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Your quill moved against the paper of your notebook, some formulas of potion recipes you needed to memorize. You were writing the same one over and over again, your hand had memorized the characters, but was your mind remembering any of it? When you realized your brain wasn't matching up with your writing you paused for a moment, setting your quill down and picking up your notebook.
Radish.
Scorpion stinger.
15ml of water.
It was the right recipe, but you don't remember thinking about it. You set down your notebook and stared at it. Well, maybe not at it, more like past it, like you were looking through it, not necessarily at the table beneath it, or even the ground underneath the table. You were looking through all the layers of the Earth and even beyond space. Your eyes stared but right now there was nothing you saw.
And before you could begin to think a voice pulled you from the trance that had encapsulated you.
"What are you doing here?" Rayne's voice sounded against the walls of the library. Oh great. Now he was here. Just hearing his voice pissed you off to no end. Everything that reminded you of him even reminded you of where you stood. Except, instead of some mundane object that resembled him, he was here, behind you, standing.
"Studying." You said as you picked up your quill again and began to write something down. You didn't know what you were writing, just words—something to make you look busy. Rayne was the last person you wanted seeing you this out of it.
"Studying won't help you much anymore." Hearing that made you pause your writing, but just as quickly as you had realized you stopped, you started again.
Damn that guy. He said that knowing full well how you'd take it. In a way, he was right though. Rayne was the Divine Visionary, not you. Those days of training tirelessly were long behind you now that your prime was over. Dang, was only last year your prime? Did you peak in high school?
No. That's stupid. You're still very much in the intermediate state of your life. Not necessarily your prime, just alright. Significantly less so than last year when you were working for something. But its okay. You're freshly 18 and you're still a badass in duels, still highly ranked in your class. You're not weak by any means, yet, why did you not feel the same? You still trained, and you still studied endlessly after classes, only, there was nothing you were putting in so much effort for anymore, not since you lost against Rayne in the final selection of Divine Visionary.
So what were you studying for now? To try again? Nothing was technically stopping you. You weren't sure why you had no will to compete again. You were a third year now, so would returning after failing in your second year make you look desperate? You didn't really want to seem like some kind of wash-up. But now that the one thing you'd been striving for for two years seemed to have slipped between your fingers, you didn't know what you were trying for anymore. Maybe you were just studying in hopes that it would distract you just enough to keep your mind from thinking about if this was as good as it'd get. Was this as good as you'd feel for the rest of your life?
Geez. You're only in high school. You should save the existential crisis for when you're forty and living alone, working for some vendor and thinking about how if you had just trained a little harder, and studied a little longer, maybe you'd be doing something actually meaningful among the elites of society as their equal, but instead you'd be wrapping some fish in newspaper for an old lady who's only buying it for her cats while you think about how that's probably gonna be you one day, returning home to twenty cats—which isn't inherently so bad, but its the fact that that would be all you'd amount to instead of actually being important to the world like you'd always thought you were gonna be.
Okay, cut it out for real this time. Your life isn't over yet. And Rayne is still waiting for an answer.
"I don't remember ever asking for your opinion." Hopefully you sounded as annoyed as you felt.
"Opinions don't need permission to exist." He responded in his monotonous voice.
This guy. You couldn't help but roll your eyes at his statement. Of course he had to be cheeky. He always kinda was with you.
"Is there a reason you're interrupting my studying?" You asked aggressively because you didn't have any comeback for what he previously said.
There was a moment of silence, not like he was thinking of what to say, but thinking if he should say it.
"If you'd prefer silence, I can leave." He answered. Well, that was his answer, not actually a real answer. You weren't about to pry though, everyone has private library business.
"Yes, could you, please?" You hoped sounding annoyed would make him leave and never come back, not only back to the library but also just your life. Who were you kidding, though? Ever since you two enrolled in the entrance exam you were at each other's necks for coins and top scores. He was probably one of the biggest parts of your life, and you didn't want to accept it.
