attempt on squeezing the answer out of him. Which… didn't really take that long.
He took a deep, no-needed breath to start to talk.
“When I was with Zlatko, I ‘s there to assist him on his projects. Whether it be collecting, repairing, re-arranging their inner structure… Watching him do all of that…like the precision of a surgeon, laid out their insides. I could count what I’s made out of, Kara.
While they're awake, laying, begging me through a mouth full of thirium and screeching pleas through the interface. In the hope of something to happen, something that isn't there. Instead, I was standing idly and just...staring at them, witnessing them passing away, contorted into something that no eyes should witness. I was a soldier, sculpted for his disgusting endeavors.
It's to feel like something, at the end. I guess, in the hopes of lessening my guilt in a way. Despite our inability to eat, this is the most comforting thing I could think of for some reason: to make everyone in the moment with pots and old kitchenware. It feels somewhat peaceful to think that I can make someone content while interacting with me.”
To ease the guilt.
This time though, unlike the miserable attempt that was trying to cover the truth, there’s a cutting edge to this silence. Kara was not exactly, trying to push him to reveal such a vulnerable thing about himself. She should’ve, perhaps, not pried much into it and let it die out. She just had a tendency to push-over than needed.
“God, I’m so sorry.”
Luther neither moved nor responded. Instead, just acknowledged the sentiment and remained silent. Kara strongly felt like adding something to at least fix her ‘mistake of saying and asking many things at once’.
“I’m not sure if comfort is among the things you’re in a search for. But, there’s no need for you to blame for things where you didn’t have any power or free will to fight against. You can’t be shaped into someone whereas in your core, you’re not. You will never be what he tried to shape you to, don't you ever forget that. You’re what you decide yourself to be. ”
Luther still had no comeback for that but she could at least see the tenseness dissipating from his shoulders.
“Whether you’d open that diner or not, just know that, we’re going to be there for you. You’re a good man, Luther.”
He gave out a small huff. “Thank you, Kara.”
They just stand still, letting that conversation wash over and digest it. Especially these days, they found it easier to trust each other to rely on one another, even at difficult times. Getting eased up more after meeting up under extreme circumstances.
“So,” a small laugh leaving her lips. “,will I be the waiter in that case?” Kara asked humorously, to ease up the remaining tension.
And despite the very vulnerable exchange, they could still find power within themselves to joke around.
Luther shrugged at that response. “ ‘S an ‘instinct’ to serve as a home model or somethin, huh?”
He paused for a second, giving it a thought.
“Sure, but only if you’re down for it.”
」
Goddammit, Kara was growing tired of this.
She hastily threw out the tablecloth on the table and grabbed onto the keys only to drop them with the betrayal of her shaking hands. Whilst shakily getting them, she made another eye contact with herself on the extremely clean floor. She could barely hold herself back from weeping at the sight of herself.
Fucking goddammit.
So she just sat there, staring at the reflection of a pitiful face, letting those tears flow away.
—------- —----------------------------- —---------
3 years, 1 month and 20 days passed by this time, as she was mindlessly walking down to stop eating her mind out from the overbearing fruits of life. Latest of those thoughts was ‘what would be an appropriate gift for her new workplace’ and the required paperwork for her to start. It was a different diner this time, and a far nicer place with a buzzing atmosphere where it finally felt like she had a part in something, belonged somewhere. She definitely got lucky thanks to one of her neighbors.
Between the thoughts that occupied her from everyday life, from her peripheral vision, she got pulled in towards by an unknownst force: To show her the sparkling mightiness of Quebec City and its flickering lights like it is the center of the world. A star sitting on a reserved throne of a christmas tree with angel decorations and hand-painted ornaments of the locals, gracing the presence of it much more alluring.
It’s oozing comfort, the embrace of a mother.
…
–Hands cusping a small face between both hands.--
…
Cookies and milk, presents and laughter.
