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On the original Normandy, they thought no one knew – Garrus was certainly distracted enough and at that point still so unfamiliar with human customs that he didn’t think anything was going on between Shepard and Alenko – but word travels fast on a small ship. And then, he’d been there on Horizon. He’d seen the way they embraced, and then the way that their hearts broke at exactly the same time, perfect synchronicity even after two years apart. Shepard hadn’t wanted to talk about it afterwards, and he didn’t push her. Even after they started…whatever it was they had started, he never dared ask her about her relationship with her former lieutenant.
After the Collector Base, Garrus hadn’t really been sure where they stood. They’d blown off steam, and it had gone a lot better than he’d expected, but he wasn’t sure if she expected anything more from him…or if he expected anything from her. As far as he’d been concerned, their night together had been two friends, on the eve of a suicide mission, making the most of their last night alive. He didn’t think there was anything more to it, but when she’d turned herself over to the Alliance and he was back on Palaven for the first time in years, he missed her. He missed her more than he had when he thought she was dead.
That scared him, and he tried to ignore it as best he could while he struggled (and ultimately failed, he thought wryly) to prepare Palaven and the Hierarchy for the Reaper invasion. As hard as he tried not to think about her, she followed him everywhere. The practical thoughts he had during the day (What would Shepard say to me right now? What would Shepard do in this situation?) shifted to more personal, selfish thoughts at night (How is Shepard feeling right now? Is she okay? Does she miss me?).
When he’d talked to her for the first time after Menae, they seemed to be on the same page. “I haven’t forgotten our time together,” she smiled, and he released the breath he’d been holding for the past six months. But there was something tickling the back of his mind – Kaidan Alenko had been with her on Mars, Liara had told him. He’d been seriously injured and was recovering at the Citadel, and Shepard visited him regularly.
They’re friends, and he almost died under her command, he had told himself. Of course she’s going make sure he’s okay. It would be weird if she wasn’t concerned about him. It doesn’t mean anything.
Didn’t it, though?
He heard the door to the main battery open behind him, and he felt his whole body stiffen. He wasn’t ready to talk to her, not right now. Not when she’d made it perfectly clear where they stood.
“Hey,” she said, moving to sit on a crate in the corner. Slowly, he turned to face her, trying to keep his face impassive.
“Commander. Anything I can do for you?”
She raised her eyebrows. “I don’t think you’ve called me Commander since the SR-1, Vakarian.”
He didn’t say anything. They had a silent stand off for a moment, and he’d be damned if he was the one to break the silence. Finally, she spoke again.
“Is everything okay, Garrus? Something you need to talk about?”
Yes.
“No.”
“Don’t be like that,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “Just tell me.”
He took a deep breath while he thought over his options. Saying nothing didn’t seem to be working too well so far, so he decided on some good, old-fashioned passive aggression.
“I see you’ve let Alenko back on the Normandy,” he said casually.
She let out a small laugh, which did nothing to improve Garrus’s mood. “Is that what’s bothering you?” she said, pleased she had gotten to the bottom of the mystery.
“Uh, yeah? No offense Shepard, but can you really trust him?”
“Yes, I can.”
“Are you sure –“
“You questioning my judgment, Vakarian?” Her mouth was still turned up in a small smile, but her tone was becoming darker with each word.
“Of course not –“
“Really? Because it really fucking sounds that way.” She wasn’t smiling anymore. She sighed loudly, and got up from the crate she was sitting on. “Garrus, I don’t need this right now, okay?”
But now that he had started, Garrus found he couldn’t stop.
“I was there on Horizon, Shepard. I heard the way he accused you of being manipulated by Cerberus, and the way he refused to even listen to your side of the story, and Liara told me Mars wasn’t much better. You can’t have someone watching your back who doesn’t completely trust you.”
“You mean the way you’re trusting me now?” she spat. She had the fire in her eyes that she usually only reserved for people like Udina, Gavin Archer, and – fuck me, he thought – the Illusive Man. “Look, Kaidan and I have talked through everything –“
“I bet you have,” Garrus mumbled.
She froze. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Do you still love him?”
Shepard blinked. Garrus kept his face cool, but his mind was spinning. He hadn’t meant to say it like that, but the question had been burning in his mind since Shepard let Alenko back on the Normandy, since he found out he’d been with her on Mars, since he saw her heart break on Horizon.
“I’m not…that’s not…why do you –“ She was stuttering. Commander Shepard, who always had the right thing to say, was lost for words. That, somehow, made him even angrier.
“I pulled the tapes, Shepard!” he shouted, putting all his cards on the table once and for all.
“What are you talking about?”
He took a steadying breath. “From Mars. I got the recordings from Mars.”
“What, the mission report wasn’t enough?” She looked genuinely confused, and Garrus realized she didn’t know what he meant.
“Liara told me things got dicey between you and Alenko, and I guess I just wanted to know what dumb shit he said, I don’t know why, and EDI got me the recordings…”
Wordlessly he pulled up his omni tool and played the recording that had been haunting him for weeks. Shepard’s voice filled the battery.
