Work Text:
[Warden Chamber – Summoning]
The cast appears in a circle of glowing runes.
Emilia: "Why are we here again!? Why is the floor glowing!? Why am I glowing!?"
Beatrice: "The Warden's mana signature is all over the place, I suppose! He's summoning us for something problematic!"
Otto: "More problematic than usual?!"
Ram: "Otto, everything involving you is problematic."
Garfiel: "YEAH, OTTO, YOU WALK PROBLEMS!"
Otto: "WHY AM I GETTING DOUBLE TEAMED!?"
Julius: "Everyone. The Warden is about to reveal the purpose of this summoning."
The Warden steps forward.
Warden:
"You will witness the entire confrontation between Aldebaran and Natsuki Subaru—ending with the first ever recorded use of the unknown magic tier: Ol."
Everyone:
"UNKNOWN WHAT!?"
THE PROJECTION BEGINS
A giant magical screen lights up.
THE SETUP
A ruined street.
Subaru stands across from Al.
He looks like he hasn't slept in five decades.
Breathing hard.
Eyes wet.
Hands shaking.
Al: "Kid… I dunno what the hell's goin' on in your head, but this ain't the answer."
Subaru: "Move."
Al: "If I move, yer gonna do somethin' stupid. If I stay, yer DEFINITELY gonna do somethin' stupid."
Subaru: "Last warning."
Al: "Great. Now we're BOTH threatened. Fantastic."
REACTIONS Emilia:
"Subaru looks… heartbroken…"
Rem:
"Subaru-kun… why are you trembling…?"
Beatrice:
"His mana flow is a disaster! Like someone mixed shadow magic with emotional instability and then dropped it!"
Ram:
"So Subaru."
THE FIGHT BEGINS Al tries to restrain Subaru.
He lunges forward, grabs Subaru's wrist—
Garfiel:
"WRONG MOVE, ONE-ARM!"
Subaru twists like a feral cat slapped with a frying pan.
Subaru: "—Let go!"
He elbows Al in the ribs with all the force of a disgruntled toddler.
Al: "OW—HEY! That actually hurt! HOW!?"
Cast reactions
Felt: "LMAO SUBARU ELBOWED HIM LIKE A STREET RAT."
Reinhard: "His technique is… unorthodox."
Anastasia: "That's a polite way to say it looks like he's fighting off a bee."
Al pushes Subaru back
Al: "Kid, STOP! Yer flailin' like a drunk pigeon!"
Subaru stumbles back, then charges again—
—trips—
—rolls—
—pops up behind Al by accident.
Al: "HOW DID YOU EVEN—!?"
Julius:
"…Is this… strategy?"
Ram:
"This isn't strategy. This is Subaru."
Beatrice:
"Betty cannot decide if it's clever or pathetic, I suppose!"
Subaru swings wildly
Subaru throws a punch.
It misses by a full meter.
Ferris: "Nice punch Subaru-kun~! You almost hit the air!"
Al steps forward—
Subaru panic-kicks him in the shin.
Al: "OW! NOT THE SHIN! DAMMIT, THAT HURTS MORE THAN MAGIC!"
Al finally tries to knock Subaru out
Al: "Sorry, kid—sleep time!"
He raises his hand to chop Subaru's neck—
Subaru steps on a loose rock
slips
flips
and BACK-HEADBUTTS Al in the nose.
CRUNCH.
Everyone:
"OOOOOOOOOH!"
Al: "MY NOSE!? YOU LITTLE—HOW DID YOU EVEN—!?"
Garfiel:
"THE LITTLE SHIT COUNTERED BY ACCIDENT!"
Otto:
"Subaru's entire combat style is just a collection of near-death experiences!"
Subaru grabs Al's collar
Subaru:
"Move. OUT of the way."
Al:
"Kid… yer scarin' me."
Shadow begins leaking from Subaru
Not strong.
Not elegant.
Just unstable, like smoke from a cracked furnace.
Emilia:
"That's… that's shadow magic!"
Beatrice:
"'Unstable' shadow magic, I suppose! The worst kind!"
Subaru tries to cast regular Shamak
Subaru: "Sha—"
Al tackles him before he finishes.
Al: "NO! NO CASTING! BAD SUBARU!"
They roll across the ground like two raccoons fighting over a sandwich.
Felt:
"What is this, a street brawl!?"
Anastasia:
"Pretty high stakes for a raccoon fight…"
Al pins Subaru down
Al: "Kid, LISTEN TO ME!"
Subaru:
"…Let… GO!"
A burst of shadow mana explodes from Subaru like a balloon popping.
Both men are thrown apart.
Cast reaction
Reinhard:
"That… wasn't normal."
Julius:
"That was the magical version of a temper tantrum."
Ram:
"So Subaru."
Subaru stands again — crying now
Subaru:
"…I'm going."
Al:
"Not while I'm still breathin', you're not."
Subaru:
"…Then stop breathing."
Everyone:
"EH!?"
They clash again
Al swings—
Subaru ducks purely out of panic.
Al kicks—
Subaru dodges because he sneezes mid-step.
Al grabs him—
Subaru slips because he stepped on his own coat.
Garfiel:
"HOW IS THIS WORKIN'!? WHAT IS THIS FIGHT!?"
Beatrice:
"It defies logic and insults physics, I suppose!"
The Final Struggle
Al finally catches Subaru's arm and pins him to a wall.
Al:
"Kid. Don't do this. Yer breakin' apart."
Subaru:
"…I know."
He raises his free hand.
Mana crackles.
Something NEW forms.
Something NONE of them have ever seen.
THE UNKNOWN TIER
Subaru:
"――Al."
Everyone watching:
"HERE IT COMES—!"
Subaru's voice cracks.
"――OL Shamak."
BOOOOOOM.
A black tidal wave erupts.
Al has time for ONE line:
Al:
"WHAT THE HELL IS 'O—'"
He vanishes into total nothingness.
THE ROOM FALLS SILENT
The projection ends in darkness.
REACTIONS TO THE OL-TIERBeatrice:
"THAT WAS NOT SHAMAK! THAT WAS NOT ANYTHING! THAT WAS ILLEGAL!"
Emilia:
"Subaru… why would you use something like that…?"
Ram:
"Natsuki Subaru has officially invented magic and used it to delete Al."
Garfiel:
"THE CAPTAIN JUST SEALED AL WITH PATCHED-TOGETHER SHADOW JUICE!"
Ferris:
"That wasn't magic~ That was a cry for help with a mana signature!"
Julius:
"Unknown tier… unprecedented usage… Natsuki Subaru is a menace."
Felt:
"He BANNED Al from existing!"
Priscilla:
"Pathetic. Expected. But pathetic."
Otto:
"I am… so scared… of my best friend."
THE WARDEN
Warden:
"You have now witnessed the full confrontation. You may leave."
Everyone:
"NO NO NO NO WE NEED CONTEXT—"
Warden:
"Denied."
Light engulfs them.
The cast is still screaming.
Emilia: "We need to talk to Subaru RIGHT NOW."
Beatrice: "Betty demands answers! Answers AND cookies, in fact!"
Garfiel: "YEAH! BRING THE BRAT OUT SO I CAN SHAKE EXPLANATIONS OUT OF 'IM!"
Ram: "No violence, Garfiel. We need Subaru conscious for this interrogation."
Ferris: "What interrogation~? Subaru-kun's mana readings look like a crime scene!"
Warden:
"Very well. I shall summon Natsuki Subaru."
Otto: "WAIT NO WE NEED TO PREPARE—"
Warden: "Summoned."
A bright flash blinds everyone.
SUBARU APPEARS
He materializes in the center of the room, blinking rapidly.
Subaru:
"Wha—!? HUH!? Where am I!? Why is everyone looking at me like I owe them money!?"
He sees the faces.
Ram is glaring.
Beatrice is vibrating with anger.
Garfiel looks feral.
Emilia looks heartbroken.
Priscilla looks insulted on principle.
Julius looks like he studied for this moment.
Subaru:
"…Did I forget someone's birthday?"
THE DOGPILE
Instantly:
Everyone:
"WHAT IS 'OL'!?"
Subaru flinches so hard he almost dislocates something.
Subaru:
"Ol…? Like… oil? What?"
Garfiel:
"DON'T PLAY DUMB, YOU LITTLE MAGIC GRENADE!"
Beatrice:
"You invented a NEW MAGIC TIER without permission, I suppose! THAT IS A FELONY!"
Subaru:
"I WHAT!?"
Emilia steps forward, trembling
Emilia:
"Subaru… we saw you fight Al. And you… you used something called… 'Ol Shamak.'"
Subaru:
"…I WHAT!?"
Subaru:
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT!"
Julius approaches like a disappointed math teacher
Julius:
"Natsuki Subaru. Explain.
How did you… a non-mage… create a new tier of spell classification that violates the foundations of mana theory?"
Subaru:
"I DID WHAT!?"
Reinhard, sincerely concerned
Reinhard:
"Subaru… are you aware you temporarily erased Aldebaran from the physical plane?"
Subaru:
"ERASED!? I ERASED SOMEONE!? I CAN'T EVEN ERASE STAINS ON MY SHIRT!"
Felt jumps in
Felt:
"You banned Al from existence!"
Subaru:
"I WHAT!?"
Subaru looks around wildly
Subaru:
"GUYS I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG SUBARU—
I don't KNOW any forbidden magic!
I barely know how to COUNT my mana!"
Beatrice:
"Yes! Which is why THIS is WORSE, I suppose!
You created new magic WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING!"
THE CAST CLOSES IN
Garfiel cracks his knuckles.
Garfiel:
"Tell us EXACTLY what happened, or I'll shake it outta ya like a bag o' coins!"
Subaru:
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THAT'S THE PROBLEM!"
The Accusations BeginEmilia:
"Subaru… you were crying and shaking and you used an unknown magic tier…"
Subaru:
"I cry and shake all the time! That doesn't mean I create MAGIC!"
Ram:
"Natsuki Subaru, do you often produce catastrophic magical events out of emotional breakdowns?"
Subaru:
"…That is…
I mean—
Technically—
Look, it's complicated—"
Ram:
"So yes."
Anastasia:
"Sweetie, did ya accidentally reinvent sorcery during a panic attack?"
Subaru:
"I REINVENT NOTHING DURING PANIC ATTACKS!
I just scream and sometimes collapse!"
Ferris:
"But you DID collapse someone else~!"
Subaru:
"NOT HELPING!"
The "Lecture Circle" Formes
Everyone surrounds Subaru.
Subaru spins nervously like a Roomba with anxiety.
Subaru:
"Someone please tell me what 'Ol' is because I genuinely think you're all messing with me."
Beatrice (lecturing tone)
Beatrice:
"'Ol' is an unknown spell tier.
Above basic magic.
Above advanced magic.
Above any classification Betty recognizes.
You created it out of emotional chaos AND shadow mana, I suppose!"
Subaru:
"WHAT!?
NO!?
YOU CAN'T JUST ACCIDENTALLY INVENT MAGIC!
THERE HAS TO BE A RULEBOOK!"
Ram:
"You broke the rulebook."
Subaru:
"I DIDN'T EVEN READ THE RULEBOOK!"
They show Subaru the projection
The Warden replays the final moments of the fight.
Al's face.
Subaru's tear-filled glare.
The raised hand.
And then—
"――OL Shamak."
BOOOOOM.
Al goes poof.
Everyone looks at Subaru.
Subaru looks at the projection.
Subaru slowly raises a hand.
Subaru:
"…THAT'S NOT ME."
Everyone:
"YES IT IS!"
Subaru, panicking at maximum
Subaru:
"I—I don't KNOW what I did!
I don't even REMEMBER learning anything called 'Ol'!
Why would I make a new spell!?
My brain is a potato!
I can't even name PETS properly!"
Emilia kneels, holding his shoulders
Emilia:
"Subaru… please just tell us…
If you needed help, why didn't you say anything…?"
Subaru (tearing up):
"I DIDN'T—
I COULDN'T—
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I NEEDED HELP WITH!"
The room falls silent
Everyone realizes one thing:
Subaru didn't create Ol-tier magic on purpose.
He did it by accident.
During a breakdown.
With no training.
No knowledge.
No awareness.
He is literally the magical equivalent of a toddler who found a nuclear switch.
Beatrice whispers the final line
Beatrice:
"…He is a danger… even to himself, I suppose."
Subaru:
"I AGREE WITH THAT!"
The warden snaps his fingers.
Beatrice floats forward with a grim, serious expression.
Beatrice: "Move aside, I suppose! This cocoon reeks of an unstable mana lattice—clearly beyond Subaru's actual ability, in fact!"
Roswaal (smiling like a man about to commit a war crime):
"Oooh. That makes it all the more interesting, don't you thiiiiink?"
Ram: "Please do not explode the room, Roswaal-sama."
Emilia: "Beatrice… do it gently, okay?"
Beatrice: "No promises, I suppose."
The entire room collectively winces.
THE DISP—
BOOOOOOOOOM.
A shockwave of shadow and raw mana blasts outward like a mini-volcano.
Everyone gets launched backward:
Roswaal smacks into the ceiling.
Julius flips over a table.
Emilia crashes directly into Subaru.
Ram stays rooted but looks pissed about it.
And from the exploding shadow—
—AL SHOOTS OUT LIKE A SCREAMING BOTTLE ROCKET.
Al: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—"
He hits the far wall, slides down, and flops onto the floor in a heap.
The man looks like:
He aged ten years
He fought for his soul
He lost
And then someone punted him through a wall for good measure
He's trembling like a chihuahua in a hurricane.
THE CAST SWARMS :
"Al! Are you okay!? Can you hear me!? Blink twice if you haven't lost your soul!"