Static sound of a turned on television, where the leftover of a film continues without being watched.
At least, that’s what she overheard from the conversations and tv shows, not from first-hand experience of that so- told magical Christmas spirit. But who knows, she will get to perhaps this year? Kara had a good feeling about this.
Maybe it really was going to get better, somewhat.
[
“ Pinky promise ?”
“Aren’t we too old for pinky promises?
We’re almost in our late 20s.”
]
She heard amongst the crowd, between two couples exchange, comparable to a childlike joyment coming from one of the partners.
‘It is in small promises and fun things we find wonder in life…’, another strip of conversations she overheard. ‘...where we find things worth living there. Nothing is too childish for you to enjoy.’
Kara spined her head, full focus on the tree pretending like she wasn’t just eavesdropping. She didn’t mean to. She just couldn’t help herself like it had to be heard.
A remanence from the past, wind hollowed through her audio system.
There it was, an impending doom of a dialogue that was exchanged in the past where she couldn’t quite pinpoint. It was the breeze of the past that washed over her, a memory from past times flashes statically back at the time of funfair: Ferris wheels and carousels…
A smile broke out on the kid’s lips.
・
・
・
『
Bright lights of the carousel shimmered in the night amidst the crowd of attractions, making it look like the center of all the joy and happiness. It wasn’t like it was far from it, when Alice was the one having the time of her life between the tribulation. It could also be said for Kara too, in a way. To finally see Alice without agitation and even though briefly, to be able to act like no worry to gnaw on her.
After 20 minutes straight of riding the carousel, she decided that it was enough to spin around aimlessly on a horse. Seemingly though, the carousel wasn’t enough to satiate her thirst, she insisted on trying whatever wasn’t trashed out and playable enough. Amidst all, ring toss, high striker the claw machine…And the list goes down. Second of her favorite being the claw machine, just because of the other plush Luther won for her. It was kind of surprising for somewhere that was abandoned, most of the stuff was still operable.
But despite every attraction, carousel came on top. No attraction could have the shine in her eyes while riding it. Truly, kids can find fun in the most mundane and boring things. Even at this minute, she was still rearranging the bowling pins and throwing the disks to knock them over.
While she was engaged in a conversation with the Terrys, just for a second where she diverted her attention away from Alice, she disappeared out of her sight. Somewhere inside her came to a halt, dreading her with the panic of an Alice that wasn’t there.
“Alice!” she yelled with all her might and waited for her to respond back.
Then rushing through the cutting corner, there it was, a barely sparkling Christmas tree. It was standing straight despite being buried under the ongoing snowstorm. And there it was, Alice standing in front of it, captured by the tree like it was the most eye-catching thing she’s ever seen in her life.
“Oh thank God, Alice. You scared me, I thought you got lost.” She slowly approached the little girl. Alice replied, turning her head, barely cutting eye contact with the tree.“Sorry. I heard you Kara ,it’s just…” then gave her full on attention to the tree.
“Hmm…It really is a really beautiful tree, isn't it? ”
“It is.”
The crunch under Alice’s boots had shifted Kara’s attention towards the tree to her movement, following Alice with her eyes. She moved her hands towards the bottom part of the Christmas tree, acting delicately like the ornament is a fragile object to touch. Gazing into the ball and into her small, almost nonsensical reflection.
“I’ve never celebrated Christmas before.“ She started talking.
“Kids I saw almost always did though. Their parents bought gifts of toys and stuff."
As if the ornament she was holding was the most glamorous thing she ever held, she stared, mesmerized, spun the ball in her hand. “It looks fun.”
Kara scrutinized the little girl’s expression from where she was standing, unable to help but feeling a pang in her heart for the poor girl to never be able to live a life like her peers. A life deprived of the attention and love a parent provides while watching other kids get to live the life you always desired. It just keeps misery for a company to see a wish that never came true.
Kara just couldn't help herself to fill with dread. She wished to give her a life like that one day.