“What have you got?”
“He’s got a transmitter in his helmet, if I can – My God. He looks like a husk.”
“Yeah, but not quite. They’ve definitely done something to him.”
“And by they, you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy? Is this what they did to you?”
"How can you compare me to him?”
“Shepard, I don’t know what you are, or who. Not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know, you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself.”
“Kaidan…”
“Don’t try to explain it. I don’t think I’d understand anyway. I just want to know, is the person that I followed to hell and back, the person that I loved, are you still in there?”
“They didn’t change me, Kaidan. Or how I feel about you. But words won’t convince you, will they?”
“Probably not.”
“I didn’t think so. You were always stubborn.”
“Heh, me?”
"Come on. Let's see what Cerberus is up to."
The glow from Garrus’s omni tool faded, and the silence that fell in the battery was deafening. They stared at each other from across the room.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she finally whispered.
“Oh yeah? Then how did you mean it?” He was still angry, but the edge was gone from his voice. He didn’t want to fight anymore. He just wanted to know where they stood.
“You want the truth? Here it goes. Yeah, Kaidan and I had something on the SR-1. It was…probably not a good idea, given everything that was going on, but he was really forward with me from the beginning, always really clear about how he felt. And after Ash…I felt like…well, if I sacrificed her to save him, I might as well follow through on that. It seemed like that was what was supposed to happen. Pretty fucked up, right?” She sighed, and continued without waiting for an answer. “I’m not saying I regret it, but I guess, if I could do it differently...I didn’t realize I had a choice in it. I didn’t realize there were other options. I didn’t have to spread myself so thin just to meet other people’s expectations of me.”
She had never spoken to him like this before. He’d seen her angry and scared, but this was something else. She was being completely vulnerable, and Garrus held his breath, afraid that the slightest noise would scare her away.
“But even with all that, of course I care about him. He was there for me since the beginning, and I thought, after I came back, I thought he was the one person I’d be able to count on, to trust me in spite of Cerberus, to remind me why I was doing any of this in the first place. But I was wrong about that, wasn’t I? Because he ended up stabbing me in the back, and the person that trusted me unconditionally ended up being...well, you.”
Shepard had been looking at the ground the whole time she’d been talking, but now she raised her head and looked him in the eyes. “So yeah, okay, yeah. I still care about him, because he was part of my crew, and he was a really important part of my life…but on Horizon, he made it pretty clear what all that meant. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him most, and it feels like no matter how many times I prove we’re on the same side, he still comes back with this bullshit, questioning my every move, questioning if I’m even me. And you know who hasn’t doubted me, not even once? Garrus fucking Vakarian.”
But he had doubted her. Just now, when he questioned her about Alenko. Her words rang in his ears. Garrus, I don’t need this right now, okay? His heart sank. He hadn’t realized how seriously she meant that. Hadn’t realized how much the doubt must have hurt, coming from him. But what else was he supposed to think?
He was struggling to form words when she spoke again.
“I let Alenko back on the ship because he’s a damn good soldier, and this has been his fight from the beginning. And maybe…also…because he asked me, and I couldn’t say no.”
“Shepard,” Garrus said, finding his voice at last, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to doubt you. I just got...insecure.” He cringed, but he knew it was the truth.
Thankfully she didn’t laugh, but she smiled sadly. “No, you were right to question me. Kaidan certainly hasn’t done anything to endear himself to you, and that recording from Mars…” She trailed off, shaking her heard. “I’m sorry. I should have talked to you first, let you know where things stood.”
“And…where do things stand?”
“With me and Kaidan? It’s over. Completely over.”
“I meant with you and me.”
She looked at him, and gave him a genuine smile for the first time since she’d walked into the battery. “Are you saying you don’t know?”
“I didn’t, uh, want to assume anything…”
“Garrus,” she said, walking towards him. “When the Alliance had me locked up, I thought about you every day. And when the Reapers attacked Earth…I knew, I just knew that I couldn’t do this without you. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without you. I know this is crazy, but we could both be gone tomorrow, and I guess…I guess what I’m saying is that I’m yours, for as long as you’ll have me. Maybe I should have said that sooner.”
“Damn right you should have,” he muttered, pulling her into a hug and burying his face in her hair. She wrapped her arms around his waist.
“I’m sorry,” she laughed, the vibrations echoing against his chest.
“I’ll forgive you, as long as you forgive me for being an ass just now.”
“Nah, you being an ass just means things have gone back to normal.”
Garrus opened his mouth to deliver a comeback, but Shepard was laughing again, the kind of laugh reserved for people who don’t have the weight of the galaxy on their shoulders, the kind of laugh for people who don’t have a care in the world, and it was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard. Whatever the universe threw at them, he knew he’d be ready, as long as there was just a chance he’d get to hear that sound again.
So he didn’t say anything, just held her tighter, and silently thanked every spirit he could think of for making Kaidan Alenko dumb enough to let her get away.