Al (voice cracking):
"M–my soul's fine… my dignity, though—Subaru drop-kicked that into orbit—"
Julius:
"What in the world did Natsuki Subaru do to you? How does one man seal another in a spell tier that DOESN'T EXIST?"
Ram (kicking him lightly):
"Speak, barbarian. Explain your disgrace."
Al:
"Stop kicking me while I have PTSD!"
Reinhard kneels down, gentle but horrified:
"Al… I have fought authorities and calamities.
But that spell—
that spell was not mortal.
Are you certain Subaru cast it?"
Al:
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING! Subaru nuked me with magic he shouldn't even be able to SPELL—let alone CAST!"
THE CROWD PIVOTS TOWARD SUBARU.
Subaru, who had been silently trying to hide behind Emilia, freezes.
Rem steps forward.
Her voice trembles.
Rem: "Barusu… was that really something you did?"
Subaru: "I DON'T KNOW?! I PANICKED! HE WAS TRYING TO STOP ME AND—AND MAGIC HAPPENED BACK!"
Entire room:
"MAGIC HAPPENED BACK!?"
AL CLAMPS ONTO SUBARU'S JACKET.
He shakes Subaru like a vending machine.
Al:
"BRO. BRO. LOOK ME IN THE EYE.
You hit me with something called OL Shamak.
There's no Ol-tier!
Magic goes: Low Middle High Great Extreme That's it!"
He points at him with his shaking hand.
Al:
"You invented magic OUT OF SPITE."
Reinhard (genuinely frightened):
"Subaru… did your emotions produce a new tier of witchcraft?"
Subaru: "NO! If I could invent magic, I'd make one that summons snacks, not PTSD!"
Al: "YOU SUMMONED MY PTSD!"
Roswaal, eyes gleaming like a researcher discovering an alien:
"Oh… this is fascinatiiiing.
Shall we… test him?"
Everyone but Subaru:
"Yes."
Subaru:
"No— WAIT— STOP— PLEASE—"
SUBARU IS IMMEDIATELY DRAGGED TO A MAGIC EXAMINATION TABLE.
He's slammed onto a glowing circle, tied down with mana restraints.
Subaru: "Wh—WHY IS THIS NECESSARY!?"
Beatrice: "Because you apparently invented a spell tier accidentally, I suppose!"
Julius: "Hold still. If your emotions warp mana that violently, we must determine how."
Emilia:
"I'm really sorry Subaru… but also very scared."
Subaru:
"WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT!?"
THE MAGICAL ANALYSIS BEGINS.
Beatrice presses a crystal to his forehead.
It immediately turns pitch black.
Beatrice: "…oh."
Subaru (sweating): "W-what does 'oh' mean?"
Beatrice: "It means 'oh'."
Roswaal:
"That is the shade witches used in their experiments~."
The entire room gasps.
AL (from behind, still limping):
"So what you're saying is—
Subaru hit me with a spell so shady it doesn't have a tier,
and then he locked me in a darkness coma."
He throws his arms up.
Al: "Great! Fantastic! Wonderful! Who's next, huh? Who wants a taste!?"
SUBARU SCREAMS.
"STOP ACTING LIKE I'M SOME MAGICALLY-UNHINGED GRENADE!
THE SPELL JUST— CAME OUT— BECAUSE YOU WERE PINNING ME DOWN—"
Everyone stares.
Ram: "So this was your fight-or-flight response?"
Subaru: "YES!"
Al: "Your fight-or-flight casts OL-TIER SPELLS!?"
Subaru:
"I'm SORRY my panic invented MAGIC TECH SUPPORT FOR THE WITCH OF ENVY—!"
The room falls into stunned silence.
Reinhard:
"…We may need a containment protocol."
Subaru:
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?"
Al:
"It means you're grounded."
Subaru:
"I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING ON PURPOSE!"
Subaru is still strapped to the glowing examination circle—
arms, legs, and dignity bound by mana restraints.
The mages gather around like surgeons ready to dissect a magical anomaly.
THE EXAM BEGINS… AGAIN
Beatrice adjusts the mana crystal on Subaru's forehead.
Beatrice:
"Hmph. The crystal turning pitch-black only means Subaru's mana is extremely unstable, I suppose."
Subaru:
"EXTREMELY unstable!? Why can't it be creatively expressive instead!?"
Roswaal (smirking):
"Oh don't worry, Subaru-kun.
If it were any more expressive, it would qualify as interpretive magic."
Subaru:
"That doesn't help!"
Reinhard kneels beside him with gentle concern that somehow makes it worse.
Reinhard:
"If something unexpected occurs, I will protect everyone. Including you, Subaru."
Subaru:
"Don't say that like I'm an active volcano!"
Al (post-trauma shivering):
"You ARE an active volcano! A volcano with depression and shadow magic!"
The circle flares.
A ring of purple light surrounds Subaru.
Everyone steps back.
Julius:
"Ah. His mana's spiking. Something is reacting."
Subaru:
"CAN WE STOP WHEN THINGS ARE 'REACTING'? REACTING IS BAD!"
A second ring appears. Then a third.
Emilia:
"Um… Beatrice? Does magic normally stack like that?"
Beatrice (deep concern):
"Absolutely not, I suppose!"
The room vibrates.
The restraints tighten.
Subaru begins levitating off the table.
His eyes glow faint purple.
Subaru:
"OH NO OH NO OH NO IT'S HAPPENING I CAN FEEL SOMETHING—"
Ram:
"Barusu, stop feeling things."
Subaru:
"THAT'S NOT HOW EMOTIONS WORK—!"
A MASSIVE MANA SURGE EXPLODES FROM HIM.
The crystal on his forehead shatters like cheap glass.
Magic symbols begin forming in the air—
twisting circles like a spell is desperate to be born.
Roswaal (terrified yet fascinated):
"Ohooo… oh my… oh noo…"
Julius:
"He is forming a spell… spontaneously! With no chant!"
Reinhard:
"A chantless spell of this magnitude… is that possible!?"
Al (screaming):
"OH GOD HE'S COOKING ANOTHER ONE RUN!"
SUBARU BEGINS CHANTING SOMETHING.
…Except he doesn't realize he's chanting.
Words pour out of his mouth like someone else is speaking through him.
Subaru (voice layered and echoing):
"――Ol Fura."
Everyone:
"WHAT!?"
Emilia:
"That's… that's Fura-tier… but Ol-tier…!?"
Beatrice:
"Impossible—impossible! Fura is blast-type wind magic, I suppose!
There IS no Ol-tier! HOW ARE YOU ADDING TIERS!?"
Subaru:
"I'M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!"
THE SPELL FIRES.
A wind explosion forms—
dense, spiraling, unstable, and way too big.
It detonates like a compressed hurricane.
BOOOOOOOOOOM—!
Everyone is thrown across the examination hall AGAIN:
Roswaal smacks into another wall (he is now horizontal).
Ram slides across the floor, glaring the whole time.
Julius ricochets off a bookshelf like a pinball.
Al rolls under a table and screams like a dying bird.
Beatrice is tossed but floats angrily.
Emilia lands on a mattress that no one remembers being there.
When the dust settles…
A giant crater exists in the floor where Subaru used to be.
Subaru himself is suspended in the air, upside down, spinning slowly like a malfunctioning ceiling fan.
Subaru:
"I… hate… magic…"
Everyone stares.
A long, horrified silence.
Finally—
Al (pointing dramatically):
"THAT'S IT!
NUKE HIM!
HE'S NOT NORMAL!
HE'S A WALKING WITCH-HAZARD!"
Subaru:
"HOW AM I IN TROUBLE FOR BEING BAD AT MAGIC!?"
Beatrice (shaking):
"No. This isn't bad magic. This is categorically impossible magic, I suppose!"
Julius:
"Subaru…
Did you invent an entire spell tier system…
AGAIN?"
Subaru:
"STOP SAYING 'INVENT.'
I CAN'T EVEN INVENT A GOOD LUNCH!"
Roswaal floats up, eyes shining.
"Subaru-kun.
This must be what lies beyond Extreme-tier.
A primordial tier.
Something ancient.
Something unrecorded."
He leans in, grinning.
Roswaal:
"A spell tier that does. Not. Exist.
Until now."
He whispers dramatically:
"――Ol-tier."
THE ROOM ERUPTS.
Everyone:
"STOP SAYING OL-TIER LIKE IT'S NORMAL!"
Subaru:
"I'VE MADE PEACE WITH DEATH BEFORE BUT MAGIC EXAMS ARE WORSE—"
(rising insanity, comedy terror at maximum output)
The examination room is STILL smoking from Ol Fura, Subaru is STILL dangling upside-down like laundry, and the cast is STILL collectively rethinking their lives.
Subaru's hair is sticking up like he was electrocuted by a tornado.
Subaru:
"Can we please stop testing me before I accidentally generate OL APOCALYPSE!?"
Beatrice (dead serious):
"That is now a statistical possibility, I suppose."
But the mages are NOT done.
Beatrice, Roswaal, Julius, and even Emilia regroup with the determination of people who saw God and said, "More, please."
Julius:
"We must continue. For science."
Subaru:
"For what!?"
Roswaal:
"For fiiiiinding the limits of your accidental wizardry, Subaru-kun~."
Subaru:
"I HAVE limits! I HAVE SO MANY LIMITS!"
Ram:
"Not anymore. Barusu has evolved."
Al:
"He didn't evolve—he GLITCHED."
The Circle Begins to Glow Again
Subaru's floating body jerks and twitches like someone's hitting "randomize character physics" on him.
Subaru:
"I CAN FEEL SOMETHING BAD! STOP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING!"
Beatrice:
"I'm not doing anything, in fact."
Subaru:
"THAT MAKES IT WORSE!"
The mana around him warps.
A MASSIVE shadow ripple bursts across the room.
Books fall. Lamps explode. Ram's hairpin vibrates.
Emilia:
"Oh no oh no oh no I recognize this feeling—Subaru don't explode—"
SUBARU'S BODY STARTS TO CHANT.
(again… against his will)
A dark echo pours out of him.
Subaru (double-layered voice):
"――Ol Minya."
The room freezes.
silence.
Then—
EVERYONE SCREAMS.
Julius:
"MINYA IS A PRECISION-BEAM LIGHT SPELL—NOT SHADOW—WHAT IS OL MINYA!?"
Beatrice:
"It SHOULDN'T EXIST, I suppose!"
Roswaal:
"Oh-ho-ho-ho—Subaru-kun, you are INVEEEENTING again~!"
Subaru:
"CAN YOU STOP CALLING IT INVENTING WHEN I'M LITERALLY SCARED OUT OF MY SOUL!?"
Al:
"EVERYBODY GET BEHIND SOMETHING SOLID—WAIT NO NOTHING IS SOLID ENOUGH—"
THE THIRD OL-TIER SPELL FIRES.
A massive, shadow-colored beam erupts from Subaru's chest like a cursed laser cannon.
It tears across the room:
Vaporizes a table
Cuts a chandelier in half
Incinerates Roswaal's left shoe
Shaves off exactly 1 strand of Reinhard's hair
Reinhard (touching his hair, horrified):
"…That has never happened before."
Everyone stares at him like he just said his immortality broke.
Al:
"These spells can hurt REINHARD!?
NO. NO THANK YOU. NO MORE. KILL THE WARDEN. END THE EXAM. UNPLUG SUBARU!"
Subaru (still floating helplessly):
"I—I didn't mean to aim it at the chandelier!
I don't even LIKE chandeliers!"
Ram:
"Quiet. You almost cut the world's strongest man."
Subaru:
"I DIDN'T AIM! THE SPELL AIMED ITSELF!"
The beam keeps firing.
(IT DOES NOT STOP.)
The purple-black laser sweeps across the ceiling like a magical Roomba of destruction.
Julius:
"WHY DOES IT HAVE A SWEEPING FUNCTION!?"
Beatrice:
"It's adapting to maintain maximum coverage—LIKE A CURSED SPOTLIGHT, I SUPPOSE!"
Subaru:
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!"
Reinhard finally steps in.
He gently grabs Subaru mid-spin and points him upward like a malfunctioning hose.
Reinhard:
"There. Continue firing toward the sky."
Subaru:
"STOP TALKING LIKE I'M A WEAPON!"
Al:
"YOU ARE A WEAPON!"
THE BEAM FINALLY ENDS.
Subaru drops like a sack of potatoes.
He's smoking. Again.
He groans.
Subaru:
"If I cast one more spell I'm going to start charging people for fireworks shows."
THE ROOM IS DESTROYED.
Half the walls are gone.
The ceiling is a mosaic of charred holes.
There's a perfect cutout of Roswaal's missing shoe on the floor.
Everyone stares at Subaru like he's a live grenade.
Beatrice (quietly):
"…Three Ol-tier spells. Shamak, Fura, Minya. All without training. All without intent."
Julius:
"He has achieved in an hour what takes archmages generations."
Roswaal:
"My, my, Subaaaru-kun…
Are you sure you were born human?"
The room gets very, VERY quiet.
Subaru gulps.
Subaru:
"…Can we just pretend none of this happened?"
Everyone:
"NO."
The examination room is barely standing.
Half the ceiling is missing.
Someone's shoe is still smoking.
Subaru is lying face-down on the floor like a crashed magical satellite.
Everyone is silently staring at him.
He twitches.
The cast collectively flinches.
THE MAGES HUDDLE
Beatrice (whispering urgently):
"This is worse than I thought, in fact."
Julius:
"If he continues at this rate, he'll create an entire magical discipline before lunch."
Roswaal:
"Ooooh but isn't that exciting~? A walking, talking magical anomaly!"
Al:
"He's not an anomaly—he's a DEMO VERSION OF THE APOCALYPSE."
Emilia (panic whispering):
"Should we… tie him down more?"
Subaru (voice muffled on the floor):
"Please don't tie me down more…"
THE MANA CIRCLE REACTS AGAIN
The glowing circle beneath Subaru flickers back to life—
like an appliance turning on by itself.
