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(“Hello! I’m Kim Taehyung, I come from Daegu and we’ll be living together from now on, please take good care of me! I grew up on a farm and I have a really cute dog, and two younger siblings! I have an elephant of my body, do you wanna see?”)
There were countless outlets that talked about relationships. Books, shows, movies, online personality quizzes, and magazines. Many of those said that a deep and meaningful relationship were built gradually and with time. That a bond had to be crafted to hold things like respect, trust and loyalty.
For Jimin and him it wasn’t like that at all, Taehyung supposed. It happened really fucking fast.
He came from a family of farmers, grew up in the Daegu area, had sun-kissed skin, a loud satoori heavy voice and was just so pumped to be in Seoul to go to university.
It was a huge step for him and he was equally excited and scared to be honest. And he missed his family the second he stepped foot onto the train that would take him away. His mother had packed him way too many lunch boxes and said she would send him even more care packages in the future. She had him bought one of those expensive jackets for the winter, saying she didn’t want anyone in Seoul to bully her boy and Taehyung just waved her off, told her he would just fine because he was not a child anymore.
Of course he was still really nervous. He would share his a small appartment with another student, someone with the name of Park Jimin and Taehyung wholeheartedly hoped Jimin liked his mother’s kimbap (he really had too much) and anime. Those two things were really important.
So when a shorter boy (well shorter than himself) with eye-smile that displayed a cute crooked tooth and a quiet but warm, “Hello, I’m Park Jimin, it’s nice to meet you… I hope we get along,” arrived, Taehyung knew everything would be alright.
Jimin was timid at first and Taehyung wanted to respect that so he gave his new roommate a total of one hour to settle in before bouncing on him.
He pulled out his mom’s food, inviting him to eat together, and to talk, and Taehyung didn’t really take no for an answer, so he continued to bombard him with questions.
Jimin was from Busan. He had one younger brother. He was a dance major and liked contemporary dance the most, but wanted to learn more. He liked girl group dances, superhero movies (Hulk was his favorite Avenger) and he learned cooking from his father when he knew he’d be living on his own. He was also a morning person (ew) and he liked to go for a run before his shower and breakfast – even on days when he had morning classes. (“Trust me with this, I will not even join you if you invite Beyoncé herself.) Jimin cared a lot about how he looked and Taehyung immediately blurted out that he thought Jimin looked amazing and really cute and he liked his fluffy hair a lot which made Jimin flush in deep red, mumbling a really quiet “thank you…” which made him look even cuter.
It took Jimin a bit to really open up to him, but that was fine. Taehyung understood that not everyone was like him, who made his first few friends on campus by going to the bathroom, or randomly sitting down at their table.
The first friend he made outside of his living arrangement was a certain Kim Namjoon who looked intimidating, but was actually quite a softie, and Taehyung liked that. (He could cut down on the deep talk, but ok) and Namjoon brought along Min Yoongi who, in return, brought along his boyfriend Jung Hoseok (who apparently knew Jimin from dance?? It was really confusing) and to top it all off, there was Kim Seokjin who was suddenly there because he knew Yoongi (or was it Namjoon? Taehyung honestly couldn’t tell anymore at this point) and it made their group complete. Taehyung loved them, it was perfect, he loved living in Seoul. He told his father so on his daily phone calls too and he knew his parents were glad because they had been just as worried about him.
But back to Jimin.
While Jimin did take a short while to really open up to him, they grew very close really soon.
The two of them just fit, Taehyung guessed.
Jimin liked to cuddle which was Very Important. He liked to watch the same movies and TV shows. He would argue about the most ridiculous things with him over dinner (that Jimin had made for them) going so far for them to even fight about who ate the last dumpling that was in the fridge only for Taehyung to go out and buy more (because he did eat it even though he knew it was Jimin’s) and Jimin would act like he was still angry, pout his cute and full lips, but take it and then share most of it with him anyway because “I can’t eat all of this on my own anyway and throwing it away it’s such a waste.”