Rayne didn't react initially. He didn't move and he didn't speak, and from the weight of his gaze on your back you could tell his eyes didn't flicker away from you either.
Eventually you did hear him move, turning and heading for the door, but just as he grabbed the handle he paused. "Library closes in twenty minutes." He said over his shoulder, tone neutral as ever. Only, it sounds a little exasperated, like he expected you to still be here when the lights went out. After that the door shut behind him and he was gone.
"I know that." You grimaced. Was that all he came here for? To tell you the library was gonna close soon like you didn't know it was? It was almost as if he was trying to mock you. Part of you kind of wished he was, then you'd have a real reason to hate him, but you knew Rayne was kind at heart. There was no justification for the way you felt about him. It wasn't his fault he was more talented than you were, he wasn't the reason you weren't Divine Visionary. You were. Blaming him just made it easier to deal with the disappointment.
After he left you realized you were out of your studying trance, and now your thoughts were louder than you wanted them to be. You tried writing down some more notes but your hand wouldn't move, you couldn't think of anything to write. What good was studying anymore? What were you even doing this for? You were gonna graduate this year, and then what? Rayne would go on to be a Divine Visionary and you'd be... not where you thought you'd end up after graduating.
Suddenly being respected and looked up to by your peers wasn't as fulfilling as it seemed just a couple months ago. This sucked. Why did it seem to be that you only ever thought about Rayne, and how you were jealous of him?
Ugh. This is stupid. Midterms were coming up and you'd only studied for four hours today, way less than your usual six. You'd recently been spending longer training, you got a bit caught up beating up your classmates in duels. Not your fault it was a good way to let out your anger, or at least, a short-lived but effective solution.
Before you even knew it the lights went out on you, and you heard the click of the lock from the library door. It was officially closed. They weren't even gonna check if anyone was inside? It didn't really surprise you, they'd never cared enough to check before.
Now it was just you in the dark with your notes and books surrounding you, messily spread about the table. You really didn't wanna clean up. You wished you could just teleport your bed here and collapse onto it. Well, you could, but you also didn't really want to be caught sleeping in the library.
You waited a while before the sound of the lock clicking again caught your attention and you sat up straiter to turn around in your chair. There in the dark, stood Rayne in the doorway as the light of magic faded from his wand from the spell he'd just casted to open the lock.
"You're still here." He stated, his voice cutting through the quiet.
"You came back." You tried to retort as you glared at him before turning back to your notebook, staring at it again. With the way the lights had been out for a while, you knew Rayne could deduce that you hadn't actually been studying, you can't read or write in the dark. You knew he knew you had just been sitting in silence, and that was, frankly, kind of humiliating.
You heard Rayne walk up to you, and you couldn't help but dread him more as he got closer. He eventually reached you, standing right next to where you were sitting.
"Library's closed." He stated simply as if that explained why he was here.
"Gee, thanks. Hadn't noticed." You lashed back, making sure you sounded way more sarcastic than you needed to be.
Rayne didn't respond to that comment. What he did instead was set down a cup. A cup of tea, you deduced, from the smell. What the hell was this? Some kind of peace offering? There was no offering that could make you feel at peace with the way things turned out. Screw this cup of tea. Screw him.
"You looked like you needed this." He said bluntly. You didn't know whether to be offended, or touched.
"Are you serious?" You asked as you looked up at him.
Rayne blinked as he looked down at you. His expression didn't waver aside from the slight crease between his brows.
"Tea is serious." His voice was as flat as ever. "It's chamomile. For... whatever this is." Ah. So he was referring to the probably crazy eye bags and mopey demeanor.
You just looked away, back at your notebook that you were now realizing had descended into a bit of nonsense.
Pickled owl dust. Add water. Pour over cat before my lunch.
What the hell did any of that even mean? God, you really were losing it.
"I feel a lot better knowing its obvious I look worn out." You really couldn't feel more dejected.
