Chapter Text
Dean was curled up like a little kid in the backseat of the car and Jerry hated to wake him. But it was beginning to snow and a cold spell had befallen the city. New York was beautiful in the winter and his pal was on the right track to spending the holidays sniffling and sick.
His hand was curled right next to his mouth and it was odd seeing it without its signature smouldering cigarette. Jerry thought he almost looked innocent. With his mouth hanging open softly puffing out foggy breath, Jerry wondered if his lips were getting chapped from the cold weather the way his were. Cracked and itchy and dry. He’d been chewing on the peeling parts helplessly all day and was sure he’d have a sore in the morning.
“Paulie.” Jerry called, tapping lightly on the frosted window. “Open up.”
If he had a spare set of keys he’d slip into the front seat and drive Dean back himself without ever having him stir. Despite his knocking, his partner kept on sleeping soundly and Jerry leaned up against the side of the car, shivering.
Earlier that evening he had been at some party with Sonny and though Jerry usually liked the cheery crowds rearing up for the annual festivities, he found it horribly drab. If it had anything to do with Dean’s absence he wasn’t ready to admit it.
Dean had been painfully distant the past few days, at least in a physical sense, since Betty and the kids were in town visiting him. Dean had a singing gig and couldn’t get away so they came to him and it all just meant Jerry got cut out of the mix. The little routines that Dean had snuck his way into were being disrupted one after the other and it nagged at Jerry like an itchy tag at his neck. Bearable but so damn unpleasant to have scratching at you day after day and he was going on a week of ‘Deanless’ escapades.
“Can’t Jer I promised I’d take the kids for hot chocolate.”
It was rejection after rejection.
"Gave em my word I'd take them to the movies. Next time, alright?"
And when it wasn’t he got stuck babysitting.
“I promised I’d take Betty to dinner.”
But the kids were at least a fun way of testing new bits for his act.
He had mulled it over and decided he could bear the temporary suffering bravely, knowing that they could return to their regular pattern in a few days. It was only a few days, hours, seconds and that was nothing. Jerry had pinned it on the freshness of his infatuation with Dean, it was making him cling harder than he was justly entitled to given the bigger picture. Still it stung to be flung so quickly and suddenly out of frame when the family showed up.
“We’re all going on one of those horse drawn carriage rides around the park. Maybe I’ll see you after.”
But Betty was sweet and smiled at him and even if it hurt to watch Dean turn his back and walk towards her, the aching in her gaze reminded him he wasn't alone in his longing.
Everyone was always after Dean’s attention but no one had tasted what it felt like to get it the way Jerry had. And no one else understood how numbing it felt to go cold turkey after having a taste except for Betty.
She was nice enough to let him sit with her to watch Dean’s set at the club a few times. And even though he sang to her the whole set, she was smart enough to never acknowledge how Dean’s gaze settled a little too far to her left as he crooned the last love song of the night. With all the stolen attention diverted her way, she was kind enough to leave him that. Or maybe just resigned to it the way Jerry was starting to be.
Jerry tapped the glass with his knuckles again and watched Dean shift.
“Paul.” He sang out a little louder.
Sonny had explained to him that Dean was off dropping Betty and the kids at the train station. They were headed off to spend the New Year with Betty’s parents while Dean finished up his engagement in the city. He had called to borrow a friend’s car to take them, a nice shiny new red cadillac, the favour some old card game debt he had remembered in good timing. Apparently he had promised to swing by the party afterwards to give back the keys but the longer Jerry waited around the more gloomy he got. Maybe Dean had decided to go with them in a moment of spontaneous festive inspiration. Maybe he’d taken off on the train with no word of when he’d be back.
But when Jerry trickled out of the party, the only man left standing awake and sober enough to walk, out of all the remaining guests, he had been surprised to see the fabled car parked just across the road on an otherwise empty street. The sight had filled him with a quiet curiosity and he couldn’t help walking up and taking a peak. His intuition was hardly ever wrong when it came to matters concerning Dean.
Dean opened the door pushing it open the few inches his arm could reach but didn’t move to get up. With a sigh Jerry pulled it open the rest of the way and crouched down so his face hovered over Dean, who was still trying to pull himself out of the dregs of sleep.
“You’re sleeping and you left the car unlocked?”
“Mornin Jer.” He drawled and let his head fall lopsided against the seat, eyes opening a sliver.
“Oh he’s got jokes this one does… come on Paulie, keys.” Jerry beckoned. “Let’s get you to bed.”