Jimin would show him the routines he was working on in their small living room and he would bump into literally everything and Taehyung would be there to rub the sore spot.
“My mom always did this,” he’d say, rubbing on the potential bruise before making a throwing motion while yelling, “Ouchie begone!” and Jimin would giggle and lightly punch him, but Taehyung would insist that it worked because the dancer was laughing now, right?
They had routines that established themselves naturally and all just under three weeks and Taehyung already knew had met his better half here. No one would be like Jimin.
So when they were eating self-made waffles with cream and raspberries on a Sunday morning, Taehyung leaned forward to take Jimin’s face into his hands and squish his cheeks and asked, “Jimin are you my bf?” Jimin’s eyes just widened before a wide smile spread on his face (Taehyung’s favorite one. The one where his eyes turned into thin slits, and his cheeks got even bigger) before nodding – face still stuck between Taehyung’s hands and Taehyung let out a loud squeak before leaning forward and giving Jimin a big smooch on the mouth. (They were really soft, 10/10)
That was how it began. Or where it started to go wrong at least. Though, neither of them knew it then and they wouldn’t for a long time.
(“I love you!! So much!!”
“Oh my God, shut up, you dork…”)
Taehyung would grow to love Jimin even more and they told that to each other a lot. Jimin got really bashful sometimes whenever Taehyung was overcome with a sudden wave of affection, when he would drop everything and anything to go to Jimin, take his hand and tell him how beautiful he was and how much he loved him. Jimin would just push his shoulder, whispering a, “what the hell is wrong with you, idiot,” with his lovely cheeks painted pink.
“Do you love me too?” Taehyung would ask and Jimin would just look at him, blink twice before replying, “Of course I do, don’t be stupid.”
Taehyung felt like he didn’t need anything else in his life but Jimin. His best friend, his better half.
It was their drama night, when Jimin took his hand, gripped it tight, his head on Taehyung’s shoulder and he slowly turned to Taehyung and kissed him and it wasn’t like the little kisses they had had before, which had mostly been pecks or Taehyung’s overdramatic, wet smooches. This one was like a whisper, just gently pressing over the sensitive skin of his lips. It was Jimin breathing through his mouth when he pulled away, was Taehyung tasting Jimin’s breath. It left a tingling feeling and Taehyung fought the urge to rub over it with his hand.
“Tae… you and I… let’s go on forever, okay? I only have you.” Jimin was staring at him, his eyes darker than usual and Taehyung nodded, unable to say anything.
That night they slept in the same bed for the first time and when they woke up – it was Jimin’s alarm that signaled him to get up and go for his run – Taehyung smiled up at his best friend with a fond smile.
“Missed you…”
Jimin snorted, already getting up from bed (while Taehyung still felt pretty dead, how did he do it?) “We were together the entire time. We slept in one bed.”
“Yes, but we slept for like seven hours. That’s seven hours that I didn’t see you. Hence, I missed you.” Taehyung pouted into his pillow and, hugging it close since Jimin wouldn’t be there anymore.
“Alright… I missed you more, then.”
(“Hit me with the worst pick-up line you can think of.”
“You know how people say you aren’t supposed to stare at the sun for more than a few seconds or you’ll go blind. Well, I’d gladly stare at you for hours, so you’d be the last thing I see.”
“… What the fuck, Taehyung.”)
It stayed like that between them for a year.
They slept only in Jimin’s room while Taehyung’s turned into a study/game/storage room and every morning Taehyung would tell Jimin that he missed him and every time Jimin would say he missed him more.
Mondays they had both morning classes, so Jimin woke Taehyung up (as in, got him out of bed) when he came back from his run. Jimin would make breakfast (cereal for Taehyung, veggie shake for Jimin) and coffee to go for the two of them and they’d meet up with Hoseok to walk to campus together.
Tuesdays was the only day Jimin didn’t go out for a run (after negotiations) and they’d both sleep in because their classes started later. Taehyung would be home first because Jimin had dance practice until eight and that meant dinner was in his hands which never actually turned out good, but Jimin always ate whatever was there. (Often it was takeout, sometimes Seokjin was nice enough to bring something for them.)
