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This week was supposed to be the best one of his life, with Spring break finally here and Bruce having a business trip he'd put off several times already Dick had agreed that Jason could stay in Bludhaven with him for a whole week. Jason isn't actually sure how much Bruce had to insist but he is trying not to think about that part, because sure Dick and Bruce still fight but it's better now. Dick's even come over a few times since they first met, helped Bruce with a case or ran patrol with Jason, and he always let him get as many chili dogs as he wants.
So even if Bruce had pushed it a little bit Jason is going to appreciate every second he gets with his big brother. Dick is just so cool, he was the first Robin and he was strong and he could do the coolest acrobatics. He can teach Jason more about being Robin than anyone else, even Bruce.
But he's only been dropped off five minutes ago and he's already disappointed. Even if he doesn't want to admit it, it hurts when the door opens and Dick isn't the one standing there. Jason blinks in surprise and the redheaded boy stares back at him "You're not Dick" they both say at the same time and Jason's mouth falls open as the other guy laughs. His skin goes all hot and the humiliation grips his whole body when his eyes well up with tears he refuses to let fall
How was he stupid enough to think Dick actually wanted to spend time with him?
"I guess you're Jason?" He nods numbly and the redheaded guy opens the door and lets him in, he swallows heavily and drags his bag through the doorway, still feeling flushed. "I'm Wally" he offers and Jason can't come up with a single response as the door clicks shut behind him. It's unbelievably childish but he wants to call Bruce and make him come back for Jason, sitting in a hotel room for a week by himself is still better than being stuck with Dick's friends being ignored. "Does Dickhead even come in through the door?" he snaps. Which he really shouldn't considering he has no idea if this guy knows about their nighttime activities besides the fact that Dick left him unattended in his apartment.
"Uh," redheaded guy- Wally, mumbles uncomfortably as he reaches for his half made sandwich "Sometimes? But Dick should be back any second now, he just ran out to get more groceries." Jason is pissed "Because you're eating all of his?" For a second something like genuine guilt or discomfort flickers across Wally's face and Jason feels bad because he knows commenting on someone's eating habits is an asshole move no matter what. Still, he goes back to smiling a second later "Guilty, I was just hungry after class but I'll be out of your hair in no time don't worry."
That makes a tiny speck of hope bud back up as he swings his legs absentmindedly at the bar stool in the small kitchen island. He watches as Wally moves through the apartment like it's normal, cleaning up his dishes before slipping into Dick's bedroom. That doesn't seem like something friends would do and he slides off his stool, getting close enough that he can watch without being too obvious.
Wally is digging through Dick's dresser, tossing a random assortment of clothes onto the bed and rifling through the messy bedside table. He shoves what looks like a Nightwing hoodie into his bag and Jason thinks that anyone who is enough of a dork to wear that is probably good for Dick. But he doesn't miss the pictures on the nightstand, the Flash themed hoodie and sweats dumped on the bed that are obviously too big for Dick, it seems like this is their apartment.
Dick hadn't even bothered to tell him.
He feels small and silly for thinking that they were getting closer, that Dick was starting to like him, that they had a chance to get to know each other outside of whatever it is Dick and Bruce were always arguing about. Dick has a boyfriend and he didn't even tell Jason.
Did he think he would be homophobic or did he just not care enough about Jason to even bother?
It's probably hypocritical because it's not like Jason's been totally open with him either but it still hurts.
He drops his bags in the spare bedroom and pretends he doesn't hear when Dick comes in.
But there's only so much time he can get away with that before he has to go back into the main area of the apartment, Wally is eating again, a fresh bag of chips this time and Dick perks up when he sees him. It feels so genuine but it just makes Jason's stomach sink further, he's an idiot for falling for it.
Dick frowns a little, glancing between Dick and Wally as he sinks into the corner of their couch, snatching up his paperback copy of Sense and Sensibility and pretending he doesn't see the guilty little shrug Wally gives when Dick says something quietly under his breath. A minute later Wally grabs his backpack, turning awkwardly towards Jason "It was nice to meet you Jason uh- I'll see you Friday probably, depending on what time I get back" he nods and Wally wilts, he feels bad because it's not his fault that Dick doesn't really want Jason here and he's getting kicked out of his apartment apparently.
But Wally just shrugs at Dick, letting his brother pull him into a slightly lingering hug, knocking his forehead against Wally's shoulder, kissing the corner of his jaw and running a hand through his bright hair, fidgeting with one of his earrings before he finally pulls away and the door clicks shut.
Dick sighs and Jason's chest hurts, trying not to tear up again.
It doesn't seem like Dick is trying to hide it, he just doesn't care about Jason enough to tell him.
They seem good together.
"Hey you alright Little Wing, you seem kind of upset?" He just nods, he doesn't think he can talk without his voice breaking right now and Dick frowns, running a hand through Jason's hair and he has to squeeze his eyes shut to keep from crying as Dick sits down next to him. "Okay uh- I have a bunch of frozen stuff but I thought it might be fun to do pizza or burgers or something? You can pick the food but we're compromising on a movie."
He just nods, trying to feel vindicated and not guilty when his brother's smile slips. "Burgers?" Dick smiles, seeming relieved to get an answer as he presses closer to Jason's side, slinging an arm around his shoulders as he hunches to hide his chest. He's such a hypocrite, being so hurt Dick didn't tell him when he's lying to everyone about something so much bigger. It's different though, Dick can tell people, Jason can't- it's life and death for him.
No one survives on the streets forever and Bruce had scooped him up before winter really hit. It makes him shiver, the memory of the cold and how much he has to lose tightening as Dick happily drags a blanket over them both.
