Work Text:
Broken Memories
Tears fell from my eyes. My breath was labored. Glass and broken items littered the floor. I fell to my knees in the middle of the room,
landing ungracefully on the floor, surrounded by broken memories of when my life had meaning. There was only one thing on my mind.
It should have been me...
*****
Everything was looking up for me. I just graduated from college and I just got a new job at a local family run restaurant. Plus Marley and I finally finished unpacking everything into our new apartment. I could finally live my life the way I wanted. Little did I know that in a month my happiness would be taken away from me.
*****
I entered the restaurant and headed to the back to punch in.
"Hey, Jenn. How are you today?" Katie asked. Katie was another waitress that normally worked mornings.
"I'm pretty good, thanks. How about you?"
"I'm pretty tired actually. It was a really early morning," she yawned and grabbed a bag of buns from one of the shelves.
I headed out onto the floor and put my purse in the station. I pulled out my waitress apron from my purse and wrapped it around my waist before tying it in the back. I put my long blonde hair up in a ponytail with the elastic on my wrist and then looked around the restaurant to see how busy it was. The hostess sat a few people in my section and I headed over to get their drink orders. Just five more hours and I'll be done.
*****
The time slowly ticked by until I was finally able to leave. I headed back to my station after cleaning off a couple tables and dumped my tip jar onto the counter so I could count how much I made. I made about one hundred dollars, which wasn't too bad. It was good to have a bit of extra money. As I was putting the change and bills back into the jar, I looked up and noticed Marley come into the restaurant. She stood in the doorway for a second before spotting me across the restaurant. I waved at her and she headed over. She had a big smile on her face. Her brown hair was up in a messy bun and she was still wearing her black yoga pants and yellow tank top. Her small black bag hung over her left shoulder.
"What are you doing here?" I questioned as I quickly cleaned up the station.
"Just finished my yoga class. I came to see if you were still working," she adjusted the bag on her shoulder.
"You're in luck, I'm just about to punch out." I took off my waist apron and put my tip jar in my purse. She smiled at me before checking her watch.
"Wanna stop for coffee on our way home?" she asked and I simply nodded.
"I could use some coffee right now," I said as I yawned. I had been up early to get ready for my shift. I really needed to stop taking extra shifts, especially morning shifts. Getting up before nine is not something I've been able to do very well. All through college I found it hard to get up for my nine o'clock classes. I'd always show up ten minutes late with a coffee in one hand and a breakfast sandwich in the other.
"I'll wait for you out front."
Marley turned and made her way between the tables towards the doors. I quickly cleaned up my station and headed into the back room to punch out. After punching out I said goodbye to some of my coworkers and headed out front to meet up with Marley. The sun was shining bright and I had to shield my eyes from it as I stepped outside. The sun warmed my skin and I sighed. I've always been a summer over winter kinda person. I'd take a hot day at the beach over a cold day tobogganing anytime. I reached into my purse and pulled out my sunglasses. Once I had them on, my eyes began to adjust.
"Shall we go get that coffee?" I asked and Marley simply nodded.
"There's a new coffee shop that just opened down the block, did you want to check it out?" I asked as we started walking down the sidewalk, quickly falling into step with each other.
"I'd be up for it. I'm always up to trying something new."
That was one thing I loved about Marley. She was always trying new things. From new food recipes to new workout routines. She was always finding news ways to do things. I, on the other hand, was too set in my ways to try new things. We headed down the street and as we stopped at a red light I remembered that she never told me about the date she went on last night.
"So, how did your date go with Justin last night?" I asked as the lights changed and we began to walk across the street. Marley blushed and I couldn't help but smile.
"He was really nice and he acted like such a gentleman," she said as she started to ramble on about where they went and how good the food was. It made me smile knowing that she was so happy. She deserved it. She went through a few hard breakups during college and I was really glad that she was happy. I'd only met Justin once and that was when he came to pick her up yesterday evening.
"I'm glad you're happy," I smiled and the smile that crossed Marley's face made me feel warm inside.
We went down a few more streets, chatting aimlessly about whatever came to mind before the coffee shop came into view. It just opened a month ago and I had been dying to go try it out. I heard a lot about how good it was from some of my friends. It wasn't until we were nearing the corner where the coffee shop was that we heard the police sirens. I turned and looked around, but didn't see any police cars coming our way so I thought nothing of it. The coffee shop had a big colorful sign above the door that said "Big Ben's Cup'O'Joe". I thought that it was a bit of an odd name, but it was different. All the windows were covered with paintings about the place so we couldn't really see inside. I opened the glass door and walked inside with Marley following close behind. A bell rang when the door shut and I couldn't help but smile. I always loved those doors that made noise when you entered and exited. One of my mottos for life was to enjoy the little things in life because you never know when something will happen.
Once we were inside, Marley and I walked towards the front counter, admiring all the cool retro antiques and items that filled the little shop. A young girl, no older than eighteen, greeted us from behind the counter.
"Welcome to Big Ben's Cup'O'Joe, what can I get for you today?" She asked politely with a smile when Marley and I reached the counter.
Marley and I studied the menu for a few moments before Marley stepped up to order. She was about to order when the doorbell rang again. I couldn't help but look back to see who was entering. My heart immediately started to race when I saw two men clad in black, walk in with guns in their hands, half hidden by their long sleeves. I froze. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't look away. I reached over slowly and grabbed Marley's arm in a tight, but not hurtful grip, hoping to get her attention without bringing too much attention to ourselves.
"Marley," I whispered, just loud enough for her to hear, and she immediately noticed my panicked state when she turned to look at me. She looked to where I was looking and I saw her freeze as well. Suddenly the man on the right raised his gun and pointed it right at us. My heart dropped and I couldn't move. I was frozen to the spot in fear. The sound of screaming filled the air as people began to duck and hide as fast as they could.
