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"They say we are asleep until we fall in love.
And I’m so ready
to wake up now."
-Dave Malloy, Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812
“Why would you say that?”
“Because you’re sensational. But Hector’s a perfectly agreement man, handsome and full of prospect. So Mrs. Robinson will live an entirely pleasant life.”
“What’s wrong with pleasant?”
“Well, I believe your settling for anything less than exceptional would be an extraordinary waste.”
Theo had been wrong.
She would be perfectly content with Hector. Handsome and full of prospects, yes, he certainly was those things, but he was also noble and honorable, fighting for those who couldn’t fight for themselves. He cared about the same things she cared about, wanted the same things too. A happy home, filled with laughter and children. He stood for what was right.
“I’d like to thank my fiancé Lizzy Elmsworth for her support.”
Theo had no clue what he was talking about, didn’t know Hector well enough to make that judgement. Hector put together an entire fundraiser, his fifth annual, in hopes to raise the money required to build a school. Lizzy had no qualms becoming Mrs. Robinson in two weeks time.
Hector was perfect, everything she ever wanted. Her mother adored him, Mabel approved of him. Her friends deemed him wonderful. They couldn’t be more delighted about the match.
And the few times they’ve kissed, innocent as they were, it all felt … easy. Uncomplicated. Being with Hector was simple. Yes, her life would be pleasant, and after everything that happened last year, Lizzy was perfectly content with pleasant.
“Excellent. Can anyone top that?” Hector exclaimed, and you could hear the smile on his face, happiest when he was succeeding - in this case, getting closer to meeting their goal. Lizzy couldn’t be happier for him. He must be abuzz. Hundreds of little children learning their letters and arithmetic because of her fiancé.
“Three-hundred and fifty pounds.”
A shiver ran down her spine. Lizzy turned, glancing over her shoulder. Theo. The Duke was always invited to events like these, according to Nan; though, by Hector’s tone and the shock from the crowd, it was clear no one actually expected his attendance. She joined the applause, clapping at his generous donation while he walked to claim the vase.
It begged the question-
Nan left him, the scandal simply waiting to be uncovered. She's been worried about him, concerned about how he was managing. Lizzy was glad to see him out … except he didn’t seem well. There was something amiss, his usual demeanor distorted. Messy hair. Shirt missing a few buttons. No cravat.
Untamed. Whatever holding him restrained before, completely gone now. Dangerous—
Ridiculous.
Completely ridiculous. He was just Theo. The man who spent nearly an hour speaking to her about King Arthur. That person wasn’t dangerous. He was just a friend.
Lizzy pulled her gaze toward Hector, offering a congratulatory smile before licking her lips and lowering her gaze, expertly dodging Theo’s stare.
Friends. That’s what they were. They cared for one another, on the basis of friendship. He came to the fundraiser to support her, as friends do. She’d been so silly to even consider that perhaps he saw something in her, something that not even her friends have seen. She was so embarrassed, the idea completely ludicrous.
With a sweet smile, she braved to met Theo’s eyes. Her cheeks darkened, her grin broadening. He was handing the vase to Honoria, the crowd lauding his charming generosity.
Three-hundred and fifty pounds. The children will have their school now.
Of course she was happy and grateful that they’ve met their goal, this whole event being about the school, but there was more - a different emotion buried deep inside of her. Like, she could finally let go of this knot in her stomach. She felt lighter. Felt relief. She was glad that he was-… perhaps not okay and well, but that he was here.
Lizzy had supported one of her friend’s choices, Nan’s decision to run, and was glad that in turn she hadn’t wounded another friend too much.
She was happy to see him.
As if reading her thoughts, Theo met her gaze, holding her stare captive as he neared by. He was carrying himself differently too, a tantalizing swagger in every step. By all means he appeared unkempt, a hidden trap hoping to seduce her sympathy and hold her captive. Lizzy wore a polite smile as he walked past her, scandalously close.
Heat. She felt hot.
It radiated from him, assaulting her senses.
A momentary attraction.
He looked like a mess, as if he’d just rolled out of bed and didn’t have a footman to help him dress. Nothing about this should be attractive. In fact, she always thought herself more attracted to fashionable men, put-together men. And yet, Theo evoked the undeniable feeling of desire.
It was fleeting, she told herself. This eerie strange attraction she had for him will pass, as all crushes do.
Hector had dominated their conversation. She’d wanted to say hello at the very least, except Hector spoke about the fundraiser, and their wedding, and even Nan. He always boasted about being a gentlemen in the truest sense of the word, yet he didn’t let her get one word in. All of Theo’s attempts to converse with her thwarted.
He’d been rude.
“There’s been a lot to organize.” She started, commencing what would probably be a long history of making excuses for Hector’s behavior.
Theo only nodded, his gaze far and remote. Her eyes scanned his profile. A dark shadow sat across his jaw, clearly haven’t shaved this morning. Lizzy noticed the line of his throat, skin that was usually covered by a high collar and a cravat tie. Unable to resist, she pushed further, her eyes dipping low. The dip of his neck, his adam’s apple, a hint of his collarbone.
