Chapter Text
the young paul dirac was considered to be odd by many
he did not really care, per se
but as much as it pained him, as much as he tried to ignore it and push it back to the deepest depths of his mind, he wished that there was someone that would see him beyond his exterior
see inside of him
someone that could observe him at his fullest, down to his elusive, uncertain core
he would never admit it, but he deeply yearned for this
he yearned in his strange, unique way
had he figured out this is what he wanted? maybe not, perhaps
but the feelings are there nonetheless
he is making his way through the day, working diligently in the empty house, watching out the window every so often
the gentle song of a bird fluctuates in and out
göttingen is a beautiful city, he thinks
he sighs wistfully. he is lonely
he shoves the loneliness away, trying to block it out. he does not want to be distracted from his work
he decides that his draft was not up to his standards, puts his head down in frustration, and discards it
maybe he should clear his mind
as much as he loved his studies, sometimes they were really all too much
even for him
after all, at the end of the day, he was still just a person
even if he did not always feel like one.
~
he backs his chair away from the desk, standing up slowly
he sees the sun has started to set. an owl flies by.
pretty.
he gazes out the window for a while.
the moon is shining brightly
he smiles
he stretches, pulling the curtain back
he steals one last glance at the shimmering stars
are they all like that?
or are some of them different?
dark. hidden. yet always present, greatly affecting the space around them.
he knows the feeling.
as he shuts the curtain, he puts his feet into slippers
he walks to his bed. he sits down
it is right at that time when he hears the door open rather loudly
hmmm
his roommate must be home
he feels a strange sense of euphoria
he felt oddly relieved
he always felt happy when oppenheimer came home, sure
he quite enjoyed the company of his friend.
oppenheimer always respected his boundaries and treated him very nicely
but this time, (he supposes due to all the stress of overworking himself), he felt like a weight was lifted
maybe for once, a reclusive celestial body needs to fall into orbit with another
he goes out to greet oppenheimer
oppenheimer smiles widely.
"dirac! great to see you! how have you been?"
dirac shrugs with a slight smile. the usual.
"you look very tired. have you rested any?"
dirac mumbles a soft "no"
"working non stop again, i suppose?"
he nods
"take a rest, please."
oppenheimer's bright eyes stare directly in line with dirac's dark ones. the pull is like gravity.
no.
stronger.
magnetic.
he feels entranced.
like he cannot look away.
he has seen oppenheimer's eyes many times before, why is today any different?
he shudders slightly.
they were so pretty
"dirac? do you hear me?"
dirac whips his head around, rubbing his face.
he did not realise oppenheimer was still talking to him.
he feels embarrassed.
"dirac? are you okay? your face..."
"yes, i am okay... i just felt shameful for zoning out..."
he puts his hands behind his back anxiously
"so, what were you saying?"
oppenheimer grimaces
"well, i guess it does not really matter.
something about overworking yourself"
dirac turns his head away, not wanting to make eye contact with oppenheimer out of fear of staring at him again
his eyes were burning hot. the brightest blue surrounded by light white like the most intense of flames with a dark void in the center.
dirac feels jittery. he could look at oppenheimer's eyes for an eternity.
if the universe ended tragically, he would want this man's eyes to be the last thing he saw before every atom of his body was ripped apart
"come, dirac, let us walk outside. the sky is lovely tonight. also, the observatory is empty. would you like to go?"
a warmth grows in his chest. he had been on many walks with oppenheimer, but he felt like this was different.
"yes, i would."
dirac grabs his coat from the hook by the door, and they walk out together.
a cool breeze makes the tail of his coat shake slightly.
he puts his hands in his pockets.
oppenheimer looks at him, smiling. dirac is looking up at the stars.
for a brief moment, he lets one of his deeply hidden thoughts emerge.
it would be nice if oppenheimer held him. it was a bit cold tonight.
normally this does not bother him, but tonight he felt a chill.
"what are you thinking about, paul?"
how does he answer this? it would be wrong to say! but it feels wrong to lie, as well.
he says nothing.
he looks over at oppenheimer for a moment. the reflection of the moon illuminates his bright eyes, creating a hypnotic white shine.
dirac shuts his eyes and nervously grabs oppenheimer's arm, pulling very close to him
too close, maybe? he does not know.
"paul, what is wrong?"
"nothing. just very cold..."
"i see"
oppenheimer puts his arm around dirac's shoulder
they are in a bound state now. equal, yet opposite.
"oppie?"
oppenheimer realises he has never heard dirac use such a nickname for him before.
"yes?"
"is it strange i want you to hold me..."
oppenheimer's bright eyes widen. his lip drops. his face pinkens a little bit.
"not at all, dirac."
he pulls dirac in closer.
dirac's heartrate has increased exponentially
what has he gotten himself in to?
oppenheimer leads dirac into the observatory. it is an absolutely beautiful building
dirac pauses to admire the charts and visuals on the wall
oppenheimer grabs his hand, causing dirac to freeze up.
"come on, the telescope is up there."
"yes, i am sorry..."
he anxiously follows. his hand feels odd now. oppenheimer's hand was very soft.
they climb up stairs, reaching the top. inside a glass dome, there lives an elegant telescope.
the observatory room is quite comfortable, dirac decides
he likes the wide viewing area. he sits down on a cushion.
from this high up, he can see the entire university, lakes, woods, and more.
oppenheimer sits next to him.
they lie down, looking up through the glass.
oppenheimer reaches towards dirac's hand
even the most elusive of objects have someone to discover them when they are ready
dirac stares in awe as a meteorite burns up.
he has never seen one before.
tonight must be special.
he was glad that he decided to stop working.
oppenheimer tilts his head
"i hope it is not wrong that i want to kiss you."
dirac says nothing
oppenheimer sits up, before gently lowering his head to dirac's trembling lips.
he slowly presses his mouth onto the other man's
dirac's dark eyes widen immensely, absorbing all the surrounding light
oppenheimer lifts his mouth up. dirac feels like his heart just went supernova
he has never experienced this before
it was so lovely
dirac feels a warmth radiating his body
he never wanted this moment to end
"was that alright, dirac?"
dirac stares.
"y-yes..."
oppenheimer lowers his mouth again. dirac kisses back this time.
awkwardly, but still affectionately.
oppenheimer rolls to his side, pulling dirac over to him
they are facing each other again
they clasp hands, dirac's long fingers intertwining with oppenheimer's clumsy ones
the night is perfect
~~~
dirac wishes it would never end
~~~