"Look out!" I heard as I was suddenly being pushed out of the way. A series of gun shots rang out and the sound of shattering glass filled my ears. I stumbled and fell down to my knees before I turned to see Marley fall to the floor beside me. My eyes widened as I watched Marley fall. I immediately went to her side and that was when I noticed what happened. Her yellow tank top was slowly being soaked in blood and I felt tears come to my eyes as I watched her face contort in pain. I looked up to see the two gunmen coming towards the front so I quickly grabbed Marley under her shoulders and pulled her out of the way. I pulled her behind one of the tables as fast as I could so I could get her out of harm's way. At this point I didn't care about myself. The only thing on my mind was to help Marley.
"Oh my god Marley," I said shakily as I looked her over and saw that she had a bullet wound just below her collarbone on her right side and there was a large red blood spot forming on her yellow tank top. I gently lifted up her tank top to see a bullet wound on her left side just below her ribcage. At this point i was so focused on Marley that I stopped paying attention to the robbery that was taking place barely three meters from where we were hiding.
"I'm ok," Marley mumbled out as she tried to sit up, but I quickly pushed her back to keep her from hurting herself even more.
"No, you're not. You've just been shot," I said softly so as not to attract attention to ourselves.
"You pushed me out of the way. Why?" I asked as I tried to keep myself from crying.
"You're my best friend, I didn't want you to get hurt," she mumbled out and I grabbed her hand. I couldn’t believe that she would do that for me. We always said that we’d take a bullet for each other, but I didn’t realize that she meant it literally.
“I can’t believe you would do that,” I mumbled out shakily as tears began to fall down my cheeks. I watched as Marley's breathing slowly started to become short and uneasy.
“It was worth it, for you,” she said softly as her eyes slowly started to close.
“Marley. Look at me. Stay with me,” I whispered anxiously as I realized that she was losing blood fast. It was then that I heard the police sirens again, but this time they were louder and it sounded like they were headed this way. I looked up to see the two men looking around with paranoid expressions on their faces. They quickly took the bag that the cashier was filling with money and darted out of the shop.
“Hold on Marley, help is on its way. Just stay with me,” I mumbled out as I squeezed Marley’s hand. More tears fell from my eyes as I watched my best friend bleed out right in front of me. Suddenly a middle aged man rushed over to us with a cloth.
“I’m a doctor. We need to try and stop the bleeding until the ambulance gets here,” he said confidently and I immediately trusted him. He lifted up Marley’s tank top to reveal the bullet wound on her stomach and he quickly placed the folded up cloth over the wound. I watched as Marley’s face contorted in pain and she tried to squirm away which made me cry even more.
“It’s ok Marley, just hang in there. You’re gonna be ok,” I said reassuringly, but in this moment it wasn’t just for her to know. Hearing myself say that helped make me believe that everything was gonna be ok.
“Hold this, and keep pressure on it. I’m gonna get another cloth,” the doctor said as he left to go get another cloth. I quickly put pressure on the wound and I felt horrible as I watched Marley’s face tighten in pain.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled out as the doctor came back with a second cloth. He placed it on her shoulder and I watched as her breathing became labored with each passing minute. I thanked the man and once he knew that I had everything under control he left our side to go help someone else. Marley opened her eyes and her eyes wandered around the room before landing on me. Tears fell from her eyes as she stared at me. I knew she was in a lot of pain and I felt absolutely horrible.
“This is all my fault,” I whispered as tears continued to fall from my eyes.
“No, it’s not,” she said softly and our eyes met. Her brown eyes stared into my blue ones and she reached out her arm. Her hand caressed the side of my face and I felt my heart break even more.
“If I hadn’t suggested we come here then you wouldn’t be like this. You’d be fine and we’d be at home watching your stupid food shows while I fail to make us lunch,” I choked out as my throat closed from crying so hard. I looked up and saw an ambulance pull up outside. My spirits rose a bit when I saw the paramedics get out of the vehicle. Marley was gonna be ok.
“They’re here Marley, everything’s gonna be ok,” I said confidently as the doctor led the paramedics over to us with a stretcher. He was telling them about what happened and then he started talking in medical terms that I didn’t really understand nor care about.
“Miss, we’re gonna need you to back up so we can help her,” one of the paramedics said as they knelt down beside Marley. I simply nodded as I slowly left Marley’s side. I didn’t want to leave her but I didn’t want to get in the paramedics way. I watched as the two paramedics worked quickly to get the wounds bandaged before they lifted her onto the stretcher.
“Jenn,” Marley mumbled as they began to wheel her towards the ambulance and I quickly grabbed our bags and ran to her side. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly in mine.
“I’m right here. Everything’s gonna be ok. You’re gonna be fine,” I said reassuringly as she looked up at me. We reached the ambulance and I let go of her hand as they lifted the stretcher into the ambulance. As they were lifting Marley into the ambulance another ambulance pulled up and three paramedics climbed out with two more stretchers. I climbed into the ambulance with Marley and sat down on the bench next to the stretcher. I watched as they connected an IV to her and attached a heart monitor to her among other things that I didn't recognize. Once they did everything they could, one of the paramedics turned to me and started to look me over.
"Are you hurt at all?" he asked as he checked my heartbeat with a stethoscope for a few seconds.
"I'm fine," I said softly as he stepped back and put some stuff away.
"Jenn," I immediately looked up at the sound of my name. I looked over and saw Marley looking over at me with half lidded eyes. I quickly moved beside her and grabbed her hand.
"I'm right here, Marley."
"Call my parents," she said weakly and I nodded as I squeezed her hand again.