"I want Swiss cheese and extra bacon" he mumbles "and waffle fries and a chocolate milkshake with brownie and oreos." Dick laughs "Gotcha Little Wing, anything else?" He's not sure if it's a joke or if Dick is too used to living with Wally but he shakes his head, the edge of bitterness creeping back in as his brother puts their order into the delivery app.
He's tired and achy and he doesn't really know why he's so upset about this thing with Wally but it all feels like a lot. He's not even sure if he wants to be here anymore and he still feels kinda like he's going to cry. It's embarrassing and stupid and he's so distracted Dick ends up convincing him to watch Titanic, his brother's obsession with the movie will never make sense to him.
Sure it's good but he's kinda starting to think that Dick just really has a thing for redheads.
He doesn't remember falling asleep but he blinks and suddenly the apartment is dark, the TV turned off, and Dicks arms are looped under his back and knees. His ribs hurt from the layered compression tops and his stomach hurts too as he presses his face into Dick's chest. "Jay?" He grunts and Dick laughs quietly "It's alright, we can finish the movie tomorrow, you seemed tired" he is, surprisingly so, his body feels heavy and uncomfortable as he burrows closer to his brother's chest.
He doesn't care that he's upset with Dick right now, it feels nice to be held.
Unfortunately it only lasts until they get to the guest room, his eyelids heavy and already half asleep as Dick tucks him in. "You didn't tell me" he mumbles without even really meaning to and Dick goes still where he's sat on the bed next to him, halfway through pulling up another blanket, Dick just looks confused "about Wally," he clarifies, trying not to feel bitter.
Dick stares at him then "You didn't know?" He sits up, confused, as Dick gives him a weird look. "How the hell would I know, you didn't say anything Dickhead" He's surprised when Dick sits on the edge of the bed next to him, turning his face up, looking weirdly apologetic. "Little Wing don't- look Wally and I have been best friends for a long time so I guess everyone has kind of been waiting for it since I was like ten. It wasn't a secret from you, I honestly just haven't thought of telling anyone. I mean half of our friends guessed immediately and I think the other half don't believe we weren't together before. Bruce has been convinced I just wasn't telling him since we moved in together."
He feels more confused than anything but underneath there's an edge of relief, maybe Dick really does care about him.
"You thought I knew, really?" Dick's face does something funny and he almost feels bad, the whole thing is kind of stupid anyways and he doesn't know why it's bothering him so much in the first place but Dick's guilt feels good and bad all at once. "Honestly Little Wing I didn't really think about it much either way, it's kind of hard to explain but we've kind of been working towards this for a long time, it felt like a natural progression, not really announcement worthy. And like I said, I guess everyone else has been waiting for it for years anyway."
He sniffs, tries not to look like he's on the verge of relieved tears again and seriously what is wrong with him today? "Really?" Dick nods again "So you didn't think I was like- homophobic or something?" He doesn't mean to make it a big deal but his voice trembles and Dick's eyes widen.
"No Jay I wouldn't-" His brother looks so shocked he doesn't finish the sentence and he means to tell him that it's okay but instead what comes out of his mouth is "Good because I'm not- I like boys too" grumpy and defensive and completely by accident.
His eyes widen, panicked, and Dick stares back. The longest second of his life passes as his stomach lurches with panic and then Dick is wrapping his arms around him, sweeping Jason into his lap. "Oh Little Wing, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that" Still wide eyed and shocked he awkwardly leans into the hug, it's not a secret in the same way the other thing is anyways but it still feels kinda nice to tell someone.
"Ugh don't be all gooey, s' not a big deal" Dick squeezes him harder and he squirms "Have you told B yet?" Immediately he freezes and Dick nuzzles against his hair apologetically "Don't worry I'm not going to tell him, but he's cool I promise. He'd be a hypocrite if he wasn't, have you seen the way he is with Clark?" Jason snorts and Dick looks delighted.
"Hey Jay what would you think about having a sleepover?" He blinks and gestures around the room "What do you think we're doing now Dickhead?" His brother snorts and before he knows it Dick is scooping Jason up. He squawks and flails but Dick manages to hold on to him, a second later he bounces as he is tossed onto Dick's mattress.
His face feels hot when he understands what Dick is doing but his brother just pats his head "Don't think about it too hard, it's a bonding thing" he squirms and grumbles performatively but quickly settles back into Dick's arms as his brother leans over him to turn off the lamp. He feels all warm inside, maybe Dick really does want him here? He certainly didn't need to invite Jason to sleep in his room so he must've done something right.
It's kind of nice to tell someone and for a moment he lets himself think of the other thing- he wishes- but he can't. He only has so much time already and he's not going to ruin it, he's smart enough to know how these things go, the best thing he can do is enjoy it while it lasts. With that in mind he shuffles closer, bunching his knees up to his chest when his stomach cramps again and squirming closer to Dick's warmth.
Jason really hopes he's not coming down with something, he feels achy and gross, if Dick wants him here he doesn't want to ruin it.
He really wants this week to be good.
***
"Jay" he groans and Dick shakes him harder as he squirms and pushes him off. There's light peeking through the blackout curtains and he doesn't quite feel sick but he does feel achy and kinda sweaty. His stomach is still cramping like he ate something bad, his lower back hurts, and his ribs and head are throbbing. "Little Wing you're bleeding" he blinks, looking at his brother who is already dressed for the day, he must have let Jason sleep in. "Fine, probably just stitches or something" he doesn't actually remember any recent patrol injuries right now and he doesn't care to.
"Okay you still have to treat it Jay" he groans when Dick yanks the covers back "Leave me alone Dickhead, I'm tired" he moans but he hears Dick's sharp intake of breath even as the blankets are pulled back over him. For one blissful second he thinks he's going to be left alone to sleep. But the mattress dips under Dick's weight as a hand settles awkwardly on his shoulder. "Hey sweetheart you- I think you um- I think you got your period."