Beatrice:
"Wait—no one touched the circle, I suppose!"
Julius:
"The mana is responding to Subaru without his input!"
Al:
"EVERYBODY TAKE COVER—THE DLC MAGIC PACK IS LOADING AGAIN—"
The mana circle starts spinning.
Subaru floats up.
Again.
He looks exhausted.
Again.
He is glowing.
Again.
Subaru:
"Please… I beg you… someone clinically stop me…"
HE STARTS CHANTING. UNWILLINGLY. AGAIN.
The room goes silent.
A deep, echoing voice ripples out of Subaru—
this one far deeper, far older-sounding than before.
Subaru (layered, unnatural voice):
"――Ol… Geyser."
THE ENTIRE ROOM ERUPTS IN SCREAMS.
Emilia:
"GEYSER!? That's WATER MAGIC!?"
Beatrice:
"It SHOULDN'T BE POSSIBLE—Ol-tier doesn't EXIST, let alone OL WATER!"
Ram:
"The pea-brained fool is now inventing hydrological disasters."
Julius:
"How can one person generate three different elements in a nonexistent tier!?"
Roswaal:
"Oh-ho-ho-ho this is even better than I hoped~!"
Al:
"I hate ALL OF YOU! THIS IS NOT GOOD!"
THE SPELL ACTIVATES.
The floor cracks.
A deep rumbling shakes the room.
Beatrice slaps her staff to the ground.
Beatrice:
"EVERYONE BRACE YOURSELVES, I SUPPOSE!"
A crack of glowing purple shoots upward—
AND A GIANT COLUMN OF WATER EXPLODES OUT OF SUBARU.
Not normal water.
OL-tier water.
Pitch-black.
Glowing.
Spinning like a demonic hydrant.
It blasts upward through the roof.
SSSSSSSSHHHHHWOOOOOOSHHHH—!
Half the mansion floods instantly.
Reinhard reflexively jumps forward and shields three people at once.
Reinhard:
"The water is… burning!? How!?"
Al (treading water, screaming):
"HOW DOES WATER BURN!? HOW DOES WATER BURN—SUBARU WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
Subaru (flailing inside the geyser like laundry in a washing machine):
"I DON'T KNOW! I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING! THE MAGIC IS BULLYING ME!"
THE GEYSER SUMMONS SOMETHING.
The water begins swirling into a vortex.
A dark silhouette forms inside.
Everyone stares, horrified.
Ram:
"Barusu has summoned a creature."
Emilia:
"Subaru… you summoned a thing with water magic…?"
Julius:
"No—he summoned something through the magic.
This is a dimensional call!"
Beatrice:
"THAT'S EVEN WORSE, I SUPPOSE!"
THE CREATURE EMERGES.
From the Ol-tier vortex crawls out—
A small, shadowy…
wet…
angry-looking…
cat.
A drenched, dripping, hostile shadow cat.
It meows aggressively.
Meow (evil echo):
"Vrrrow."
The room goes dead silent.
Everyone reacts.
Emilia (eyes sparkling):
"Awwwwwwwwww!"
Beatrice (horrified):
"That is NOT adorable! That is a mana lifeform from the Shadow Layer!"
Julius:
"It's made of pure Ol-tier mana…!"
Ram:
"It's a demon kitten."
Al:
"It's MY new sleep paralysis demon!"
Reinhard:
"…Should I kill it?"
Subaru (still stuck in the geyser):
"PLEASE DON'T KILL MY CAT!"
THE CAT SPEAKS.
The shadow cat looks directly at Subaru.
Its eyes glow purple.
It opens its mouth…
Shadow Cat:
"…Father."
Entire room:
"WHAT!?"
Subaru:
"EXCUSE ME!?"
Ram:
"Barusu, explain."
Subaru:
"I CAN'T EXPLAIN SOMETHING I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO BIRTH!"
The geyser collapses suddenly.
Subaru falls from the air and lands face-down in a puddle.
The shadow cat trots onto his back, sits like a loaf of bread, and begins purring ominously—like a demonic motorcycle.
Emilia:
"…It really thinks Subaru is its papa…"
Beatrice:
"This is unholy on at least fourteen magical levels, I suppose."
Julius:
"A summoned creature from a nonexistent tier…
This is history."
Roswaal:
"It seems Subaru-kun is not only a magical anomaly…
But now a magical parent~."
Subaru lifts his face from the water.
Subaru:
"…I don't want to be a father to a shadow demon cat…"
The cat sits heavier on his back.
Shadow Cat:
"Fatherrrrr."
Subaru:
"PLEASE HELP ME."
The barrier room was already one incident away from becoming a historical disaster site.
Subaru had just—against every law of magic—accidentally cast FOUR OL-tier spells.
Everyone was pale.
Everyone was sweating.
Everyone was questioning whether reality was actually worth preserving.
And then—
【The Shadow Cat Moves】
Puck stared at Subaru.
Subaru stared at Puck.
The Shadow Cat stared at BOTH of them like a smug, eldritch raccoon who had discovered fire.
Beatrice squinted.
"Hold up, I suppose."
The shadowy creature tilted its head…
Licked its paw…
And then raised that paw dramatically like a stage actor preparing to monologue.
A dense, terrifying pressure flooded the room.
Reinhard actually took a step back.
Roswaal: "Ahaaa… noooononono… hehe… everyone, please stand back~. That thing is about to do something unforgivable."
Emilia: "W–Wait, is it… trying to copy Subaru?"
Subaru: "NO. BAD CAT. DO NOT COPY ME. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING."
The Shadow Cat's tail flicked.
Its eyes glowed.
Its mouth opened—
"Ooooool—"
Beatrice's pupils shrank to dots.
Beatrice: "OH YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, I SUPPOSE!"
OL FLASHFREEZE
A shockwave exploded from the cat like a silent scream.
In an instant—
The floors frosted over
The walls turned into black-ice obsidian
Roswaal's smile froze in place (literally)
Ram slipped, caught Rem, and Rem slipped too
Reinhard froze only because he thought it'd be polite
Emilia shrieked: "W–This is MY THING!"
Subaru fell flat on his back with a CRUNCH, yelling:
"WHY DOES EVERYTHING I TOUCH LEARN BLACK MAGIC?!"
Puck stared in absolute betrayal.
Puck: "HEY. LITTLE ME. EXPLAIN. RIGHT NOW."
The Shadow Cat meowed.
A perfectly innocent, adorable meow.
And then it raised its tail again.
"Ooooool—"
Beatrice screamed directly into Subaru's ear:
"WHY DOES IT KNOW THE PREFIX?!"
OL HYPER-GRAVITY
The second spell hit.
Everyone slammed into the floor like they'd been pancaked by a giant, invisible toddler.
Emilia was flattened like a fallen snow fairy
Ram managed to insult Subaru WHILE being compressed
Roswaal wheezed
Al (still shaking from the OL Shamak earlier):
"I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN. I CAN'T. I'M NOT MADE FOR THIS WORLD."
Reinhard stayed upright but only because physics gave up on him
Subaru, face smashed into the newly ice-coated floor, croaked:
"B–Betty… does this mean the cat's stronger than me now…?"
Beatrice, also pancake-shaped:
"IT WAS ALWAYS STRONGER, I SUPPOSE! BUT NOW IT'S ALSO COMPLETELY INSANE!"
The Shadow Cat blinked innocently
…then began drawing a new spell circle.
A third OL tier spell.
Roswaal wailed:
"STOP IT! STOP IT! WE CAN'T KEEP INVENTING MAGICAL CATASTROPHES TODAY!"
Puck loses it
Puck zipped into the air (as much as gravity would allow), fur puffed up like a marshmallow in panic.
Puck: "HEY! MINI-ME! CUT IT OUT! YOU CAN'T JUST STEAL—NO—EVOLVE MAGIC WITHOUT ASKING!"
The Cat tilted its head
And pointed at Subaru.
Subaru screamed.
Everyone screamed.
Subaru: "NO! DON'T IMITATE ME! I'M A BAD INFLUENCE!"
Ram wheezed from the floor:
"Spoken… like the truest words you've ever uttered."
The Shadow Cat finishes the chant
A third spell circle ignited.
OL-tier mana surged.
The room shook.
Reality groaned like it was calling HR.
Everyone braced for annihilation.
And then—
The Shadow Cat suddenly sneezed.
PFF—!
The spell detonated harmlessly into a puff of shadow glitter.
Silence.
Everyone stared.
Subaru sobbed into the floor:
"Thank… God…"
Beatrice panted:
"This is the worst day of my very long life… I suppose…"
Roswaal twitched.
Reinhard gently asked:
"Subaru… is there any chance… ANY chance… that you understand what's happening?"
Subaru:
"DO I LOOK LIKE I UNDERSTAND ANYTHING, REINHARD?!"
The Shadow Cat meowed proudly.
And immediately started charging up a FOURTH spell.
The exam chamber was STILL iced over, STILL under hyper-gravity, and STILL emotionally unstable.
Everyone was plastered to the ground, groaning.
Subaru, face down:
"Somebody… anybody… revoke my magic license…"
Beatrice:
"You never HAD one, I suppose!"
Puck hovered like a furious snowball.
Puck: "Mini-me, STOP. No more spells. No more weird magic. No more—"
But the Shadow Cat was already raising its tail again.
A new OL-tier spell circle materialized.
This one was green.
Green was new.
Green was BAD.
Roswaal's voice cracked:
"I–I don't recogniiiize this one, nyaaa…!"
Reinhard puts a hand on his sword, preparing for ANYTHING.
Al was whispering prayers from at least three religions.
The Shadow Cat opens its mouth:
"Oooooool—Ars Pendragoniiiii…!"
Beatrice shrieked.
"THAT ISN'T EVEN A REAL SPELL NAME!"
Subaru screamed:
"STOP MAKING UP LATIN. PLEASE."
A massive wind pressure blasted outward.
Mana surged.
Space rippled.
Reality whimpered.
And then the OL spell collapsed into a messy, chaotic vortex of green light.
Reinhard:
"…Someone is coming."
A figure falls from the vortex—
Feet first.
Upside down.
Screaming.
Shaula:
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!—Huh? Where's the tower?!"
She crashed directly into Reinhard's back.
Reinhard didn't move.
Shaula bounced off him like she hit the world's softest brick wall.
Shaula popped upright, dusted herself off, and grinned like a gremlin who just got teleported into Disneyland.
Shaula:
"HEYYYYY MASTER!"
Everyone went silent.
Subaru went paler than a dead ghost's laundry.
Subaru: "NO. Oh God, no—Shaula?! Why are YOU here?!"
Shaula sprinted and tackled him.
Shaula: "MASTER SUBARUUUUU! OHHHHH I MISSED YOU AND YOUR PUNY HUMAN SMELL!"
Subaru got squeezed like a stress ball:
"I DIDN'T SUMMON YOU! THE CAT SUMMONED YOU! BLAME THE CAT!"
Shaula gasped and looked at the Shadow Cat.
The Shadow Cat meowed.
Shaula clasped her cheeks, sparkling:
"AWWWWWW, it's like a tiny adorable MASTER 2.0!"
Puck's eye twitched.
Ram muttered:
"Gods have mercy. There are now two of them."
The Cat begins charging ANOTHER spell.
Everyone screamed simultaneously.
Emilia:
"No! No more portals! We can't handle whoever comes next!"
Beatrice:
"Subaru, control your magic pet, I beseech you, I suppose!"
Shaula gasped:
"OH! Are you summoning the rest of the tower? COOL!"
Subaru, genuinely crying:
"STOP. PRAISING. THE CAT."
Al hiding behind Rem:
"You people LIVE LIKE THIS?!"
Puck finally snaps
He floats up to the Shadow Cat, trembling with pure dad-rage.
Puck:
"LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE CHAOS-GOBLIN VERSION OF ME—"
The Shadow Cat stares.
Puck stares back.
The cat's tail twitches.
Mana crackles.
Beatrice yells:
"PUCK! DON'T STARE AT IT DIRECTLY!"
Puck:
"…Why?"
The Shadow Cat suddenly forms another OL spell circle.
Everyone:
"NOOOOOOOOOOO—!"
But Shaula interrupts
Shaula barrels forward—
"CAT-CHAN! DO YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS?!"
—and tackles the Shadow Cat into a hug so aggressive it cancels the spell.
The circle pops like a bubble.
Everyone collapses in relief.
Subaru:
"…Shaula… you might have just saved the world."
Shaula winks:
"Teehee! Happens a lot!~"
The Shadow Cat mews indignantly but settles in Shaula's arms like a furry, eldritch burrito.
Everyone, in exhausted unison:
"NO MORE OL-SPELLS TODAY."
The Shadow Cat raises one paw.
Beatrice screams:
"PUT THAT DOWN THIS INSTANT, I SUPPOSE!"
The exam chamber was already:
Frozen
Cracked
Mana-poisoned
Echoing with Shaula's excited shrieking
One OL-spell away from becoming a crater
Subaru was still being crushed by Shaula in a hug that felt like a python made of pure hyperactivity.
Beatrice sat on the floor clutching her head.
Beatrice:
"Subaru, the cat must be STOPPED. Preferably with force, I suppose!"
The Shadow Cat, entirely unbothered, wiggled out of Shaula's arms, trotted to the center of the room…
…and raised its tail.
Again.
Subaru screamed instantly:
"NO. STOP. NOT AGAIN. BAD CAT. SIT. STAY. ROLL OVER. DIE. ANYTHING."
Puck's voice cracked from stress:
"I swear on every spirit contract I've ever made—if you cast ONE MORE SPELL—"
But the spell circle was already forming.
And this time…
…the circle was black.
Not purple.
Not shadow.
Not void.
BLACK.
The kind of black that eats light.