"Of course. I will once we get to the hospital."
"Jennifer, you know you're my best friend, right?" she asked as she squeezed my hand softly and I felt tears coming to my eyes again.
"I just want you to know that I love you. And tell my parents that I love them. Just in case I don't make it," more tears fell from her eyes and her voice shook as she spoke. She coughed a few times between each sentence and her voice became softer with each word.
"I love you too. Please don't say that. You're gonna be ok. You're gonna get to tell them yourself," I said as I tried to keep control of my emotions. I don't know what I'd do without her around. She has to make it through this. She squeezed my hand again and I wiped away her tears with my free hand before placing a kiss on her forehead as I silently prayed for her to make it through this. I felt the vehicle stop and I sat back as the two paramedics opened the back doors and pulled Marley out of the vehicle. I climbed out of the vehicle and grabbed Marley's hand again as they quickly wheeled her into the hospital. As we were going through the hospital the paramedics started yelling things at the nurses and doctors that I didn't really understand, but all I knew was that they were going to help Marley. As we were going down a really long hallway I felt Marley squeeze my hand again, making me look down at her. She was starting to look deathly pale from blood loss and I began to really worry about her.
"You're gonna be ok," I said softly as I tried to control my tears. I was suddenly grabbed by a nurse and she tried to pull me away from Marley.
"Miss, I'm gonna have to ask you to wait in the waiting room. You can't go in here," the nurse said quickly and Marley's hand slowly slipped through my fingers, possibly for the very last time.
"Marley!" I called as the doctors took over and wheeled Marley through two large doors. I didn't want to leave Marley, but I knew that I wasn't allowed in the operating room. The nurse held me back as I tried to push my way towards the door, but she was strong. I stopped resisting as through the windows in the doors I watched the doctors wheel her into a room down the hall.
"Please be ok," I whispered more to myself since I knew Marley couldn't hear me as more tears fell down my cheeks. I wiped away my tears and let the nurse lead me to the closest waiting room. There was only a few people waiting there when I got there. An elderly man was sleeping in the corner in one of the chairs, a couple sat by the wall farthest from the door holding hands, and a mother and her son sat in the corner across from the old man.
"The surgery may take a few hours so make yourself comfortable, there's a bathroom just down the hall and there's a couple vending machines just a bit farther than the bathroom if you’re hungry," the nurse pointed down the hall. I simply nodded before turning to face her. I noticed her looking down and it was only when I looked down did I notice all the blood. Marley's blood.
"Let's get you cleaned up, ok?" She asked softly as she began to lead me down the hall to the bathroom. She stopped outside and gently pushed the door open for me.
"Thank you," I mumbled out as I turned back to look at her, holding the door open with my back.
"If you have any questions, the information desk is down the hall to the left," she said before heading back down the hall. I entered the bathroom and was thankful that it was empty. I moved over to the sinks and looked down. My hands shook as I held them out in front of me. My palms were red, stained with Marley's blood. I spent twenty minutes frantically scrubbing with soap and hot water. My hands were clean within five minutes, but I just kept on scrubbing, wanting to be rid of that awful image of what I just witnessed. When I finally snapped out of it, my skin was raw and a harsh pink color. I stared down at my hands and balled them into fists, digging my nails into my palms almost wanting them to bleed. To replace Marley's blood with mine. I'd do anything to be in her place. I let out a long exhale and tried to compose myself. I immediately looked up as the door opened and in walked a woman who reminded me of Marley's mom. Marley's mom. I quickly went out into the hall and pulled my phone out of my purse. With shaking fingers I opened my phone and pulled up Marley's parent’s home contact. I clicked the call button and put the phone to my ear. I took a deep breath to try and calm my breathing as I wiped my cheeks again with my free hand. I heard the dial tone in my ear and with each ring my heart rate increased. After four rings I heard someone pick up on the other line and Marley's mom's voice filled my ear.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Mrs. Jenson," I said in the calmest voice I could, but I knew that Marley's mom would immediately pick up on my pain.
"Are you ok, Jennifer? Is something wrong?" She asked softly and I could tell that she was concerned.
"It's Marley," I said simply as I tried to keep calm, but it was getting hard to control my tears with each second that went by.
"What about Marley? Is she ok?" I could hear her concern clear in her voice.
"There was an accident, Marley's been shot," I mumbled out and my voice cracked right at the end.
"Oh my god! When did this happen?!"
"I'm at the hospital right now. Marley just went into surgery. You need to come down here right now. I'm in the waiting room closest to the emergency entrance."
"We're on our way." And with that, the line disconnected. I put my phone away and took a few minutes to try and calm myself down before I walked back into the waiting room. I sat down close to the door and sat down my purse and Marley's bag in the chair next to me. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. Everything was finally going well. I never imagined that I would be sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting to see if my best friend would live another day. It felt like my world was slowly crumbling beneath me. I sat in silence with nothing but my thoughts to keep me occupied. Every time someone walked by I would look up, hoping to see the doctor coming to tell me that Marley would be ok. After fifteen agonizingly long minutes I heard shuffled feet coming down the hallway and when I looked up, I saw Marley's parents appear in the doorway. I immediately stood up and took in the concerned expressions on their faces. I couldn't imagine what they must be thinking right now. When Mrs. Jenson saw me she immediately came over to me and gave me a hug.
"Jennifer. What happened?" She asked softly when she pulled away and she had tears forming in her eyes. Mr. Jenson looked calm but you could tell that he was really concerned as he took his wife's hand in his. I took a deep breath to try and calm my breathing before speaking.
"Me and Marley went to the new coffee shop, Big Bens Cup'O'Joe, after my shift. We got there and while Marley was ordering I turned around to see two men walk in. I immediately noticed that they were hiding guns in their sleeves," I recalled as I thought back to the situation. I took another deep breath and tried to keep myself from crying as I continued talking.