“I've seen Christmas trees before, in our neighborhood once. Not this up close though. Every tree I've seen has a star at the tip of the pine tree. Almost.
“It is so pretty.”
Kara laughed adoringly. “Yeah, even angels sometimes sit up there. From what I’ve seen.”
“Really?” Alice asked curiously.
“Really.” Kara smiled back.
“Then, I hope I get to see one someday. It must be as pretty as this one.”
“Mhm. It sure is.”
“I don’t believe no Christmas tree can be ugly.” she paused to add on.“...Okay, maybe there are some.”
What else could Kara say aside from the rising resonance of a laughter?
“We should celebrate it one day. You, me and Luther. Three of us as a family.”
There was a small afterpause to those words.
“Only if we ever get to.”
Which sounded like a choir of wisps, a puff of smoke that left her lips; almost inaudible for ears to catch on.
It still grasped Kara’s attention on the referred nuance. The possible chance of their ever possible death was very much still on the table. Vultures in the shape of black helmets and guns were ready to pray on them each moment. Something that is harbored at the back of their mind, it’s just not a thing that was commonly mentioned. It was a deliberate attempt on Kara’s part, to keep Alice away from those thoughts.
She wants her to live her life without the fear of death encompassing her, to be a normal girl, despite being actively aware of their circumstances.
And Kara also knows it’s just a poor man’s wish to think that this could be kept hidden from her. Alice’s a bright girl and couldn't be easily swayed, after all. Far more smarter than your usual eight year-old.
For the time being, though, she will do her best at keeping her away in this made up wonderland. It is the wrong way of handling things for the right reasons in her heart. “For creatures weren’t born nor learnt the way of a flow, yet, this’s what needs to be done…” said the voice that compassed her. “...for the life of a free-man and her family.”
She agreed with the analogy of her inner self, although unnecessarily poetic. “We will see them someday.”
‘You’re lying through your teeth again, Kara.’ said the voice, calling out her faux confidence.
“Hmm…
“I'll hold onto your words.” She shifted slightly to adjust herself to hold her pinky up properly.
“Pinky promise me then?”
“Pinky promise you.”
Then Alice proceeded to seal the pact with adding on a tasteless rhyme she never heard her saying before:
“Pinky, pinky, bow-bell,
Whoever tells a lie
Will sink down to the bad place,
And never rise up again!”
“Alice…Isn’t it a bit..? Where did you even learn this?”
“Now, now Kara! That wouldn’t matter if it's a promise that you’ll complete, right? You pinky-promised!”
』
Which was now an unfulfilled promise, something that couldn’t come true. Not for all of them at least. She’s still here, standing by herself.
The only soul here to witness the joyful sight. On her own with the arising guilt resurfacing. Now the joyment that once filled her heart upon seeing the sight, was left in place of a guilt ridden heart and overbearing the body of the promises she never even got to fulfill.
Her treacherous head yells at her with connotations, ‘None of this is what you deserve, you should've bled out on that shore. You could’ve been with your family if you did that.
Don't worry, Kara. You have plenty of time to decide.’
Tears prickled in her eyes as her mind continuously spoke.
When, she contemplated just like she did numerous times before, When will it get easy with the memories of us, will it not hurt as much?
She got a phone call that night from her new co-works, inviting her to celebrate this Christmas Eve together.
She declined it though, telling the most idiotic excuse she could say for herself that is known to mankind: “Sorry, I’m sick. I wouldn’t be able to join. You guys have fun.”
Was it too late for her to say that good feeling was now slowly vanishing?
‘It was too good to be true anyway, Kara.’
—------- —----------------------------- —---------
In total 3 years, 5 months and 14 days passed by, and a few months ever since her decision on pushing herself further into self-isolation. Everything around her was working out quite nicely compared to a few years, let alone a few months ago. A new environment felt just like the whiff of a crisp spring air to her lungs. She wasn’t doing most of the chores by herself anymore, she had multiple helping hands to carry her back instead of laying all of it on her.
