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He wasn’t quite sure how it happened, but him and Pangi were laying on Lukey’s bed and watching a movie. It was some dumb movie, neither of them had watched and whose plot became increasingly more inconsequential to the both of them. Their hands were intertwined and Pangi’s head was heavy on his shoulder. He didn’t say something, letting a comfortable silence hug them like a warm blanket, lulling them to sleep. Fragile, as though one wrong word spoken would tear the blanket of and strand them in the freezing cold.
If Lukey could turn his head just slightly, without disturbing Pangi of course, he would see his friend overwhelmed by sleep. His mouth slightly open, nose scrunched up and his eyes a tiny bit teary, closed eyelashes fluttering ever so often. Pangi’s head dragged more and more into the personal space of Lukey, at some point nestling in the crook of his neck, seeking the comfort and warmth it happened to provide. And an almost inaudible whine left Pangi’s lips.
It was that exact sound, honey-like and silky, that caused Lukey to angle his head and smile upon the sleeping Dutch man. The sight exuded such domesticity; it was hard to put into words just how peaceful and adoring Pangi looked right there. A sleeping angel blessing him. His hair was scruffled and fluffy and a sweet and sickening feeling settled into Lukey’s stomach. Like a cavity, that’s how this moment made him feel. Pangi’s head resting upon his shoulder seemed so natural, so destined. Puzzle-like, as though they were meant to exist, completing each other.
And without a thought, his head moved like it had a life of its own. Slowly descending towards the top of Pangi’s head. Soon his lips met the soft pillow of hair, and he could smell the sweet-citrussy shampoo he learned to associate with Pangi. It was only a short peck, a way of saying ‘sleep well’, still it left a tingling warm feeling on his lips. A tiny hint of lemon hovering above them, not quite something he could taste, but persistent nonetheless.
And he could swear, the moment his lips touched Pangi’s head, a soft and velvety sound escaped the man sleeping on his shoulder. Nothing special, just a breathy sigh calling out his name. Yet in its simplicity, it turned his stomach upside-down and he felt light-headed. A buzzing dizziness clouding his mind. Sickenly sweet.
The second time it happened, both of them and the rest of the lifestealers were sitting in the living room of someone’s Airbnb. It was clean, so he presumed it couldn’t be the lifesteal one, apart of that though, he couldn’t say whose it was. After last years Sandiego experience, he was glad he and his other non-lifesteal friends got one for Rotterdam again, even if rooming together last year had ended in the most stressful day of that entire trip.
It was evening, and they were playing weird drinking-game versions of boardgames. So far, only monopoly had been desecrated and he himself was 3 drinks in. He got quite lucky with his rolls, something he could not say about many of them. Whereas he was barely feeling the alcohol pulsing through his veins, Pangi was at the very minimum feeling certainly tipsy. His speech sometimes was lulled or he stuttered over his words. And most of his sentences ended in giggles or hums. It was a sight Lukey seldom got to see. An almost carefree Sem, happy and unburdened. If it was possible, Lukey would get high of that sight alone. Would savour it until it’s all he can remember, all he can think of. And in a just world, he would be privy to that sight often enough, so that he could sustain himself simply of that angelic moment. Alas, the world was cruel.
The longer the evening progressed, the drunker they all -except Zam of course- got. If he were to describe them, he would say the group merged into a giggling mess, barely able to contain their laughter. By now, it was 2am and pitch-black outside. And seeing as they had to get up the next morning and couldn’t sleep in until 2pm, one after the other got up and called Ubers or headed to bed, leaving only few of them sitting on the floor.
Pangi, having lost a substantial amount of his spatial awareness, was now sprawled out on the floor, head resting on Lukey’s lap. Sleep slowly capturing his consciousness, until Lukey nudges him. “Dude, you should probably head to bed… We don’t want you missing out on your important beauty sleep, hmm…”.
After some time processing what was said, he got up. It was slow and sloth-like in a cute way. He was tumbling slightly and yawning. His face was scrunched up and his hair scruffled and spikey. Somewhere in the background was Zam calling an Uber for both her and Pangi and they were celebrating at the fact that some guy was still awake and willing to drive them home. Lukey himself had long decided, to just crash here instead and already notified Jacob. He wouldn’t want to worry his friends after all, by disappearing and not turning up the next day.
The mood was staring to mellow out and the remaining group was quietening as they waited for the Uber to arrive. Small chit-chatter piping up and disappearing into the comfortable silence again. When the time came to say good night and the Uber stood outside the Airbnb, a fatigue had settled upon them. Many fighting of the sleep creeping into their eye sockets.