That makes space distort.
That makes everyone's heartbeat sound like a funeral drum.
Ram swallowed.
Ram: "Great. This color again."
Reinhard knelt instinctively.
Beatrice turned white as chalk.
Beatrice:
"OH NO. THAT'S NOT AN OL SPELL. THAT'S—THAT'S SOMETHING FAR WORSE—"
Subaru:
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WORSE THAN OL?!"
Al just screamed into his helmet.
Shaula leaned in curiously.
Shaula: "Ooooh, is someone cool coming?!"
The Shadow Cat opened its mouth.
Mana coiled.
The whole room shook.
And then—
"—Ol…Invocātiō Sa—"
The entire cast shrieked:
"DON'T FINISH THAT SPELL!"
Too late.
The vortex cracked open like a void egg splitting.
A single hand emerged first—
White.
Delicate.
Clawed by shadow.
Then another.
Then the silhouette of a woman pulled herself through the tear, hair flowing like an underwater galaxy, face hidden in shifting darkness.
The temperature plummeted.
Reality bent.
Every candle in the mansion went out.
Subaru felt his soul fall out of his body.
There was only one person this could be.
The Witch of Envy.
SATELLA APPEARS
She drifted there silently, feet not touching the ground.
Like a dream someone regretted having.
Everyone froze.
Puck froze.
Beatrice froze.
Reinhard actually looked alarmed for once.
Even the Shadow Cat took a step back.
Satella's voice, soft and distorted like a whisper through water, filled the chamber.
"—Subaru."
Subaru instantly:
"I DIDN'T DO THIS! I SWEAR! IT WAS THE CAT! THE CAT DID IT!"
Shaula waved enthusiastically:
"HI LADY GHOST! NICE AURA! 10/10!"
Everyone else:
"SHAULA NOOOOOOO—"
But Satella didn't respond to anyone else.
She drifted directly toward Subaru, ignoring:
Reinhard's sword light
Ram's raging insults
Roswaal melting into a puddle
Beatrice chanting ten layers of defense spells
Puck screaming,
"SUBARU GET BEHIND ME RIGHT NOW—WAIT NO I'M TOO SMALL—"
Satella stopped one inch from Subaru.
Her shadowed face tilted.
Her voice softened further.
"…Why… are you summoning me…?"
Subaru yelped:
"I'M NOT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. PLEASE PUT ME DOWN."
Shaula hugged Subaru protectively.
Shaula: "Don't worry Master, if she attacks you I'll—"
Reinhard and Beatrice simultaneously:
"DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE."
Satella's silhouette turned toward the Shadow Cat.
And for the first time…
…the Cat looked nervous.
Satella reached toward it like someone picking up a delicate creature.
The Shadow Cat let out a tiny, trembling meow.
Satella whispered:
"…You… are not from here…"
Subaru screamed:
"NO ONE KNOWS WHERE IT'S FROM! IT JUST SHOWED UP! IT DOESN'T EVEN PAY RENT!"
Satella's head turned in a haunting, slow motion.
"…I will… protect it."
Everyone:
"WHAT?!"
The Shadow Cat beamed.
Shaula squealed:
"AWWWW! NEW FAMILY MEMBER!"
Beatrice fainted.
Puck's eye twitched so violently it created wind.
Subaru collapsed:
"NO. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. STOP ADOPTING THINGS."
Satella lifted the Shadow Cat gently—
And the vortex behind her began widening.
Something ELSE was coming.
Ram shrieked:
"NO MORE GUESTS. CLOSE THE PORTAL. CLOSE IT NOW."
Reinhard:
"Subaru…? Any idea what's next?"
Subaru:
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S NOW."
The vortex crackled.
Wind howled.
Satella's aura flared—
And something massive stepped forward.
The vortex behind Satella kept expanding—
Crackling, roaring, pulling in mana like a starving black hole.
Everyone braced for absolute catastrophe.
Ram:
"If it's another Witch, I'm quitting this world."
Subaru:
"Please let it be something normal… like a dragon… or a meteor… or death…"
Shaula bounced up and down:
"Something COOL is coming, Master!"
The light inside the portal shifted.
White.
Pure white.
Warm, gentle, soft—utterly alien to the chaos of the room.
Beatrice squinted.
Reinhard slowly lowered his sword, eyes widening.
This light wasn't hostile.
It wasn't destructive.
It felt… peaceful.
Safe.
Even Satella paused.
The Shadow Cat tilted its head.
And then—
A figure stepped through.
Clothed in white.
Calmly radiant.
A presence that made the OL-tier disaster room feel like spring.
He looked around, eyebrows raised in mild, patient confusion.
"Peace be with you."
Everyone freezes
Emilia's mouth fell open.
Beatrice dropped the mana barrier she was forming.
Puck whispered:
"…Subaru. What did your cat summon?"
Reinhard stared, stunned silent—which had never happened before.
Ram muttered:
"That… that light… it's purer than anything I've ever felt…"
Al, shaking:
"The heck—why does he FEEL like Reinhard but… calmer?!"
Shaula waved happily:
"HI NICE MAN! YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS?!"
Subaru, horrified:
"I CAN'T HANDLE THIS LEVEL OF RESPONSIBILITY."
The man in white approaches
He didn't float.
He didn't glow excessively.
He just walked with impossible serenity.
He looked at Satella—not with fear, but compassion.
He looked at the Shadow Cat—and smiled gently.
Then he looked at Subaru.
"You seem troubled."
Subaru immediately burst into tears:
"BECAUSE EVERYTHING KEEPS CASTING MAGIC AND BREAKING REALITY!"
The man nodded kindly.
"Then let there be calm."
A wave of peace falls over the room
The ice thawed
The gravity normalized
The vortex behind him closed
Satella's shadows softened
The Shadow Cat stopped charging spells
Everyone stopped screaming for the first time in hours
Beatrice whispered:
"…W-what kind of mana is this…?"
Puck, trembling:
"This… this isn't spirit magic. It isn't witchcraft. It isn't authority. I don't know WHAT it is."
Reinhard knelt instinctively:
"Your presence is… divine."
Shaula:
"WOW! COOL! CAN YOU TEACH ME?!"
Subaru collapsed to his knees:
"Thank you. THANK YOU. PLEASE NEVER LEAVE."
Satella, softly:
"…You are… strange."
He smiled at her gently.
"Everyone has a place in the light."
Satella froze, unsure how to react for the first time in history.
The Shadow Cat meows loudly
Everyone flinched.
Shaula:
"NO! CAT-CHAN, DON'T! DON'T CAST ANYTHING!"
The man in white just crouched down, stroking the Shadow Cat.
The cat purred.
Actual purring.
A miracle.
Subaru stared:
"WHY CAN HE CALM IT DOWN BUT NOT ME?!"
Puck whispered:
"…Because he's not you."
The man in white stands and speaks:
"I came because someone called with a genuine cry for help."
Everyone points at Subaru.
Subaru:
"I DIDN'T CALL ANYONE! IT WAS THE CAT!"
The man chuckles gently.
"Even so… you clearly needed it."
Subaru sniffles:
"…Yeah."
He gives Subaru one piece of advice
He places a hand gently on Subaru's shoulder.
"Your path is heavy.
But you do not walk alone.
Remember that."
Subaru bursts into fresh tears.
Shaula tries to hug them both.
Ram tries not to look moved.
Even Satella's shadow trembles slightly.
He turns to leave
"Peace go with you all."
A soft light envelopes him—
and he steps back through the closed vortex
as if it opens just for him.
The chamber goes silent.
Everyone exhales at once.
Subaru:
"…I'm never letting the cat cast ANYTHING again."
The Shadow Cat immediately raises its paw.
Everyone:
"NOOOOOOOOOO—!"
Jesus had barely stepped back through the glowing rift before the room fell into an exhausted silence.
Subaru collapsed onto the floor.
Emilia wiped her eyes.
Reinhard still looked awe-struck.
Beatrice was mumbling:
"I need… a nap spanning several centuries, I suppose…"
The Shadow Cat blinked.
Then raised its tail again.
Everyone screamed in one unified, terrified voice:
"NOOOOOOOOOOO—!"
The Circle Turns Black and Purple
This was NOT peaceful.
This was NOT serene.
This was NOT "everything will be okay."
This OL-tier spell was:
jagged
unstable
angry
Puck:
"That… that is the worst color yet."
Beatrice:
"STOP. STOP IT. STOP SUMMONING PEOPLE, I SUPPOSE!"
Subaru grabbed the Cat's tail:
"NO MORE STRANGERS! NO MORE DEMON LORDS! NO MORE—"
The vortex exploded.
A figure stepped out.
*Black jacket.
Black mist.
Eyes full of madness.
Smile too wide.*
Pride Subaru.
The "If" world version of Subaru who embraced Pride, shadow, and overwhelming arrogance.
He stepped into the room like someone entering his own stage.
His shadow tendrils curled behind him like smug serpents.
He looked around the room—
—then locked eyes with standard Subaru.
And smiled.
Pride Subaru:
"Well, well, well. What a pathetic timeline I've wandered into."
Standard Subaru:
"NO. Nope. Absolutely NOT. Send him BACK."
Pandemonium erupts instantly
Ram:
"There are two of them now?! Kill me."
Al:
"WHY IS IT ALWAYS SUBARU-SHAPED THREATS?!"
Shaula sparkles:
"MASTER?! But evil?! COOL!"
Reinhard draws his sword… and the blade flickers.
Reinhard:
"…His existence… resists my protection authority?"
Pride Subaru smirks.
"Of course it does. I don't need your protection.
I protect myself."
Pride Subaru approaches Normal Subaru
Subaru stumbles back.
Beatrice jumps in front of him:
"Back, shadow-brat! I won't allow you to touch my—my—my subcontractor, I suppose!"
Pride Subaru laughs.
"Oh Betty. Even here, you defend him?
How loyal.
How tragically loyal."
He reaches out a hand—
A tendril of black mana whips toward Normal Subaru—
Emilia freezes the tendril just in time.
Emilia:
"Stay away from Subaru."
Pride Subaru's smile widens unnaturally.
"So the half-elf plays guardian.
Adorable."
The Shadow Cat trots over to Pride Subaru
Everyone gasps.
Puck yells:
"NO! BAD MINI-ME! GET AWAY FROM THE EVIL SUBARU!"
But the Shadow Cat…
…sits in front of Pride Subaru…
…and purrs.
Pride Subaru kneels smoothly, stroking it.
Pride Subaru:
"Ah. A creature of pure shadow.
You understand me."
The Cat meows.
Then begins forming ANOTHER spell circle.
Subaru screams:
"WHY DOES IT LISTEN TO HIM BETTER THAN ME?!"
Pride Subaru smirks:
"Because I'm what you could be."
Reinhard steps forward
"State your name."
Pride Subaru turns, amused.
"Natsuki Subaru."
Reinhard:
"…That complicates things."
Pride Subaru tilts his head.
"Do you intend to stop me?"
Reinhard grips his sword tighter.
"If you threaten this Subaru, yes."
Pride Subaru laughs softly, like a wolf in a lamb pasture.
"Reinhard van Astrea…
Even I wouldn't challenge you without a plan."
He snaps his fingers.
Shadow flares.
The Shadow Cat's spell circle merges with his shadow.
Beatrice shrieks:
"THE CAT IS AMPLIFYING HIS AUTHORITY, I SUPPOSE!"
Normal Subaru yells:
"STOP BEING ME BUT BETTER!"
Pride Subaru:
"Impossible."
The spell completes
A vortex of shadow forms.
But instead of summoning…
…something appears behind Pride Subaru.
Two black arms.
Four.
Eight.
A towering abomination of shadow rises behind him, shaped vaguely like—
—Subaru.
A giant, monstrous, shadow copy.
With glowing purple eyes.
Beatrice gasps:
"That… that's an OL-tier Authority manifestation—that shouldn't EXIST, I suppose!"
Reinhard raises his sword.
Puck charges an ice storm.
Shaula cheers:
"AWESOME!"
Normal Subaru collapses:
"PLEASE. SOMEONE. END THIS ARC."
Pride Subaru turns to the shadow monster.
And commands:
"Kneel."
It kneels.
He smiles.
Pride Subaru:
"Now then… let's have a little fun."
(The portal is collapsing, everyone is panicking, Shaula is screaming, the Shadow Cat is meowing Ol-tier syllables, Al is having his third breakdown today.)
[Scene Start]
The portal ripples again.
A pale hand reaches through — delicate, elegant, and absolutely manicured.
EMILIA:
"Another Subaru…? Is this a normal thing for him?!"
NORMAL SUBARU:
"NO. NO. NO, IT IS NOT A NORMAL THING FOR ME!"
PRIDE SUBARU (still being held at swordpoint by Reinhard):
"Well, speak for yourself."
THE HAND GRABS THE EDGE OF REALITY
A sultry voice seeps through:
LUST IF SUBARU (from beyond the veil):
"Sweetlings… did someone open a door without inviting me~?"
BEATRICE:
"Close it! CLOSE IT! Close it before reality gets handsy, I suppose!"
REINHARD:
"What manner of Subaru is this one…?"
PRIDE SUBARU:
"Oh, you'll know. You'll definitely know."
THE PORTAL STRETCHES OPEN
The dimensional curtain strains as the third Subaru presses his face against it — adorably, sparkling, and deadly.
He looks like Subaru, but dialed to 'dangerously charismatic'.
Eyes half-lidded…
Smile like he knows your birthday and all your insecurities…
Aura like he could seduce an archbishop for fun.
LUST IF SUBARU:
"Let me in~ Come on. I can feel the longing on your side…"
SHADOW CAT:
"Ol~… nya… Ol-lolo~…!"
BEATRICE:
"DON'T 'OL-LOLO' AT HIM, I SUPPOSE!"