Lizzy chewed down on her lip, schooling her face to remain neutral.
Enough of that.
She wasn't suppose to look at him like that. His wife just left him. He deserved her sympathy, not whatever attraction she was feeling for him. England might view it as the Duchess leaving the Duke, but to Lizzy, it was Nan leaving to search for her happiness.
To Theo, it was Nan leaving forever.
“How’ve you been? If that’s not a ridiculous question.” She tilted her head, sweet encouraging smile on her lips.
Nan had been halfway out the door when Lizzy found her that night. She had felt so awful when she realized Nan was still in love with Guy and she’d destroyed that letter. Lizzy hadn’t had the heart to keep two people in love apart, voicing her support for Nan at the moment.
She didn’t regret it, but she did feel terrible for Theo.
He hasn't quite convinced her that he was okay. ‘Able to breathe,’ he said - but he looked so unlike himself. The Theo who walked beside her searching for the holy grail would be hurt. He had looked so concerned back then, so wounded. And that Theo wouldn’t lie to her, wouldn’t lie to himself.
Numb. Lizzy did lament whatever part she played in making him feel that way. Nan’s happiness had been in the forefront of her mind. She might know nothing about marriage, to quote Nan, but it had been evident that they both would have been unhappy in this union.
It ultimately had been Nan's decision to run away. This separation was for the best, for the both of them.
“My life isn't over, Lizzy."
Her back straightened, his intense eye contact catching her off-guard.
He was so close.
She could see the speckles in his blue eyes, the shape of his lashes, the faintest freckles on his nose.
He leaned in.
Lizzy maintained eye contact, challenging his intentions. Was he flirting with her? Ever since her birthday party, Lizzy pondered tirelessly over what he’d said. Sensational. Extraordinary. And when she had gathered enough courage to confirm the subtext, he'd dismissed her. He'd done the right thing, she told herself. They were friends, and he was married.
“In fact, I think it might just be getting started.”
…and the way he clinked his glass against hers, as if they shared a secret.
Lizzy wasn’t sure what was more maddening: the fact that he'd said those words in his studio completely platonically … or the fact that she'd been right in her suspicion all along, that he did mean what she thought he meant.
They were at the precipice of something dangerous, yet so irresistible.
“What do you want, Theo?"
He was the married man, his attention belonging to anyone else but his wife’s friend. Yet here he was, sending shockwaves through her body with just one look. And if she had any lingering doubts about how he felt, the way he looked at her lips vanished them.
They shouldn’t— she shouldn’t; but there was something so irresistible about the promise.
“Another drink,” he said, devilish glint in his eye, “to begin with.”
She'd only wanted clarity from him, and instead he gave her control - control to put a stop to this, or give in to the seductive proposition.
Their fate was in her hands.
She had been waiting for Theo to return when Hector found her first.
Hector. She had to think about Hector. He’s always been so great. She thought that she would be happy with him, but now she wasn't so sure.
He’s entirely unworthy of you.
And the worst part about it was that she’d believed Theo when he first said it. He had turned her life upside down that day. She nearly rescinded accepting Hector's proposal, all because Theo made her feel something. He lit something inside of her that he had no right to. He made her feel like wishing for a great love story was entirely possible - except he took it back.
Until a few moments ago.
Theo waited weeks after her engagement to finally be honest with her, that he was feeling whatever this was too.
“First time in five years.”
“Hm?” Distractedly, Lizzy turned her gaze toward hector. What was he going on about? He wore a frown deep in his forehead, his movements restless and annoyed. She’s never seen him this way before.
“Just- … perhaps the Duchess has been a good influence. He’s never attended any of my fundraisers before.”
Lizzy turned to gaze at their guests, an idyllic portrait of English politeness and charity. Lawn tennis, crocket, children skipping rope. Theo nowhere in sight. Probably for the best. She was to marry Hector in two weeks time. Her life was going to be pleasant, safe.
She’ll come to love him, she was certain. Besides, who can say they actually married for love? Nan didn’t, despite the fairytale love story the newspapers presented. Theo chose to marry her. Nan had her choice stolen from her, not him.
It didn’t matter if Nan ran away or not. He had no right to come here. No right to confuse her with his words and his presence. Not when she was suppose to be getting married in two weeks - to a man he’d vouched for.
Annoyance bubbled inside her.
She had seen a wounded man inside of him, and she had empathized. The feeling of being left behind all too familiar to her. The self-doubt, the insecurity, the shame - she'd recognized all of those things in him. She’d felt them too, bearing them in silence and obedience.
Compassion took root inside her heart, taking advantage of her emotions and empathy.
She wanted to hate him. She should hate him, for flirting with her when he was married to her friend. For muddling her feelings and making her believe that a love story can still be possible. For making her feel things her fiancé didn’t, and she was certain he never would.
“Hector, why are you hiding during your party?” She asked, spark of annoyance uncharacteristic to her underlying her question. There were plenty of reasons to criticize the Duke for (and Lizzy’s personal list was becoming even longer), but it felt ridiculous to fault him for his generosity. Surely Hector can acknowledge that, Machiavellian as he was.