"I got Marley's attention and just after she turned around the two men started shooting," I choked out as I started crying again.
"Oh my god," Mrs. Jenson cried as her hands moved up to cover her mouth. Tears started falling down her cheeks and Mr. Jenson pulled her into a hug.
"Marley pushed me out of the way. She saved my life, but she got shot by doing so," I managed out as I started to lose control of myself again. Mr. Jenson gently grabbed my arm and pulled me into his embrace. Over the past few years I had gotten pretty close to Marley's family, just like how she had gotten close to mine. He began rubbing my back as I cried into his shoulder.
"She's in surgery right now, they told me that it might be a few hours before she's out," I said once I composed myself and stepped out of Mr. Jenson's embrace.
"She also told me to tell you that she loves you both, just in case something does happen," I mumbled out softly and this made Mrs. Jenson start crying again. Mrs. Jenson sat down in the chair beside our bags and grabbed Marley's bag. She held it tightly in her hands and Mr. Jenson sat down in the chair next to her. I think Mrs. Jenson just needed something to hold onto to help her believe that Marley would be ok. I moved my purse and sat down in the chair it had originally been sitting on. I pulled out my phone and checked the time. 4:10. I put my phone away and tried to think of anything to take my mind off my negative thoughts.
The minutes slowly ticked by. No one said anything. No amount of small talk would make the situation better. I lost track of time, thinking back to the memories Marley and I shared. Our first class together where I accidentally spilled coffee on her and we spent the rest of the class talking about ourselves instead of paying attention to the professor. Our second year in college when we both bombed a biology midterm and drank the night away in my dorm while watching our favorite musicals, hers Mamma Mia and mine The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Third year when I broke my leg and she spent two months looking after me until I could walk without crutches. All those good memories from college that I never gave a second thought about until now. So many times when she looked after me while I was sick or hurt even though she didn't have to, and I'd return the favor by buying her coffee or taking her out for dinner at our favorite restaurant in town. I kept praying and praying for Marley to make it through the surgery. After an hour went by I couldn't cry anymore. I had cried all my tears. Every fifteen minutes that went by I got more and more paranoid. There was so many things that could go wrong. I didn't want to think about losing my best friend, but given the circumstances I knew that there was a greater chance of her not coming out of this. Another hour went by and by now the older man had left and a woman came and took the little boy. The woman stayed for a few minutes to talk with the boy's mother and from just listening in I found out that she was the woman's sister.
Mr. and Mrs. Jenson talked quietly with each other while I tried my best to keep myself occupied with the games on my phone, but I couldn't concentrate very well. I looked up at the clock on the wall and let out a sigh. 6:20. I watched the second hand slowly make its way around the clock. Each little ticking sound echoed in the quiet room. It felt like time was going so slow. It was driving me mad. I looked up from my feet and looked out the door of the waiting room. My heart jumped as I looked up. Coming down the hall towards the waiting room was a male doctor and the nurse that escorted me to the waiting room when I got here. I immediately stood up, catching Mr. and Mrs. Jenson's attention. My heart was beating wildly as I prayed that they had good news for us. When the nurse and the doctor stepped into the room I stepped forward towards them which caused Mr. and Mrs. Jenson to jump up from their seats.
"Well?" I asked nervously as I stared at their faces, trying to figure out what they were about to say before they said it.
"Are you the parents?" the nurse asked Mr. and Mrs. Jenson and they simply nodded.
"Is our daughter ok?" she asked nervously. Her voice shook as she tried to keep control, but I could tell that she was close to her breaking point. There was a pause where no one spoke. It only lasted fifteen seconds at most, but for us it felt like an eternity.
"I'm so sorry, but she didn't make it off the table. We weren't able to stop the bleeding in time. She had already lost a lot of blood before we got to her," The doctor said with sympathy in his voice. I froze. It felt like time stood still. I couldn't believe it. Mrs. Jenson's cries filled my ears as she started crying in Mr. Jenson's chest. I felt like someone just kicked me in the chest. This couldn't be true. My best friend, my Marley.
"No," I gasped out softly as my hands moved up to cover my mouth. The tears slowly started to form in my eyes as the news sunk into my brain.
"One of the bullets was embedded so deep into her stomach that she passed from blood loss before we could get it out. She was very strong. Most people with wounds like hers don't even make it to surgery," the doctor said to Mr. Jenson who simply nodded.
"She's in a better place now," Mr. Jenson said as he rubbed Mrs. Jenson's back in an attempt to try and comfort her, but I could tell that he was hurting too. They just lost their only daughter. I couldn't imagine how they were feeling.
"I'm very sorry for your loss," the nurse said sympathetically before taking one last look at me and left with the doctor. That was all it took. The tears started falling as it all became real. I slowly walked back over to my chair and collapsed into it. Heartbreaking sobs shook my body. My elbows rested on my knees as I put my head in my hands to try and hide my tears. This couldn't be happening to me. I couldn't be losing my best friend. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was never supposed to end like this. We were supposed to grow old together and we would be the favorite aunts of each other’s children. But that dream is forever only gonna be a dream that never happened because someone decided to end her life before it was time. I looked over to see Mr. and Mrs. Jenson crying on each other’s shoulders over the death of their daughter. It was a heartbreaking sight. I've never seen Mr. Jenson cry, and I never thought I would.