Jason sits up so fast his head spins, eyes wide as he looks at Dick who is sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed. This can't be happening.
But he can feel it sticky between his thighs, boxers and sweatpants stuck to his skin.
"No it's- I have stitches!" Even as he says it he knows his panic is obvious, his voice breaking as he scrambles backwards, yanking Dick and Wally's sheets with him to keep himself covered.
Dick's way too smart to fall for it but he nods, he doesn't yank away the covers or hit him or move to grab his stuff and dump it on his doorstep. "Okay, that's fine" Dick says slowly and it's obvious he doesn't believe a word Jason has said, it just makes him panic more. What is Dick waiting for? "Um there's a first aid kit under the counter in the bathroom" his brother says helplessly and Jason bolts for the door, slamming it behind him as he sinks to the floor.
He can't breathe he can't-
Fuck, how could this happen? We was supposed to have more time. He could've hidden it as long as he was alone in his room at the manor. Even if he was smart enough to sleep in the guest room last night he could've-
He knew this was going to happen so why does he feel so unprepared?
It's disgusting, he's never been bothered by blood before but looking at the dark red stain on his sweats makes him feel dizzy.
It's not real, it's a nightmare and he's going to wake up and it'll be gone.
He can't do this he can't-
"Jason?" He startles, glancing frantically at the door because it's not Dick's voice it's Wally's. Did he make his boyfriend come back to kick Jason out because he's too mad to do it?
"Go away" his voice shakes pathetically as he tries to swallow his panicked tears, "please I don't wanna-" he can't be on the streets again, what would Dick even tell Bruce? Would he be allowed to stay if he stopped lying about it? Would that even be better?
"You're not in trouble Jason I promise, Dick was just worried" wiping away tears frantically he glances at the flimsy lock on the door "Yeah then why the hell are you here?" Wally says something slightly muffled to Dick "Your brother told me what happened, he thought maybe I could help."
"I don't need help, I can fix the stitches myself!" He sounds hysteric but neither of them says anything to draw attention to it "Okay that's fine, but our big first aid kit is in the other bathroom so you might have to use a pad instead of gauze to stop the bleeding" Wally replies easily "pretty sure there's half a box behind the tampons in the drawer next to the toilet."
He blinks, too confused to keep from blurting out a response as his stomach cramps again "What?" he can tell from his own voice that he's been crying which means they can too "Yeah I don't use them too much but I'm pretty sure I've got some, course you can use whatever you want" Wally says and for the second time today his brain short circuits.
"But y-you're-" he doesn't finish what he's saying because he can't come up with any decent end to the sentence. "I could also help you if you needed" Wally offers as he opens the drawer, staring at the items inside. There are some pads and tampons, and Jason is surprised and relieved that they're all blue or green and nothing smells like perfume. Still he doesn't have a fucking clue how to use them. "I don't want to get up" he whispers and Wally hums "That's fine I can come through the door if you want."
He doesn't, he wants this not to be happening.
But probably the sooner he gets cleaned up the sooner he can pretend it isn't.
"F-Fine" it's so quiet he's not sure they'll even hear but a second later Wally is slipping through the wall, he has no clue how and he's obviously staring a little but Dick's boyfriend just sinks to the floor next to him. He tries not to stare but Wally looks so- he looks so much like a guy. Jason isn't sure whether to be impressed or jealous.
"Okay so I'm going to be honest I'm not super comfortable with this so bear with me" Wally offers him an awkward half smile and pulls back as Jason props his chin on his knees, he wonders if Wally feels this squirmy horribleness inside him too but he doesn't say anything. "Kay so here's what we're gonna do, I'll explain how to use stuff, you can ask questions or ignore me the whole time- whatever makes you comfortable, then you're going to shower and I'm going to calm Dick down because I'm pretty sure he thinks he traumatized you for life, and once you're changed we can talk or pretend nothing is happening. After that you can do whatever you want, I can leave so you and Dick get your brotherly bonding, we can buy groceries if there's anything you're craving, if you're not feeling well you can force Dick to watch whatever you want- seriously Jay anything that will make you feel better."
He nods, almost too confused to respond as Wally steals himself, looking like he's preparing for battle "Cool um- kay' so pad you basically just unwrap it and stick it to your underwear, a lot of them have little wings like this," Wally gestures at the item in his hand "these are supposed to be tucked under to keep it in place but honestly they don't work very well if you wear boxers, even the ones that don't have wings don't really stay in place so I don't use them. Also sensory wise it's kind of awful and it makes me think about it more just-"
Wally pauses, takes a deep breath, he looks really uncomfortable and Jason feels a little less alone. He's never met anyone else who was like that, who might understand how wrong he feels. Even though Wally looks so much like a real guy it's not fair, he'll have to ask him how if they don't kick him out, it doesn't sound like they're planning to kick him out though. Maybe they'll even help him if Bruce- he can't think about that.
"Never mind just- uh for tampons, these ones have an applicator because it's what I like, you just pull it out like this and then put it inside and push this and then pull the applicator out and you're done. The string is so you can remove it and depending on uh- on your body you'll have to change it around every couple hours. It might feel weird inside at first if you're not used to it but it goes away quickly, usually you won't be able to feel it. There are also other things you can use like boxers with a reusable sewn in pad that you wash but I guess that's the basics?"
Wally's face matches his hair by the end of the explanation but Jason at least has an idea how to deal with it now.
"And like, it's all natural and normal and stuff" suddenly irrationally angry Jason kicks out at the towel Wally has set out on the floor, presumably for his shower. "It's not!" He snaps "It's horrible and disgusting and I fucking hate it!" Wally blinks and he buries his face in his knees. He's really done it now, they're being bizarrely nice and he's going to argue even though Wally is clearly uncomfortable.
