Chapter Text
"How can you love me and still won't listen to me?"
Sakura finally said it.
The tension in her chest breaks, minutely, now replaced by apprehension.
God knows how many nights she had been thinking about it. It has been in her mind so many times as of late. Since she started seeing him differently. Since whatever they had going on started.
She wanted more of this. She wanted more of him. But she feels him take two takes back when she even thinks of taking a step forward.
And she didn't miss how her voice made Naruto freeze up on his side of the bed.
That was enough to make her feel upset.
“Naruto…”
The quiet of the night was disturbed by the bedsheet rustling as Sakura turned to her blond lover with a frown.
“I know you're awake.”
Naruto lets out a breath before looking up at his bedroom ceiling.
“You're asking the hard questions…” He hides his eyes with the back of his hand. As if blocking the sight of her could end the discomfort of facing what they were threading on.
Naruto heard the hurt in her voice. He was all things and he was in tuned to Sakura. He knew what answer she wanted.
But he can't say it.
He felt the loss of warmth with a pang when she let go of his embrace and sat up from his bed and clutched the comforter tightly against her chest.
He can't just undo everything.
Not for himself. Never for himself.
He made his promise. And he will fight to death to keep it.
But looking at her right now…
His eyes unconsciously travelled down the soft skin of her neck and shoulders mottled in unhealed bruises that she refused to heal from their activities earlier.
He swallows thickly.
Quick flashes of their nightly endeavors came to his mind but he brushed it off, along with the urge to touch her skin again. No matter how much he wants to burrow himself unto her, he controlled himself. Resisting the urge, no matter how his fingers itched to do so again.
“Sakura-chan...” He managed to say. It came out pleading.
He wanted her to understand.
And she understood. Fuck she does.
It was another one of their arguments. And as usual, her overactive mind conquered her rational thinking. But there was something heavy about this question.
Like one wrong word, and the house of cards that they built together would collapse.
It didn't help that just this afternoon, they just received an executive order from the Godaime that they had to look out for Orochimaru's bases to capture—
("We'll rescue him Sakura-chan!")
—defector Uchiha Sasuke within a year's time. As per the council’s orders.
Orochimaru had been prowling through the shadows, haunting everyone's dreams (or nightmares) ever since the Konoha's attack.
It didn't help that there were sightings of Sasuke with him.
The order from the council was made to feel that it was urgent.
And it was demanding.
It was a warning.
If they fuck up, they can kiss their dreams of being Team 7 again.
Of having Sasuke again.
And Naruto can't afford that. Not when he made that promise of a lifetime.
Uzumaki Naruto will never ever go back on his word.
Watching him struggle for words, Sakura should feel happy that Naruto wasn't a fickle man. He's loyal and driven.
You ask for a minute and he'd wait for centuries.
She probably should be happy right?
But he was also overly burdened. She could see it. And she wouldn't lie that it concerned her more now when they both had already crossed the line.
This wasn't just Team 7.
This was about Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura, too.
And Sakura was a selfish person.
"Naruto...come on, talk to me. Don't drive me away."
Naruto's throat tightened. And all Naruto could do was hold her hand.
“Naruto?”
Sakura knew she was being unbearable. But they were months into their relationship, whatever it is that they have. Unlabeled. But blurred lines couldn't stop her from feeling the distance between the two of them grow. Like there was a wall between them. And try as she might to climb his walls, they won't meet if one of them chooses to stay behind.
"Sakura-chan, you already know why..." His voice was pained.
Naruto couldn't look. He knew he would cave at her tear filled gaze.
He could only close his eyes in resignation.
He reminds himself of his purpose. That day in the Valley of Death where he swore to bring Sasuke back.
He couldn't do it. He couldn't do this to Sasuke.
"You're just lonely Sakura-chan. We're not..." Naruto said in an uncharacteristically glum voice. “We're…” He catches her gaze and swallows with difficulty.
And Naruto felt like an asshole.
"I can't say it. I don't want to hurt you." Sakura turns to him with her eyes puffy and swollen from crying. He knew, even if he resists from looking.
"But you're already hurting me..."