Wednesday was drama day. Taehyung had to leave for class first and Jimin would download the new episode for them so in the evening they ate dinner (that Jimin made of course) together while watching the show which always turned into a long talk afterwards.
Thursdays was beauty day. They both came home late and Taehyung would do their nails, they put on face masks and after Jimin took a bath, Taehyung would massage his legs, feet and hands (Taehyung adored Jimin’s hands. They were the best.) The night would end with Taehyung kissing each of Jimin’s fingertips and them falling asleep in each other’s arms.
They didn’t have classes on Fridays, but Jimin had dance practice and after that it was game night which always turned into war because both were stubborn and sore losers and they would yell at each other until Taehyung just threw himself onto Jimin with all his weight to shut him up (“I’m going to suffocate!!! You’re the heaviest person ever! This is how I go!”) until Jimin remembered that he was far stronger than Taehyung and he’d throw them around. It resulted in tickle wars and jumping on their bed.
The Saturdays were always different. They’d go out with their friends, or went to see a movie, maybe stay in and be lazy pieces of shits, it didn’t really matter. As long as they were together, it was all okay.
Sundays, however, were Taehyung’s favorite as they both woke up early and made waffles and ate them together in bed.
But really, as long as Taehyung could wake up in the morning and find Jimin next to him, it should be okay.
“I missed you,” he croaked out, his voice still deep and heavy from sleep.
“I missed you more,” a light voice giggled back and he felt a kiss on his cheek.
(“What’s your deal with my hands?”
“Uh, I love them? Just look at them, they’re so beautiful.”
“… Shut up.”)
The turning point was when their second year of university started.
When Kim Taehyung met Jeon Jeongguk.
Jeongguk was, in Taehyung’s humble opinion, one of the cutest and most attractive people he had ever met.
He seemed shy at first, but soon warm up to Taehyung’s antics (they always did) and soon enough a new side of the younger came to light.
Jeongguk was funny, he was bright, talented, polite, sweet, and all around a really nice person and Taehyung’s heart doubled in speed whenever he was with the other boy and he knew early on that he had it bad already.
He was on cloud nine when he came home – it was Drama Wednesday – and he couldn’t wait to tell Jimin about Jeongguk and how he had already a solid plan on how to ask the other boy out. Maybe Jimin would even help him with his clothes or have some good tips too!
So he really did not expect to Jimin to stare at him in shock when he announced, “I wanna ask Jeongguk out, I have like the biggest crush on him, like you cannot believe how cute he is!”
Jimin had their popcorn in his hands and the bowl straight up slipped from his hands and fell onto the ground and Taehyung jumped up with a shriek and a, “what the hell”, trying to save their last portion of popcorn.
“Jiminnie! This was the last of it, we forgot to buy some last time! Ah, do we still have some chips?”
“Are- are you breaking up with me?”
“What?” Taehyung’s head whipped up and he stared at Jimin who still was just standing there, his eyes wide and tears pooling in his eyes.
“What are you even talking about?”
“Yo-you said you want to ask someone else out, yo-you s-said you have a crush on someone.” Taehyung watched in horror how a tear slipped down Jimin’s cheek and he quickly approached him, not really understanding what was even happening right now.
“Jiminnie, what’s going on? Just because I start dating doesn’t mean I will forget you. You’re my best friend. My bf.” Taehyung was reaching out to cup Jimin’s face, but his roommate took a step back and now the look on his was indescribable. His mouth was opened and his eyes almost empty. His bare feet stepped onto the popcorn spread onto their floor and he whispered, “best friend?” in a voice Taehyung had never heard before.
“Jimin? What-“
“Best friend?! Fuck off, Kim Taehyung. Fuck you!” Taehyung flinched as Jimin suddenly yelled at him, more tears pooling now and what the hell was even going on? He didn’t understand why Jimin was acting like this. Did his best friend not want him to see other people? But that didn’t make sense, Taehyung had plenty of friends and who was he to have any control over this anyway?