He just feels so violated. None of it is fair, it's his body it's supposed to feel-
"I'm sorry" he blinks back tears, rubbing angrily at his face as he glances cautiously at Dick's boyfriend "I'm honestly trying to say the right thing but I'm not the right person to talk about this Jason because I hate it too. So much. It's wrong and it's horrible and I'm sorry you have to deal with it at all but Bruce has tons of resources so it shouldn't be nearly as hard as it is for most kids to get you on puberty blockers if you want-"
He doesn't understand half of what Wally is saying but he understands Bruce's name "You can't tell him!" He blurts out and Wally stares at him with something like pity for the first time "Bruce doesn't know?" He shakes his head, frantic, what kind of a question even is that? Obviously B doesn't know.
"Okay that's- uh- neither Dick or I will say anything to Bruce right now but at some point you need to at least talk to him a little. Not about this part if you don't want to but about just in general-" he tries to protest but Wally holds up a hand "Just shower first and then the two of you can figure things out."
He thinks about Dick and Wally, Dick must know right? I mean if they're sleeping together he has to know. For some reason his brother is okay with it- all things considered it's probably the best outcome he could hope for and it seems like Dick is unlikely to do anything particularly awful, especially if Wally is there as in insurance policy. "Fine but you have to stay" Wally looks surprised but he nods, holding out a pinkie for Jason to shake which he does and a moment later Wally salutes him and slips back through the closed door, hearing muffled voices.
He could be lying about everything, they could be calling up one of those rich people camps where they kidnap you and try to make you normal again but he doesn't want to think either of them would let that happen. And even if it was, showering and dealing with this still needs to happen first.
He turns the water hotter than he usually would and lets it patter over his body soothingly. The heat helps even if the water pressure isn't nearly as good as the manor and as long as he doesn't look at the pink tinged water he can pretend for a moment that everything is fine, that he's just showering to give himself a break from the double layered compression shirts.
It was the only thing he had been able to get away with to avoid the bandages that had made him so sore and bruised he could barely patrol, Bruce hadn't even seemed to notice when Jason slipped several into their last active wear order.
But there's only so long he can bear the anxiety before staying in the shower starts to feel worse than facing the music. He climbs out, changes into fresh clothes Dick must have grabbed from his bag and shoves the soiled ones in a black trash bag. He tries not to think about his brother's no doubt ruined sheets because he just scrubbed away every trace of tears and he's not going to let himself cry again.
The door creaks as he inches out and he winces as Dick stands up abruptly, he's not sure what he's expecting but it isn't Dick sweeping him into his arms, hugging him tightly as he tries desperately not to cry, grabbing handfuls of his Flash hoodie and clutching on for dear life. "I'm sorry" Dick whispers and he has no idea what he's apologizing for and he doesn't care, he didn't think anyone would hold him like this again, for the first time in a while he doesn't keep distance between him and another person, worried they'll feel his chest, he just lets Dick holds him.
"S' not your fault" he finally murmurs when he thinks he can say it without crying and Dick squeezes him tighter "It's not yours either, and if anything I did made it harder I'm sorry." He squirms and sniffles and clutches tighter, not even protesting when Dick pulls Jason onto the couch next to him, practically in his lap. "Wally said we had to talk" he whispers a moment later and Dick tenses under him "Yeah but it doesn't have to be now" it does though because waiting is worse- Dick must realize that.
He pulls back, trying to scowl and not just look like he's going to cry "Talk" Dick glances awkwardly at Wally who is sitting on the back of the couch in one of Dick's crop tops, his freckled abs on display. Jason is trying not to stare but his chest is so flat and he has a treasure trail- god he doesn't get it but he's jealous anyway as Dick stares on helplessly.
"Okay uh- you haven't told Bruce?" Immediately his shoulders go tight and he stares at his feet "Tell him what- that I've been lying about who I am this whole time?" He refuses to look at anyone, refuses to cry as Dick tries to be all gentle. "Look if I'm understanding the situation right I don't think you've lied about anything, maybe left a few things out but- Jay please try not to panic but is this why you freaked out when B tried to legally adopt you?" He flinches and sinks his teeth into his lower lip "I don't want to go back there Dick."
His brother is staring and he makes a choked noise "Okay, okay uh- fuck" he flinches and Dick stands up but a moment later he wraps his fluffy superman print blanket around Jason's shoulders, passing him an electric heating pad as he crouches down in front of him. "Little Wing can you please look at me" he doesn't want to piss everyone off more but he can't- he shakes his head and Dick sighs "Okay, you're okay. We still need to talk but before we do that I want you to know that no one is upset with you. Literally everyone we know is a safe person I promise, no one will be upset that you're trans. Especially B, and he can help you get stuff you need like a binder or puberty blockers-"
He shakes his head a little frantic, it's too much at once and he doesn't understand half of what they're saying. "I don't know what any of that even means!" He snaps and Dick flinches back, he looks like he's going to cry and Wally sighs, moving from behind Dick to sit next to him on the couch, a hand on Dick's knee that Dick grabs a little too frantically. "Which part did you not understand?" Wally asks patiently and he blinks, he's so tired "I- you said um puberty blockers before in the bathroom, I don't know what that is, or trans."
For a second they both just stare at him but Wally manages to keep a somewhat normal expression while Dick hides his face in a freckled shoulder "Okay well, trans just means your gender identity doesn't match your sex- that's the biological stuff like primary and secondary sex characteristics, like when I was born the doctors thought I was a girl because of my body but then I got older I knew I was a boy. That's the gender part, who you know you are on the inside, for most people it matches but if it doesn't it's called being trans. A lot of trans people do things to make their bodies match how they feel, puberty blockers are one of those things. They will temporarily stop menstruation, breast development, fat redistribution- things like that, then you can either stop and that will all continue normally or you can take different hormones that have masculinizing effects."