Naruto's jaw clenched in restraint. He can't let her shake his resolve.
“Sakura-chan, stop it. Let's not talk about this. It's already upsetting you. Let's talk about this tomorrow, yeah?”
"Do you even believe what you're saying, right now? We won't talk about this anytime soon if you keep running away. Why are we still pretending, Naruto?" She squeezed his hand, before tipping his face to look at her.
"Look at me, and tell me you don't love me." But Naruto averts his gaze. Her fingers brand his skin.
'Why now of all times? Why does he pull back now that I'm here?' Sakura's eyes search for any indication of his true feelings.
But there was none. Now of all times, Naruto closes his eyes. And turns away.
It felt like a slap on the face.
Since they reunited, Sakura and Naruto had been at it with their push and pull game. And for the first time, she let him tug her away into his arms.
But now he's running away for a sense of responsibility he took upon himself when they were young. The responsibility that she unwittingly pushed onto his shoulders.
She wanted to take it back.
This was something Sakura wanted to fix.
“Now you won't even look at me.”
Naruto loved her. It was obvious. But now that she's seriously considering reciprocating, Naruto keeps looking away for some sense of responsibility he shouldn't have to carry.
Sakura berates her younger self for not appreciating his vibrant blue gaze enough as she thumbs his whiskered cheek and watches it tremble in barely hidden restraint. And as if he couldn't help it, he kisses the hand that was caressing him. A surge of affection warms her chest despite the twisted pain.
How could she be so blind?
Naruto, who was always there for her. Naruto whose love felt like the warmth you feel in a snowy day while you sit near the hearth. Naruto who keeps on holding back for a guy they weren't even sure would come back.
The person who makes her feel like she could breathe even if she's underwater without chakra or techniques to support her.
"We can't do this." He repeats like he had to say it for him to believe it.
“We just can't. I can't betray him like that.”
And just like that, the affection she felt left her cold like ice. For someone like Naruto to do this, she knows the right answer with bitterness that coats her tongue.
All because of Sasuke. Uchiha Sasuke who's god knows somewhere in Orochimaru's hideout.
Their ghost.
Her ghost.
For all the years that Sasuke was gone, Sakura pretended he was a walking corpse. She doesn't remember him that well. One who was once a boy, now man, whose features began to blur in her head. His face is blurry on the edges. She could barely see the features she used to love anymore.
(Did she even love him, really?)
She did She didn't.
All that was left was the feeling of emptiness and abandonment she felt when he left her on that bench.
Left her broken into pieces. Left her to pick herself back together again.
It wasn't his fault.
It was her fault in believing her love could mend his wounds.
How naive she was.
She underestimated his thirst for revenge. And ended up burning herself in the end.
Ha…aren't I just stupid? Sakura laughs bitterly, with tears flowing down her cheeks.
Why am I crying over this again?
She thought he loved her back in his own way. Letting her get close and protecting her from harm's way.
(“Thank you…”)
But he chose power over her. She understood it clearly then.
That was when she knew her girlish dreams had to be over.
There was no Sakura shaped hole in Uchiha Sasuke's abyss like heart. He made sure to let her know that, that night.
But she believes in Naruto's dream. Team 7 united again. When they can all be together.
(But weren't they broken at the get go?)
Her thumb stopped rubbing Naruto's cheek as she closed her eyes in defeat. The silence was everything she needed to hear.
"So you're choosing him over me..."
His choice hurt the most because she could understand. Sakura may come off as emotional. She was known for that, but she hadn't been that girl in years. Being Tsunade's apprentice had tempered her.
But for once, Sakura wanted to be irrational again. She wanted to be selfish. Damn the consequences.
She wanted Naruto to fight back like he usually does. But when it came to Sasuke, it was a losing battle. Like she was talking to a wall.
And Sakura knows when to draw the line and take her loss.
Sakura felt a thread in her snap. Her hand falls down to her lap and she grits her teeth. She knows she can't blame Naruto. So before she could get angry and lose her temper, she wipes her tears and made up her mind, unconsciously suppressing her chakra along with her emotions.
