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MOK POV
Moth didn’t remember when he first realized he was in love with Krisdanai Rome Lee. There’s a piece of him that feels like it’s always been a part of him. Like the undercurrent of a river, continuously pulling him in one direction.
It was all so much easier when Mok, Rome, and Thee were kids and they weren’t all being buried under expectations and pressure. Where friendship and love were still seen as possible and in reach. Mok feels a continuous pressure against his ribs every time he reminisces on the simpler times. Learning to live with the pain of it all was never something Mok thought would be in his job description when he first started working for the Lees. