Chapter Text
In need of desperate mental help (and kenji)
Mackerel: people always say “why did you get in the river”
Mackerel: and “you’re soaking wet”
Mackerel: and never how was the river
Mackerel: the river looked fun was it
Slug: did you jump in the river again
Mackerel: yea :(
Mackerel: kunikida yelled at me (╥﹏╥)
Slug: i hope you catch a cold
Slug: no wait that means I’ll have to take care of you
Slug: FUCK.
Slug: take a WILD FUCKING GUESS WHO CAUGHT A COLD
Mackerel: ALL OF ME HURTS.
Slug: REAP WHAT YOU SOW MOTHERFUCKER
Bunny girl: one of the healthiest couples in this fic btw ✌️💔
Probably diabetic???: what the hell how did you gain awareness
Probably diabetic???: also don’t break the fourth wall.
Probably diabetic???: the agency can’t cover the cost to repair it.
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: what the fuck are you both talking about
Probably diabetic???: I'm being philosophical
Probably diabetic???: maybe there's a world out there where we’re just cartoon characters and we’re being written by two girlkissers
Two users have entered the chat
RXYALEKXR0M1: bro PLEASE shut your gay little mouth
Probably diabetic???: WHAT?
Ideal ‘woman’: RANPO WAS RIGHT??
Probably diabetic???: OF COURSE IM RIGHT?
0rch1ddd: uhhh
0rch1ddd: no you’re dreaming
0rch1ddd: and your dad is elvis
Ideal ‘woman’: MY DAD IS ELVIS?
Slug: wth get out??
0rch1ddd: okay bye gays
RXYALEKXR0M1: *insert niche musical reference*
Two users have left the chat
Took the funds: did.. Did she just type ‘*insert niche musical reference*’...?
Smugglers gin: she did…
Smuggler’s gin: what a comedic genius *wink wink nudge nudge*
Bubonic plague: gin????
Bubonic plague: what are you talking about?!
Where are my shirts: im standing next to her and she actually nudged me
Where are my shirts: except she just elbowed me in the stomach
Bubonic plague… aren’t you two supposed to be on a mission right now.
Where are my shirts:...gulp!
Smuggler’s gin: no…
‘Bubonic plague’ replying to ‘where are my shirts’
bubonic plague: get a load of this guy
Suspiciously stolen shirts…: IM TRYING
‘Suspiciously stolen shirts…’ has deleted a message
Old man yaoi lover: WHAT
Old man yaoi lover: no…. 𝔀𝓮 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓼𝓪𝔀 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽...
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: boo we made that joke already
Old man yaoi lover: crap we did…
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: yeah but it was much funnier when i did that joke
Old man yaoi lover: don’t play with me.
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: ooh!! Scary!!!
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: shiver me timbers!!
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: i have a chainsaw you dont scare me
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: lock your doors.
Old man yaoi lover: 😶🌫️
Gramps: tachihara just got fucking shot 😹
Gramps: this is gin btw
Gramps: hirotsu dropped his phone to help him
Suspiciously stolen shirts…: is he okay???
Gramps: idk hes bleeding a lot
Gramps: hold on
‘Gramps’ has gone offline
Suspiciously stolen shirts…: could my boyfriend not die, maybe
Old men yaoi lover: could your boyfriend die, maybe
Suspiciously stolen shirts…: BRO HOP OFFFFFFFFF
Suspiciously stolen shirts…: leave michi alone 💔
Smuggler’s gin: “MICHI”????
Smuggler’s gin: ok now me personally i agree with naomi now
Slug: you’re all so nice to eachother
Smuggler’s gin: shut up and go take care of ur sick husband
Old men yaoi lover: im allowed to be mean to him
Old men yaoi lover: i still havent recovered from that time i looked over his shoulder and he was sexting his boyfriend
Old men yaoi lover: DURING WORK HOURS BTW
Ideal “woman”: WHAT
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: dont you literally just flirt with katai everytime you go check up on him
Probably diabetic???: hey siri play “my girlfriend” by tv girl
Ideal “woman”: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
Probably diabetic???: HELLO??
Slug: lowk dazai that one time when we were 15
Mackerel: heyyyy 🙁
Slug: arent you supposed to be asleep
Mackerel: arent you supposed to jhbkvgfycxd
Jinkle: is he okay???
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: what did you do to my brother
Slug: fell asleep mid sentence
Slug: loser 😹
International superspy…: I thought the wicked witch came back to life, but it was just kouyou laughing at that fuckass emoji
Slug: but theyre so funny 😼
Slug: also what’s with you and just coming online to make wizard of oz/ wicked references
International superspy: you and your little twink have gotten me hooked unfortunately
“Raging homosexual” & “Ceo of yuri”
Ceo of yuri: hows dazai
Raging homosexual: hes fine
Raging homosexual: hes still being a whiny piece of shit so he’s not seriously sick
Raging homosexual: he claims that he has the plague, but its honestly just a sore throat and a stuffy nose, he’ll probably be back at work in the next day or two
Ceo of yuri: i mean he could have the plague
Ceo of yuri: we dunno what was in that river
Raging homosexual: dont encourage his behaviour
Ceo of yuri: he needs to stop jumping in rivers cause then he sits in the infirmary like a wet cat for 2 hours
Raging homosexual: not my fault that the PM wouldn’t let me get off work for another 2 hours after you called 💔
Ceo of yuri: this is his fault not yours
Armed Detective GAYgency
Raging lesbian: hi chuuya says dazai will be back in like 2 days
Kunikida.: are you on first name basis with the port mafia executive???