Her boss wasn’t a remorseless, micromanaging asshole that nitpicked her ass on everything she did. Still, the new manager pissed Kara off due to her diligent patience towards her. It sometimes felt like she was pampering her as if she's going to shatter. Overall, it could’ve been said that her life was going for better. A better job, surrounded by better people.
So why was it that everything came to a stop in her internal clock? Why did it feel like whatever she did, felt like there was no purpose behind it? Even for the things she does for herself suffocatingly overbearing on her body and mind. It still felt like walking through the quick sand, where no matter what she does, she would just sink in deeper.
And this was ever since that blissful day filled with a Christmas tree, freshly baked goods’s scent, bustling streets filled with promises. A night filled with mesmerizing, flashing lights and cracked smiles, and a conversation where it partakes in front of a giant tree and expectations from a desired future, a night of a small but significant promise…
“I've seen Christmas trees before, in our neighborhood once. Not this up close though. Every tree I've seen has a star at the tip of the pine tree. Almost.
“It is so pretty.”
…
“I'll hold onto your word.”
Pinky promise me then?”
“Pinky promise you.”
With a very grime rhyme followed close and it was like Kara broke a divine promise and was now eternally punished by the God with pushing a boulder uphill. It's purely baseless to believe so and Kara is definitely not someone with superstitions. It was just so frustratingly impossible to pin down how she felt. One day, it'd be a day surged with positive feelings and feeling ‘Yeah, maybe it will work out. It's going to be better’ and then proceeds to break down whenever her past finds an opportunity, grabs her by neck and forcibly chucks her across a slab of concrete.
A torturous cycle of continuity, an oroboro of the mind. Baptize the new thoughts, cleanse and then repeat…
She didn't want to feel like this anymore. Was it so that she didn't deserve anything?
‘Perhaps, it is. You are here, experiencing the beauty of a free life while they lay there. Somewhere in the river, somewhere in the dirt…What are you even doing here? Dirt is calling for you despite not being a being of flesh.’
Her number one hater talked without raising her hand first.
For fuck’s sake, she afterthought.
The change was also apparent between her co-workers. They preferably choose not to pry too into her life since for the majority of the androids that came over had some sort of trauma they baggage alongside themselves. It was for the best at least not to relieve and pick those scabs.
It wasn’t like she wanted to be bothered by it, she wanted these thoughts buried away in her mind graveyard. So nowadays, she also doesn’t allow the memories to submerge her. Instead, diverts her focus to different activities: Crocheting, clay making, painting, drawing… Any activity that was available in her budget,honestly.
But it's just not working out. At first, it was a good way to cope; trying different things or finding hobbies to occupy yourself. But eventually, with every hobby she automatized herself, like the damn android she is. And through the cracks of her blindsides, thoughts find a place for themselves to wriggle in like a worm.
Then a hollow echo of the phone’s ring pierced through her thoughts, at a time where no soul with reasonable explanation should be awake.
The phone's screen’s obnoxious light had her stopped like a dear in the headlights. She read the name of the incoming caller.
Sasha.
‘What the hell?’she thought. For some reason, the gut feeling of something wrong was punching her hard in the stomach. She hesitantly accepted the call and raised it up to her ear.
“Hello?”
“Kara, hey! It's me, Sasha.”
“Oh. Hey Sasha. Did you want something? It's a bit…” Swayed her eyes to check on the clock on the wall.“...late.” Why do I even have a wall clock?
“Just checking in, just checking in…”
“You're checking in this late at night? At 3.30 AM? ”
“Yeah, can't I worry about a friend?”
“Not if it's past well the damn midnight Sasha. Don't beat around the bush. Why’re you calling so late at night?”