"You know what? I'm leaving." Naruto turns to her in alarm. His chakra became so bright in her senses, he didn't even hold back.
If only he didn't hold back with his emotions.
"Sakura-chan—!"
"Don't. I’m not…I'm not angry at you. I just need space. To think because, God, Naruto. I can't even look at you right now. Our conversation's not going anywhere."
Sakura thinks about how she came to love Naruto back as she dresses herself up.
"Don't look for me."
Sakura left, slammed the door of his apartment shut, thinking they had time to think about what they were to each other.
That they both had time to think of what they wanted for the both of them.
But she forgot that time was a luxury for shinobis like them.
It didn't last long before they had to see each other again, at the sight of a familiar messenger hawk and a missive from Tsunade.
The members left of Team 7 met in Tsunade’s office as soon as they all received the news despite Sakura's insistence in giving the both of them space.
Somehow, this made her feel a little upset that she let her guard down too easily.
“I need you three as reinforcements to Suna. Now is the time we show our allies that we are an allied front, now that the situation in Suna is dire. Thread carefully, don’t do what I won't do and get your asses back here safe. With that said, I need you three to keep what you hear in this office to yourselves, am I clear?”
Sakura's jaw tensed at the news of Suna getting attacked by Akatsuki, Kankuro’s state, and worse, getting their Kage kidnapped.
A jinchuuriki.
She looked at Naruto discretely, and like she thought he reacted the way she expected him too.
He looked angry, and determined.
He looked like the man she came to love.
She brushed the thought away before it could take root and listens to what Tsunade has to say.
She turns away when she feels his blue eyes catch hers with hope when Tsunade finishes discussing what she planned for Team 7.
God, she missed him.
But she still wasn't ready.
She hopes they weren't too late.
“Sakura-chan, can we—”
“Whatever you have to say will have to wait. I have to talk to her. Sakura, stay.” Sakura met Tsunade's stern gaze, her mouth firm and tense. Whatever Naruto wanted to say was cut off.
“What are you waiting for?” Tsunade's stern voice made her go back to her senses and stepped closer to the most powerful woman she knows.
Kakashi excused himself from the Hokage's office while Sakura tried her hardest not to look Naruto's way. She could feel his gaze on her again.
But before he could say anything, Kakashi dragged him out with one hand. Tsunade rolled her eyes before massaging the bridge of her nose in exasperation before muttering ‘stupid brat.’
“Shishou?”
"Right. There's something you should know. There's this annoying hag that you have to look out for in Suna. You have to keep your wits while dealing with her..."
Naruto and their conversation has to wait.
For now, the mission.
"Yes, shishou."
———
Their journey to Suna was tense. Sakura kept herself occupied by talking to Tenten and Rock Lee who couldn't help himself but help her with the katas they've already practiced together before she became chuunin.
The routine was nice. It made her mind less rambly and more focused on one task that wasn't thinking.
She just needed an excuse really. Once she felt the tension still in her bones no matter how many katas she practiced, Sakura stopped and gave a quick glance to her other teammates.
She caught Naruto staring at her and she forced herself to look away.
Her eyebrow twitched.
He kept on doing that but doesn't even bother approaching her.
The first day on their journey, she was tense. Waiting for…something. Anything to happen.
But Naruto didn't come to her.
And it went on until a week.
All longing stares but not a single word.
Where did all his loudness go around her?
Sakura didn't acknowledge it, but she was starting to get impatient.
Damn it. She needs more distraction. With her renewed frustration, she borrowed a mortar and pestle and began putting some ingredients that she can vent her frustrations on.
Naruto was chatting up a storm with Kiba and Shino about some of their chuunin missions (Sakura pretends not to notice his longing looks and forcefully grinds the ingredients of her chakra pill to dust on her mortar and pestle).
Stupid idiot. He really didn't talk or look for her after their last talk.
I mean, I did tell him to not look for me. But when did he follow rules anyway? Why now?
He listened to her. But why was she mad?
Sakura scoffs before grinding again.
“Sakura-chan…” She hears Tenten’s whine and looked up at her friend. She must be too out of it not to notice.