And perhaps so would Lukey, if Pangi hadn’t bent down to him and kissed his forehead. “Good night Lucas, don’t stay up too late… I miss you already, I can’t lie…”, deep and coarse whispers seeping into Lukey’s mind. The second Pangi’s lips touched his skin, it was as though a dozen tiny needles were piercing through his skin. Exhilarating and so incredibly intimate, he could feel the blood rushing to his face. It left him reeling and he didn’t know how to respond. And before he knew it “Love you too, Sem…” slipped through his lips.
His eyes flinched from person to person, seeing if someone had noticed something, but only Zam was watching them, a knowing but reassuring look on her face. In that second, he oddly felt courageous enough -largely due to the alcohol consumed- to quickly reach up and kiss Pangi’s skin, his lips lingering a tiny bit longer than they probably should. Pangi’s skin was soft and sweet in a way, and if it wasn’t for the Uber waiting outside, he would have mapped his entire face out with kisses. The intimacy was something he couldn’t put into words, but it was a thrill he knew he would be chasing after.
Sadly, it would be a long while until he got to experience it again. It was during December, shortly before Christmas and Lukey was visiting Pangi in his hometown. It snowed for one of the first times this year and they were waddling through the Christmas market stands. For this small town, surprisingly many people were there, buying mulled wine, hot chocolate or late Christmas presents. The dark green twigs of fir and the dozens of Christmas lights hanging from trees, stalls and much more, contrasted the bright white snow, covering the surroundings. It was freezing cold, despite the fact, that Lukey wore at least 5 layers and a scarf.
And he couldn’t help himself, but in the back of his mind he kept thinking, how his hands would certainly be warmer if his friend was holding them. But he didn’t, so his hands were numb by now and heavy. Whenever he glanced upon Pangi, there was a feeping pain of longing shooting through his body, straight to his heart. And if he was honest, by now he had figured that there must be an actual reason for this dumb ache having made its home in his chest. One, that he can’t simply ignore away. But of course he’d rather die this very second, than tell Pangi about these feelings. In his mind, he made the first step by kissing him that one evening in his bed.
Yet over the course of his stay in the Netherlands a frustration had built up and he wasn’t sure how long, until it would start causing problems… Now however was not the time, so he stored that thought in the back of his mind. After all, Pangi was looking mesmerizing and breathtaking. This moment, even if just as friend, felt special. Cold and warm hues hugging each other, the darkness of the night kissing the bright lights of the gigantic Christmas tree in the middle of the market. Like the spirit of Christmas had decided to grace their presence with the sweet warmth of hot chocolate. Like this feeling of being at home was almost tangible.
The conversations they held, were characterised by sweet laughter. This freeing feeling of ‘someone you care about is close to you’ and ‘everything will be alright’. It was easy to talk about future content plans or discuss their general dreams of the future. Maybe this sounded silly, but in those two hour he felt as though they grew even closer than before. Something he didn’t even think was possible.
On the way out, heading back to Pangi’s home, they crossed under an archway someone had seemingly decorated. Among the many decorations, in the middle of the archway, was a mistletoe hanging above their heads. And to Lukey’s surprise, had Pangi’s movement halted and he had turned to him. He just stood there, looking at Lukey, doe-eyed and almost pleading. His brows were furrowed and a slight frown settled onto Pangi’s face. And it is with that slight desperation and sadness Pangi says; “It’s tradition to kiss under the mistletoe… something about bad luck if we don’t… And maybe it will get you to finally make a move”.
“Hang on mister, what do you mean?? I already made the first move, now it’s your turn!”. The audacity to pin all his suffering, pining after another kiss, on himself… After all the turmoil, the -dare he says- withdrawals he had to endure… “nah, that’s crazy”.
“What do you mean??! I at the very least made the second move… pay up bro!” In this moment, no matter how silly it was, after the months of longing, to hear the person you like, admit to wanting you was a thrill Lukey did not yet know. And while it was a rough decision, between proving he was right (ultimately keeping the bickering going) and swallowing his own pride, taking a step towards Pangi and ending both of their suffering… He did manage to get over himself, eventually.
Slowly and slightly shaken did he make his way to Pangi, stopping only mere centimetres away from him. His hands trembling from the nerves, slowly cusping his friends face.
When their lips meet, it was as though hot glistening honey ran down his throat. If he thought, a kiss on the cheek was thrilling, this was ecstasy. They were so close to each other by the end of it, Lukey could feel the warm soft skin of Pangi almost caressing him. So close, they were interchangeably breathing the same air.