I don't know how long I sat there, mourning the loss of my closest friend. But after a while a man came into the room and began talking to Marley's parents. I watched as the man led Marley's parents out of the room and down the hall, out of my line of sight. I wiped away my tears from my cheeks and blew my nose with a tissue from my purse before getting up from my seat to go find the bathroom again. I walked down the hall slowly, still not wanting to believe that I had just lost someone so close to me. I passed the public bathroom and found a private family bathroom not too much farther. I stepped inside and locked the door behind me. When I looked in the mirror on the wall, I froze. I looked horrible. My eyes were red and puffy, my hair was a mess, my nose was running, and I just didn't look like myself. I turned on the cold tap and cupped my hands under the running water. I splashed my face with the cold water and it immediately woke me up a bit. I then took some paper towel and wiped off my face before blowing my nose. I then fixed my hair before I stared at my reflection.
My lips formed a frown and I knew that I couldn't muster up the strength to smile. I didn't want to even think of how I could be happy right now. Once I composed myself I left the bathroom and decided to head home. There really wasn't any reason why I needed to stay at the hospital. I headed down the hall back towards the waiting room and then walked past it towards the doors where I had entered the building. Once I stepped outside, I felt my mood lower even more. Over the course of the past two hours a large group of grey clouds had rolled in and it had started raining. It wasn't pouring, but it was enough to get you really wet if you stayed outside for too long. But in this moment, I really didn't care about a little rain. It was the least of my worries. I couldn't help but think that the weather portrayed my mood perfectly. And with that thought, I stepped out from the protection of the hospital's doors.
The rain felt cool against my skin, but I didn't really notice it as I made my way through the streets towards my apartment. I watched as people ran from place to place to avoid the rain, I watched as people walked with big brightly colored umbrellas to protect them from the rain, and I even saw a few young kids running around and laughing in their raincoats and rain boots, but I didn't really focus on them. It took me an hour to walk back to my apartment building and by that time I was soaked from head to toe. I was shivering a bit as I entered the building, but I didn't care. I immediately headed to the elevator and pressed the button. I was dreading going into my apartment since I knew that I would probably get emotional seeing all of Marley's things, but I had nowhere else to go so I had to deal with it. The elevator dinged and for once I was happy that no one was on it. I quickly stepped on, pressed the button for my floor, and watched as the door slid shut. I then let out a sigh as the elevator took me up to my floor. Once the door opened I stepped off and headed down the hall to my apartment.
I stopped in front of my apartment and took my time searching through my purse for my key. When I found it, I pulled it out and unlocked the door, but I didn't open it. I just stood there for a second, staring down at my feet as I tried to brace myself for what was to come. It would feel really different not having Marley around and I wasn't sure how I'd handle it, but there really wasn't anything I could do about it. I took a deep breath before turning the door handle and opening the door. I stepped into the foyer of our apartment and shut the door softly behind me, leaving me in darkness. I debated on even turning on the light, but I knew that I needed it so I reluctantly turned it on. I blinked a few times to get used to the light before kicking off my shoes onto the shoe rack. I stepped into the living room and sat my purse down on the coffee table. A small amount of water seeped out of it, but I didn't bother to clean it up. I just took all of my essentials out of it that I didn't want to stay wet like my phone, wallet, and keys. It was then that I realized just how uncomfortable it was to be wearing wet clothes so I decided to get changed into my pajamas. With downcast eyes I headed down the hall towards my room. I didn't want to look at any of the pictures hanging on the walls because I didn't want to start crying again.
When I reached the end of the hall, I slowed to a stop as I looked at Marley's bedroom door. It was slightly ajar and I quickly pulled it shut. I knew that I would never step foot in there again. It would be too painful. I stood in the hall for a few minutes with my hand still on the door handle, almost reluctant to let go, for fear of losing Marley completely. I knew it was for the best though as I slowly let go of the door handle and entered my room, shutting the door behind me. I took a deep breath before going over to my closet to grab a clean pair of clothes to change into. I pulled out a pair of baggy pants, a really baggy shirt, and a fresh pair of underwear and tossed them onto my bed. I then began to task of peeling away each layer of soaking wet fabric from my cold, shivering body. It took about five minutes to take off all my wet clothing and, once it was all off, I felt warmer and I stopped shivering. I quickly pulled on my dry clothes and let out a sigh as warmth began to fill my body. My fingers and toes started to lose their numbness and I was finally made aware of my hunger as my stomach growled loudly in the silence. I slipped on my fuzzy slippers and made the trek out of my room towards the kitchen.
I opened the fridge and was met with very little selection. We hadn't been grocery shopping in a while. There was milk, cheese, apples, some leftover pasta, some condiments, some pudding cups, and some half empty water bottles. I ended up going for the pasta which I heated up in the microwave. Eating alone at the small table only made me feel worse as I stared at the spot that sat empty where Marley would normally sit. I tried to push my mind from it as I put the quickly emptied Tupperware container in the sink. I looked over at the clock on the oven and saw that it was only 7:45, and as much as I felt tired I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep anytime soon so I decided to go and sit on the couch to watch some TV. I naturally turned it onto the news channel as I got comfortable on the couch. After a few minutes the story changed and the headline immediately had me listening to every word.
"Earlier today, two gunmen robbed Big Ben's Cup'O'Joe, a local coffee shop that opened recently. There was gunfire which caused a lot of property damage and left two civilians injured with gunshot wounds and one with serious injuries who was taken to the local hospital, but was pronounced dead merely hours after," the news lady said and I had to take a few deep breaths to keep myself from crying.
"Police arrived just in time to catch the two men as they were making their escape. They chased the two men in a silver car for four blocks before the car swerved into a ditch which left the two men on foot. Police quickly apprehended them and they are now awaiting trial for second degree murder and two degrees of attempted murder and theft," the male news anchor said which made me feel a little bit better knowing that they had been caught and would pay for what they did, but it wouldn't bring my Marley back.