Jason stares at him, trying to piece together what Wally is saying but it's so much information. He feels so sure that he must be misunderstanding, that he dropped out of school too early and he's too dumb to know half of the words Wally is using. But it sounds like there are other people like him and Wally, like there is stuff to get rid of this awful wrong feeling he is so tired of, things besides the temporary release of being Robin.
"Some of the working girls they- they were born boys" he whispers "but people weren't nice and they didn't have fancy medical stuff like that- they weren't like me anyway" he's only half sure what he's even talking about but Dick's face is wet as he looks like he's trying to restrain himself from hugging Jason. "You can- stop this?" He gestures vaguely at his body and Wally shrugs "It's kind of complicated, some changes are more permanent than others, but if it's what you want there are a lot of things that can help."
He sniffs and Dick sidles closer, wrapping his arm around Jason's shoulders, hugging him closer. This time he lets him, clutching the heating pad to his cramping stomach. "Bruce will help Little Wing," Dick says softly "he'd want to know and you won't be able to do anything medically until you're eighteen without his help anyways."
He shakes his head frantically, curling into Dicks shoulder as his brother rubs his back gently "B's a good person and he loves you Jay, he's-" he notices Dick glance at Wally who nods and squeezes his shoulders as he slips away to the kitchen. "Look this is all kind of hard for Wally to talk about but B's paid for a lot of research into gender affirming care for metas, Wally couldn't go to a random surgeon because of his metabolism and secret identity and the League has medical professionals for all kinds of other things but no one ever thought about that stuff until he needed it. He had to wait a long time and it was really hard for him, I'm not sure he would've been able to get what he needed without Bruce. I know it's hard and really scary but I promise B loves you and nothing is going to change that, he'll want to help."
Jason shakes his head again but he can feel his eyes burning as he huddles against Dick's side, maybe if Bruce did all that stuff he really wouldn't kick Jason out or force him to stop pretending- but Wally said it wasn't and he doesn't feel like he's pretending until he puts a dress on.
He wants things to be okay, to look like a guy like Wally and make his body feel less wrong and maybe someday to have an actual relationship like in his books.
He wants to keep being Bruce Wayne's son.
But he doesn't think he can say the words, he's not even sure he knows what they are.
"I don't think I can do it" he finally whispers and Dick squeezes him reassuringly, wiping away the embarrassing wetness on his cheeks. "I can tell him if you want Little Wing, we could do it on speaker or I can talk to him on the fire escape. I know it sucks but he kind of needs to know, in case there is ever some kind of emergency or something but I'm sorry and after this you never need to tell anyone else you don't want to."
He sniffs, pulling the sleeves of his Wonder Woman hoodie over his hands "Even Alfred?" He says it more to catch Dick's lie than anything else but he just shrugs "I mean if you don't want him to know I'm not gonna say anything but he'd love you just the same." Jason blinks but Dick just looks genuine.
"On speaker," he finally whispers and when he glances up Wally has made his way back to the couch, he kind of wants to ask Wally about his parents but he doesn't think it's appropriate. If Bruce is somehow okay with this that doesn't mean other people will be and Dick just said this was hard for Wally to talk about, he's just not sure exactly what parts so he doesn't want to say anything wrong. He's the only person Jason has ever met who's like him and he needs to know what Wally did to get to where he's at, he can't afford to burn that bridge.
"Okay, I'm going to call now" Dick announces, tugging him closer. Jason buries his face in Dick's shoulder and tries not to get sick as the phone rings. Bruce picks up almost immediately despite the time difference. "Dick is everything alright? I was going to call in a hour or two to check on you" he presses his face harder into Dick's shirt, shaking. Dick's hand smooths down his shoulder blades and he finally gives up on holding back tears.
"He's not hurt but there was a bit of a situation this morning, do you have a second to talk?" The line is quiet for a second then "I just stepped out of my meeting, what's going on is Jason alright?"
Dick kisses the top of his head and he thinks his lip might bleed with how hard he bites it trying not to sob, he doesn't care what Dick says he's going to lose everything.
"Uh he's- he got his first period" Jason shudders, that's not how he thought Dick was going to say that, he doesn't know what he did think but it wasn't that-
"Oh that-" Bruce's voice is blank and his stomach sinks as tears spill over his cheeks again, hiccuping into Dick's bicep "Is he alright? That must be very upsetting. I'd like to talk to him if he's up to it."
He actually doesn't know what to do-
"Yeah he's sitting with me actually" this time Dick doesn't ask before handing him the phone.
"Dad?" his voice comes out so distorted and he can't even bring himself to care "Oh Jaylad, chum are you alright? I can come home if you need-"
He doesn't mean to but suddenly he's sobbing.
He should apologize or lie or beg for forgiveness, something, anything, but all he can do is cry.
"Sweetheart I'm coming back" Bruce says and he sounds panicked, Jason just sobs harder, burying his face in Dick's arm "Jason?" Dick rubs his back "Jason please everything is alright, I love you, I'll be back tomorrow." He shakes his head because this trip is important but Bruce doesn't sound mad and he wants his Dad.
"Dad" he whimpers again "Dick what's going on is he alright-" Dick presses a kiss to the top of Jason's head and hugs him tighter, taking the phone back "He's alright B I promise it's just been an emotional morning, he thought you'd kick him out if you knew and I don't think he even really knows what being trans is- Wally had to explain some stuff to him."
It's embarrassing that they all seem to know more about this than him and it's his life, he hates it so much.
Bruce makes a pained noise over the phone.
