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After the matters of Martha’s confession and subsequent death were tended to, Benoit found himself drawn back to the interior of Our Lady. The architecture, he told himself, really was worth a final look. He took a seat in the last row of pews, taking it in.
Some time passed, how much it was hard to be sure. The silence was eventually broken, however, by the sound of the grand wooden doors opening behind Benoit. The light, humble footsteps that could only belong to the good Jud followed.
As Jud approached the detective, Benoit turned his head up, smiling tightly and squinting his eyes. Jud smiled and tentatively took a seat next to him. They sat in silence for a moment, the grandeur of the space before them never failing to fill the quietness. After a moment, Jud spoke.
“The church is gonna close for a while.”
Benoit leaned forward, draping his arms over the pew in front of him. “That decision makes sense to me. Though I’m sure it carries a helluva lotta weight for you, young man.”
Jud smiled through an exhale. “It sure does.”
Quiet fell over them again. Not uncomfortable, but with a sense of waiting for something. Benoit broke the silence this time.
“I appreciate your welcoming me into your home, this church. Our Lady of Perpetual Fortitude is a mighty special place.”
This made Jud laugh. “A special place. I hope it will be.” He shook his head, correcting himself. “I know it is.”
Benoit hesitated before he spoke again. “...Can I be truthful with you?”
Jud turned his body to face the detective’s. “I love honesty.”
Benoit took a moment to collect himself, breathing in sharply.
“I don’t like it here.” He said it with unintentional force, the sound echoing off the church walls.
“That’s okay.”
“See, and-” Benoit twisted his face, holding up a finger. “I like you, I hold you with high respect. You’re kind, you’re exactly what a priest should be. And yet, I still find great discomfort in this place. It causes a great sort of perturbation in my mind.”
Jud was quiet, listening and nodding.
Benoit continued, “The Church conditioned me to feel wrong, to feel shameful. I tell you what, Jud, the Catholic Church does not look kindly upon homosexuality. No sir.”
Jud laughed softly. “It doesn’t have a history of doing so, no.”
The detective tsked, and sighed. “Have you ever been wronged by The Church, Father Jud? Because I tell you, I might be able to swallow some of the doctrine more easily if-”
“I have.”
Benoit stopped, his face falling slightly.
“And yet here you are.”
“Here I am.”
Benoit leaned back, a gentle expression on his face. An invitation to share.
“You know,” Jud chuckled, “it’s funny you should bring up The Church’s stance on gay people. What with me being one of them.”
Benoit’s eyebrows shot up. Despite being a world-famous detective, this one had somehow slipped by him. He opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a small “Oh.”
He took pause for a moment, understanding the man before him. Benoit’d never known a queer person to be religious, much less an ordained priest. It was so contradictory to what he’d been raised hearing, what had been insisted upon him from a young age.
“This surprises you.” Jud smiled. Benoit chuckled lightly.
“I s’pose it does.”
What Benoit didn’t say out loud, was that he was now left wondering how things would have been different if he’d grown up in Jud’s church. If he’d still be battling the everlasting guilt and shame. If he’d have been able to have a relationship with his mother. Though he supposed Jud could tell what he was thinking. Tears began to fall down his face.
“It’s just-” Benoit cleared his throat. “The church is s’posed to make you feel good. To feel at peace. And I was made to never feel anything but wrong. No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough.” He hardened his face, crossing his arms. “I don’t know how- I don’t know…”
“You don’t know if you can forgive that.”
Benoit nodded once. It felt childish, to hold a grudge, this bitterness. And yet, he couldn’t move past it. Jud’s expression remained sympathetic.
“Can I pray for you?”
That just about broke Benoit. The idea of simply opening himself up to prayer made his chest ache. And yet he found himself nodding in agreement through tears.
And so Jud prayed for him, very delicately. He didn’t ask for any great reconciliation or reverent consecration. He simply passed a message along, praying for healing.
Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end.
Father, hear our prayer. Benoit and I come to you with humble hearts. We pray for healing. Benoit has been hurt by The Church. Benoit has been hurt by people claiming to act in your name. He’s been wounded and needs healing. God, we pray that you show your love to Benoit, show that you love him as he is. This church welcomes Benoit with open arms, and we share your love with him.
We ask this through Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with the Father and the Holy Spirit, one God, forever and ever.
Amen.
Benoit opened his eyes, wiping away a tear with his handkerchief. He wasn’t upset with Jud in the slightest. In fact, he respected Jud more than ever. He just couldn’t forgive The Church, and that would have to be okay.
“Thank you, Father Jud. I wish you the best.”
Jud nodded, standing as the detective stood, and moving out of the pew to let him pass.
Benoit walked out of Our Lady into the sunlight, breathing in the beautiful spring day. He knew he would never return. But he also knew, with certainty, that Jud Duplenticy would be there for the rest of his days. And for that, he thanked God.