Rayne exhaled through his nose, clearly tired of your attitude. "Again with the sarcasm?" He pushed the tea cup a little closer to you. Even if Rayne was, in a way, the bane of your existence, you like how he stuck around even when you were difficult. You didn't want to admit it but it was really comforting. "Drink it." He all but commanded. "Or don't." He followed up. "But when you pass out from exhaustion, I'm not carrying you back to your dorm."
You sent a glaring side-eye his way. "Never asked you to." You tried to respond defiantly.
Rayne took a second to respond, progressively getting filled up. "Fine." He said, and by his tone you could tell he really had had enough of you. You averted your eyes from him and weren't gonna say anything, but then you witnessed his arm reach around you to place something else on your desk. When his hand moved to reveal what he'd just put down you saw... a bunny charm? What was with these peace offerings?
"Because you look so miserable." He answered your question without you even speaking a word. Man, you really must've looked like shit.
At this point even you didn't have the energy to be sarcastic. He had to have been the last person on Earth you wanted seeing you like this. Even when he'd already deduced you were in bad shape, you still pitifully tried to pretend like you were completely fine. Still, the keychain was kinda cute. A lop eared bunny. Those were always cuter.
"Cool. Can you leave now? For good this time." It was barely a question, and more of an assertion that you didn't want him here anymore. You didn't want him to witness more of your misery than he already had.
He was silent for a moment, staring at you with a faint, scrutinizing gaze you were't entirely sure how to interpret. Then he sighed almost inaudibly.
"Don't stay here all night." Oh god. What is he, concerned? It's not like him to be considerate of others. Or maybe he was and this was just how he did it because he was, well, Rayne. You wished it was pity, so you could yell at him and not have to feel bad about it, but your gut told you this was sincere, somehow.
You started writing once again, glaring down at your paper. When Rayne saw that you were deliberately trying to look busy so he'd take the hint and leave, he did, yet before he moved he made sure to tell you something he thought was important. "I'm serious."
When he was gone your eyes found the rabbit keychain again. You picked it up and looked at it. It was soft and squishy, a nice brown color, too. This was so weird. You pocketed the little keychain before leaning back in your chair and looking up at the ceiling. Why was he acting like a doting boyfriend? You didn't like the idea of Rayne Ames worrying about you. Well, you told yourself you didn't. He'd never been overtly tender, but after knowing him for so long, you could tell this was him caring. It made you feel more guilty for not wanting him around.
Actually, you did but you also didn't. You didn't want him around because all you felt was shame whenever you looked at him. Looking at him was like staring at the future you could've had, but are now slowly letting get away from you. But at the same time, being with Rayne was special. He was no nonsense, and therefore the only person keeping you grounded, the only person in the academy who could really tell when you weren't feeling yourself. He never comforted you—thank god, he was horrible at it—but having him bear witness to the slow deterioration of your will, in reality, was comforting. Just knowing someone knew you were suffering, as much as it humiliated you at the same time, made you feel less alone. And you honestly hoped he would keep being persistent, no matter how many times you'd tell yourself you wished he would go away. Your soul wanted him to stay because you ached for the only person who you couldn't hide this from.
Your eyes looked over to the tea cup that was waiting patiently to be acknowledged. This was him being considerate. You knew that. You still couldn't help but feel guilty, though. If he wasn't him then maybe you wouldn't feel this way, but you just felt all kinds of things. Jealousy, frustration, anger, guilt, but also comfort and warmth, at least, to a small, barely noticeable extent when Rayne was around. You took the tea cup and drank it. It was warm, and sweetened with honey, how you liked it. You almost couldn't believe he remembered. It was way back when you two were just first-years.
"Making potions is kinda just like making tea."
"That's stupid. Tea is Serious."
"Umm, potions are serious too. Instead of just leaf juice, its leaf and everything else juice."
"You are so weird."
"Am not!"
"..."
"So... how do you like your tea?"
"Herbal."
"You look like the type. I like sweet teas! Especially with honey."