“My tools…have mercy on my tools okay? I just got them from the Land of Iron.” Tenten’s teary eyes made her anger ease into embarrassment.
Right, she just borrowed these.
“Sorry, Ten-chan I was just relieving tension. I'll pay you back if I put a dent.”
Tenten sighed with resignation. “I guess it's considered a quality check. Just take it slow, okay? Just give me a word and I'll help beat up whatever or whoever stresses you out.”
“It's not—It’s not like that. It's nothing.”
“You sure? I can play a mean prank or two.”
“Tenten…” Sakura smiled at her friend helplessly before pulling her on a headlock.
“You're too cute.”
Sakura started feeling bad about the mortar. But Tenten just waved it off, beginning to laugh at her sorry expression, saying they were friends anyway.
Sakura ended up rubbing her cheeks in embarrassment by the end when she saw how fine the powder she made.
Was she really that obvious?
She scanned her eyes through their camp and sighed.
Who was she kidding? This was Rookie 9 she was talking about.
She wasn't blind to their eyes. They knew each other well to hide anything from each other.
It didn't help that their other peers had some sixth sense when something was amiss.
Except for one who didn't have common sense.
“Psst, Sakura.”
An annoying voice reached Sakura's ears.
“What?” Sakura turned with an eyebrow raised.
It had to be Kiba of all people to point it out for Sakura.
"Are you guys having an LQ? Ya know, some lover's quarrel? Heh."
Sakura didn't know what it was, but his shit-eating grin did it for her.
Kiba wasn't dumb enough not to stay away from her punching range with how fast her mood plummeted on her face.
"Shut up, Kiba. How about taking a bath first? You smell like a dog." Sakura can't help but snipe like a shark who scented blood.
Kiba’s jaw hung open. He turns to Shino who had his shades to protect his expression but Kiba sensed it all the same.
“What did I do? I was just curious!” He whispered furiously to his teammate who wisely shook his head and stayed silent.
Shino knew what battles to fight. This wasn't one of those. Shino pat his friend on the shoulder sagely before whispering back.
“Baka, you deserve that…”
“Anything to add, Shino?” Shino stoically stared at Sakura and breathed.
“Nope, he's all yours.” He said before stepping back to watch it all happen.
‘Traitor!’ Kiba mouthed to his teammate who smirked before hiding it behind his shemagh.
What was Kiba doing getting into her business anyway?
"But I'm from a ninken family! That's how we usually smell!"
"Hana doesn't. And Pakkun smells better than you."
I'm not dealing with this. She rolls her eyes and thanks Tenten for the mortar before taking her leave.
Sakura left to take inventory of her supplies.
“Sakura-chan!” Naruto followed her back.
Kiba watches with a certain look. “Like I said, lover's quarrel. Why the hell was she so cranky? I was just asking." Kiba was then glared at from all sides, Hinata even eyed him with disapproval. “What? I did this for you, Hinata-chan! You might have had a chance with—”
“You shouldn't have said that…” Her soft voice turned icy before she left as well.
Shino could only shake his head.
Kiba put his foot in his mouth. And he doesn't even notice it. Akamaru whined at his partner. “Are you ganging up against me, too? Come on, man…”
"Idiot, read the room." Tenten bumped his shoulder, shaking her head at the boy's lack of foresight.
"Did you see Naruto? He's not even eating the instant ramen old man Teuchi made for him. It's obvious, Kiba-baka."
___
When Sakura reached her tent, she felt herself tense at the feel of someone following her.
“Sakura-chan!”
Naruto.
She immediately closed her tent flap in fluster, cheeks reddening in embarrassment when his voice made her feel weird.
After not being able to have a conversation for a long time, Sakura felt herself miss him. Missed all the things they did.
This is embarrassing. She flushed in embarrassment before puffing her cheeks in irritation.
She's supposed to stay mad at him damn it.
“Hey, I know you're inside dattebayo! Are you okay?”
The tent flap served as a barrier between them. But Naruto? Naruto knows no barriers.
He goes against all odds.
Only this time, it wasn't in his favor.
A punch was what greeted Naruto when he tried to pull open Sakura's tent while she was busy changing her mind.