“Fuck me? What the fuck is going on with you? I thought you would be happy that I met someone I like! Instead you’re throwing some tantrum like what the fuck, Park Jimin?”
Jimin let out a heartless laugh at his words, his hand running through his hair and he walked past Taehyung, grabbing his phone and a sweater.
“Stay the fuck away from me.” And before Taehyung could even think of anything to say Jimin left the apartment and Taehyung was left with disappointment, anger, and crushed popcorn.
(“I missed you.”
“—“)
The very next day, Taehyung contacted Jeongguk and asked him out and a big part of it was just out of spite.
He was still angry and hurt by how Jimin had behaved and out of all people, Taehyung had thought Jimin would be the one to support him the most. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it, hadn’t wrecked his brain for an explanation on why things had turned out this way, but he really couldn’t come up with anything. So he had decided that Jimin was being a jerk and he would come back and apologize soon enough.
“He wants me to stay the fuck away, fine, whatever,” Taehyung mumbled to himself as he entered the small kitchen and for a moment he was stunned not to find his cereal and coffee ready, but remembered then that Jimin had always done that. Well, whatever he could do those things on his own he wasn’t an infant. Here he was, making his breakfast all by himself. He didn’t need Jimin to hold his hand through everything.
Still, his mood was ruined for the day and Taehyung most certainly did not wonder where Jimin had stayed for the night and if he was okay. He had decided to go, after all. Whatever.
He definitely didn’t worry the next day too when Jimin was still a no-show and Taehyung eyed the face masks in the bathroom when he got ready for bed, scoffing and trying to be still as angry as possible.
He rolled himself into his blanket like a burrito, pushing his face into the pillow and a weird and heavy feeling grew in his gut when he detected a hint of Jimin in it.
The bed was cold. The night was too.
(“I missed you.”
“—“)
The one thing Taehyung did look forward to was meeting Jeongguk. It was a welcoming distraction because, right now, Taehyung hated his own home. He hid his feelings from his parents, insisting how great everything still was though his parents probably knew something had to be up.
Taehyung had already given in yesterday and had tried to call Jimin only be directed to his mailbox. After ten calls, he gave in and left a short “Please call me back,” before sending a text with the same content for good measure. Jimin did not get back to him of course.
So yes, going to watch a movie and then some nice coffee with Jeongguk was just perfect and it really wasn’t that hard to smile when the younger one greeted him with a wide grin, showing his cute bunny-teeth that Taehyung couldn’t stop fussing over.
Talking to Jeongguk was easy. They had a lot of things in common and their way to the cinema was filled with all kinds of mindless talk which was nice considering how heavy his mind had been lately.
They were going to see the Deadpool movie and originally Jimin and him had been so excited to go together, but well… Jimin wasn’t here now.
And the movie was amazing. God, it was so good, he couldn’t even believe it. Both him and Jeongguk ended up pressed up next to each other, sharing their popcorn (the sweet one because Taehyung used to get salty popcorn but Jimin didn’t like it) and slapping their thighs in laughter.
They stayed seated through the credits, talking about their favorite scenes while waiting for the extra clip at the end of the movie, reliving all the amazing moments it had.
“Jimin and I played the video game for it together in anticipation for this movie. Have you played it? It’s amazing!”
“I have actually!” Taehyung got excited all over again and now that they started talking video games it was almost hard to shut up when the movie picked up again.
Taehyung left feeling really elevated and in a good mood, leading Jeongguk to his favorite coffee shop to get some cake and drinks, still talking about the movie, and Taehyung talked about all the Wolverine and Hugh Jackman hints, saying how Jimin and him hoped for a sequel with him in the movie too because they loved Wolverine and it would be just too amazing.
When they entered the shop, Taehyung took a deep breath, always loving the intense smell of fresh coffee and as he looked around, he saw no other than Namjoon and Seokjin at one of the tables.