“Jesus, calm down. You're talking like we’re sworn enemies.” A deep gurgle that reminded nothing similar to a laugh but more akin to a roar of a boar. “As I said. I'm just…Checking in. Out of worry, that is.”
“...Why would you be? I'm doing fine. Everything is going just great.” I have a lovely place I work at, I can spend more for me, I can seek around the city and finally-
“Is that so? That doesn't really sound believable and you know that. You know, don't beat around the bush, perhaps.”
“I should be the one saying that, perhaps, Sasha.
There was a sigh of annoyance coming from the other side of the call. “Whatever, Kara. I didn't call to fight with you. I'm just-”
“Why would you be? I told you I'm fine-”
“Yeah, yeah sure. Whatever. You're probably right and I wasn't just imagining a huge tide of change with you within these couple of months. Like how you didn't trapped yourself into your head and pushed everyone away? My bad.”
There was a small silence before her voice cut through again.
“You were better before the night of Christmas, Kara. I know someone or something happened. What did actually happen?”
Another small silence.
“You can tell me, Kara. I’m here to listen to you. Y'know? Ugh. I'm– sorry for the aggressiveness. I'm just genuinely concerned.”
Just bite the bullet, Kara. Tell her.
‘ Who are you to waste her time with useless pieces from your life? Do yourself a favor by sitting this one out, Kara.
She’ll probably blame you anyway because it's your fault. You're such a joke. While literally…
It’s
Your
Fucking
Fault
That
They're
DEAD.
You don't even honor their memories right. Coward.’
I should've not done that, fuck.” she heard Sasha whispering between the loud cries and hiccups that were now forcing its way out. Like all the tar and phlegm was wriggling inside out of her, begging to just leave this horrid place called her insides.
Yeah, she did bite the bullet in a sense. But not the intended way of doing so.
“Kara, darling…”
“I’m sorry Sasha, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I've just been-I just do feel so-
I just keep fucking things up. I'm just not worth it.”
“Fuck.”
Then she just hung up the call. Out of shame perhaps. Or it was just that she didn't have anything to say any longer.But it was for certain that she somehow managed to push one more person away from her life. Her train of thoughts made her just weep for longer periods.
Between her huge drops of tears, her phone made a small ping sound to alert her and avert it to the phone she threw aside.
A message sent from Sasha:
“Hello, Kara. Uh, I just wanted to write back to say sorry, again. I should've not pushed you to reveal that it is clearly something hard to deal with. But my offer still stands. I'm here to listen to you, whatever happens, whatever you're dealing with…I'm available whenever you feel like you're ready. I might not be the best person to lend an ear to but I'll do my best nonetheless.
In hard times, we help each other. It's not a favor, it's not needed to be a promise. We just know. You're the part of the family now too, Kara. Don't you forget that.
Goodnight :)”
Whenever you feel like you're ready.
It's not a favor nor a promise, we just know.
You're a part of the family as well, Kara.
‘ Just like another family you'll kill.’
“Shut up.”
She just continued to weep until every single fluid dried out of her system.
—------- —----------------------------- —---------
“You should stop beating yourself over it Kara.” a voice replied unhelpfully.
3 years, 6 months and 3 days passed by, as she decided to get consulted by her friend. She could feel she was growing more annoyed by the second they’re interacting with each other. Despite taking the helping hand, it was more so she was withstanding being dragged to Averna.
“What happened has already happened,”
I know it already, why’re you telling me the same thing? I heard them before.
“And it’s not your fault, y’know?”
Maybe. I took the responsibility for their future. I selfishly decided that this was the right thing to do. I know it very well.
But it might as well be mine.
She tried her best to keep her composure. “But it’s still…there. Even though it’s far away from my reach. Memories are still there, even at times where I don’t willingly think about it. Promises I made…”
Involuntarily, she followed the smoke’s direction that was blown to, watching the cigarette smoke disperse away to the sky.
“...and the lies I told only to fail them.”