"I would never kick you out chum, especially over you being yourself. I'm sorry if I ever did anything to make you feel like you wouldn't be accepted in our home." Another wet sob wretches out of him but he snatches the phone back, he doesn't think he can talk he just wants to feel close to Bruce. But he shakes his head and Dick strokes his hair "He's shaking his head B, don't think it's your fault" Dick recounts then "Jay why don't you take a few deep breaths and you can talk to B in a second okay?"
He nods mostly because there's nothing else he can do and Dick rubs his back as he tries to breathe, it feels like hours before he manages to stop crying and Dick looks worried but he hands the phone back without Jason needing to ask.
"Dad?" His voice shakes on the question and he swallows, taking the call off of speaker, Dick must notice because he kisses Jason's temple and stands up, Wally following him into the kitchen. "Jason, chum, are you alright?" Bruce's voice is steady but the concern is obvious "I-I don't know" he admits, his voice is still shaky but at least he isn't crying. "I'm sure everything feels very overwhelming right now but we can talk when I get home, figure out anything you need to feel more comfortable, everything will be alright."
He sniffs, hugging one of their throw pillows closer "You won't send me away? Or- or make me be a girl?" his voice is trembling but he's not going to cry again, ever since he got here yesterday he's felt like he's on the verge of tears and he hates it. "I promise" Bruce says immediately "everything is going to be alright Jaylad" he nods and sniffs "Okay" he believes Bruce, even if he shouldn't.
Bruce exhales heavily and Jason swallows, he wishes he was here. "You're coming home?" he checks quietly, he can't bring himself to ask but Bruce already said- "I'll be home first thing tomorrow and we can work everything out" he promises. Jason nods again, pressing his face into his arms as his stomach cramps painfully "Okay dad."
Without getting up he holds the phone out in Dick's general direction, Dick takes it without protest, saying a few words before hanging up, it leaves the apartment uncomfortably quiet.
Dick never shuts up and suddenly when Jason needs something to cling to besides the stress and embarrassment and pain his brother is quiet. His stomach hurts and the ache in his ribs and shoulders has spread to his lower back as well. At least it's something, better than focusing on his emotions.
When he looks up Dick is watching him and he squirms, sliding his fingers under his hoodie to wedge them between the compression shirts. Maybe he should go to the bedroom for a while, at least then he could take them off. "Jay," Dick looks worried, he doesn't think that's much better than the awkward silence, "are you binding?"
He just blinks.
Wally frowns but takes in his posture and not for the first time he wishes he knew at least some people who were normal and unobservant, although he's not sure what exactly Wally is looking for. "What?" this time Dick is the one to stare at him in confusion "Wearing something to flatten your uh chest" Wally supplies awkwardly and he feels his face getting hot.
This sucks, he is so not used to people knowing this stuff, he didn't even think they were things anyone else did. He liked it better when they all thought he was a real boy and he didn't have to talk about all the slimy wrong feeling parts of himself.
He can't bring himself to answer but Dick obviously knows anyway because he crosses to kneel down next to him "You slept in it?" he nods, not sure why that matters and Dick inhales harshly "Alright do you- I assume you don't actually have a binder?" he doesn't know what his brother is talking about and it's getting annoying enough that he doesn't bother answering.
"Okay um- can you please change?" Usually the question would piss him off but Dick looks as overwhelmed as he feels and it hurts, they didn't kick him out and Wally told him a bunch of stuff he was obviously at least somewhat uncomfortable talking about that Jason never would've known otherwise, not to mention he ruined their bed. Not yelling at Dick when he's trying to help seems like the least he can do.
"Fine but I don't-" he doesn't know what he's even trying to say and it's so frustrating he ducks his head between his knees, blinking back tears as Dick gently rubs his back. "You can borrow one of my hoodies" his brother offers and against his will Jason perks up slightly, that actually doesn't sound half bad.
"And once your ribs have had a chance to heal from whatever you've been doing to them I have some old stuff you can use" Wally offers, which only confuses him more but he's also too tired to do anything besides trying not to look like he's staring suspiciously hard at Wally's chest. Dick places a hand on his elbow and urges him upright, steering him towards his room while Jason tries not to lean into him the way he desperately wants to.
"You can chose any hoodie you want, then go back to your room to change" he offers and Jason nods, hesitating over the question "Dick?" He finally asks and his brother looks at him, all open and kind "Why doesn't Wally need his things anymore? How is his chest so flat if he's not y'know- binding or whatever" he's still only half sure what he's even asking but he remembered the word they used earlier and Dick's expression softens. "He had top surgery last year, had the extra tissue surgically removed so his chest would be flat, now he doesn't have to bind anymore and his chest looks more masculine. See here's a photo of us at the beach."
Dick tilts the phone towards him and Jason just stares, it's like something in his brain comes to a screeching halt as he takes in the photo. Wally is standing between Dick and another redheaded guy who has his hair in a messy bun, arms slung around their shoulders a black haired guy and girl crouched in front of them smiling at the camera. Wally's chest looks nearly the same as everyone else, he's got muscles- like pecs and abs and all that stuff, a trail of hair disappearing into his shorts, and when Jason looks a little closer he can see pink scars curving under his chest.
He tries not to think about his own stomach, mostly flat but softer than it's ever been before, the way his hips are starting to curve. He's torn between jealousy and awe, he'd never thought that was even a thing but he's not sure he's ever wanted anything this much.
"Jay?" he flinches when Dick lays a hand on his shoulder "Sorry" he gasps but he still can't tear his eyes away "Nothing to be sorry for you just spaced out a little" Dick's voice is soft and Jason is still staring. "He-" Dick sets his hand gently on his arm "It's hard to get it until you're eighteen but if anyone could figure it out it would be Bruce, if that's something you wanted."
