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“Whoo! Another day, another stellar performance by yours truly and good old Blue!” Lance burst into the castle common room, tossing his helmet onto a couch and punching his fist into the air, nearly grazing Keith as the red paladin walked by and shot him a glaring look.
“Hey, ‘stellar’, watch it.” Keith slumped onto a couch across from where Lance had tossed his helmet, and set his own next to him, leaning back and letting his sore neck rest against the cool fabric, turning his head side to side a few times to move his hair and allow the cold to touch his sweaty neck.
“What’s your problem, Keith? Usually you’re not a sourpuss til bedtime.”
“Yeah well, I’m crashing early so I’m getting started now,” Keith snapped back.
Lance saw Shiro, Pidge, and Hunk head into the kitchen, and offhandedly remembered none of them had eaten since that morning. Ignoring his growling stomach for the time being, Lance turned his attention back to the sulking boy next to him.
“Seriously man, what’s up. You’ve been acting weird all day. Like weird for you. What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about me.”
“Aw come on, Keith. I’m your buddy! Red and blue, we go together ya know?” Lance draped himself over the back of Keith’s couch and pulled his best pout face. Keith scoffed and turned away, focusing his stare on a panel in the far wall.
“Drop it, Lance. It’s nothing.”
“You drop it, Keith. That cool-guy, aloof attitude of yours sucks, and I can see right through it. Tell me what’s up, man.”
“Like I’d ever tell you of all people ‘what’s up’. I already said it’s nothing. Buzz off.” Keith stood and stormed out of the common room, leaving Lance with a pained expression on his face and his helmet on the couch.
Sure, Lance and Keith weren’t best friends, but they were part of a team, and as far as Lance was concerned, they were close, at least enough that Lance could tell something was wrong.
Lance shrugged off his hurt feelings, grabbed both helmets and headed to his room to change out of his gear. He decided he’d find out what Keith’s deal was later, after a full meal and a long shower.
“Hey, you left your helmet out,” Lance called as he knocked on Keith’s bedroom door. After a moment of shuffling fabric and a disgruntled sigh, the door opened to Keith clad in loose pajamas, messy hair, and baggy eyes.
“Ah… thanks.” Keith reached for the helmet, but Lance yanked it up and out of his reach, taking advantage of his height and Keith’s groggy reflexes.
“First, you tell me why you were such a crab earlier.”
“Lance, I’m tired. I want to go back to sleep, and I don’t want to tell you anything, about crabs or otherwise. Just let it go.”
“No. There’s something that’s got you all weird, and you’re being more of a grump than usual, and when that happens it ends up messing up the team. I’m nipping this in the bud now and you’re gonna talk to me.” Lance stepped around Keith and plopped onto his bed, setting the red helmet on the night stand. He patted the mattress next to him and gave Keith an expectant look.
Keith rolled his eyes but obliged, letting himself sink back onto his bed and wrapped himself in a blanket.
“Alright so let’s get into this. What’s wrong?”
“You’re sure you can’t just let me sleep?”
“Yup.”
“I could just kick you out of here.”
“You couldn’t even grab your helmet from me. You’re way too tired to fight. Just talk.”
“Fine.”
Keith inhaled a deep and shaky breath, letting his eyes wander around his room as he thought of how to begin.
“Alright. So… you remember when we all got separated, all the time everyone spent apart, and when we finally got back to each other we thought Shiro would die?”
“Well, yeah, that all happened just a few weeks ago.”
“Exactly. That’s it. Just a few weeks ago we all got flung into space, we thought Shiro was going to die, and he said he wanted me to be the leader? I’m not ready for that. I can barely keep up with you guys, Allura tells me I’m stubborn and I’m too sloppy, me and you fight all the time, and, I just, I don’t know. Why would he make me a leader? And right in the middle of all that chaos. I still can’t believe any of that happened. And now, we’re here back in the castle, just floating in space and doing training with the new training bot, back at the beginning, like none of it even happened. Like we’re new to all of this, like all that’s happened never did. But it did, and I don’t know why but it’s got me messed up, like we’re going backwards or like what we’re doing doesn’t even matter, like we’re not even really fighting for anything. I just, I don’t know. I don’t know and I’m- I’m scared. I’m scared something like this will happen all over again. I’m scared Shiro will get hurt again, and we’ll lose him, and you guys will have to look up to me. And I’m scared I won’t have any idea what I’m doing, and I’ll get us all killed and this all really will mean nothing, because Zarkon will take over everything and we’ll just be a little note in his history books.”
