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Advice is no charge (even if it's the one you don't want)

Summary:

Yugyeom goes to Bambam for advice, but what he get's is not necessarily what he asked for. (not at all.)

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Yugyeom adjusted his sunglasses and ignored Bambam's raised brow. It was the latter’s own fault anyway. Why the heck did they have to meet here of all places where the topic Yugyeom wanted to talk about was the most dangerous one.

"You okay?" Bambam asked him doubtfully.
"Why did we have to meet at the coffee shop??!" Yugyeom screeched in a hushed voice. "What if we raise any suspicions?"
"A, because it's Mark's shift. And B, those sunglasses make you look more suspicious than anything."

The first statement didn't make sense to Yugyeom until Mark set down an exaggeratedly huge piece of cake (Yugyeom was sure nobody had ordered) in front of Bambam and ruffled his hair affectionately.

"So your free cake is more important than my life?" Yugyeom took the sunglasses off but couldn't help glancing constantly at the door.

"It always is. Nothing goes over Mark's cake and they're even tastier when they're for free." Bambam defended his cake against Yugyeom's thievish finger's with his fork. ("It's huge! I want just a little piece!" "Mine." "You're just going to get fat!" "No matter what you say you're not getting any" - nothing helped.)

"So why are we here anyway." Bambam made a show of eating his cake with as much relish as possible.
"I need advice. It's about Youngjae."
"What about him, do you need to spice up your life between the bedsheets?"
Yugyeom gasped in disgust but his red cheeks told a different story.
"No! I mean ... we're only 2 months 4 days and 16 hours together-"
"Yugyeom wait!" The older interrupted him, shoved a large piece of cake into his mouth and devoured it before he began to speak again. "I'm just gonna ignore the whole thing after '2 months' -at least you didn't count the minutes-" (Yugyeom looked at his wristwatch and mumbled "twentyfive") "you're disgustingly cute together since 2 months and you still didn't do the horizontal tango? Did you even kiss? Do you hold hands? Or is this a sex-after-marriage thing?"

Yugyeom shrugged. "As far as I know there is no rule how fast you have to proceed in a relationship, as long as all parties are content. But yeah, we did kiss" he mumbled, blushing. Of course they had kissed. It had taken only a week for them to be so desperate to finally overcome their shyness. Well, it was more in the affect, in a moment Yugyeom forgot to think and followed his instincts. And Yugyeom was glad for that, because after that, they couldn’t stop. Youngjae’s lips were like a drug he couldn’t get enough of and once he saw him, it was impossible to hold himself back. He didn't know how he could have lived his whole life without it.

He had had a few middle and high school romances that did involve kissing too, but none of them were like Youngjae. Making out with Youngjae was Yugyeom's favorite thing to do. If he could put it as 'hobby' in his blog, he would, but that would probably sound weird.

Youngjae’s kisses were shy, inviting and sweet. When they kissed, Yugyeom felt like he was in wonderland, nothing aside from the touch beneath his hands, the hands roaming his own body and the slide of their lips mattered. Yugyeom loved it when he could feel Youngjae's tongue on his lips, shyly asking for more and Yugyeom would give him more, tasting him with his own tongue, exploring his mouth and Youngjae would make this satisfied sound, barely a moan. Even if they broke apart for a moment, catching their breaths, they would still feel the heat where their foreheads touched and their breath mingled. No matter if their lips were a few millimeters apart, touching softly or pressing against each other passionately, Yugyeom's whole body tingled and his heart fluttered with happiness.

"Hello? Earth to Yugyeom!" Bambam waved a hand in front of his face. Yugyeom got out of his reverie and back to Bambam and his problem at hand.

He wanted to move further. If just kissing Youngjae already felt this right, he wondered how awesome it must feel doing more intimate acts with him.

"I don't think that he doesn't want to or doesn't feel ready yet. It's just…”, he tried to find the right words, “I guess we're both too shy to make the first step."

Bambam looked at him incredulously.
"But if you know that he wants it too, why don’t you make the first step then???"