"Our news reporter Sarah Harp, is down on the scene with the owner, Benjamin Hopper," the news lady said and Sarah Harp appeared on screen. She was talking with Ben outside the shop and it looked like the area was sectioned off by bright yellow police tape. I quickly changed the channel, not wanting to see that store. I didn't want to be reminded of what happened. It was already burned into my memory. I flipped through the channels until I found something that was interesting, but I didn't really pay attention to it. It became background noise as I stared out the glass doors to our balcony at the grey sky. It felt as if there was this emptiness inside me that was slowly eating me up inside. I couldn't help but look around at our living room. It was full of memories that I would never forget.
I looked over at the coffee table that was beside the armrest of the couch and realized that I should probably do something about my soaking wet purse so I got up and grabbed my purse off the table, accidentally knocking something over in the process. The sound of something hitting the floor caught my attention and I set my purse on the kitchen counter before I turned around to see what it was. I walked back over to the couch and saw a small picture frame lying face down on the floor. My heart started to beat up slightly as I slowly reached down to grab it. I picked it up and turned it over only to feel my heart break. The picture in the frame was of me and Marley at our graduation ceremony. The sun was out and it was a beautiful day surrounded by friends and family. Marley had her arm around my shoulders while mine was wrapped around her waist. Her long black gown was parted enough to see the knee length magenta sundress she was wearing underneath. She absolutely adored that dress. Her cap sat crooked on top of her brown hair that was swaying in the wind, but she didn't care. We were both laughing at a joke I had made, unaware of my mother taking our picture. We both looked so happy and carefree. We were finally done with college. All our years of hard work finally paid off. We basically became sisters. We did everything together after our first year together in college. I never thought that one day she'd be gone. If only I knew what the future held. I wish I could go back to that day knowing what I know now. Maybe then Marley would still be here, and I wouldn't be all alone in our shared apartment. Tears began to form in my eyes as I stared at our smiling faces. It was hard to believe that barely two months ago we had been in school still without a care in the world. I sat back down on the couch and hugged the picture to my chest as I let all my emotions come out. Sobs shook my body as I cried over the loss of my best friend. In that moment I didn't care about anything. All I cared about was Marley, and now she was gone, just like that, and I couldn't bring her back.
*****
The next few days were hard to get through. I didn't have the heart to smile or laugh, not even at work. I'm sure that everyone noticed my mood shift over the past couple days. Nothing felt the same without Marley there to brighten it up with her bright bubbly personality. Her jokes could make anyone laugh and her laugh itself was something that made me smile. Not hearing it around the apartment was slowly tearing me apart inside. It hurt being in our apartment every day without her there. I constantly miss her. Everything is different now. I miss waking up to the sound of Marley singing in the shower, I miss her constant rants about my unhealthy eating habits, I miss hearing her healthy tips of the day, and I even miss her hogging the TV to watch the Food Network. I miss everything about her, and that’s the worst part. Everything reminds me of her. I don’t think I’ve cried so much in so little time.
I’ve only been to work for two shifts since Marley’s death, but my boss has already come and asked me about what was going on. She was really worried about me, but I told her that I was fine. I didn’t want her to worry about me. Justin, the guy that Marley had been seeing, came over one day and it hurt to have to break the news to him, but he had to know. He looked really sad when he left and I couldn’t help but feel really bad for him. The local police came over at one point as well. They wanted to know what happened from my point of view. I told them all the truth as best I could, but I really didn't want to even think about the horrible situation that would be forever burned into my memory, let alone talk about it in great detail. They thanked me for my time and information before leaving the apartment. Mrs. Jenson got in touch with me a couple days after the shooting to tell me that they made all the arrangements for the visitation and the funeral. I was gonna go, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to handle it. The funeral home was just down the street so I decided to walk. Mrs. Jenson offered to pick me up on their way to the funeral home, but I couldn’t be in a small space with them. I knew it would hurt too much. The funeral was going to be afterwards, followed by the burial at the church cemetery nearby that Marley and her parents used to go to. The night before the ceremony was the same as the others. Dark and lonely.
When morning came, I debated on even going to the ceremony. I could barely pluck up the strength to get out of bed. I knew that I had to go though. I knew that in the long run I would probably regret not going. I slowly pulled myself out of bed and made myself some breakfast. After breakfast I headed to the bathroom to have a shower which I hoped would wake me up more. I stared at myself in the mirror for a while, fighting with myself over whether I should go or not. I finally decided that I couldn't not go to the ceremony so I quickly stripped out of my pajamas and turned on the shower. The water felt really hot on my skin, but I didn't really care. I spent forever washing my body and hair, trying to wash away the pain and memory of the shooting. I wanted to drown in my sorrows, but I knew that it wasn't possible. I wanted to scream and cry until my throat was sore and I had no voice, but I didn't want to wake the neighbors. After a few more minutes I finally turned off the water. As much as I wanted to stay in the shower, I had to finish getting ready.
I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my dripping wet body. Steam filled the bathroom and fogged up the bathroom mirror. I quickly dried off my legs and body before wrapping another towel around my long hair to stop it from dripping on the floor. I quickly went into my bedroom and went to my closet. I looked through it and eventually settled on a simple black dress. I pulled it out of my closet and made sure I was dry before putting it on. I checked myself in the full body mirror on the back of my bedroom door before going back to the bathroom to finish getting ready. By now the bathroom had become steam free and the mirror was visible. I took my time with blow drying my hair and putting my makeup on because I was so nervous about seeing Marley again. They were having an open casket visitation and I was worried that I would break down just by seeing her, but I had to say goodbye. It hurt to think about, but I couldn’t keep lying to myself anymore. I finished getting ready at about 11:00 and the visitation wasn't going to start until 11:30. I went back into my room and dug through my closet to find a new bag to use. The water totally ruined my old one so I got rid of it. I found a small black purse deep in my closet and I put everything in it that I would need. I then searched the apartment for a few specific items that I needed to bring with me and once they were in my bag I headed to the door, put on a pair of black flats, and left my apartment. I arrived at the funeral home at 11:40 because halfway there I slowed my pace so that I could delay the inevitable. Most of Marley’s family was there or was just arriving as I got there and I could already feel the sad atmosphere around everyone.