“Naruto!”
“What? I already saw all of it dattebayo.” He smirks playfully while leaning on her tent entrance. It would have looked romantic if it wasn't for the bump on his head.
She can't help it, but the fight was already getting drained out of her. A flutter of amusement and relief expanded in her chest. Making her let out a laugh before hiding it the next second.
But he already seemed to know that.
It's been their little game after all.
“What if I was actually changing huh?! Shut up and get out or I'm killing you.”
And just like that, he made her let her guard down again.
“Fine, fine. I just wanted to know if you were alright.” She sighed and turned her back away from him when he said that like he cared.
Of course he cared.
But it was still too…early.
She couldn't find any words to answer him.
“I care for you, Sakura-chan. And I've been thinking a lot since the last time we talked. Can we speak after this is over?”
This was what she wanted to hear from him. That he listens at least.
“Hmph.” She turns to him with a bossy look. He seemed so hopeful. “Do whatever you want, baka. I didn’t think you'd take so long.”
“I knew you had a soft spot for me-dattebayo!”
Of course, she has.
You're so obtuse, Naruto.
She wanted to be someone he could rely on.
“Go away, I'm changing my clothes.”
“Can I at least get a kiss? come on Sakura-chan…”
“No, get out.”
___
If only things were always smooth, then Sakura wouldn't have been stressed.
‘Got some red bean paste for the girls! See ya at 3 pm in my tent. -Tenten.’
Thank kami-sama she had good friends. Sakura thought of how Ino would be whining at home, being left out with her testosterone filled teammates in suppressing Akatsuki in Hi no Kuni while most of the girls had gone to Suna as reinforcements.
Sakura could already envision her envious look. It made her snort.
But it didn't last for long. Her footsteps faltered when she came across a clearing. Her head feeling the blood rush and she didn't even know what expression her face was making.
Fuck.
I just let you go and you're already talking to another girl?
Sakura drops her things when she sees Hinata tend to Naruto. Making him drink water with the fondest eyes.
Hinata.
Sakura digged her nails on her hands in restraint.
Calm down, Sakura. You don't have the right. You can't lose something you don't have.
There it was.
Hinata's pinkish cheeks and gentle smile while she talks to Naruto was what she sees. She doesn't even faint when she sees him anymore.
What a perfect picture.
Sakura closes her eyes before slowly picking up her things without a sound. She was not about to cause a scene. She wouldn't. Even if it felt like needles were puncturing the heart in her chest. Even if her insecurities are screaming at her that Naruto was choosing another person over her again.
Because it wasn't true.
You can't lose something you don't have.
If anything, Hinata loved him first. She knew it. She can't even hate her for it. And she was her friend, too.
Insecurities pop up unbidden. Try as she brush it away, it won't leave.
Hinata was a Hyuga heiress. And Sakura?
She was no one.
It was already bad that up until now, she was known as nothing but Sasuke's fangirl.
Naruto even believes it.
Sakura forcefully pulls her attention away when she's done picking up her things.
Move, feet. I don't want to see this.
Sakura bit her lip.
She didn't care if they're just being friendly with each other. Or if they're being oh so lovely.
It made her feel like shit either way.
She really was the worst. She didn't deserve Naruto.
Sakura left with a heavy heart.
Which was later filled with vindictive glee when she saw Kiba doing nothing a distance away.
“Oi, Kiba.” She pretends not to notice him flinching at the sound of her voice. “You owe me a spar.”
“Aw, come on Sakura. I was an idiot, okay? I'm sorry already.”
“Spar or there's hell to pay.”
“Fine, man. So scary.”
___
Naruto might be stupid but he knew whenever Sakura was around.
He perked up at the sight of her and he picks up on her signature the second she turns back. Making him lower the hand that he was about to wave.
She didn't see me…
Her footsteps might be silent but he heard it loudly.
It's like every step she takes make the gap between widen until it felt like a chasm.
He wanted to reach her but stopped just short.
“Naruto-kun?” Hinata’s soft voice reached his ears.
“It's nothing. Thanks anyway, Hinata. I'll buy her the gifts you told me she likes.”