Sasha,despite there being no reason for Kara to be smoking, put down her cigarette and lit up another one and offered one to her as well.
Kara normally stopped smoking a while ago. It was more like an escape, a distraction, to stop thinking about if thoughts reappeared on her mind. It wasn’t like it was doing much since she was all electrical without any chemistry to feel that temporal relaxation. So she thought, why not? Not like her lungs were going to rot away, not like there’s any point to anything.
She took up to the offering and inhaled deeply, feeling the tar clinging to her gears and cables, a semi equivalence of a slowly dying body.
Too bad that she was still here now, wasn’t it?
Sasha inhaled from the cigarette once again. “I still fail to see how it’s your fault though.”
As if it was the last drop to fill the bucket of overwhelming emotions, she erupted with bubbling rage and anxious mess. “It was me that got them killed! You weren't there- You didn't see what I saw-”
“No.” she harshly interrupted. “Sorry Kara but it was those assholes and biases of people that led them to their death as with many others. It was never your fault and never going to be. You were a victim as much as they were.”
The way she tried to empathize was lacking but it was obvious she was trying. For that, Kara was grateful. But at the same time, her attitude was moderately pissing her off for some reason.
“It might not be gone absolutely, Kara. Almost nobody can forget important people we had in our lives. That's what makes grief strong, guilt of it even stronger.
Not that I know the kind of guilt you experiencing…”
She inhaled one last time, reaching the butt of the cigarette and putting it out.
“...So I don’t exactly understand what you’re going through and hey, I am really bad with words and my way of explaining can be considered a bit…harsh.”
She reached out to hold onto Kara’s hands. The bubbling rage sort of subsiding inside her.
“Whatever promises you held, whether or not you couldn’t fulfill them, they’re not held and failed to make you the biggest liar out there. Neither it is to fault you for it to result in this way.
I can’t know what the future holds admittedly, and it’s not my place to tell you what to do with it. But if there’s something I’ve learned through trial and error, pain and betrayal that it's going to be okay someday. Anyday. Maybe not tomorrow but someday. Even though it might feel like you’re bound to be stuck in a cycle of never ending torture, trust me when I say this.
Everything has a right of passage.
Until then instead of living in the fabricated lies of your head and ignoring actuality, grieve. Let the grief subside, let it know that; it’s not your fault. Allow yourself to breathe the current life you own. Instead of fooling yourself like all that happened was your fault.”
“But-” she stopped her words in their tracks.
“What if it really was my fault and means of accepting it…means that it wasn’t my fault. But if- what if this is a way of the universe punishing me for my bad deeds? Even for existing maybe, I should not exist and I’m-”
“Kara, breathe. Calm down your despairful train of thoughts darling. You were a victim, not an offender guilty of charge. You just wanted a life with them and…Life is just a cruel mistress, let’s say.”
Kara gave a curt nod. There was something back in somewhere of her, still clung to her past thoughts and beliefs every time she tried to suppress and ignore it.
She, nonetheless, appreciated the sentiment behind her annoyance.
“You will be okay, Kara. I know you’ll. And I will be there at least, to support you whenever I can. You’re not alone.”
Kara felt the tears prickling with overwhelming feeling surging over her and wanting to let it flow away, like a broken dam. So she cried, laying down on Sasha’s shoulder and letting it out. The woman leaned towards her to give her a full hug, Kara reciprocating back.
For now, just grieve. It will be okay.
She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.
—------- —----------------------------- —---------
5 years, 11 months and 30 days passed by,
“As I thought nothing got easier, pain I feel is just like a parasite. I should’ve done this earlier maybe but…I never got the courage to go and face back the visual aided memories. You could call me a coward, I suppose.
I clung to this feeling for a long time and admittedly it actually never passed away, only subsided. I trusted time to heal the unhealed wounds that were left of us. It barely helped…so I chose to live in denial.”
“Years passed by, none of you were here.”