Yugyeom blushed and fumbled with the sunglasses still in his hands. "Well, first, I think, I’m not sure, sometimes he does look rather nervous, and secondly I .. I don't know how to go about it. How to create the right mood. I mean, I want it to be the best for him. I want it to be perfect."

Bambam shook his head. "First times are never perfect. All you have to do is make it memorable. The most pivotal thing to care about is the timing. You have to make your move at the right time."

Yugyeom sighed "But when is that?"

A sudden panic gripped his stomach and cold sweat ran down his neck as an arm sneaked around his schoulder and a dark, growling voice whispered into his ear. "How about never."

Yugyeom gulped. Bambam seemed unperturbed. "Hi Jaebum", he waved and continued to eat his cake. Yugyeom felt betrayed. In their conversation he had forgotten to watch the door and now he had the trouble.

"I hope you were not talking about what I think you were talking about.” Jaebum growled. The arm around his neck tightened.

"I-I don't-"

"Yugyeom just wanted tips on how to get into Youngjae's pants." Bambam interrupted him in a ‘as-long-as-it’s-not-me’-manner. There was a friendship ending.

Yugyeom weighed his chances to flee. He was sitting between the windows and Jaebum. The panic that had gripped him was still holding him frozen in place and it was impossible for him to move over or under the table. It was useless, there was no escape. He could feel the sweat trickling down his temples, the arm was heavy around his neck and it got hard to breathe. Through his dizziness he could hear the blood pumping the bittersweet melody of his life ending into his ears. He prepared himself for his last moments, only wishing he could kiss Youngjae one last time, when the arm around him loosened and someone shouted out in pain.

"Ouchouchouch"

"It's your shift now, idiot! You're already 5 minutes late!" Jinyoung had Jaebum by the ear and dragged him away. "I want to go home too."

They stared (Yugyeom relieved, Bambam happily waving goodbye to Jaebum) as Jinyoung shoved him behind the counter and pushed his apron into his nose. But instead of going home, he sat down next to Yugyeom and looked at them expectantly to continue their conversation.

"What were you talking about anyway?"

"Nothing." Yugyeom said at the same time Bambam blurted "He wants to the rumpy pumpy with Youngjae and needs advice."

Yugyeom threw Bambam an angry glance but the older just threw his hands in the air. “What? It’s no big deal, is it? It was to come sooner or later anyway.” He tried to talk Jinyoung into ignoring what Bambam had said, but he realized Jinyoung wasn’t listening as he saw into Jinyoung’s sparkling eyes.

“Oh I see~ You’re a grown up now.”, he said full of pride, “I’m pretty sure you got taught about protection and how important it is already. But Yugyeom, let me tell you, there are so many things to consider. First off, guys don’t work like girls, you have to handle them differently. Listen,-”

Yugyeom zoned out at that point. He had learned to 'unlisten' to Jinyoung during his time rooming with him when he discovered that Jinyoung loved to practice his texts and dialogue (and his partner's dialogue) in the dorm room during the most inconvenient times.

So he blocked out the voice next to him and thought up scenarios which could possibly lead to him and Youngjae together in bed. (He realized he shouldn’t have passed up Jinyoung’s endless offers to watch his sappy romance movies.)

About 23 unsatisfying scenarios later, Yugyeom felt the butterflies in his stomach rumble pleasantly. He zoned back into the present and saw Youngjae stepping into the cafe. (He also realized, his defenses down now, that Jinyoung somehow ended up explaining the do's and don'ts of bondage -maybe he could ask Jaebum about that later, when he got a decent escape route- and Bambam was scribbling notoriously into a little black book, taking notes.)

His stomach dropped as Jinyoung noticed Yugyeom's gaze and discovered Youngjae too.
"Youngjae!" He yelled to Yugyeom's dismay, "good that you've come! Come here, I have to explain you a few things!"

Yugyeom tried to send Youngjae a 'Run! Run as fast as you can and don't look back' look, but alas they still needed to work on their telepathic skills.

Notes:

Another day Yugyeom escaped death