“Hah you’d like that wouldn’t you?” Dean mumbled something else into the crook of his arm covering his face but Jerry could see the flash of a grin.
“You bet I would, but I’d like the keys more.”
“Deep down in my pants pocket.”
“Don’t be naughty.”
“Wasn’t tryin to be.”
Dean rolled over onto his side and titled his head back so he was looking at Jerry upside down. His eyes were tinted a tired red.
“Whaddiya doing out here, hey?” Jerry asked softly.
“Don’t wanna go home Jer.”
“No? Well okay but that doesn’t mean you oughta stay out here tonight.”
“Nah, it's nice. I think I’ll gaze at the stars a while.”
“You poke holes in the roof or somfing?”
Dean let loose a laugh. Wild and bright, it sounded like the fading seconds of a whistling firework twizzling out into the night sky. It left a trail and stardust bursting in Jerry’s eyes. God that laugh would do him in one day.
“It’s cold out there. Come in here and warm up pallie. Come on, close the door.”
Jerry shut the door softly, mindful of Dean’s head and walked around to the other side of the car, shifting Dean’s legs off the seat to sit and settled in.
Dean was sitting up but before Jerry could get back to the topic of keys, he’d turned himself right around and laid down again. When he felt the weight of Dean’s head resting on his thigh, Jerry’s arms instinctually came up to float in air and he froze. Holy shit.
Jerry refused to look down at the man cozying up in his lap so he turned his gaze to the car's roof and he choked out a nervous gag.
“Wow Dean look there’s the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper and the regular sized dipper- I was wondering where my spoon went during dinner and-“ He pointed to random spots hoping it would disguise the fact he didn’t know where to put his hands down that wasn’t on top of Dean. There was so much of him.
“Relax kid.” Dean smiled sleepily reaching up to grab one of Jerry’s hands and bringing it down to rest comfortably on his chest. Jerry let go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
Dean’s hands were cold and the shock of the sensation ran up the rest of his arm and doused the fire that had been spreading in his head. How long had he been laying here alone freezing like this?
“You got something to say to me Jer?”
Dean’s question broke Jerry out of his stupor and he floundered for an answer, grasping at the most obvious choice.
“Merry belated Christmas?”
Dean's mouth ticked up in an amused smirk letting one eye open in a squint. He looked so strangely domestic, like this is what Jerry could come home to after a long day of work if he were a normal man and this a normal situation. But under the streetlight parked in their quiet corner of New York it felt like a blip. As if this moment was some small miracle granted just for the sake of something good. The universe let them slip sometimes, little strikes of luck and blessings, Jerry believed that same as any other kid who kneeled at the side of their bed or stared out their window when night fell, hoping and praying. Good things do come.
“You don’t even celebrate Jer.” Dean traced the line of hair sprouting on each of Jerry’s fingers one at a time in a ticklish gesture.
“Yeah well a Jew can be polite about it can’t he?”
“You? Be polite? You don’t know the meaning of the word.”
“Now Dean Martin I’ll have you know I am the very model of an all around, all American- what is fondly known by the scientific classification as- a good boy.”
“Alright down rover down!” Dean smiled. He was wide awake now though it was too dark for Jerry to read his expression completely.
“Hmmm, how good of a boy can you be when you forgot my Birthday huh?”
And Jerry’s breath caught in a stutter.
“Oh Paul I didn’t- I could never.” He rushed out trying to justify it but all he could think of was the boring and lonely week had spent. He thought of the gift sitting on his window sill back at his room. He thought about how he'd gone out to buy it a month earlier. He thought about how he'd never gotten the chance to give it to Dean.
“You been so busy I just didn’t think...”
I didn’t think you had time for me.
I didn’t think you wanted to see me.
I didn’t think I was important enough to take up so much room in your life.
“Well, I’m seeing you now ain’t I?” Dean tweaked Jerry’s nose playfully, wiping away the worry between his brows. “Ehi, what do I have to complain about?”
“That’s right old man, you should just be happy I found you here at all.” Jerry schickered with a mushy smile. His free hand came up to play with Dean’s hair, the product had worn away with the course of the day and the curls fell looser than usual as his fingers made gentle strokes at his temple “You know, you didn’t answer my question Paul.”
“There ain’t no holes. You seen for yourself.” He said jutting his chin towards the roof.
“Why don’t you wanna go home…?”