I entered the building and was met with more family and friends. I stepped into the room and took a deep breath as I saw Marley's parents standing by the casket. They were both crying as people tried to comfort them and give their condolences. A few people recognized me and said hello to me and I said hello back just to be nice, but I really didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment. I slowly made my way towards the casket. My nerves kept climbing with every step. When I stepped up to the casket I looked down to see my best friend laying peacefully upon the white satin. Her brown hair was brushed and parted just the way she liked it and she was wearing the dress that she wore to our graduation. It was a simple pink dress that went to her knees and had a beaded sweetheart neckline. She loved that dress. I started crying as I stared at her. I still couldn't believe that this was happening to me. She couldn't be gone. Any second I was hoping she was gonna jump up and say "Gotcha!" But it didn't happen. She was gone and I had to accept that. She looked so pale and fragile, something that Marley never was. I slowly reached into the casket and placed my hand over hers. Her skin was cool to the touch and didn't hold any of Marley's normal warmth. Her body might be here, but her soul, the part that made Marley who she was, wasn't here anymore. I wiped away my tears with my free hand, but they just kept coming. I couldn't believe that this was the last time I would see her.
"I'm so sorry Marley. This is all my fault. Please forgive me," I whispered softly so no one would hear me as tears rolled down my cheeks.
"I can't believe that this is goodbye," I said softly as I pulled my hand away and reached up to grab the flower hair pin that was holding my hair behind my ear. It belonged to Marley. It was a white lily. Marley's favorite. I pulled it out and my hair fell into my face in the process. I pushed it back behind my ear before I leaned over the casket to put the hair pin in Marley's hair so that it would keep her hair behind her ear. She looked more like the Marley I knew. I then reached into my bag and pulled out the other thing that I had grabbed before heading out the door this morning. I held the small frame gently in my hands as I stared at it. Mine and Marley's smiling faces stared up at me. It was our graduation photo. I gently placed it in the casket and took a deep breath to try and calm down, but it didn't work.
"I love you, Marley. I'm gonna miss you every day. Goodbye," I mumbled out softly as I took one last look at my best friend. My voice shook, but there was nothing I could do about it. When I turned around I realized that there was a lot more people in the room and I was starting to feel constricted. Marley always used to say that when I got really emotional I'd get freaked out by small spaces so she would always take me outside or to somewhere that was more open. I never realized just how much she did for me, and I couldn't even thank her for it. I quickly made a beeline for the door, trying to avoid making eye contact with everyone. I just needed some time alone.
Once I was outside I felt less overwhelmed, but it didn't help too much. I looked around and saw a bench out in front so I went and sat down. It all seemed so surreal to me. I couldn't believe that this was happening. I never thought that I would be losing my best friend. Tears continued to fall from my eyes no matter how hard I tried to stop them. Nothing felt right anymore. I'd lost my appetite since Marley's death so I had been losing a bit of weight, but I really didn't care. I felt empty, and I knew that Marley was the only person that could make me feel whole again. I felt like I was losing my mind without her. She helped me become who I was today and not having her here with me was taking a toll on me. I rested my elbows on my knees and then put my head in my hands to help hide my tears from the family and friends that kept arriving and leaving. I sat there for the rest of the visitation, mainly because I couldn't bare going back inside to see Marley's family. Or Marley.
I went back inside for the funeral which started at 1:00. I sat near the back so I could leave if I needed to without disturbing the ceremony. It was a lovely ceremony. Only Marley's closest family members and friends were there. Marley's parents went up and spoke about her between the pastors blessings and I cried through the whole thing. I wanted to leave, but I forced myself to sit through it. After the ceremony was done everyone headed out to their cars and headed to the cemetery that Marley was going to be buried in. I went in the car with Marley's parents mainly because I didn't really know anyone else that was there enough to get in a car with them without it being awkward and uncomfortable. No one said anything on the ride there, but I was thankful for it. I didn't want to speak at all.
There was a small ceremony in the cemetery before they lowered her into the hole in the ground. I felt a piece of my soul go down into the hole with her. I would never be able to forget her. They got her a simple grey headstone which had her name and the date of birth and death on it and they added a small group of words at the base of the stone which I thought was really sweet. It read, "Here lies Marley. Her life was cut short, but her memory will live on." It was a tragedy what happened to her. That day will forever be burned in my memory. August 12th will no longer be just a regular day to me. It will forever be the day I lost my best friend.
After the small ceremony was over everyone slowly left the cemetery, but I just couldn't pull myself away. I stood at the foot of Marley's grave for at least five silent minutes. I didn't want to leave her, but I knew I had to. She was gone. I kept telling myself that, but it just didn't seem real. Eventually Marley's mom came over and put a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her and she made a motion towards the car with her head. I nodded before wiping my tears away with my hand. I took one last look at Marley's casket and with tear filled eyes I whispered my final goodbye.
"Goodbye Marley." And with that I turned around and followed Marley's parents out of the cemetery.