“Ah, Jeonggukkie, there are two of my friends, do you mind if we say hi?” Jeongguk nodded and Taehyung took his hand (oh God, he did it, finally, he had wanted to do that all day) and pulled him along towards his hyungs.
“Hey guys!” The other two looked up to him and smiled as they recognized him before their eyes flickered to his hand that was still holding Jeongguk’s and both of their faces froze.
“Uh, hey Tae?” Taehyung tried not wonder why their greeting sounded more like a question and before he could even say anything, Jeongguk squeezed his hand and told him he would order for them already.
“Sure, I’ll wait for you here and then we’ll pick a seat.”
As soon as Jeongguk was gone, a hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him down with so much force that he almost fell face first into a table.
“Tae, what the fuck, who is that?” Tae shook off Namjoon’s hand, eyeing his wrist with a frown before glaring at his hyung.
“What kind of way is that to treat your favorite dongsaeng? Also, that’s Jeongguk, we’re on a date.” Both Namjoon and Seokjin stared at him with wide eyes and Seokjin honestly looked like his dog died.
“You… you and Jimin broke up?”
“What? Why are you bringing up Jimin?”
“Because,” Namjoon reached out again and this time pulled Taehyung down to sit next to him. “The two of you are the grossest couple in our circle of friends? You literally said shit like ‘we’re forever’ and so on.” Taehyung’s eyes grew so wide it was honestly surprising his eyes didn’t pop out and fall into Namjoon’s coffee. What.
“Jimin and I were never dating? Where did you even get that idea from?”
“Are you shitting me? You walk around and announce to everyone that Jimin is your boyfriend. ‘Look at Jimin, my bf.’ Like, you even tell people that don’t wanna know about it.” Taehyung looked between his two friends, his head still filled with an armada of question marks because why would anyone think they were dating? Honestly?
“Uh, yeah, Jimin is my bf. My best friend. B, f.” Taehyung waited for his hyungs understanding, waited for them to nod and say ‘of course!’ but all he got were horrified faces.
“Oh my God… Kim Taehyung… Please don’t tell me you think bf means best friend.”
“What? Of course it does, what else should it mean?” Seokjin looked at loss, mumbling out a tired sounding “oh boy,” and looking over to Namjoon for help.
“Taehyung… bf means boyfriend. Not best friend.”
“What?!” Taehyung’s voice travelled too far, too high and he honestly wanted to laugh at his friends because he knew it meant best friend, he wasn’t stupid. Of course it meant best friend. “No it does not.”
“Yes, it really does. Here watch this.” Namjoon turned to another table with a couple their age sitting there and cleared his throat to get their attention. “Sorry for bothering you, but do you know what ‘bf’ means?” The two of them nodded and simultaneously answered, “Yeah, boyfriend.”
A cold and sinking feeling overcame Taehyung, like someone had shoved a pound of ice cubes down his throat and he suddenly felt dizzy.
“But… but Jimin knew what I meant… right? He-he knew I meant best friend… right?” The look that greeted him on the other two men at the table could only be described as pity.
Taehyung wanted to throw up.
“So… so you’re telling me… all of you… and Jimin thought that we were dating? That we were an item?” The two of them nodded and all he could do was sink back into his seat and thank the Gods above that the line was so long and Jeongguk wasn’t back yet to witness his breakdown.
“Why didn’t anyone of you tell me!?” Taehyung cried, pushing himself forward again and grabbing Namjoon’s arms, nails biting into his skin so much that the older yelped and pulled away.
“How the fuck should we have known that you are this stupid? Also, the two of you looked so in love? You held hands, and confessed your love to each other? I even saw you kiss one time!”
“Yes, but that was all platonic! I cuddle with all of you! Of course I love Jimin, but as my best friend!” Namjoon buried his face into his hands and Seokjin leaned forward to put his hand onto Taehyung’s which was gripping his own knee now.
