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“Are you ashamed of me?”
“The opposite,” Asano closed his eyes before continuing, “I respect you. All of you. That includes your goals for the future. And I refuse to let…this…be the reason that you don't reach them, any of them.”
“What do you mean by that?” Karma already knew the answer, maybe he just wanted Asano to admit it.
Asano sighed, “You're not an idiot, you know what I mean. You're working towards becoming a public figure. I will be too, in some form. People like us aren't taken too kindly.”
“People like us? Sounds a whole lot like you are ashamed, Shuu.”
“I'm not ashamed, I'm being realistic.”
“There are openly gay people in–”
“I know, but there's only one or two. And there's only a few for a reason. A reason neither of us can control. I'm not saying we’ll never make…us public, but I just…”
“...But you just?”
Asano didn't answer, which both worried and irked Karma. He knew that Asano, in a sad but understandable way, was right. But he also knew that part of his boyfriend’s reasoning was due to the beliefs of strength that were engraved into his life. If you can't eliminate it, hide what makes you weak.
Unfortunately, that includes Karma.
It was quiet in their dorm for the rest of the night, the only thing Karma could hear was Asano’s shaky breathing. It was as vulnerable as Asano would allow himself to be. Never asking for reassurance or any other semblance of comfort, only able to show physical proof that he does care. It’s his way of showing that this, even if he can't bring himself to verbalize it, rocks him to his core. In a vague and closed-off way, it's a silent agreement that he wholeheartedly wants what Karma wants. And a silent promise that they'll talk about this, one day.
And for now, that's enough. For now, Karma can wait. Tonight, he'll hold Asano a little tighter and ignore the truth they'll inevitably have to face.
The following morning is silent. It's not uncomfortable, just different. The two don't talk, barely even seeing each other besides passing by. But the extra lunch Karma sets on Asano’s bag and the hot cup of tea Asano leaves at the opposite side of the only table they own, says exactly what the other needs.
I'm upset, and I need some time. But I still care about you, about us.