The offer is so much bigger than he knows what to do with but he collides with Dick's chest hard, his brothers arms wrapping tight around his waist. "Oh Little Wing, I know today has been overwhelming but you've handled everything so well and I'm really proud of you. Why don't you get changed and then you can ask questions if you want or we can just watch a movie."
He nods against Dick's chest but his brother doesn't let go of him for a long time.
When Jason finally pulls back he rubs the sleeve of his own hoodie over his eyes and picks a Wayne Enterprises one from Dick's drawer, it's so big he thinks it might have been Bruce's at one pint and when he finally changes out of the compression tops his skin is red and sore if not bruised. He knows he shouldn't look but he always does anyway, staring, trying to contort his body to make it look less wrong before eventually giving up and pulling on the hoodie.
It's so much bigger than his Wonder Woman one, falling to his knees and hanging far over his hands. It's comforting, something that reminds him of his dad and his brother. It even smells like Dick, he doesn't know exactly what the smell is, something sweet and a little chalky like his energy drinks and the gymnastics gym at the manor. It's nicer than it sounds.
He can still feel his chest moving and he wishes that if he wasn't wearing the compression stuff he at least had a sports bra which he obviously doesn't. It's fine- he's still small enough that it's not that visible under the bulk of Dick's hoodie and for once he lets himself imagine his chest looking like Wally's someday instead of just getting bigger forever.
It's a better thing to think about at least, even if it makes him jealous.
He's too hot for sweatpants and a hoodie and his shorts are digging into his stomach, it feels puffy and kind of tight, the waist band is aggravating. After several moments of deliberation he forgoes bottoms altogether, staying in his boxers.
It's not something he would ever usually do but no one can see anyways and it's kind of nice not to have to hide anymore.
When he comes back into the room Dick is the only one there, sitting at the edge waiting for Jason. He isn't sure how close he should sit but Dick is quick to drag him practically into his lap, bundling Jason up in a thinner blanket.
"Did Wally leave?" He's not sure whether he wants him to have or not but Dick nods. "He had to go study for awhile, think he went to the school library, he focuses better when other people are around and he's got some crazy test in some class I can't even remember the name of. He thought maybe you could use some time just us but he'll come back later if you want." Jason nods but honestly, right now he's too tired to even know what he wants.
"And uh- I was thinking of maybe coming back to the manor with you guys if that's okay with you? I cleared my whole week and I'd like to still spend time with you if you're up to it, I also thought maybe we could pick a week over the summer for you to stay here- or we could take a trip, it could be nice to spend some time just us at some point.
Jason squirms, his stomach really hurts and he thought maybe his back would feel better now that he took off the compression tops but his shoulders are tight and his lower back aches badly. "You- you really want to? I kinda thought this whole thing was B's idea."
He's not trying to be mean, at all, but Dicks face falls as he bundles Jason closer. "I wanted you here, B mentioned the meeting but I offered for you to stay here and I'd like to plan a trip with you this summer." He nods immediately, heart speeding up, he can't believe it was Dick's idea. It's the first time since he woke up that he's been excited.
"Where will we go?" He can think of so many places, adventures he dreamed about but new he'd never go on. "Anywhere you want Little Wing, I've been all over Europe so we can do that if you want a guide or maybe somewhere tropical? Asia is incredible but B would probably want to come, he knows way more than me and speaks a couple languages well enough to get by. Maybe we'll do our trip in the summer and we can all go somewhere for Christmas."
He swallows, it's so many possibilities and not just the trip but everything. For the first time he lets himself actually think about his future here, one where he really is Bruce Wayne's son and he isn't always scared- waiting for the other shoe to fall. He could go places, go to school, do some of the things Dick and Wally told him about so he might finally feel like himself, maybe even have a boyfriend some day.
It's so much all at once and he's never had options before.
"Jay?" he sniffs, rubbing one of the hoodie arms over his face "Sorry, s' just a lot. I want to do that I guess just-" Dick smiles softly at him "I know Little Wing it's been a long day already, we'll plan it another time. For now why don't we get you something to eat and I have another heating pad and painkillers if you want." He nods and Dick kisses the top of his head, dropping a blanket over his lap while he slips into the kitchen.
Jason isn't really hungry but Dick manages to microwave sausages that don't look poisonous and he knows he shouldn't take painkillers on an empty stomach so he eats the food and swallows the ibuprofen when Dick offers it, sliding another electric heating pad behind his lower back even if the visible cue of what's wrong makes him feel kind of worse the warmth is nice. "Stomach ache?" Dick asks softly and Jason frowns at him, after everything he's still feeling kind of grumpy "You know what's wrong."
He snaps a little bit but Dick just hums "I can call it something else if that makes you feel better, that's just what I'm used to saying for Wally because it makes him less dysphoric, or we ignore it completely." Jason scowls even though he squirms closer and Dick easily readjusts to accommodate "I still don't know what that word means."
Dick blinks and Jason is really done with everyone talking about these things like it's common knowledge, it's his body- his life, if anyone should know the words to describe it it should be him. But realistically he knows he's not going to achieve that without someone telling him, he guesses now that Bruce knows he could look things up online but mostly it's less about Dick and more about him being tired and uncomfortable.
"Dysphoria?" He nods and Dick hums, wrapping an arm around Jason's shoulders, it's so nice, he's never been this close to someone. Not since his mom died and he was on the streets and had to shave his head after getting lice and people started assuming he was a boy and he realized how good it felt and was too scared someone would be able to tell if he ever got too close. Dick probably can which he still hates but right now being all cuddled up still feels worth it and he really likes the hoodie, it's big in all the right ways.