“Tae… Jimin loves you, but not as his best friend. He thought you two were in a relationship for almost a whole year.” Taehyung closed his eyes at his hyung’s words, his head falling back as he recalled the moment when he told Jimin about asking out Jeongguk and suddenly all of it made sense. The way Jimin was first shocked, then sad, and finally angry. When he found out that Taehyung had thought of him as a friend the whole time.
Jimin loved him. No, Jimin was in love with him. All this time, every touch and every kiss, every single word of affection, tickle, fight— every ‘I missed you more’ had only been there for Taehyung to take because Jimin was in love with him and Taehyung hadn’t even realized.
How much did he make Jimin wait? How much did Jimin wait for them to go further in their relationship? (And he wasn’t just talking about sex, they never even french kissed or anything.) Jimin had never pushed him for anything, had never asked. He must have waited for him.
Jimin had always been waited for him.
“I… I have to go, I have to talk to him.” Taehyung jumped up from his seat, his head dizzy from the revelation and he quickly ran up to Jeongguk to let him know.
“Jeonggukkie… I… I’m sorry something important… like an emergency came up and I have to- I have to go, I’m really sorry, I-“ It was hard to speak and to formulate any words and Jeongguk stepped out of the line and put his hand on Taehyung’s shoulder, his expression carrying worry.
“Are you okay, hyung?”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s gonna be fine, I just… I really have to go, again I am so sorry-“
“It’s fine, I understand. You look really upset. Call me if you need anything, okay? It was still a really fun day.” Taehyung’s heart felt heavy because Jeongguk was so kind to him and he promised himself that he would definitely call him.
As Taehyung ran out he didn’t even know where to go. Jimin wasn’t at home and he didn’t know where he was so when he still didn’t pick up the phone he tried calling everyone else they knew.
No one from his dance group knew where he was, Jimin hadn’t shown up to dance practice since Wednesday. He tried Hoseok next, Jimin was so close to him he just had to know, right? Taehyung dialed Hoseok’s number as he started walking, his insides still churning.
“Hyung, oh thank God you picked up! Do you know where Jimin is? I really need to talk to him, it’s really urgent and-and I can’t reach him, he’s not answering my calls or texts and he wasn’t at his dance practices and I-“
“Jimin is here. He has been staying with us since Wednesday.”
“What?!” Taehyung stopped in his tracks – he had been rushing towards home – and he ignored an annoyed shout from someone that almost ran into him. “Oh my God, thank God, okay, I’m coming over right no-“
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Taehyung.”
“Hyung, please. I… I know okay. I know why he is upset. I… I know what I did.” There was silence on the other line and Taehyung knew that Hoseok had put him down and was probably talking to Jimin himself now and the thought of Jimin to be almost there, to almost be able to hear his voice – it hurt him physically.
“Jimin wants to know if you went on that date.”
“I… yes, I did.” There was silence again and another sigh before Hoseok spoke up again.
“Don’t come here, Taehyung. Jimin needs time and distance. Please respect that.”
“Hyu-hyung please let me talk to him, let me hear his voice at least okay, he’s… he’s my best friend.”
“I’m sorry, Taehyung…” And he did sound sorry and Taehyung was glad that at least Hoseok didn’t seem to hate him now because he sure as hell hated himself a whole lot.
“Could you… could you tell him something at least? Could you… could you tell him I missed him?” Hoseok didn’t answer, just said goodbye and as soon as he hung up Taehyung couldn’t stop his tears.
(“I missed you.”
“—“
(“I missed you.”
“—“
“I miss you.”)
Taehyung hated the look of his room, couldn’t stand the feeling of his sheets, absolutely couldn’t even look at the kitchen.
It had been two weeks since Taehyung realized what he had done and he hadn’t heard nor seen of Jimin ever since. He kind of lived off ramen and takeout since he couldn’t cook for shit. He was behind on all his shows because he always forgot to download them and he didn’t find it in him to look them up and watch them alone.
He had troubles sleeping because he was cold at night and every morning when he woke up he opened his moth to say the three words, only to realize that he was alone.