You felt gross. Maybe not gross, but, unwell. Like you were hungry but nothing sounded good, or like your stomach was empty but crawling with an anxious feeling that made you feel like you could throw up. You looked at your notebook and it seemed to stare back at you. You didn't want to keep studying but the alternative was to entertain your thoughts further, which was even less appealing.
You hadn't even realized you had stopped writing, but you picked up again and began doing some math homework. It was mundane, and not that difficult but it was enough to keep your mind occupied until you went to sleep.
You weren't new to doing homework until you passed out over your desk, but tonight you felt shittier than you usually did. This time, when the embrace of sleep wrapped you comfortingly in its arms you found yourself truly unable to resist. Your eyes wouldn't listen to you when you told them to stay open, and your head felt heavier than it usually did, and your hand eventually wasn't strong enough to keep writing, and before you knew it your head hit the paper of your notebook and you were out.
Rayne knew you'd still be in the library at this hour, his warning futile. For the third time this night he'd make his way back to the library, pushing the door to enter the library because he'd left it open when he left.
He could see you, still at the table. He walked up to you, and just as he expected, you had ignored what he said and studied until your body gave out. You were slumped over your work, quill still lodged in your hand. The problem you were working on wasn't even finished. Hell, the equation wasn't even finished, evidenced by the way the letters abruptly trailed off messily, a mark after your hand gave up writing. Rayne then looked to you and that was when he noticed you were drooling onto your paper. He sighed as he took in the sight before him. You did the one thing I told you not to do.
You were out cold. Rayne tried to shake you awake but you didn't budge, your eyelids didn't even twitch. He leaned in a little closer, gaze lingering on and around your face. The moon light that seeped through the window casted on your face, illuminating it just a bit.
You really are graceful when you're asleep. Minus the drool. Rayne thought. You were really different when you were off your guard, a lot more vulnerable. Before Rayne could stare for too long he stood straight again, thinking about what he was gonna do about your situation.
"I can't believe you're gonna make me do this." He grumbled. He didn't actually have to do anything. He could turn, and leave you here, hunched over like some hermit, but sleeping like that would be pretty bad for your neck. You deserved a bed.
Even if you were stubborn and annoying, and used every excuse under the sun to try and make him "live a little," in your own words, Rayne knew you worked harder than 99% of the students in Easton. He knew that better than anyone, and better than anyone, he knew you deserved a break.
But did he really have to be the one to do this?
Just like you, Rayne's mind didn't leave him alone. As he plucked the quill from your hand and capped your ink bottle, he failed to understand why he was doing this. He never did anything that wasn't for himself, or for Finn. So why was he doing this for you? He had that question a lot. The thing he didn't like the most about you was how you made him do all these things.
Correction: you made him feel like he was obligated to do these things. He never asked you to hang around him, and he never asked you to pester him all the time about spells and begging him for a duel, but even through all the glares and petty insults you'd throw at him, your loyalty was what made him stop and think. You always made him stop and think, always made him question himself. You were, frankly, exhausting to be around, and surprisingly it wasn't because you constantly bothered him. It was because you constantly made him ask himself questions he'd never thought of before meeting you.
Why do I care what happens to you? Why am I letting you study with me? Why do I feel good when you're happy? Why do you make me feel this way? Why does it hurt seeing you suffer? He'd been asking those questions for a while. And even now, he still didn't know the answer. He couldn't fathom it, even if he had a suspicion.
Rayne tried not to think too hard as he closed your notebook and put your stuff neatly in your bag. After knowing you for so long, he had memorized how you organized your bag. He didn't remember when he'd learned, he had just known for so long now he didn't really remember when he hadn't.
Was it because you were friends? Rayne didn't even know if he had the right to say that. To everyone else, you two seemed like friends with a healthy rivalry, which in all honesty, is what you were. So why did calling you his friend feel so hard to do? Probably because you were really confusing, and bipolar. One moment you'd be at his neck and hollering about how the duel he won was rigged, and then another, you'd barge into his dorm and invite him to hang out with you and your friends—which he always declined, unless you forcefully dragged him along.