Raging lesbian: i mean hes married to my brother so
Raging lesbian: i talk to him about dazai being an idiot all the time
Raging lesbian: maybe you need someone you can complain about dazai to, kunikida
Closeted gay freak: i may be sick but i can still SEE this chat guys 🙁
Raging lesbian: GO THE FUCK BACK TO SLEP!!!1!!
Raging lesbian: BEFORE I TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU’RE NOT RESTING!!!!!!1!!!!
Closeted gay freak: WAIT NOOOOOo!!!!!! *screams like a vampire thats been doused in holy water*
Gay inspector gadget: why are you roleplaying
Gay inspector gadget: its not 2022 anymore dazai and youre not playing royale high
“Raging homosexual” & “Ceo of yuri”
Ceo of yuri: your husbands awake and not resting
Ceo of yuri: hes also roleplaying in the work group chat???
Raging homosexual: yea he does that sometimes
Raging homosexual: 2022 was a crazy year man
Ceo of yuri: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN 2022
Ceo of yuri: THATS LIKE THE SECOND TIME ITS BEEN MENTIONED?
Raging homosexual: trust me, you do NOT wanna know…
In need of desperate mental help (and kenji)
Suspiciously stolen shirts…: MY BOYFRIEND DIDNT DIE!!!!1!1!!!
Smuggler’s gin: BOOOOO *throws tomatoes*
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: ROLEPLAYING IS A GENERATIONAL THING????
Smuggler’s gin: what?
Probably diabetic???: don’t question it, shes fine. I think.
Ideal “woman”: dazais roleplaying in the work group chat
Smuggler’s gin: yeah he does that sometimes
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: CHUUYA SAID THE EXACT SAME THING???
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: ARE YOU AND AKUTAGAWA JUST CARBON COPIES OF THEM AT THIS POINT
Smuggler’s gin: prolly
Slug: i mean i had at least one clone
Slug: whats one more
“C.Nakahara” & “D.Kunikida”
C.Nakahara: do a better job as dazais partner and stop him from trying to kill himself
D.Kunikida: how did you get my number
C.Nakahara: we’re literally in a group chat together
D.Kunikida: …
D.Kunikida: right.
In need of desperate mental help (and kenji)
Smuggler’s gin: ryuu and the agency’s stupid little gay weretiger twink are playing royale high together and giggling
Smuggler’s gin: WHY ARE THEY GIGGLING
Slug: damn just like 2022
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN 2022.
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: WHY WON’T ANYONE TELL ME
Where are my shirts: join their game and find out what theyre doing
Smuggler’s gin: ok bet
Carrot boy: i have a bad feeling about this
Carrot boy: i feel it in my seventh toe
Bunny girl: seventh?????
Carrot boy: ya!!
Carrot boy: village life be crazy
Smuggler’s gin: OH MY FUCKING GOD THEYRE FUCKING ROLEPLAYING
Smuggler’s gin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
Mackerel: they didnt get to do that when they were 14
Mackerel: now they have to do it at their big ages of 20 and 18
Probably diabetic???: GO BACK TO BED!!!!!!!!!1!!!!
Mackerel: UGGGHHHH FINE SINCE YOU ALL HATE MY PRESENCE SO MUCH
Slug: im gonna go lay on top of him so he cant move and is forced to rest brb
Mackerel: omg my beloved chibi is gonna cuddle with me
Slug: im going to flatten you into taking care of yourself
Mackerel: awww just like a little weighted blanket 💘
Slug: okay im taking his phone
Probably diabetic???: thank god.
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: wow its so quiet
Jinkle: is this what peace feels like??
Jinkle: i dont think thats ever happened in the indeterminate time i’ve been with the ada…
Smugglers gin: i wish I knew what peace sounded like but INSTEAD i get to hear what my brother giggling like a school girl sounds like
Gucci!!: damn yall hate dazai 😭
Gucci!!: ALSO HELLO?? IM ONLY READING THE CONVERSATION NOW???? WDYM AKUTAGAWA IS GIGGLING LIKE A SCHOOL GIRL??????????????
Smugglers gin: HES ROLEPLAYING ON ROYALE FUCKING HIGH WITH THE WERETIGER
Gucci!!: THEYRE HIGH TOO????
Gucci!!: no wait i misread that
Smuggler’s gin: seriously this is just like 2022 man…
Gucci!!: what happened in 2022??
Bubonic plague: you DOTN wnana know,,,
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: why are you all so traumatised by what happened in 2022
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: mark my words… i WILL find out what happened in 2022 even if its THE LAST THING I EVER DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!
Mori’s no.1 hater!!: and if ANY of you say anything along the lines of “you dont wanna know” youre getting jumped.