Work Text:
𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚎'𝚕𝚕 all 𝚋𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛
Growing up as a lesbian in a small town means you barely have any friends, because you isolate yourself from everyone and everything.
Growing up as a lonely lesbian in a small town means you have thoughts like
"Am I disgusting for feeling this way about her?"
"This isn't right. I'm going to hell for this."
"Why can't I just be fucking normal?"
"Why did God make me like this?"
Internalized homophobia at its finest
I'm not exactly sure why I even have internalized homophoia. Growing up, no one in my family was ever directly homophobic. It just wasn't something that was talked about. Thinking back though, there were definitely little things here and there.
Growing up as a lesbian is accepting it, but still crying in your bed at midnight, praying to god that they'll accept you. That you aren't going to hell for it.
Growing up as a lesbian is fun until every time you see a boy your age you wonder if maybe he could be someone you fall for, and you could end up living the life your mom always pictured for you.
That she'll finally be able to use the wedding board we made together when i was little.
Growing up as a lesbian is getting a call from your dad during your second week of college asking "have you met any cute boys yet?"
"Yeah, a few. I'm actually already pregnant and i have no idea who the father is," I joked.
He didn't think it was very funny.
I came out to them that Thanksgiving break. It wasn't on purpose though. My mom was pestering me about the gross college boys and I shouted "Mom, I'm gay! Please STOP!"
Thankfully she was more upset about me shouting at her than me being gay. My parents weren't perfect allies. They've said some ignorant things at times, but they are okay with it. That's all that matters. We talk about it now.
Especially Noah, who for the last year of his life, made fun of me for how I came out to them.
☆
The first time I talked about LGBTQ+ was with Nora, Tommy's little sister. We were twelve, and in the backyard eating goldfish after church. She turned to me and asked "Do you think it's okay for girls to like girls?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" I replied.
"I can't think of a reason."
☆
The last time I talked about the LGBTQ+ was just last night at dinner with my team. Lucy had a prank planned for Kai. She'd been so excited about it that she literally hadn't stopped talking about it all week.
We had just finished eating. We were all sitting down at the table and Lucy sat down in front of Kai, looked directly in his eyes and goes
"If I snap my fingers you will forget that you were ever gay," she said in clear amusement while snapping her fingers.
Kai looked so fucking confused and started saying "I was never gay."
Lucy smiles. "Exactly."
"No- stop - you can't? I was never gay?"
"Sure."
"You can't just state something and snap your fingers, luce, I was never gay."
"If you say so, kai."
The rest of the team and I were just dying of laughter at this point, and so I decided to join in on the fun by saying "you have a problem with gay people kai?"
"WHAT???????" he yelled.
☆
It's moments like these that make me realize I'm not alone anymore.