"It's like- the feeling you get when things don't match who you are. I mean I don't really have personal experience but like it can feel upsetting or gross, some people dissociate, I guess it's different for everyone but there's lots of little things I do to try and make Wally feel better. So if there's anything I say that makes you uncomfortable tell me and we can come up with alternatives alright?"
Jason thinks he might cry but he really doesn't want to so he presses his face into Dick's bicep, thinking. It's nice being able to talk about it even if it makes him feel weird, he doesn't think he wants to ignore it completely "Stomach ache is okay" he says after a moment and Dick smiles brightly giving him a little squeeze "Alright Little Wing, now why don't you pick a movie."
He nods, even if the not ignoring it is nice he's too tired and emotional to keep up with this topic.
He picks Pride and Prejudice even though the movie is not as good as the book but he doesn't remember more than the first couple of minutes. At some point Dick nudges him awake and towards the bathroom which fucking sucks. He can't believe he has to deal with this again, every couple of hours and every month, the only thing keeping him from a proper breakdown is that they'd said Bruce could help with things that would make it go away. The movie is over by the time he gets back and Dick is watching a baking show when he squirms back into the pile of blankets next to his big brother, settling the heating pad back on his stomach.
He falls asleep again and Dick wakes him up after a couple hours and he falls asleep again and somehow when Dick wakes him up for dinner he is still tired. They get pizza and Wally eats a whole large one by himself which is kind of cool to watch even if he's blinking to keep his eyes open. He thinks Dick carries him to bed again and vaguely he hears Dick and Wally talking in the doorway, sees them kiss and feels his heart doing something funny before Dick crawls into bed with him like last night.
He kind of can't believe that Dick would let him sleep in their room again but he's not going to protest, happy enough to huddle up against him. He's a little paranoid and ends up getting up four or five times because the thought of what happened last night still makes him feel sick.
But he avoids any incidents and doesn't wake up until he hears low voices in the living room, he figures Wally came back since Dick is gone but he's still nervous. Yesterday was a lot and his head is still reeling and he kind of wants to pretend a little longer. He doesn't know how to face people who know or what is going to happen now.
It's easier to just burrow into Dick's pillows and tug his hood up and ignore the fact that he needs to piss and his stomach is back to aching painfully.
He keeps pretending until a knock sounds on the door, grunting.
"Chum are you awake?" Jason bolts upright, his heart in his throat, but Bruce is already standing in the doorway. He has dark shadows under his eyes like he hadn't slept and he's still wearing a rumpled business suit. Jason stares and Bruce is watching him with so much concern he can't hold back the tears welling up, he doesn't let them fall but he presses his sweater paws into his eyes, sniffling.
The bed dips and when Jason peeks out between his fingers Bruce is sitting beside him, and he doesn't know what to do but then Bruce is tugging him gently into his arms and Jason presses his face into the crook of his shoulder, already wet against the mans neck. "I'm sorry" he whimpers and Bruce sighs "Don't be sorry sweetheart, I can't imagine how scary that was for you. To feel like you had to hide such a big part of yourself."
Jason sobs and Bruce coos at him, rubbing Jason's shoulders gently.
"I shoulda-" Bruce shakes his head "Nothing, you couldn't have know it would be alright, but it is. We're going to go home and Dick is going to come and when we're you're ready we can sort out anything you need. Clothes, binders, puberty blockers- if that's something you decide you want."
He nods immediately and Bruce hums "Alright Jaylad, I'll get it sorted by the end of the week."
He sobs again, this time in relief as Bruce strokes his hair "It will likely take a few months to actually start any medication" Bruce warns and even if that feels impossible two days ago he'd thought this would be the rest of his life. Pressing closer he loops his arms around Bruce's neck and refuses to let go, clinging on even though he feels like a baby.
Bruce doesn't seem to mind much, he kisses the top of Jason's head and scoops him up, an arm under his knees. He's still only in the oversized hoodie and his boxers but he's too tired to care. He lets Bruce carry him to the car waiting outside, refusing to let go even as he's placed in the seat between his dad and brother and buckled in.
As pathetic as it makes him feel Jason spends most of the week like that, holed up with Dick and Bruce, snuggling in the den while they watch movies for days. Bruce lets him eat whatever he wants, well technically he can always eat whatever he wants but he keeps Alfred from giving him too many disapproving looks.
Wally comes over one day and gives him a little crash course on the trans community, he teaches Jason all kinds of new words and helps him find places where he can look up any other questions he has. Dick helps Jason order binders and tape and boxers with a sewn in period pad, even a packer- that one is kind of awkward since it's his brother but Dick knows stuff and it's better than doing it with his dad. Bruce follows through on his promise to set up the doctors appointment and the doctor says he has to do a few months of therapy before they can prescribe the the medication but still that's so much more than he ever hoped for.
It's not until a week later that Jason comes home from school to find his packages on his bed, he's so excited he tears through them, he doesn't even notice the wrapped box underneath until he realizes there's something left even though he's unwrapped everything he and Dick ordered. He's confused but it's obviously for him, when he unwraps the box all he can make out is a bundle of neatly folded pink white and blue fabric.
It takes him a second before he realizes what it is, the flag Dick and Wally had showed him, the one that represents people like him and Wally. There's a piece of paper inside it and he unfolds it, heart in his throat.
Jason,
I hope you're as proud of yourself as I am.
Dad
For several seconds he just stares at it in disbelief, spreading the fabric over his knees. He can't believe Bruce got this for him, to hang up. It's different than just hearing it Bruce- he wants Jason to be proud of himself, he wants him to stay and he doesn't care that Jason is trans, doesn't care if he hangs up the proof where everyone can see it.
It's the first thing in his whole life that has ever made Jason excited for the future, for his future, and he doesn't ever want to lose that feeling again.