Jerry could think of a few reasons. Number one he was back to camping out on Lou’s couch now that Betty was gone. Every morning when he met up with Dean for breakfast he’d could always count on complaints of a stiff neck. Number two, even though the party was dead the night was still young. Why go back now when there was time to go out and have enough fun to find someone to bring back with him.
“Too empty.”
Number two it was.
“You know the kids are so noisy running around I forget how hectic it all is.”
“Yeah wild little bundles of energy you got.”
“Yeah…”
"They take after you a lot you know."
Dean let his head fall to the other side so he was looking off the ends of Jerry’s knees.
“You miss home Jer? Feel like you should be with your family or I don’t know… at least be with people?”
“I just spent the night crammed in a small apartment meeting so many people I can’t remember half their faces. I even kissed some poor girl that wound up under the mistletoe with me.”
She had been a messy kisser, too drunk on good tidings and merry making. Jerry had waited until she was dragged off by her friends to wipe his mouth and continue wallowing in his spiked punch.
“You never have to be lonely if you don’t want to. I think you’re the only guy I know who really truly never has that problem. Someone out there will always wanna be with you Paul.”
Me, I do. Jerry thought, swallowing the guilty little cherry pit of jealousy that had been growing in his throat.
“Even you?” Dean asked solemnly before walking it back a split second later. “Sorry, no, forget it, Jer.”
"How could you ask something so stupid. I missed you boy beyond belief. I was aching."
"I'm sorry I hurt ya Jer. I just have so much to look after." He was still avoiding eye contact but from Jerry's vantage point looking down it was hard to hide his guilt.
“Happy Birthday Dean.” Jerry leaned down and whispered in his ear like it was a schoolyard secret. Dean turned his head to face him and Jerry took his chance, stealing a quick peck on the lips. Dean’s lips were soft like always, completely unscathed by the dry air and cold weather.
“Ahh kid.” Dean was almost bashful as Jerry peeled back an inch just to look at him. Boy did he look beautiful in the moonlight. Jerry stole another kitten kiss.
“Say Jer.” Dean said his voice dipping into that honey sweet molasses register. “What’re you doing New Year’s Eve?”
“Well I-“ whenever Dean used that tone of voice Jerry’s brain worked at half speed, too consumed trying to replay every syllable back to make his usual witty comments. This time it sent a noticeable shiver through Jerry’s entire body.
“Why don’t you spend it with me?” Dean was looking at him through hooded eyes. Jerry would’ve spent the rest of eternity there in that cold car if Dean had asked him to.
“Make up for missing your birthday?” Jerry asked in a nervous squeak. “I can throw you a party?”
Dean finally sat upright and with the new space between them Jerry was at a loss for his grounding warmth. He squabbled at Dean's coat front for something.
“Nah, no making up. No crowds. Just-“ Dean wet his lips, “Just something the two of us, okay?”
“Maybe it’s just the season but I realized there’s only so much time in the day and there are people I wanna see that I better be making time for. Y'know before I miss out on too much- like kisses under the mistletoe…”
He was so close, Jerry wanted to kiss him again but Dean already had a hand against his chest and was gently easing Jerry down until he was the one laying with his back on the seat. With Dean hovering over him he felt like a girl on homecoming night. Especially when big hands grabbed his hips and dragged him down across the seat to make more room above his head.
“If it’s just us…” Jerry stuttered, “Who’ll you kiss at midnight?”
“I have a vague idea.”
The initial punch of disappointment when Dean bypassed his lips as he lowered himself down was almost immediately quashed when he plastered his hot lips against the line of Jerry’s throat. They were soft and feather light touches like snowflakes landing on his lashes and hazing over his sight with frost.
“Maybe.” Dean sighed between nips. “I should be saving my kisses.” Jerry whined in protest, his hand coming up to cup the back of Dean's head holding him in the warm crook of his neck. He could feel his sly smile against his skin.
“Make that New Year's kiss something special for my boy, hmmmn?”
“I don’t want anything special… just you Paul.”
That’s all I ever want.
When Dean finally settled into Jerry's side, satisfied with the week’s worth of called-in IOU kisses he'd payed out just above his collar, he lazily twined their legs together, resting his head on Jerry’s chest. The car felt a whole lot warmer.
“Still cold?” Dean asked.
“Oh god, freezing.” Jerry puffed still gasping.
Dean laughed squeezing him tighter, planting one last kiss at the bolt of Jerry's jaw and he swore he saw real stars behind his eyes this time.