HE TRIES TO SQUEEZE THROUGH
The portal bulges like a balloon trying not to pop.
JULIUS:
"That barrier can't hold! Someone restrain him!"
NORMAL SUBARU (terrified):
"Why is he hotter than me!? WHY IS THERE A SEXIER ME!?"
LUST IF SUBARU:
"Flattery will get you everywhere~"
EMILIA:
"WAAAH! Subaru, he sounds like he's flirting with… with EVERYONE!"
REINHARD:
"His mere voice raised the ambient mana concentration. That's concerning."
PRIDE SUBARU:
"Hah. Amateur. He hasn't even weaponized eye contact yet."
SHOCKINGLY, SOMEONE REACTS THE WORST
AL (still half-panicked from being sealed earlier):
"NOT ANOTHER ONE! NO MORE SUBARUS! I CAN'T DO THREE SUBARUS! I CAN'T—"
LUST IF SUBARU (purring):
"Al… you sound stressed. Let me help you relax—"
AL:
"SHUT THE PORTAL!"
PORTAL STARTS TO RIP OPEN
Shaula (recently summoned):
"MASTER! That one is giving me weird feelings! I don't like it! Or maybe I do! AHHH I DON'T KNOW!"
BEATRICE:
"Subaru, DO SOMETHING, I suppose!"
NORMAL SUBARU:
"What do you want me to do!? Seduce myself back into the void!?"
LUST IF SUBARU:
"Oh, I wouldn't mind a little mutual seduction—"
EVERYONE:
"NO!"
BEATRICE PANICS AND CASTS A SPELL
BEATRICE:
"OL—DON'T-YOU-DARE-COME-THROUGH!"
A burst of uncontrolled Ol-tier mana blasts the portal like a magical flyswatter.
The portal spasms—
Lust Subaru gets smacked back.
LUST IF SUBARU (echoing as he's shoved away):
"I'll remember this slight, sweetlings~!"
WHUMP.
The portal slams shut.
Silence.
The residual air smells vaguely like perfume and danger.
EVERYONE JUST STARES
EMILIA:
"…Subaru… why does your magic keep summoning versions of you who are… um… intense?"
NORMAL SUBARU:
"I DON'T KNOW, OKAY!?"
AL:
"I need a vacation. FAR from any Subaru."
PRIDE SUBARU:
"Only one more left until we complete the set."
EVERYONE:
"THERE'S MORE!?"
PRIDE SUBARU (smirking):
"Wouldn't you like to know."
The Ol-tier portal — previously used for summoning Shaula, Jesus (briefly), Pride Subaru, and Lust IF Subaru — is trembling again.
Like it's trying to hold back something immensely powerful…
…and also extremely irritated.
A gavel bangs from inside the void.
NORMAL SUBARU:
"OH COME ON—WHO ELSE IS IN THERE!?"
PRIDE SUBARU (arms crossed):
"Oh, this one. You're all doomed."
REINHARD:
"Is this one dangerous?"
PRIDE SUBARU:
"He weaponized bureaucracy."
AL:
"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?"
THE PORTAL RIPS OPEN
A silhouette steps through.
Tall.
Straight-backed.
Dark uniform.
Glasses flashing ominously.
Carrying an immense clipboard made of some metallic, burning-blue substance.
And behind him…
Mountains of paperwork begin materializing like a tidal wave.
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"—ORDER. ORDER. ORDER IN THE MULTIVERSE."
EVERYONE:
"SUBARU!?"
NORMAL SUBARU:
"That is NOT me! That is never gonna be me! NO WAY I end up in a… a suit!"
PRESIDENT SUBARU TAKES A SINGLE STEP
The earth cracks.
A bureaucratic shockwave ripples outward.
A giant magic sigil appears under everyone's feet:
"Form 37-C: MULTIDIMENSIONAL INCIDENT REPORT — FAILURE TO PROPERLY MANAGE SELF."
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"All versions of Natsuki Subaru present…
You are hereby charged with reckless dimensional trespassing."
PRIDE SUBARU:
"HA! You have no jurisdiction—"
A SECOND CLIPBOARD APPEARS AND SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE.
PRIDE SUBARU:
"GHHH—okay ow he DOES have jurisdiction—"
THE BUREAUCRATIC AURA
Everyone feels it.
A crushing, soul-draining, mind-numbing pressure.
The kind of aura you get when someone tells you:
"You didn't fill out the bottom half of the form."
EMILIA (sweating):
"H-he's scarier than the Sin Archbishops…!"
BEATRICE:
"What kind of horrible world creates THIS, I suppose!?"
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"A world where the only monster…
was inefficiency."
AL TRIES TO RUN
AL:
"Nope. No. Screw this. I survived being SHAMAK'D by one Subaru but I ain't dying to paperwork—"
The clipboard teleports in front of him.
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"You forgot to date page three."
AL:
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH—"
He collapses.
Instant KO.
SHAULA HIDES BEHIND NORMAL SUBARU
SHAULA:
"MASTER! I don't like him! He looks like he'd make me fill out employee evaluations!"
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"Shaula Ignition Sparkle…
Your attendance record is abysmal."
SHAULA:
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?"
THE PORTAL OPENS WIDER
More forms spill out.
More stamps.
More binders.
JULIUS:
"How much power does a clipboard have…?"
PRIDE SUBARU (clutching his face):
"He created laws so oppressive even Typhon cried."
PRESIDENT SUBARU APPROACHES NORMAL SUBARU
He towers over him.
Clipboard raised.
Ink glowing like a divine punishment.
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"Natsuki Subaru of World 436-A…
Why…
Did you cast four unregistered Ol-tier spells?"
NORMAL SUBARU:
"I— I didn't mean to!? I don't even know how!"
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"I see.
Then this will require…"
He flips 200 pages in 0.3 seconds.
Everyone screams.
"…AN AUDIT."
NORMAL SUBARU:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
AND THEN—
The portal behind President Subaru ripples again.
Someone — or something — else is trying to come through.
PRIDE SUBARU:
"…Oh. Oh, this is bad."
BEATRICE:
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'OH THIS IS BAD,' I SUPPOSE!?"
PRIDE SUBARU:
"That's the one even President Subaru couldn't stop."
EMILIA:
"W-who is it!?"
PRIDE SUBARU:
"The final Subaru."
Everyone stares.
He whispers:
"…Chaos Administrator Subaru."
(a.k.a. "THE RE:ZERO CIVIL WAR NO ONE ASKED FOR")
Chaos Level: EXISTENTIAL HR NIGHTMARE
Paperwork, pride, lust, bureaucracy, and glitches forming alliances.
THE FOUR SUBARUS FORM THEIR FACTIONS
The courtyard splits with power, paperwork, pheromones, and glitch static.
Everyone else is frozen in shock as the Subarus take… dramatically stupid stances.
1. NORMAL SUBARU — "THE PLEASE-STOP-THIS-FACTION"
Subaru grabs a random stick from the ground and holds it like a staff.
NORMAL SUBARU:
"Okay—EVERYONE! LISTEN!
I'm forming a faction of people who want LESS chaos, FEWER evil versions of me, and ZERO interdimensional audits!"
Silence.
Then—
AL (hand raised):
"Sign me up. I'm done. I'm absolutely done."
EMILIA (worried):
"I'll join too! Subaru needs support!"
BEATRICE:
"You're a complete disaster, but you're my disaster, I suppose… Count me in."
Normal Subaru cries.
Instant morale boost: 200.
2. PRIDE SUBARU — "THE SUPREMACY OF SUBARU Faction"
Pride Subaru snaps his fingers and manifests a burning throne made of other Subarus' regrets.
He sits.
PRIDE SUBARU:
"My faction shall include ONLY those who acknowledge my overwhelming superiority.
Those who kneel shall be spared."
JULIUS (in horror):
"You cannot be serious—"
PRIDE SUBARU:
"I accept your oath."
JULIUS:
"WHAT OATH!? I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!"
REINHARD:
"…Better join him than fight him."
JULIUS:
"REINHARD—NO—!"
PRIDE SUBARU:
"I welcome you both. Julius, your unwillingness pleases me."
3. LUST IF SUBARU — "THE LOVE & CHAOS UNION"
The portal ripples as Lust Subaru steps forward.
Rose petals fall.
The air gets… warmer.
LUST IF SUBARU:
"My dear innocents…
Join me, and I shall give you a world without paperwork, laws, or stress.
Just… indulgence."
Many blush.
Some swoon.
Someone faints.
CRUSCH (blushing):
"That… aura… is dangerous…"
ANASTASIA:
"Is he even legal?"
LUST IF SUBARU:
"In every dimension."
Shaula sprints to him.
SHAULA:
"MASTER 3! TAKE ME!"
LUST IF SUBARU:
"Of course, sparkles~"
4. PRESIDENT SUBARU — "THE ORDER AND EFFICIENCY PARTY"
Thunder.
A desk the size of a house forms behind him.
Filing cabinets grow from the earth like metal trees.
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"Those who seek a world of structure, discipline, and properly-filed Ol-tier registrations…
Follow me."
A chill runs through the courtyard.
ANASTASIA:
"Well… uh… organization is important…"
CRUSCH:
"It would be irresponsible to ignore someone capable of this much… structure."
VILLAGERS:
"We're tired of dying! Organization sounds nice!"
They join in droves.
AND THEN—THE PORTAL RIPS AGAIN
Reality shakes.
Mana trembles.
Everyone looks up.
PRIDE SUBARU:
"He's coming."
PRESIDENT SUBARU (grim):
"He cannot be allowed to form a faction."
LUST SUBARU (pouting):
"He ruins my aesthetic…"
NORMAL SUBARU:
"Who!? WHO IS IT THIS TIME!?"
The portal fully tears open like a wound in space.
Glitch static pours out.
A single boot steps through—
Purple electricity crackles over a long coat stitched together from broken timelines.
Eyes like error messages.
CHAOS ADMINISTRATOR SUBARU.
CHAOS SUBARU ARRIVES
CHAOS SUBARU (voice echoing in layers):
"Factions?
Cute."
His presence shatters three filing cabinets and knocks Reinhard back five feet.
PRIDE SUBARU (tense):
"You… abomination."
CHAOS SUBARU:
"I prefer 'patch note.'"
He raises a hand—
Reality flickers like a lagging game.
CHAOS SUBARU HAS HIS OWN FACTION
He gestures.
Nine glitching silhouettes appear behind him — warped figures wearing broken Subaru faces like masks.
CHAOS SUBARU:
"I come with a proposal.
My faction will be known as…"
The world distorts around his voice.
"…ERROR HANDLERS."
EVERYONE PANICS
NORMAL SUBARU:
"NO MORE FACTIONS!
NO MORE SUBARUS!
I WANT A REFUND ON MY EXISTENCE!"
EMILIA:
"Wh—what do we do!?"
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"We must form alliances."
PRIDE SUBARU:
"Or wipe out the weak."
LUST SUBARU:
"Or… merge factions~?"
EVERYONE:
"NO."
CHAOS SUBARU:
"Begin the war."
He snaps his fingers—
THE WORLD SHATTERS INTO FOUR FLOATING BATTLEFIELDS.
Chaos Level: THE MULTIVERSE WANTS TO UNINSTALL ITSELF
[Scene: The World Has Split Into FOUR Battlefields]
Each battlefield is floating like an island in the void.
Lightning, glitch static, and bureaucratic paperwork swirl between them.
The factions stand assembled, each behind their leader:
FACTION 1 — NORMAL SUBARU'S "PLEASE STOP" ALLIANCE
Forces:
Emilia (healer/support)
Beatrice (defensive nukes)
Al (fear-powered yelling)
Ram (begrudgingly)
Petra and the children (moral support, snacks)
Otto (the strategist who regrets everything)
Theme:
"Please stop fighting, please stop exploding, please stop existing in multiples."
Uniform:
They don't have one. Subaru forgot to plan it.
FACTION 2 — PRIDE SUBARU'S "SUPREMACY OF SUBARU" DOMINION
Forces:
Julius (forced)
Reinhard (also forced)
Wilhelm (accidentally forced)
Anyone Pride Subaru convinced using brain-hacking charisma
Theme:
"Subaru is God. Especially this Subaru."
Uniform:
Dark cloaks. Dramatic shoulder pads. WAY too many capes.
FACTION 3 — LUST IF SUBARU'S "LOVE & CHAOS UNION"
Forces:
Shaula (screaming)
Felix (trying to leave but the aura won't let him)
Crusch (blushing and confused)
A bunch of enchanted admirers
The Shadow Cat (who is meowing Ol-tier syllables again)
Theme:
Seduction sparkles emotional destruction.
Uniform:
Shiny. Too shiny. So shiny the light physically bends away.
FACTION 4 — PRESIDENT SUBARU'S "ORDER & EFFICIENCY PARTY"
Forces:
Anastasia (Vice-President)
Crusch Camp HR Department
Two hundred paperwork golems
Villagers who like not dying
A literal army of filing cabinets
Theme:
The power of paperwork and fear.
Uniform:
Business suits and dead eyes.
FACTION 5 — CHAOS ADMINISTRATOR SUBARU'S "ERROR HANDLERS"
Forces:
Nine glitching timeline-spawned Subarus
A shadow whale made of broken save points
Error messages given physical form
The Void Itself (begrudgingly)
Theme:
Glitch. Delete. Patch. Break. Repeat.
Uniform:
Reality-distorting hoodies.
[The Battle Begins]
A giant magical scoreboard appears:
"SUBARU WAR — ROUND 1"
PRESIDENT SUBARU (BOOMING VOICE):
"BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME BY SECTION 49B OF THE MULTIDIMENSIONAL ACT—
I DECLARE THIS CONFLICT REGULATED!"
He slams his gavel.
A shockwave of bureaucratic force ripples outward, forming 12 dozen glowing rules in the sky.