Though, there was something else, something hidden beneath Hector’s distaste. Something akin to … jealousy.
Theo had gathered an entourage, sure, but that was just the nature of being a Duke attending a simple garden party in the countryside.
“I thought all of this was suppose to be about the school.” She reminded him, and herself. So what if Theo was here? They’ve raised the money. *Raise awareness*, Hector said. And of course, Theo was pulling focus.
Lizzy turned her head, searching for him. His little group were singing his praises, evident by the way he kept shaking his head, as if saying “no, please, it was nothing.”
…what if Hector was right?
What if Theo just came here for attention, and she’d been stupid enough to give it to him, her empathy treated as transactional? The other possibility for him being here—… she didn’t even want to consider it. She’d been naive last year and she refused to be naive again.
“—…perhaps you overestimate me!” Hector snapped, aiming his frustration toward her.
She didn’t have the energy to put up with this, not when Theo was tormenting her by hovering around the party. Lizzy scoffed, gathering her skirts and heading toward the gate.
He didn’t have to say anything. Lizzy felt him. She'd left the party to silence the world behind, to clear her head and gather her thoughts. And he thought it appropriate to follow her.
Irritation grew inside of her.
“What are you doing here?!” She yelled, turning on her heels and facing him.
He had no right. Absolutely none. He shouldn’t have followed her, shouldn’t have shown up here at all. Her entire life she’d always done what she was told to do, what she was supposed to do. Her story did not include a Duke, or a married man, or Theo.
Except him being here was forcing her to confront her feelings — old feelings she’d long buried, dreams of love and romance. And new feelings she never imagined possible.
Her body burned hot.
It was because of him. Who else? Her fiancé wasn’t here, probably sulking somewhere. Theo stood close, his face twisted into a grimace. The absolute gall of this man. She wasn’t going to be used again, just a band-aid to mend whatever wound Nan left behind.
Lizzy pushed his shoulder angrily, his proximity sending her down a spiral. He wasn’t suppose to be here. She was engaged, he was married. He was a Duke, she was an American girl in over her head. The list of reasons why this was a bad idea never-ending.
Where were these feelings last year, when things were simpler and they were free?
Lizzy pummeled her fists against his chest, anger burning her red.
“You know full well.” He said, harshly capturing her wrists. Blue eyes challenging her as Lizzy cowered under his gaze.
Challenging? No.
Begging.
He was opening the door to the unknown, gallantly offering her his hand so she can join him.
As if by a force of nature, she propelled forward, capturing his lips in a kiss that will leave her breathless.
“Hm?”
She laid on her stomach, her raised feet swaying left and right. The bed was a mess, pillows scattered, bedsheets messy and thrown about. Her clothes, the few that made it to his bedroom, discarded and forgotten. For the first time, she felt comfortable in her own nudity, her body bare and unrestrained.
“What made you come here?” He asked gently, resting comfortably against the headrest. One arm was thrown over his head, the other rested in front of her, palm open, allowing Lizzy to trace the lines. He looked so relaxed like this, a lightness rarely seen.
How can she regret her decision if it made him look like that?
Lizzy wore a small smile, averting his gaze. “I don’t know,” she murmured, a blush creeping up her cheeks. It wasn’t entirely a lie, but it also wasn’t entirely the truth. She knew why she came here, knew what this meant to her. Did it mean the same thing to him, that she wondered.
Slowly, she interlaced their fingers together, cradling his hand. He had the smallest of scars near his little finger, she noticed. It was like she had a new set of eyes, able to see him differently.
Before, out there in society, he was the Duke of Tintagel. Someone's husband. Untouchable. Distant. Lonely. But now, here, he was just Theo. Her Theo.
“Something happened … when we kissed,” she murmured with a shy shrug of her shoulders. Lizzy didn’t want to pretend, not with him, and not here. Some may call it lust, feckless passion, betrayal. It had been glorious.
For the first time in her life, the world didn’t exist. The pressure, the expectation, the propriety - none of it mattered. Theo silenced it all, allowed her to just be. Perhaps she was being sentimental and silly and she didn't expect any of this to make sense to anyone else, but she never felt more human.
Dukedoms and titles and marriage, they were all fabrications. But this, her being here with Theo, it was real. As real as the sun shone in the sky and the stars brightened their nights.
She was certain of it.
The bed shuffled. Theo pushed himself off the headrest, leaning toward her. A gentle kiss, and there it was, that sensation she was unable to name. Kissing him came so naturally to her, like they were meant to kiss, two lost souls finally finding one another and unable to let go.
(How can that be, if he was married and she was engaged?)
The kiss ended but Theo remained. “I feel it too,” he whispered, nuzzling her cheek.
It was terrifying how easily he could make her melt into his arms. Stealing a kiss, Lizzy had no resistance. She pushed herself onto her knees, kissing with insatiable hunger crawling onto his lap.
They had no future together, she recognized that. But they had this moment right now, and Lizzy was unwilling to let this pass her by.
Lizzy was choosing to listen to her heart.