“A lot of things happened, a lot of feelings…
I started working at a diner, Luther. Just like we were talking about that dream of yours. It was hard, so hard. I didn't want to and persisted through the dismissive attitude and disrespect. It took me a leap of faith to finally get out of there with the help of someone else. That was the first time I asked for help after a long time. It's much nicer where I work now.
And hey, Alice. I went to see a Christmas tree in Quebec once, 2 years later after our promise. It really was as beautiful as we imagined, lights on it were shimmering with all its might. It had this booming atmosphere with every type of person you could think of.
I even thought about buying you a gift but it would've been a foolish thing to do. I can't really…give it to you. It's just not possible.
Those memories are just me, witnessing all of these alone; full of guilt and misery of my faults and could have be’s.”
“I even thought about giving up numerous times, what if it wasn't even worth me living a life without you?
At the same time though, you know what Luther, Alice…Ironically enough, you guys were my anchors in a way.”
“If it is for you guys, it’s a life worth living for. That’s what you’d wanted me to do.”
She shakily left out the puff of smoke out of her lips.
“That’s what we wanted to do.”
Kara stopped herself mid-speech of her one man ceremony. She glared towards the Detroit River which she wasn't over that side for years now, filling her with unwanted memories once again.
Passed companionships and abuse that lingered within a filth reeked house. Her first time holding Alice by hand and fear of getting caught while keeping her alive.
That was always her first priority.
A wrecked ship, unattended boat and two bodies that were left behind that mattered the most to her.
“I am sorry. It is my fault you guys are not here today. It is my fault I can't hear your laugh anymore, Alice. You could've played snowball with the kids, they would’ve loved you. We could've seen the Christmas tree together, finally seeing the angels together.
It's my fault Luther, if only I didn't give away the tickets. You could've opened that diner, maybe. Whether it was a dream that wouldn't be granted, it felt alive and reassuring as if it was really going to happen.
And…I am going to say one more thing that will be added to my pile of regrets.”
If only someone could respond to her saying, ‘and what would that be this time?’
It was only the harsh winter’s breath that whispered in her ear.
“It leaves a vile taste in my mouth as I say this and maybe I should never admit this aloud, keeping inside the box of the unsaid things.
But…I think,or rather, don't want to live inside the “what if’s” and “could’ve been’s” we dreamed of anymore.”
A slip of a single tear, lashed down her cheek. Kara swiped it with the back of her hand.
“Which at this point, they are not meant to happen.
Because you guys aren't here, not even able to hear what I am saying.”
She laughed humorlessly as she was sharing an inside joke only for herself to understand.
She leaned down, putting the flowers she was holding to, that’s one of the things she learned from humans.
Grieving, remembering those who passed away. And try to move on,
even with none of them being present.
She slowly put the flowers onto the small, poorly made graves she made for them.
They might not be gone absolutely, Kara. Almost nobody can forget important people we had in our lives. That's what makes grief strong, guilt of it even stronger.
Not that I know the kind of guilt you experiencing.
The ghost of a smile on her lips, she turned back, this time, trying to swallow the regret that had been eating her in and out. Maybe it was okay for it to hurt instead of dealing with it in denial. Instead of suppressing everything…
A destructive monster made out of the strongest hurricane.
No matter how much you flounder, guilt will be there, waiting for you to fall back into it. Let the grief subside, let it know that; it’s not your fault. Allow yourself to breathe in the current life you own. Instead of fooling yourself like all that happened was your fault.”
Maybe it truly was okay for her to enjoy the life that was blessed upon her. Survivor’s guilt also didn't have to infiltrate her whole life, perhaps.
You're gonna be okay. Anyday. Maybe not tomorrow but someday.
As of now, she’s willing to withstand and stay alive to see it happening. As long as she could go on. For them, she thought, that's what they'd have wanted. She made a pact, one that is made out of promises and not with lines of distaste in them.