RULE #1: NO FLYING WITHOUT A PERMIT.
RULE #2: NO MAGIC ABOVE CATEGORY B WITHOUT FORMS 183–A AND 183–B.
RULE #3: NO UNSANCTIONED LOVING GAZES DURING BATTLE.
LUST IF SUBARU:
"Oh that is SO targeted."
PRIDE SUBARU STRIKES FIRST
He leaps into the air.
His cape billows like it has a personal wind spell.
PRIDE SUBARU:
"BEHOLD!
THE FIRST STRIKE OF PERFECTION!"
He sends a shockwave of pure arrogance across the battlefield.
Reinhard follows because he has no choice.
REINHARD (dead inside):
"Yes. Glory. Whatever."
CHAOS SUBARU COUNTERS
He flicks his fingers.
Reality stutters like a lagging video game.
GLITCH SUBARU #3:
"404: Reinhard Not Found."
REINHARD:
"…I feel personally attacked."
He vanishes for two seconds.
NORMAL SUBARU AND HIS ALLIANCE
Normal Subaru screams:
NORMAL SUBARU:
"EVERYONE SPREAD OUT AND DON'T DIE!
OTTO, WHAT'S THE PLAN!?"
OTTO:
"I DON'T KNOW!
I WASN'T TRAINED FOR MULTIVERSAL SUBARU WARS!"
AL:
"WHY ARE THERE STILL MORE SUBARUS? CAN SOMEONE PATCH REALITY?!"
BEATRICE:
"At this point we should just reboot the universe, in fact!"
LUST IF SUBARU'S TURN
He kisses his hand and blows sparkling mist across the battlefield.
Everyone who breathes it in:
Blushes
Loses 5% sanity
Becomes 30% more vulnerable to seduction
Crusch's entire camp collapses.
CRUSCH (dizzy):
"I… I feel… compromised…"
FELIX:
"I wanna go home nyaaa… but my legs won't move––!"
PRESIDENT SUBARU'S COUNTER: THE PAPERWORK BLITZ
He slams his gavel.
Thousands — no, MILLIONS — of glowing forms explode outward like homing missiles.
PRESIDENT SUBARU:
"PENDING!
PENDING!
PENDING!"
Each form hits someone:
Freezes them in place
Forces them to fill out a questionnaire
Causes psychological damage
REINHARD:
"I… I can't defeat paperwork."
JULIUS (crying):
"There are fifty pages asking how I feel about myself!"
THE SHADOW CAT UNLEASHES AN OL-TIER SPELL
The air hums ominously.
SHADOW CAT:
"Mrrr–OL–NYAAHHHH!"
The spell fires.
It hits—
President Subaru's giant filing cabinet fortress.
Everything explodes.
A rain of burning office supplies falls across the battlefield.
CHAOS SUBARU GOES FOR THE THROAT
He raises his hand.
The world glitches.
Battlefield #2 crashes into Battlefield #4.
CHAOS SUBARU:
"UNINSTALL ."
A giant cursor appears in the sky aiming at Normal Subaru.
NORMAL SUBARU SCREAMS
NORMAL SUBARU:
"WHY ME!?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"
CHAOS SUBARU:
"Precisely."
BUT THEN—
Emilia jumps in front.
Hands glowing.
Eyes determined.
EMILIA:
"If you want to hurt Subaru…
You'll have to deal with me first!"
A dazzling burst of ice magic counters the glitch beam.
Normal Subaru's faction rallies.
ROUND 1 ENDS WITH EVERYONE HALF DEAD, HALF CRYING, AND HALF CONFUSED
The scoreboard updates:
FACTION SCOREBOARD
NORMAL ALLIANCE: 23% surviving
PRIDE DOMINION: 47% dramatic poses maintained
LUST UNION: 89% seduced
ORDER PARTY: 62% paperwork completed
ERROR HANDLERS: errors
A siren sounds.
ANNOUNCER VOICE (glitching):
"ROUND TWO—PREPARE YOURSELVES."
The battlefield—already ruined by the first Subaru-vs-Subaru war—now resembles a cratered wasteland of petty insults, failing tactics, and incredible magical malpractice.
The factions regroup:
FACTION LIST (updated)
Prime Subaru's Coalition — featuring confused allies, Emilia trying her best, and Beatrice ready to commit arson.
Pride Subaru's Dominion — dramatic speeches, long coats, and inexplicable gothic lighting.
Lust Subaru's Harem Syndicate — mostly just Subaru being terrifyingly persuasive.
Bureaucrat Subaru's Administrative Regime — filing cabinets, memos, and mandatory forms.
Shaula, Shadow Cat, and Random Entities — currently Not Helping.
And then…
A HUMMING SOUND ECHOES ACROSS THE SKY.
Prime Subaru:
"…oh no… why do I feel like I KNOW what's about to happen?"
Pride Subaru smirks.
Bureaucrat Subaru adjusts his glasses.
Lust Subaru licks his lips for no reason.
Even Shaula freezes.
Because Prime Subaru's shadow begins rising up around him like black ink.
SUBARU UNLOCKS DOMAIN EXPANSION
Yes, this is absurd. Yes, nobody asked for it.
No, it does not follow the rules of ANY magic system.
Prime Subaru does not care.
He thrusts his hand forward—
*"DOMAIN EXPANSION…
—RETURN BY NOTHINGNESS—!"*
A shockwave blasts outward.
The sky cracks.
The ground folds like paper.
And the battlefield is swallowed into a sphere of black void shimmering like oil.
Everything inside:
time barely moves,
sound is dull and distant,
and everyone suddenly remembers their WORST Subaru-related trauma.
Pride Subaru:
"WHAT IS THIS? A realm that forces you to confront your FAILURE STATES?!"
Bureaucrat Subaru:
"This environment is hostile to stable policy! This is ANARCHY!"
Lust Subaru collapses instantly.
He is weak to introspection.
Emilia, floating inside the void:
"Subaru, sweetie… could you please stop inventing apocalyptic magic?"
Beatrice, hovering like an angry fairy:
"YOU'RE MAKING THE STUPIDEST POSSIBLE DECISIONS, I SUPPOSE!"
THE WAR RESUMES… INSIDE THE #1 — Pride Subaru
He steals two members from Lust Subaru's faction while Lust Subaru is curled in an emotional ball.
Lust Subaru (curled up):
"DON'T LEAVE ME… I CAN CHANGE…"
They leave anyway.
Betrayal #2 — Bureaucrat Subaru
He hands out "Mandatory Domain Compliance Forms."
Most people sign without reading them.
Turns out signing:
Transfered 20% of all military assets to his faction
Gave him partial control over Domain rules
Legally reclassified Pride Subaru as a foreign threat
Pride Subaru:
"YOU BUREAUCRATIC PARASITE—"
Bureaucrat Subaru already filed the paperwork for war crimes.
Betrayal #3 — The Shadow Cat
It begins emitting Ol-tier spells randomly.
Ol: CHAOTIC REDISTRIBUTION
Everyone is teleported to different places in the Domain.
Ol: MULTIPLE CHOICE
People split into three slightly different versions of themselves.
Ol: UNWANTED SUMMONING
Summons Shaula, again.
Shaula:
"HEWWWOOO! Did someone call me? No? Too bad!"
THE SUBARU-ONLY DUEL
(A.k.a. "The Stupidest Swordfight in Magical History")
Prime Subaru stands across from Pride Subaru.
Black fog swirls.
Pride Subaru draws a sword made of pure ego.
Prime Subaru fists up like he's in a Tokyo alleyway.
Pride Subaru:
"I am your strongest, most refined, most powerful self."
Prime Subaru:
"You're me with extra eyeliner. Calm down."
They clash.
Sword vs. Punch.
Magic vs. Pure Stupidity.
Ego vs. Trauma.
But because this is Subaru:
They both trip at the same time.
They crash into each other.
They fall face-first into Bureaucrat Subaru's stack of paperwork.
Bureaucrat Subaru (yelling):
"THAT WAS A WEEK OF FILINGS—!"
THE DOMAIN STARTS COLLAPSING
Because Prime Subaru has no idea what he's doing.
Shaula:
"MASTER! YOUR WEIRD SPHERE IS BREAKING!"
Shadow Cat:
"MEOWGLYPH: structural instability event!"
Cracks form in the air.
Light escapes.
Voices whisper.
Every Subaru variant feels themselves being pulled toward an unseen vortex.
Prime Subaru, panicking:
"OH COME ON, I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO USE MY ULTIMATE MOVE—"
Pride Subaru:
"Your WHAT?!"
Prime Subaru:
"…Return by Domain Reset."
Everyone:
"NO."
*ROUND THREE — THE DOMAIN SHATTERS
and ALL HELL (and Subaru) BREAKS LOOSE*
Prime Subaru's Domain cracks like broken glass—
but instead of shattering outward,
it implodes, then explodes, then does both at once,
which should be impossible but
so is everything Subaru has done today.
THE SHATTERING EVENT — "THE SUBARU BIG BANG"
The battlefield is hit by:
a shockwave,
a time-skip hiccup,
three physics violations,
and one (1) Subaru screaming.
When the dust clears…
THERE ARE MORE SUBARUS.
NEW SUBARU VARIANTS ENTER 1. ARCHMAGE SUBARU
Robe, beard, floating, glowing eyes.
Immediately disappointed.
Archmage Subaru:
"Who in the seven mana layers gave the idiot version access to Domain Expansions?!"
Prime Subaru:
"HEY!"
Pride Subaru:
"Oh look, Gandalf-me."
2. CYBERPUNK SUBARU (from the neon future)
Chrome arm. Holographic jacket.
Speaks in glitches.
Cyber Subaru:
"ERROR: timeline divergence detected.
Solution: eliminate redundant Subarus."
Every Subaru in unison:
"HEY!"
3. "I'M SO DONE WITH EVERYTHING" SUBARU
He's tired.
Has coffee.
Dark circles under the eyes.
Probably the strongest by sheer apathy.
Tired Subaru:
"If one more magic system gets introduced,
I'm leaving this multiverse."
4. BABY SUBARU
Yes. A baby.
A literal infant Subaru.
No one knows why.
Baby Subaru:
giggles, drools, conjures a miniature Ol-tier spell that almost vaporizes a mountain
Archmage Subaru:
"WHY DOES THE BABY HAVE BETTER MANA CONTROL THAN ME?!"
5. EVIL-ADMIN SUBARU (Future Bureaucratic Dictator 2.0)
Appears in a cloak covered in stamps.
Evil-Admin:
"Paperwork was only the beginning."
He summons 3,000 shadowy assistant-clerks.
Bureaucrat Subaru kneels instantly:
"I have found my Emperor."
*THE FACTIONS RE-FORM AND DECLARE
ROUND THREE: THE MULTIVERSAL SUBARU WAR*
Prime Subaru Coalition
Emilia (trying her best)
Beatrice (more explosions)
Shaula (already stabbing something)
Shadow Cat (random spells)
Baby Subaru (nuclear hazard)
Pride Subaru Dominion
Regal Subaru clones
Drama students? (don't ask)
Two traitors from Lust Faction
Pride Subaru:
"I SHALL RULE THE MULTIVERSE OF ME'S!"
Everyone else:
"NO."
Lust Subaru's Harem Syndicate
Slowly rebuilding membership
Mostly populated by people who made a mistake
Supported by Shaula's unwanted enthusiasm
Lust Subaru:
"I SHALL RECRUIT MORE—"
Pride Subaru throws a rock at him.
Bureaucratic Block (Now with Evil-Admin Leadership)
3,000 shadow clerks
Stacks of weaponized paperwork
New spell: "OL: MANDATORY COMPLIANCE"
(which can forcibly conscript anyone who doesn't fill out form 27-B)
Archmage & Cyberpunk Subarus
They immediately form a technomagical alliance.
Archmage Subaru:
"Together, we can fix the timeline."
Cyber Subaru:
"Correction: together, we can DELETE the timeline."
Archmage Subaru:
"… close enough."
—AND THEN PRIME SUBARU ACCIDENTALLY TRIGGERS ANOTHER DOMAIN—
Because he sneezes.
A magic sneeze.
Infused with trauma, caffeine, and pure Subaru stupidity.
*DOMAIN EXPANSION:
RETURN BY ABSOLUTE DISORDER*
The world flips upside-down.
Gravity spins.
Magic melts into absurdity.
The sky turns into the color "What the hell."
Everyone falls sideways.
Baby Subaru floats.
Pride Subaru screams.
Archmage Subaru tries to cancel it and fails.
Cyber Subaru malfunctions.
Lust Subaru somehow gains followers.
Bureaucrat Subaru issues a lawsuit mid-air.
The Shadow Cat casts three more random Ol-tier spells including:
OL: UNWANTED SUMMONING
(A GIANT STATUE OF SUBARU FALLS FROM THE SKY)
OL: MASS DUPLICATION
(EVERY SUBARU DOUBLES)
OL: RANDOM EVOLUTION
(one Subaru becomes a Subaru-centaur, don't question it)
THE SUBARUS HAVE DOUBLED.
THE FACTIONS HAVE DOUBLED.
THE STUPIDITY HAS DOUBLED.
Prime Subaru (hovering, horrified):
"…I think… I think I broke the world."
Beatrice:
"YOU DID MORE THAN THAT, I SUPPOSE!
YOU BROKE REALITY!"
ROUND FOUR — SUBARU ARMS HIMSELF WITH… AN AK-47?!
(Chaos Level: "WHY DOES THIS EXIST IN THE RE:ZERO MULTIVERSE?!")
The shattered reality of Subaru's Return by Absolute Disorder Domain continues to twist.
Subarus are everywhere.
Magic is breaking.
Someone is crying.
Someone else is filing paperwork.
And then—
*A rift opens.
A glowing object falls into Prime Subaru's hands.*
Everyone freezes.