The only good thing was that he still saw Jeongguk. Actually, the only time he wasn’t utterly depressed and filled with self-hate was when he spent time with the younger.
His other friends still met up with him, still talked to him and hung out, but they all reminded him of Jimin and how they couldn’t even meet up together with all of them now.
At least he knew Jimin was okay, that he was safe and he knew that Yoongi and Hoseok would take good care of him.
Whenever he saw the two of them he wanted to ask, just wanted to know if Jimin still allowed himself a cheat day. If someone was there to massage his calves so his legs wouldn’t hurt. If he ate waffles without him on Sundays. He just wanted to know anything at all, but he never asked and he wondered if he had lost him for forever and good.
But Jeongguk… Jeongguk was nice. He was able to make him laugh, to have his mind lifted from the constant strain of carrying the heavy load of what he had done. And he thought he was doing okay. He only ever thought of Jimin every other hour instead of every single free and busy second. He only remembered when Jeongguk mentioned a song Jimin liked to run to. When Jeongguk talked about Busan because both them grew up there. When Jeongguk slipped back into his satoori when he cursed or got too excited.
He thought he was doing okay.
“Hyung… Is Jimin your ex?”
“Wh— What? No! He is… he was my best friend…” Jeongguk frowned and stared at the game over screen on the TV before turning fully to face him.
“Okay… because you just… you look really sad. Like, heartbroken. And you talk about him all the time and it’s okay, honestly. At first I thought you wanted to go out with me, but I like being your friend.” Taehyung opened his mouth to retaliate, but his words got stuck in his throat because, yeah, while Taehyung did have a crush on him in the beginning and wanted to date him, the two of them only hung out as friends now and he enjoyed that too. Actually, his crush was pretty much all gone.
“Hyung… you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but… I’m here to listen.” Taehyung bit into his lips, debating if he should have Jeongguk know what an ass he actually was, but the way Jeongguk’s doe-eyes looked up at him so earnestly made him give him and made him want to tell him everything. Not just what happened, but also what he was feeling. He wanted to get it off his chest because he didn’t tell any of it to his other friends.
So he took a deep breath and started when he first met Jimin, how shy he had been at first. How they two of them had gotten together and then the tale of how Taehyung had done everything wrong.
When he finished, his mouth dry from talking nonstop, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Jeongguk, waited for judgement or anything like that. Instead he felt a hand on his shoulder, squeezing, and making him look up to Jeongguk smiling sadly at him.
“When you’re so miserable… why aren’t you going to him? Why aren’t you fixing it them?”
“How can I?” He leaned back, his back falling back onto the couch and a loud groan escaping him. “How can I when he thought we were boyfriends, but we never were.”
“But you love him, don’t you?” Taehyung sat up again, frowning.
“Of course I do, he is my best friend.”
“No, I mean… okay let’s try this.” Jeongguk cleared his throat and straightened his posture, obviously planning something. “Let’s play a little game. I’m going to give you a random word and you tell me the first thing that come into your mind, okay?”
“What- why should I-“
“Just do it, hyung, please trust me.”
“Okay, Mr Psych Major.” Taehyung didn’t really know if this game would get them anywhere when he was going through yet another of his Jimin-breakdowns again, but he would indulge him for now.
“Okay, Rasperry.” Taehyung smiled.
“Waffle Sunday. It’s Jimin’s favorite topping.”
“Cinema.”
“Cheese fingers! Jimin’s fingers always got cheese on them from the nachos.”
“Gym.”
“Cheat day. The only day Jimin would accept Nutella Kisses.”
“Nutel- Okay, I don’t even want to know…” Jeongguk hesitated for a second before leaning a little closer to him. “Home.”
Taehyung closed his eyes and his mouth spoke without thinking. “Jimin.”
“Hyung… hyung look at me.” Taehyung opened his eyes and Jeongguk reached over to take his hand. “Every single association was Jimin.”
