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“I hope you like the magnolias.” Erik starts, awkwardly putting his hands in his pockets for a lack of better placement. “I believe it were these you liked the most, but forgive me if I’m wrong. You know how forgetful we get these days, and I can’t remember the last time we got flowers. Maybe Logan’s memorial.
“I’ve been thinking about what to say. These past few years, having had the privilege of growing old with you, I thought I had everything… Figured out. I thought I was finally okay. I thought my only concerns were coming from the outside… The UN, the rising fascism, helping Wanda control her powers. We were okay, for the first time in decades. For the first time since Cuba, it was you and I against the world. Yet, I must confess out loud what you already know – Cuba has never left my heart.
“I’ve gotten so good at burying things until they explode, and you know it darling. Or, knew.”
Staring at his husband’s headstone, he chokes up at the realization Charles no longer is. He was.
“And not only did I think I had buried our past, but also that we’d buried it together. That we had put it in a chest, burned it down and spread the ashes. Ashes all around Genosha”, he chuckles at the melodramatic metaphor. “Look at me, Charles. Speaking like you.”
He takes a moment to fondly remember Charles sharing words of wisdom to the students.
“Age has made us wiser. But for some reason, despite your wrinkles, your fading white hair, the way your hands began to shake as you took food to your mouth, the way your breathing became weaker… I never imagined you gone. Or rather, I never imagined you passing, naturally, of old age, as God intended. Once we won over the sentinels, the government, and the end of the world… I naively thought it was over. Now I could have my Charles with me, forever”, he chokes up once again.
“Nothing prepared me – No, everything prepared me, but I wasn’t prepared, to wake up, and have you gone”, he wipes a tear and shakes his head. “You looked so content. It made me angry. You left me and you seemed so peaceful.
Erik shakes his head again, as if disagreeing with himself.
“I’m glad it was peaceful. You’ve suffered enough. Especially because of me.
He stays quiet for a moment, preparing himself for what he wants to say next. He feels as if he’s said both too much and not enough.
“Do you remember some years ago, maybe over a decade, when you called me ungrateful? I was so mad at the state of the world and you wanted me to think of all the progress we made; how much better things are in the bigger picture.
“I still think you were wrong, by the way”, he laughs, devouring the idea of still having Charles on his side to argue with. He would do anything to have one more argument. Hear him nag him one more time. “About that situation, anyways. But maybe – I guess… I am quite ungrateful about a lot of things.
“After all my mistakes, after all the wrong I’ve done, I still had you. I had you by my side for many years. You took me back after Cuba, after Washington, after Jean.
“Rationally, I know you’ve made mistakes too. But I am just… So sorry Charles. That I wasted so much time. All the times you tried to reconcile and I pushed you away”, He can barely get the last word out between his teeth; jaw locked in anger.
“It’s quite juvenile how often I think about the time we fought in that plane. I said you loved me like I was a burden, do you remember? I thought myself such a burden, such a problem, underneath all my youthful arrogance.
“For a long time I thought your silence meant you agreed with it. However, I know you were just tired of fighting. And I haven’t said this, but I need you to know these past decades I felt your love like an equal. You loved me so well, you loved me like a friend, which is the best kind of lover, and I need you to know that.”
Tears fall down his face, and he lets them. Erik looks up, almost desperate.
“I need you to know that. I needed you to know that. Decades with you that I never deserved and I couldn’t even tell you that.”
He takes a moment before continuing. Measuring his words, as if Charles were there to get upset, to disagree with him.
“I should’ve died before you. Everyone has been supportive and kind, but I know they’re all thinking it. They wish it had been me instead. You’re just… You’ve just always had a better way with people, Charles. I’m better at fighting, I’m better at seeing problems coming from afar… But you’re better at… Pain. You’re better at healing. I am way past eighty and three weeks of mourning hasn’t been enough to even soften the pain of losing you. Every day is a burden.”
He sighs. “Maybe that’s what love does. Love makes fools of us all.” He almost rolls his eyes at the cliché. “A fool for not thinking decades are enough.
“With you, my whole life wouldn’t be enough. A million years wouldn’t be enough.”
Erik stops talking and looks around for a bit. He tries to remember what else he needed to say. He’s talked too much, he hasn’t said enough. What did it matter? No one was listening. Charles wasn’t there. He could talk, he could be repetitive, he could contradict himself. He could… Feel. That’s all he’s been doing these past weeks. Feel what he didn’t dare feel.
The silence aggravates the weight of Charles’ absence. Charles was dead, no matter what people said. At the eulogy, on television, to Erik, they would say-
“Yeah, yeah. You live in our hearts. You live in Genosha. You live in the school. You live in your legacy.
“I just wish you were still living in my arms.”
That night, Erik had fallen asleep thinking about Charles. Like every night for the last twenty days.
In the middle of the night, he felt himself gently gaining consciousness. Even through his closed eyelids he could tell it was still dark. Since the sun wasn’t out, he should just try going back to sleep. But he wasn’t tired at all, and he felt the need to open his eyes and look around. Maybe it was the sound of something that had woken him up.
Using his arm to support himself slightly up, he sees someone standing at the end of the bed. He should’ve screamed, or at least jumped up, but he didn’t. He remained calm as he looked at Charles.
Not Charles as he had last seen him. Charles with his brown hair. Charles with his plump, young body. Charles with no wrinkles but the ones around his lips as he smiled fondly. Charles that had saved him from drowning, over and over again.
Charles extended his hand in Erik’s direction.
“Hello, old friend.”
Erik could only stare, not paying attention to the tears that ran down his face.
Charles spoke again, the sound seeming to come from Erik’s own mind, although his lips were moving.
“C’mon, my love. It’s time to let go.”
As Erik lost consciousness for the last time, a serene and peaceful smile adorned his face.