Pride Subaru:
"…What is… that device?"
Archmage Subaru:
"It radiates no mana… yet I feel death."
Baby Subaru giggles ominously.
Prime Subaru looks down at what he's holding.
A perfectly intact AK-47.
Straight from a world that makes WAY too much sense compared to this mess.
Subaru:
"…Okay. Who gave me THIS?!"
THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE REACTSPride Subaru
"THIS IS A BLATANT VIOLATION OF MULTI-SUBARU COMBAT ETIQUETTE!"
Lust Subaru
"Wait, wait, wait—Subaru-kun with a weapon that makes him look COOL?! Unfair!"
Bureaucratic Emperor Subaru
"UNAUTHORIZED FOREIGN ARMAMENT DETECTED!
I REQUIRE THREE FORMS AND A 90-DAY WAITING PERIOD!"
3,000 shadow-clerks pull out clipboards.
Cyberpunk Subaru
"ERROR: ballistic anomaly detected.
Possible timeline intrusion.
Recommendation: TAKE COVER."
SUBARU'S REALIZATION
Subaru (horrified):
"I DIDN'T SUMMON THIS!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE IT!"
The AK-47 glows with Domain energy.
Archmage Subaru:
"It's absorbing your mana!"
Beatrice:
"Of course it's absorbing his mana! Everything absorbs his mana today, I suppose!"
The gun begins levitating.
Subaru screams.
*THE WEAPON ACHIEVES SENTIENCE
(…OF COURSE IT DOES)*
The AK-47 speaks in a demonic echo:
"REGISTERED USER:
NATSUKI SUBARU.
INITIATING OL-TIER SYNCHRONIZATION."
Every Subaru panics.
Pride Subaru:
"HE HAS A SENTIENT WEAPON—THIS IS CHEATING!"
Lust Subaru:
"I mean…
it is kinda hot…"
Emilia:
"SUBARUUUU WHY DOES THE THING TALK?!"
THE WEAPON TRANSFORMSOL-TIER EVOLUTION TRIGGERED
The AK-47 glows white—
then black—
then turns into a sword-digit-gun hybrid that looks like someone tried to fuse:
a rifle
a dragon
a cursed relic
and a Subaru's last three bad decisions
Subaru:
"WHY IS IT GETTING MORE COMPLICATED?!
IT WAS FINE AS A GUN!"
The weapon:
"EVOLUTION COMPLETE.
DESIGNATION:
OL-47 — FULL-AUTO SPIRIT ARMS."
Everyone else:
"WHAT?!"
*ROUND FOUR IMMEDIATELY BEGINS
BECAUSE PRIME SUBARU FIRES THE WEAPON BY ACCIDENT*
He trips.
The OL-47 fires.
Not bullets—
but beams of concentrated Subaru-chaos.
The beams hit:
• Pride Subaru's army — they all become EVEN MORE DRAMATIC
One bursts into sparkles every time he blinks.
• Lust Subaru — his voice becomes three times smoother
(Problematic.)
• Bureaucrat Subaru — his paperwork becomes sentient and begins unionizing• Cyberpunk Subaru — gets a Windows update at the worst possible moment
Cyber Subaru:
"REBOOTING— 0%—"
• Baby Subaru — grows tiny demon wings and begins flying
Beatrice:
"WHY DOES THE GUN MAKE BABY SUBARU STRONGER?!"
THE BATTLEFIELD DESCENDS INTO PURE CHAOSPride Subaru charges:
"FACE ME, IMPOSTER WITH THE FORBIDDEN WEAPON OF NON-MAGICAL DOOM!"
Lust Subaru charges:
"IF I TAKE THE WEAPON, EVERYONE WILL SEE ME AS COOL!"
Bureaucrat Subaru charges:
"I WILL CONFISCATE THE ILLEGAL ARMAMENT!"
Archmage Subaru teleports:
"I WILL SEAL THE ANOMALY!"
Cyberpunk Subaru reboots mid-charge:
"UPDATING— DO NOT INTERRUPT."
Baby Subaru divebombs:
"Gyaa!"
SUBARU SCREAMS AND ACTIVATES HIS DOMAIN AGAIN
Because he panics.
Of course he does.
*DOMAIN EXPANSION:
RETURN BY ABSOLUTE DISORDER — FULL AUTO MODE*
The OL-47 fuses with the Domain.
The sky turns into bullet casings.
The ground becomes paperwork.
The sun becomes a giant Subaru face yelling "NOPE!"
Every Subaru flies backward.
Every NON-Subaru screams.
And Subaru—
Prime, original, confused Subaru—
stands at the center holding his impossible weapon.
Subaru:
"CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO TURN THIS THING OFF?!"
Emilia:
"SUBARU I DON'T THINK IT HAS AN OFF SWITCH!"
Beatrice:
"NONE OF THIS SHOULD EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE, I SUPPOSE!"
(Chaos Level: "WHY DOES THIS FEEL LIKE A CROSSOVER TO THREE OTHER SHOWS?")
Prime Subaru stands in the center of his out-of-control Domain, still clutching the monstrous OL-47 as it hums with unstable, overclocked Subaru-energy.
Subaru:
"Okay… okay… this is fine… no one summon anything else—"
The sky rips open.
A siren blares.
A glowing HUD appears.
WARNING: OL-TIER ANOMALY DETECTED.
COMPENSATION PROTOCOL: MECHA SUBARUS ONLINE.
Prime Subaru:
"NOOOO I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!"
THE SUBARU MECHAS EMERGE
From dimensional rifts above the battlefield, several giant robots descend.
Not just any robots.
SUBARU-THEMED ROBOTS.
1. MECHA-PRIDE — "THE GLORIOUS BARON"
A 30-meter-tall sparkling gold mech
with a cape longer than a football field
and two massive pointing fingers.
Pride Subaru pilots it from a throne-like cockpit.
Pride Subaru (over loudspeakers):
"BEHOLD! THE MECHANIZED MANIFESTATION OF MY PERFECTION!"
The mech poses so hard three nearby mountains explode.
2. MECHA-LUST — "THE HEARTBREAKER MK. III"
Pink.
Shiny.
Humanoid.
Excessive chest and thigh plating.
Every time it moves, heart-shaped shockwaves pulse.
Lust Subaru (over comms):
"Ladies… gentlemen… Shaula…
prepare yourselves to swoon~"
Shaula:
"HOLY CRAP MAKE ME A CO-PILOT!"
3. MECHA-BUREAUCRAT — "THE ADMINISTRATIVE JUDGMENT UNIT-27B"
A giant office printer fused with a robot.
It has stapler cannons.
Its hips are made of filing cabinets.
It shoots subpoenas like missiles.
Bureaucrat Subaru:
"PREPARE TO BE PROCESSED!"
4. MECHA-CYBER — "ERROR-CORE TITAN"
Sleek. Neon.
A robot made of glitching light.
Every step corrupts the ground like a computer bug.
Cyber Subaru:
"LOADING… DESTINY."
Then it crashes.
5. MECHA-ARCHMAGE — "ARCANUM MAXIMA SUBARU"
A walking arcane circle.
Every limb is a magic rune.
Every attack is a spell.
It levitates.
Archmage Subaru:
"Observe true magical engineering, fools!"
6. MECHA-BABY — "SUBA-RU JR."
A tiny (but still 10 meters tall) mech.
With a pacifier cannon.
And rocket-propelled diaper.
Baby Subaru:
"Gyaa!"
This one is somehow the most dangerous.
THE ENTIRE BATTLEFIELD STOPS AND SCREAMS
Emilia:
"WHY ARE THERE GIANT SUBARU ROBOTS?!"
Beatrice:
"BECAUSE TODAY IS CURSED, I SUPPOSE!"
Shaula:
"THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"
Ram:
"If one more Subaru does something stupid, I'm leaving the story."
ROUND FOUR: MECHA WARFARE BEGINS
All the Subaru mechs target…
Prime Subaru.
Because of course they do.
Pride Subaru:
"PREPARE YOURSELF, ORIGINAL VERSION!
FOR YOU FACE—
THE SUBARU SENTAI MECHA BRIGADE!"
Subaru:
"WHY DO WE HAVE A NAME?! WHO NAMED US?!"
The mech formation poses.
A theme song begins playing from nowhere.
Subaru:
"STOP HAVING A THEME SONG!"
THE ATTACKS STARTMecha-Pride "BARON BEAM!"
Shoots a giant spotlight that forces Subaru to pose dramatically.
Subaru:
"MY BACK! MY BACK IS LOCKING UP!"
Mecha-Lust "HEARTBREAKER IMPACT BURST!"
A shockwave that gives everyone sexy hair and soft lighting.
Ram:
"…what the hell?"
Roswaal:
"I've never looked better~~!"
Emilia blushes for absolutely no reason.
Mecha-Bureaucrat "MANDATORY TAX FILING VOLLEY!"
A swarm of glowing forms chases Subaru.
Subaru:
"NO NO NO! I CAN'T DO TAXES EVEN IN ANOTHER WORLD!"
Mecha-Archmage "ABSOLUTE SIGIL CANNON!"
A giant magical glyph tries to compress Subaru into homework.
Subaru:
"WHY HOMEWORK?!"
Archmage Subaru:
"BECAUSE YOU NEVER FINISHED MINE."
Mecha-Baby "PACIFIER APOCALYPSE!"
50 giant pacifiers rain from the sky like meteors.
Beatrice:
"WHY IS THIS THE STRONGEST ATTACK?!"
AND THEN… PRIME SUBARU'S OL-47 REACTS AGAIN
Subaru involuntarily raises the weapon.
It glows.
The Domain responds.
Everything stops.
A robotic voice echoes:
"COMPENSATION REQUIRED.
EVOKING COUNTER-MECHA PROTOCOL."
Subaru:
"…Counter… mecha…?"
A mechanical shadow forms behind him.
Growing.
Solidifying.
Transforming.
Everyone stares in horror and awe.
THE GROUND EXPLODES AS PRIME SUBARU'S OWN MECHA APPEARS
A titanic robot stands tall—
black and white armor,
glowing eyes,
shaped like a knight,
holding a massive copy of the OL-47.
"DESIGNATION:
MECHA-SUBARU PRIME
— THE RETURNING KNIGHT."
Subaru:
"…OH COME ON!
NOW I HAVE A GIANT ROBOT?!"
Beatrice:
"YOU'D BETTER USE IT, I SUPPOSE!"
Emilia:
"SUBARU PLEASE DON'T STEP ON ANYONE!"
Shaula:
"MARRY MECHA ME!"
Prime Subaru is sucked into the cockpit.
The mech's eyes flare.
And it speaks:
"LET'S WIN, SUBARU."
Subaru screams.
THE MECHA WAR IS ABOUT TO BEGIN FOR REAL.
Giant robots.
Ol-tier magic.
Anime theme songs.
Factions.
Chaos.
(Chaos Level: "NO THOUGHTS. JUST SUBARU."
Fandom gremlin mode ACTIVATED.)
THE MOMENT THE WAR STARTS, EVERY SUBARU LOSES THEIR LAST BRAIN CELL
The giant robots stand in a circle.
Air crackling.
Mana boiling.
Reality creaking.
And then—
Mecha-Pride Subaru flips his cape and screams:
"SKIBIDI-POSE!"
Every Pride-faction Subaru echoes him.
In harmony.
Like a cult.
Roswaal:
"Why are they chanting?~~"
Beatrice:
"It's the brainrot, I suppose! We've hit critical levels!"
MECHA-LUST ACTIVATES HIS ABILITIES IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE
Lust Subaru flips a switch.
Mecha-Lust begins blasting heart-shaped shockwaves while shouting:
"RIZZ-DASH! RIZZ-DASH! AAAAAH—"
Prime Subaru:
"STOP RIZZING THE AIR! IT'S NOT EVEN A PERSON!"
Emilia blushes anyway.
Shaula:
"I AM SO IN!"
MECHA-BUREAUCRAT GOES FULL DELUSIONAL
Bureaucrat Subaru slams a lever.
The mech transforms into:
THE ULTRA-OFFICE MODE
(complete with 400x more filing cabinets)
It starts printing giant sheets that read:
"SUBARU IS MY LITTLE TREAT 3"
Prime Subaru:
"NO I'M NOT—WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
3,000 shadow-clerks begin singing a Gregorian chant:
"HE. IS. OUR. LITTLE. TREAT."
Beatrice:
"DELETE THIS."
MECHA-ARCHMAGE BREAKS DOWN INTO PURE MEMES
Archmage Subaru begins chanting a spell.
It should be a long, ancient incantation.
Instead he screams:
"SIGIL OF SIGMA GRINDSET!"
And fires a magical blast shaped like a giant glowing Chad jawline.
Pride Subaru:
"MY PEOPLE."
MECHA-CYBER REBOOTS STRAIGHT INTO COMPLETE MADNESS
Cyber Subaru's mech comes back online.
But instead of combat mode—
It loads a TikTok dance pack.
Mecha-Cyber begins doing a glitchy breakdance.
Every movement causes a reality tear.
Cyber Subaru:
"FORTNITE DEFAULT DANCE: LOADING…"
Subaru:
"THIS IS NOT A FIGHT ANYMORE! IT'S JUST BRAINROT IN HD!"
MECHA-BABY ASCENDS TO A HIGHER MEME FORM
Baby Subaru's mech floats.
Glows.
Then speaks in an adult, demonic voice:
"GUGU-GA—GYAT."
The entire battlefield falls silent.
Then explodes into panic.
Beatrice:
"HE SAID WHAT?!"
Emilia:
"SUBARU PLEASE EXPLAIN YOUR CHILD."
Subaru:
"HE'S NOT MY CHILD HE'S MY—ME?"
PRIME SUBARU'S MECHA GETS INFECTED WITH BRAINROT
Inside the cockpit, the OL-47 pulses.
