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𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘦?
A̲u̲g̲u̲s̲t̲ ̲1̲s̲t̲ ̲2̲0̲0̲8̲
"There is a 50% you'll die, Noah."
"There's always a 50% we'll die anywhere we go. That doesn't mean we shouldn't go, Kate."
☆
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘪 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘢𝘺𝘪𝘯' 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘪 𝘴𝘢𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯
A̲u̲g̲u̲s̲t̲ ̲2̲n̲d̲ ̲2̲0̲0̲8̲
This may be my least favorite day on earth. We are on our way to drop Noah and Tommy off at the airport for their next deployment. Me, Nora (Tommy's little sister), and my parents.
It's suffocating in here and not just because we are all cramped into one car.
My dad doesn't like to drive with the music on, so all there is right now is an awkward silence, a suffocating silence that is making the day so much worse for everybody.
We haven't stopped at one red light this entire drive, which is crazy because when i am late for school, they are always red. Stop lights are never on my side. I wonder if they are ever on anyone's side.
I wish they were because i truly hate this day. I hate this car ride. I hate Noah and his stupid army dream. I hate being mad at him for this. I hate hating this.
We stopped to get gas and before walking in my dad asked us if we needed anything from inside the store. Inside my head i answer yes. What i need is for this car to stop. I need the stop lights to be on my side for once.
☆
𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘪𝘯'𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦
𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘦'𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵
A̲u̲g̲u̲s̲t̲ ̲2̲n̲d̲ ̲2̲0̲0̲8̲
What's making this car ride worse is that i'm mad at Noah. I know it's not fair of me to be mad at him. I know i'm selfish for being mad but i can't help it. He's leaving me for God knows how long. To fight for a country he'll probably die fighting for. I think i'm allowed to be upset.
I've just got to think about the fact that this anger won't be here forever. I won't be selfish forever. He'll be back home in two years and these negative emotions won't be important. (little did i know.)
I've got to NOT think about the fact that in two days i'll have a fifteen-hour drive to northwestern with my parents. Logically, I know if Noah could've stayed for a few extra days, he would've.
Illogically, i want to kill him for leaving me alone with these aliens who say they are my parents.
☆
𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘨𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘢 𝘨𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘳
A̲u̲g̲u̲s̲t̲ ̲2̲n̲d̲ ̲2̲0̲0̲8̲
We arrived at the airport 20 minutes ago, and as everyone was busy trying to find the gate, Noah pulls me in for a hug and says "i'm coming home for Thanksgiving, i promise."
All I could respond with was "okay."
"I love you," he says while kissing my head.
And with that, i started to cry.
☆
𝘴𝘰 𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘶𝘱 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘢𝘳, 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵
𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭, 𝘣𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦
A̲u̲g̲u̲s̲t̲ ̲3̲r̲d̲ ̲2̲0̲0̲8̲
The next day is packing up my room day. Which just makes me feel more suffocated than i already do.
It feels very morbid to be packing up my childhood bedroom. It's like i'm dead and i'm outside my own body, watching my mom bring in the boxes.
My mom seems almost too happy packing up all my stuff. She wasn't when Noah left for college. She cried for days and days. Maybe she just doesn't want me to see how sad she really is. Hiding emotions is a specialty of any whistler. We're all perfect at it.
We leave tomorrow, but my mom wants to go ahead and put everything in the car for the 15-hour road trip. I'm going to die. Why couldn't they have just bought me a plane ticket?
☆
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘥𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨, 𝘢𝘪𝘯'𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺?
A̲u̲g̲u̲s̲t̲ ̲3̲r̲d̲ ̲2̲0̲0̲8̲
I graduated from high-school early at seventeen, then took a year off school doing an internship at the law firm in town. "Something worthy of putting on your college application." said my mother.
I'm surprised she thinks anything i do is worthy.
During that time, I obviously applied to college, Which was fairly easy because i knew exactly what i wanted to do. Be a lawyer. Obviously.
I am actually so proud of myself for knowing because most kids my age don't. To be fair, why the hell are we asking 18 year olds to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives?
I didn't realize how young 18 was until i was 18.
☆
𝘸𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘥𝘶𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘭
S̲e̲p̲t̲e̲m̲b̲e̲r̲ ̲2̲6̲t̲h̲ ̲2̲0̲0̲8̲
Being in college brings out some unhealthy habits, like not eating when i should, or staying up all night almost every night.
My classes are easy but they are heavy. There's so much to do. I'm working so hard that i'm getting migraines every night. Everyone knows that the only way to heal a migraine is to sleep, but do i have time to do that? No. So living life like this for the next eight years it is.
Thankfully, things will start looking up soon because when i go home for Thanksgiving break, Noah will be there and nothing else will matter.
☆
𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦
𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘐 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘥𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯
N̲o̲v̲e̲m̲b̲e̲r̲ ̲1̲6̲t̲h̲ ̲2̲0̲0̲8̲
"What the fuck?"
"Kate, I know you're mad--"
"You promised you'd come home." i said.
"Kate, I know, but things have gone crazy, and they are making me stay. I should be able to come home for Christmas, i promise."
"Stop making promises you can't keep!" I yelled and then slammed my laptop shut.
I know it isn't his fault, but if he didn't want me to be upset then he shouldn't have promised me.
As i'm sitting there, my roommate, Ava, comes in and asks "Hey you want to come to a party with me tonight?"
Normally, I'd say no, but getting drunk that i forget about everyone and everything feels like the perfect idea.
"Sure. let me get dressed."
"YAY!"
☆
𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥. 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴.
N̲o̲v̲e̲m̲b̲e̲r̲ ̲1̲7̲t̲h̲ ̲2̲0̲0̲8̲
It's midnight when Ava and i are in the park, lying down, looking at the stars.
Are we allowed to do this? Probably not. I don't even think we are allowed off campus, but we are too drunk to care. I know for a fact we aren't allowed to be drunk.
"Do you think stars are the dead looking down at us?" I ask.
"What?" Ava responded with an interested look in their eyes.
When asking this, Ava forgot about the common side effect of being 18 and starting to drink for the first time. Drunk rambles. I could go on for hours without a care in the world.
"Think about it. We don't know what happens when someone dies, we'll never know and obviously, the unknown are humans' biggest fear, so we come up with theories to comfort our minds. Like heaven. That's a theory. You can't prove it. It's just a place we came up with to comfort each other. Like how people use hell as a way to scare hell to scare us."
"And your big theory is that we will die and become stars?" they asked.
"Yeah. For tonight, it is at least. My theory changes a lot. Sometimes i believe in heaven and hell or reincarnation. Sometimes i believe we become yellow butterflies or red cardinals. I'll never know until i die, so why be boring and keep the same theory? Tonight my theory is stars, because they make me feel less alone, which isn't something that happens often. Only with my brother. If he dies, I'd probably never look at the stars again."
Once i was done with my drunk rambles, i turned to look at them and ask "Do you have any death theories Ava?"
"Reincarnation. I was definitely an old victorian woman in my part life."
"You're an old victorian woman now, Ava."
"Okay, that was rude as hell."
"It's the truth. Accept it."
"No."
☆