*****
The days went by slowly after that. It felt like the days just dragged on and on. By the end of each day I was exhausted and would just fall into bed. But it wasn't that easy. Each day came with its struggles. Each day that went by I found it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. I could barely get through a meal anymore without staring at the empty seat across from me. I started eating less and less. I've lost almost ten pounds and counting. Going to work slowly went from something I loved to do, to something I hated. Seeing people having fun and laughing was becoming too hard to bare. It was difficult to put on a smiling face when all I wanted to do was frown. I also started staying indoors more. I tried to avoid going outside as best I could. It eventually got to the point where I would only go outside when it was absolutely necessary, like to go to work or get groceries. I cried myself to sleep almost every night thinking of Marley and wishing it had been me instead of her.
I haven’t opened Marley’s bedroom door since she died. I knew that seeing it would hurt too much, and I didn’t want to taint it with my sadness. I hated it, but I felt like I was slowly losing myself, and I just didn't have the heart to try and fix it. Everything just felt so overwhelming without Marley there to tell me that everything would be ok. I was losing my mind. Every day I could feel myself becoming more and more overwhelmed and stressed from my guilt and I knew that one day all of it would just come out in a way that wouldn't be good. I knew that it would get to be too much eventually, but I just didn't know when.
*****
Three weeks have passed since Marley's death and I've practically become a shut in. I ended up telling my boss about Marley's death and she told me to take a few days off to mourn properly. I ended up missing my shifts and I've received a few calls from my boss, but I didn't answer any of them. I haven't left the apartment for anything in about two weeks. The curtains to the balcony doors haven't been open in at least two weeks so the place was pretty dark most of the time. I haven't showered or brushed my hair or teeth in over a week and I haven't done any laundry. I smell and look awful and I haven't had anyone over since the incident so the place is a total pig sty as I haven't had the heart to clean anything up. The sink was full of dishes and a few empty wine bottles lay scattered around the apartment. I tried to drink away the pain, but that didn't work at all. I hadn't been to collect my mail in at least two weeks, I had received so much in the past two weeks that the mailman actually came up to my apartment to make sure I got it all. It was mostly cards from my friends and family wishing me the best in this hard time and saying how sorry they were for my loss. They sat untouched on the corner of the kitchen counter where I opened them. After reading all the letters I began to feel overwhelmed with emotion. I was reminded again of that horrifying day. I stood in the middle of the living room, the TV was on and so was the lamp at the side of the room, but I wasn’t focused on the TV. The gunshots rang out in my head over and over. Guilt flowed through me more than ever. Marley’s body lying on the coffee shop’s floor flashed before my eyes. I could hear police sirens in the distance. There was so much blood. So much red. A voice covered all of it.
“It’s all your fault.”
“She died, to save you.”
My hands moved up to cover my ears, hoping to silence the voice inside my head. I shut my eyes to try and get rid of those haunting images. Tears slowly started forming in my eyes. It was slowly eating me alive. I was the one that chose to go to the new coffee shop. I was the one that put her in harms way. I am the reason she’s dead. I know that if Marley were here she would tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that I couldn’t have known what would happen, but she wasn’t, and that made it even worse. As hard as I tried to stop it, the tears began to roll down my face. I began to pace in front of the TV. Everything feels wrong without her. Nothing feels right anymore. Our apartment used to be such a happy place, but now all it is filled with are memories that haunt me day and night. I opened my eyes and I started to take deep breaths, but nothing seemed to be helping.
I looked around at everything in the room. Everything that was Marley’s was just staring at me. Pictures of her and of us lined the walls as well as a ton of Marley’s art and sports medals. On the shelves above the TV were little trinkets and items we bought together over our time as friends. The small table beside the TV was covered in papers and pens from bills that were overdue. The bookshelf in the corner was filled from floor to ceiling with our books, mostly Marley’s extensive library. Little figurines and decorations filled the apartment just enough to make the space feel like home. But right now it was all just too overwhelming. Everything was just piling up. It didn't feel like home anymore. Not without Marley. My heart began to beat faster as I scanned the room over and over again, finally landing on a picture of Marley on the coffee table. And just like that, it just got to be too much.
I let out a desperate cry as I grabbed the small frame and threw it with all my might. It hit the bookshelf and the glass shattered loudly before the metal frame hit the floor with a bang. I moved to the TV and in one big swipe I threw the stack of papers and pens on the floor. I began to grab as many things off the shelf as I could before throwing them at the walls in agony. It was all my fault. The sound of shattering glass and porcelain filled my ears, but I didn’t care. I was blinded by my pain and grief. I began ripping picture frames off the walls before throwing them around. I’m the reason she’s dead. I kicked the coffee table before knocking it on its side in a huff. Whimpers and sobs escaped my body as I trashed my already messy apartment. I went over to the bookshelf and just began pulling the books off in no particular order. Soon enough a large pile of books littered the floor, some open, some closed. It was all my fault. The sound of shattering glass was a constant sound for at least ten minutes. I just cried and continued to break everything I could get my hands on as I tried to deal with the pain and despair that had consumed me. It should have been me. The last thing I did was grab the lamp at the side of the room and throw it, causing the light bulb to shatter and the apartment grew dark. It was all my fault.
Eventually there was nothing left to break and I stood in the middle of my living room, looking over what I had done in the very little light slipping in through one of the now ripped curtains. I felt a small sliver of regret, but it was immediately covered up by guilt. I looked down at my hands and even though they were clean, all I could see was Marley's blood. I clenched my fists as tears fell from my eyes. My breath was labored. Glass and broken items littered the floor. I fell to my knees in the middle of the room, landing ungracefully on the floor, surrounded by broken memories of when my life had meaning. A large picture frame with Marley and I at our graduation ceremony sat in front of me, glass shattered and frame dented. Loud heartbreaking sobs shook my body and fat hot tears cascaded down my cheeks as I hugged my knees to my chest.
It was all my fault.
It should have been me...