The mech's eyes flicker.
The machine voice deepens.
"BRAINROT LEVELS: MAXIMUM.
ENGAGING FULL MEME SYNCHRONIZATION."
Subaru:
"NO—WAIT—DON'T SYNCH WITH THE—"
Too late.
The mech screams:
"WHO TOUCHED MY SPAGHETT?!"
And charges forward.
*THE MECHA WAR BEGINS —
WITH THE STUPIDEST ATTACK NAMES ANYONE HAS EVER HEARD*
MECHA-PRIME: "OL-TIER YEET CANNON"
Fires a glowing ball of raw stupidity.
MECHA-PRIDE: "LIGHT OF SELF-ABSORBED SWAGGER"
Blinds half the battlefield with sparkles.
MECHA-LUST: "ULTIMATE RIZZ OSCILLATION"
Causes emotional damage to everyone within 40 miles.
MECHA-BUREAUCRAT: "FORM 69B: APPLICATION FOR VIOLENCE"
A missile shaped like paperwork.
MECHA-ARCHMAGE: "SIGIL OF OHIO"
Reality distortion in the shape of a Buckeye.
MECHA-CYBER: "FART REVERB PATCH INSTALLED"
An echoing explosion that shakes the heavens.
MECHA-BABY: "CRY OF THE GIGACHAD INFANT"
Creates a shockwave that breaks everyone's ankles.
PRIME SUBARU IS LOSING HIS MIND
Subaru:
"WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NORMAL MAGIC LIKE NORMAL FANTASY CHARACTERS?!"
Beatrice:
"BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT NORMAL, IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER, I SUPPOSE!"
Emilia:
"SUBARUUUU! PLEASE WIN!
AND STOP SHOOTING BEAMS OF INTERNET HUMOR!"
Shadow Cat fires another Ol-tier spell that summons a giant floating ":3" face.
AND THEN A NEW PORTAL BEGINS TO FORM…
It shakes.
Cracks.
A silhouette appears.
A familiar silhouette.
Subaru screams.
Prime Subaru:
"NO! NO MORE SUBARUS!"
But the portal opens anyway.
"This crossover has gone too far, but we are not stopping.")
The Subaru War had already escalated from magic to summoned entities to mechas to brainrot chaos. But nobody—not even the Future Bureaucrat Subaru with 600 contingency plans—expected this.
The Battlefield—Moments After Mecha Emilia Dropkicks Pride Subaru
The ground is cracked, smoke is rising, cursed portals are flickering like overloaded Christmas lights, and the various Subaru factions have begun chanting their war anthems (all off-key).
Then—
A new portal rips open.
Not the elegant, ominous OL-tier kind.
No, this thing looks like a badly downloaded PNG with zero transparency.
It makes a Windows XP error noise.
Everyone stops mid-battle.
Even Wrath Subaru.
Even the Shadow Cat.
Even Bureaucrat Subaru, who was calculating tax penalties.
From the portal emerges…
QUANDEL. FREAKING. DINGLE.
He pops out like a Snapchat filter that became sentient.
"It was me, Quandel Dingle!"
He lands with Fortnite default pose energy.
A silence descends.
Even the wind stops blowing out of sheer confusion.
Main Subaru (holding AK-47):
"…I'm sorry, I think my brain is buffering."
Pride Subaru:
"Who the hell is this NPC?!"
Lust Subaru (still halfway through the portal):
"I don't know but I want him."
Bureaucrat Subaru:
"Someone arrest him for existing outside the proper dimensional tax code."
Quandel Dingle starts walking forward like his physics engine is corrupted.
QUANDEL DINGLE:
"My uncle broke into my house and stole my refrigerator."
Everyone collectively: "?"
He continues:
"My goofy aaah tendencies told me to appear in your silly aaah war."
He points at the AK-47 Subaru.
"You there. With the strap. You are now the chosen one."
Main Subaru:
"…Huh?"
Jesus (still faintly glowing in the background):
"I leave for five minutes and THIS happens!?"
QUANDEL DINGLE POWER ACTIVATION
The air vibrates with TikTok bass-boosted energy.
Every Subaru can feel it.
Wrath Subaru drops his sword.
Pride Subaru kneels against his will.
Future Bureaucrat Subaru's clipboard catches fire.
The Shadow Cat hisses, tail puffed like a feather duster.
And then—
Quandel Dingle releases an OL-tier brainrot spell.
A spell so stupid.
So nonsensical.
So potent.
That even the Witch of Envy peeks out like:
"Ok what the hell is THAT?"
The spell manifests as:
OL' QUANDEL'S GOOFY AAH REALITY BEND
A shockwave bursts out.
Characters are affected instantly:
Pride Subaru grows AirPod Pros and refuses to listen to anyone.
Wrath Subaru starts speaking only in Ohio dialect.
Shadow Cat begins emitting Vine sound effects.
Bureaucrat Subaru transforms his mech into a DMV building.
Jesus gets a Snapchat dog filter and sighs deeply.
Shaula starts flossing (the dance, not dental hygiene).
Lust Subaru is now auto-tuned.
Even Satella somewhere in the void says
"nope."
and mutes the universe.
QUANDEL DINGLE:
"I hereby declare—THE GOOFY AAH SUBARU WAR!"
He pulls out a trumpet.
He plays the Battlefield 1 theme but terribly.
Main Subaru (freaking out):
"What does this MEAN?!"
Quandel:
"It means—"
He leans down.
His eyes glow with the light of a thousand cursed memes.
"Round Three starts now, babygirl."
Main Subaru's soul briefly leaves his body.
The battlefield is still echoing with Quandel Dingle's cursed trumpet when another portal tears open—
not a magical-looking one
not a dimensional crack
but a massive glowing rectangle shaped like a basketball hoop.
It slams into the ground with the force of a meteor.
Everyone stares.
Even Pride Subaru, who normally refuses to acknowledge anything not about him, lowers his sunglasses.
A DEEP, RESONANT VOICE RUMBLES:
"Y'ALL SUMMONED ME?"
The Subaru army freezes.
Emilia freezes.
The Shadow Cat freezes mid–Vine sound effect.
Even Quandel Dingle looks up like,
"Ay yo?"
OL-TIER SUMMON: SHAQUILLE O'NEAL
(Codename: OL' SHAQ, Champion of the Backboard)
Shaq emerges from the hoop portal like a final boss who's also your gym teacher.
He's 10 feet tall.
Wearing glowing golden armor shaped like a basketball jersey.
Holding a holy basketball crackling with divine mana.
Behind him, a choir sings the NBA on TNT theme in Gregorian chant.
Main Subaru (still holding AK-47):
"…Is that… actually Shaq?"
Jesus:
"Yes.
And I say this with complete sincerity—
run."
SHAQ STEPS FORWARD
Each footstep shakes the battlefield.
Each breath emits a faint echo of "Shaqtin' a Fool."
He looks around at the chaos:
Mecha Emilia sparking
Pride Subaru breakdancing aggressively
Wrath Subaru speaking pure Ohio
Quandel Dingle posing like a cursed JoJo character
The DMV-Mech Future Subaru yelling about paperwork
Lust Subaru auto-tuned and stuck halfway through a portal
Shaq just nods.
"Damn.
Y'all need help."
THE SHAQ BUFF
Shaq raises the holy basketball.
A wave of divine basketball energy blasts outward.
Effects:
All Subaru variants grow 2 inches in height.
All mechas gain 30 dunk power.
Emilia temporarily becomes 6'4".
The Shadow Cat becomes a panther for exactly 3 seconds.
Quandel Dingle's trumpet becomes an actual angelic instrument capable of playing correctly (he still doesn't).
Jesus gains a 50 rebound stat.
BATTLEFIELD STANDOFF
Quandel Dingle aims a glowing finger at Shaq.
Pride Subaru activates his aura of Smug Supremacy.
Bureaucrat Subaru starts filling out a "New Entity Arrival Form."
Wrath Subaru screams "WHAT IN THE GOOBER ASS?"
Shaq dribbles the holy basketball once.
BOOM.
The shockwave knocks everyone back.
SHAQ:
"Alright.
Who summoned me?"
All fingers point to Main Subaru.
Even Jesus points.
Main Subaru:
"…uhhhh."
Shaq kneels down to his level.
Eyes glowing like divine LED headlights.
"Kid.
Ya ever dunked on a metaphysical entity before?"
Main Subaru, trembling:
"…I have an AK-47."
Shaq grins.
"Perfect.
Let's run drills."
The battlefield is still recovering from the impact tremors of Shaq practicing warm-up dunks on reality itself.
Main Subaru clings to his AK-47 like a lifeline while Shaq lectures him about "proper footwork against interdimensional clones."
Then—
A new portal opens.
But not the magical kind.
Not the OL-tier kind.
Not even the divine basketball kind.
It looks like a Windows 98 pop-up window shaking violently.
Static. Pixels melting. Distorted keyboard mash sound effects.
Then he steps out.
THE ROBLOX WEATHERMAN HAS ENTERED THE SERVER
A man in a cheap blue suit.
Face frozen in a smile.
Microphone too big.
Eyes wide, unblinking.
The aura of someone who drinks seven energy drinks just to fall asleep.
He lifts the mic.
A beat of silence.
Then:
"GREMLOOB BALOOFA JIB-JID-JABBA JONKLON!"
The force of the nonsensical meteorological prophecy shatters three Subaru mechas instantly.
Shaq:
"…who the hell is that?"
Jesus:
"Oh no.
He should NOT be here."
Pride Subaru:
"I refuse to be out-dramatic'd by THIS glitchy thrift-store NPC."
THE WEATHER SPELL BEGINS
The sky flickers.
Wind swirls.
Clouds form in the shape of the Roblox "oof" face.
The Weatherman gestures at a map that doesn't exist and continues in escalating nonsense:
"FLONK TORNADO LEVEL TWELVE GIBBON STORM APPROACHING YOUR MOTHER!"
A literal tornado made of blue Roblox hats spawns behind him.
Emilia screams.
Ram screams.
Even Wrath Subaru screams "WHAT THE SKIBIDI BIBLE IS THAT?"
THE WEATHER GETS WORSE
The Weatherman taps his mic.
BOOM.
A lightning bolt shaped like a lowercase "e" hits Bureaucrat Subaru's DMV mech.
Bureaucrat Subaru:
"YOU CAN'T JUST DECLARE WEATHER WITHOUT A PERMIT—"
The mech explodes into rejection stamps.
SHAQ STEPS IN
Shaq catches a flying Roblox hat tornado with one hand
and crushes it like a stress ball.
He points at the Weatherman.
Shaq:
"You.
Speak English.
Or basketball."
Weatherman:
"BLEEBLORP-DORP WEE WAA—"
Shaq:
"…Aight. Basketball it is."
Shaq leaps—
the holy basketball glowing like a miniature sun—
and throws a FULL-COURT DUNK at the sky.
THE SHAQ DUNK COLLIDES WITH WEATHER GIBBERISH
The atmosphere itself breaks.
The ground vibrates.
The Weatherman spins like a glitchy Beyblade and screams:
"SKRONK BAROMETERRRRR—!"
A meteor shaped like the Roblox logo falls.
Shaq catches it with his forehead.
Main Subaru:
"…I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS ARC."
Emilia:
"Subaru… what spell is that man using?"
Shadow Cat:
"OL-TIER Weather Forecasting, apparently."
NEW THREAT EMERGES
As the smoke clears…
The Weatherman's suit begins glowing.
His mic extends like a staff.
His voice deepens.
"GIBBERISH: EVOLUTION MODE."
Jesus steps back.
Shaq readies the Eternal Dunk stance.
Wrath Subaru summons an Ohio rift.
Pride Subaru removes his sunglasses dramatically.
Main Subaru:
"…we're so dead."
The battlefield is a carnival of nonsense:
Shaq charging a Holy Dunk.
Quandel Dingle doing a cursed trumpet solo.
The Roblox Weatherman screaming "GLOOBLORP MONSOON ALERT!"
Pride Subaru striking a dramatic pose.
Wrath Subaru preparing to unleash Ohio.
DMV-Mech Subaru rebooting.
Jesus sighing.
Emilia crying.
Shaula dancing for no reason.
Lust Subaru hitting on the clouds.
And Main Subaru?
He's standing in the middle of all this like someone who just remembered he left the oven on.
Slowly…
Calmly…
Too calmly…
He reaches into his coat.
Everyone freezes.
Pride Subaru:
"What are you doing?"
Wrath Subaru:
"BRO BRO BRO WAIT—"
Weatherman:
"SKRONK?"
Shaq:
"…Kid?"
Subaru pulls out…
A blank piece of paper.
A page.
A page with nothing written on it.
He tilts his head.
Smirks.
"You know what?"
The sky cracks.
Mana storms gather.
Music cuts.
Every Subaru variant, every summoned meme, every eldritch weather anomaly—
FEELS A CHILL.
"I've read enough light novels.""I know exactly what to do now."
He raises the page.
Mana condenses around him like a black hole swallowing common sense.
The ground starts shaking.
Jesus backs up five steps.
Shaq whispers "oh hell no."
The Subaru variants scream in unison.
Even the Weatherman stutters:
"G-GLOOB?"
Subaru smiles.
"I call this…""Ol-Tier: I AM ATOMIC."
AND THE WORLD… ENDS.
White.
Void.
Silence.
vaporized instantly.
All Subarus gone.
All mechas gone.
All portals gone.
Quandel Dingle gone.
Shaq gone.
The Weatherman evaporated mid–gibberish.
The sky erased.
The ground erased.
The plot erased.
The author's sanity erased.
CUT TO BLACK
A floating Subaru silhouette remains in the void.
He dusts his hands.
"Okay! Story over!"
He thumbs-ups at nothing.
Roll credits.
"Thanks for reading this disaster."
THE END