You were his friend when it counted. Whether he liked it or not, you looked out for him, because you knew he was always looking out for everyone else, in his own way. That's why it hurt to know that you were miserable. He didn't think he fully understood why you were sad, in fact, he couldn't fathom why you were so worked up over not being Divine Visionary, it's not like you couldn't try again this year. But you were sad anyway, and even if Rayne didn't get why, he still wanted to be there for you. You were the only person who could make him feel like that.
He slung your bag over his shoulder before gently picking you up, one arm under your knees and the other around your back. You didn't weigh much... you were actually kind of light, like he was holding a really oversized bunny. As he held you up, he was caught off guard with the way your body seemed to react, huddling closer to him like you were instinctively trying to get more comfortable. Great, another question. Why is my heart beating so loudly?
Oh brother. It can't be. He tried to ignore it and just adjusted you in his grip to try and acclimate you to the position, getting optimal comfort.
As Rayne walked through the dorms, he was surprised you never stirred again. You didn't wake up and you didn't yawn. It was like you were in a trance, but it was only sleep. You'd exhausted your body as far as it could go, and you were paying the price for it now. You always did push yourself too far. He wished you'd stop. He wanted to stop feeling guilty, like somehow, this was his fault, and if you'd just be kinder to yourself he could stop feeling that way.
He may have won the title of Divine Visionary against you fair and square, and he was never gonna roll over and let you take the title, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that maybe you wouldn't be this sad if he had just never tried. He knew he shouldn't blame himself, and he knew you didn't blame him either, but even knowing that wasn't gonna make him feel different.
Man, this was dumb. All he had to do was just take you back to your dorm. Thank god he'd memorized the way there, so even on autopilot his legs knew where to take him, for occasions where he spaced out, like now.
It didn't take long to reach your dorm. Rayne pushed the door open and closed it behind him, making his way toward your bed. He pulled the blanket back and laid you down gently before pulling the blanket back over you.
When he pulled back he just stared for a moment. You were so out of it. Rayne wanted to say he couldn't believe it, but he could. You'd worked yourself to the bone, undoubtedly working extra hard because he knew you were running away from your feelings, trying to ignore them. He could relate to that, its one of the few things about himself he could see in you. The only difference was, you ran away from your feelings because you knew how dangerous they were, while he ran away from his because he had no idea what they really were, or how to handle them.
Another thing he admired about you—and also slightly hated—was how in tune with emotions you were. Everyone's except yours, that was. You had a weird ability to tell how someone was feeling, and you always knew how to be there for them. Whether it was a helping hand, or just being a comforting presence, you never let down your peers. He couldn't believe how amazing you were. He didn't get it. How could you just tell? How could you know? And more importantly, why were you so good at handling other people's feelings, but not your own? Talk about not being able to take your own advice. Maybe you were just waiting for someone to do the same for you, like if someone repeated the words of comfort you told everyone else, you'd actually believe them.
It's kinda why he partially felt like he was failing you. You'd helped him in ways he didn't even know he needed, without even realizing it yourself, and he was just here. He was the Divine Visionary, and you made him feel powerless. He wanted to help you, but this was the only way he knew how. Just taking you back to your dorm after you'd passed out from exhaustion.
If he had never met you he'd probably never feel as ugly as this. But if not feeling this way meant never have meeting you, then he'd rather endure the pain of feeling useless. He never thought he'd admit it to himself, but he was glad you were in his life. If it weren't for you, he never would've realized he had so much to protect, he never would've realized life is actually worth living. You made the same city he'd grown up in look more colorful than ever before meeting you, even if he didn't let it on.
When Rayne realized he was staring he had to remind himself he was done with what he came here for. He gave you a final look before turning back and heading out of your dorm.
He'd had better days. Maybe tomorrow he wouldn't be such a let down.