Lance stared on in shock when Keith finally finished his rant, unsure of where to begin even trying to find something to say in response. Keith stared at a dirty sock on the floor, forcing himself to breath slowly and evenly.
“Wow uh, wow. That’s a lot to hold in. And see I knew you were hiding stuff from us. But why wouldn’t you just say that?”
“How do I look whining about the fact that Shiro almost died? I look like a giant baby. Shiro, our leader, almost died, and all I could think was, please don’t die because I can’t do what you do, I can’t be the head of Voltron. How messed up is that? Shiro was my hero, now he’s one of my best friends, and I didn’t want him to die because I didn’t want more responsibility.”
“Well, a lot of crazy stuff was going on. We were all scared out of our minds, and you can’t help it if you think stuff you don’t want to think, you know? You can’t beat yourself up over that. And I’m sure Shiro wouldn’t want you to either.”
Keith’s frame stiffened at the thought of Shiro knowing about his dark thoughts, of the disappointed look his friend would wear, of the way his eyes would narrow and tighten with pain that Keith would feel forced to carry these feelings on his own, when they were meant to be a team, a group, a family.
“I didn’t mean that to make you feel worse, sorry. But, you know Shiro wouldn’t want you to think like that, like you can’t be a leader. He wouldn’t want you to look down on yourself that much. Sure you’re not like, a perfect leader, but when Shiro said that, he was thinking about who he felt was best to take his place and keep the rest of us from falling apart. Whatever else was going through his head, he thought enough to tell you, you, that he trusted you enough to do that. And that’s the important part here, you know?”
Lance let a cautious smile spread across his face as he saw Keith’s body relax, and Keith even gave a small smile of his own.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right, huh? Thanks Lance.”
“Anytime, buddy. You may be a grumpy sack of sulking mullet, but Shiro sees something in you, and if he can see it, then maybe I can too. Eventually.”
“Gee, thanks,” Keith shot back, giving Lance a light jab to the arm.
The two sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments, enjoying the peaceful dark and the warmth of each other’s presence on the small bed.
“You know something? I’m proud of you, Keith,” Lance said, letting his smile widen and shine through his words.
“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
“You told me a secret! A secret you couldn’t tell Shiro, your idol and hero, you told me, the guy you can’t stand.”
“You’re right… I really can’t stand you,” Keith replied, letting a chuckle out.
“Aw come on, that hurts,” Lance whined, slouching forward for a moment in a mock pout before sitting himself up on the bed again, “but really, I am glad you told me. That’s stuff you gotta talk about, Keith. When you bottle things up, you cut yourself off from everyone else, and we can’t save the universe if you don’t give us a hand.”
“Oh my god that is the worst joke you’ve ever made. Get out.” Keith stood and grabbed the collar of Lance’s shirt, dragging him to the door.
“What?! But we’re bonding here! You’re making so much progress getting out of that dark little shell!”
“Yeah well, your jokes suck and you just sucked me right back into my shell with it. Besides, it’s late and I’m dead tired and I now have to live with knowing I just bared my soul to you. Which speaking of, I think it goes without saying that if you tell anyone, I’ll make you wish that giant blue lion never picked you to be her paladin.” Keith glared into Lance’s eyes, but couldn’t hide the smile in the corner of his mouth.”
“Yeah yeah, promise, paladin’s honor,” Lance raised his right hand and looked up to the sky, as if swearing his vow to the gods themselves.
Keith let go of Lance’s shirt and clapped him on the shoulder, letting out another chuckle and making Lance’s ears flare up in a dark blush.
“Thanks, man. And I’ll try to work on being more uh, open with you guys and not keeping stuff in.”
“Sounds like a plan. You know what, I’m proud of both of us right now.”
“Oh?”
“You shared stuff, you’re promising to lighten up, your’re touching me longer than two seconds without acting all grossed out, and I made a promise to you that I actually might keep this time.”
“What- wait what promises haven’t you kept? When did you make a promise to me before?”
Lance shrugged and let his mouth slip into a cocky smile.
“Dunno, you’d have to ask Pidge. You say a lot of weird stuff in your sleep.”
And with that, Lance made a dash to his room as Keith brought a fist down and hit the empty air Lance no longer filled. He stared off at the lanky boy, making a rude gesture with his hand when Lance reached his door and blew a mock kiss in Keith’s direction. Keith shuffled into his own room and flopped onto his bed, thankful to finally be able to go to sleep, this time with a lighter heart and a clear mind.