“I- I just-“
“Tell me something. Could you live your life without him. For example, what if you found out Jimin would move to Europe never to come back, could you accept that?” Taehyung pulled away his hand, disliking whatever Jeongguk was doing and just the thought of Jimin so far away and forever gone made him sick.
“Of course not!”
“Why?”
“Because it’s Jimin!”
“Why?”
“Because we are a team.”
“Why?”
“Because… because…”
“Why, hyung?”
“Because I love him more than anything in this world okay? More than myself! Okay, that’s why! So stop asking me why!”
Taehyung’s breath was heavy and Jeongguk looked at him with a triumphant smile. Taehyung had started to cry at some point and his mind was racing with everything Jeongguk just had done, had made him say.
“I… I love him… I’m in love with him…”
“Yeah.”
(“I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I mis you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I mis you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I mis you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I mis you. I mis-“)
Taehyung’s fist pounded onto the door, his voice echoing through the entire hall. He knew that both Yoongi and Hoseok were out and he was praying to everything there was that Jimin was at home.
“Jimin! Jimin is me, open the door!” Taehyung glued his ear to the wood, listening for any sign of life and he did hear footsteps and the hyungs would open the door for him. Jimin wouldn’t. So he was there. Good.
“Jimin, please. I won’t leave, either way, even if you don’t open up, I will talk and then everyone will have to listen to it.” He waited, waited for more sounds maybe a movement or anything, but there was nothing. So be it.
“Alright, we’re doing it like that then. Fine. Okay. Okay listen, Park Jimin. You know I can’t talk well. You know that my brain gets all clusterfucked, and I get distracted by a fly that happens to come by, and sometimes it’s hard for me to find the right words. To say thing the way people would expect of me. Or just of anyone. In a way that people called normal and I realized— you, you always understood what I said. So much that I thought you could read my mind and that blindness, the naivety cost me—cost me everything. Cost me you. Because I hurt you because I am stupid because I don’t know what I am saying. I use concepts that I don’t really understand because I think they sound cool and this time… I hurt you so much. But it’s not just that.”
“I didn’t come here to talk about myself because I do this enough, I always think of myself. I came here because of you. Park Jimin, I know every single location of your moles and I love the one on your neck the most. You know that little crook you have in your front teeth? Yeah, love it a lot. I love how one of your eyes is a bit smaller than the other because you fucking slipped and fell and hit your toilet and had to get stitches when you were a child. I love that roar you let out when you are either angry or just trying to get out energy,” Taehyung’s voice breaks for a moment and he swallows, trying to gather himself and not fucking cry again. “I love the way you are shy at first, but when you open up you are so radiant like some bright ass lamp- what the fuck am I even saying, I am so bad at this, you’re not a lamp what the fuck is wrong with me- you… you are the sun! The fucking beautiful sun that is warm, and bright and beautiful. The star to outshine them all. And I just… I want to be with you. Like, fuck, leave me alone with the sun! And God,” he let his head fall forward, forehead clashing against the door, “God, God, God, I miss you so much. I miss you, Jimin. I miss you every single second I am not with you. You fill the moment in between my thoughts and I miss you. I miss you. I love you. I am in love with you. And I miss you. Please, Jimin, tell me do you miss me more? Do you miss me? Please, please Jimin, do you miss- d-do you miss me at all?”
There was silence, absolute silence and his broken sob broke through it and he was about to just turn around and run because he couldn’t take it. Could you die from feeling like this? Because he felt like it was happening right now.
There was a loud sound, a pull and suddenly he was wrapped in arms he knew so well, surrounded by a scent he wanted to get tattooed onto his brain, onto whatever part took care of memories and smelling, whatever, why was he even thinking about that when Jimin was embracing him, was crying, was crushing him, and how good that felt.
“Tae-Taehyung.” Jimin reached up to cup Jimin’s face, pulling back to stare at his face and how much he had longed to see this, how beautiful his Jimin was.
“I missed you, Jiminnie.”
“I missed you more… I missed you the most.”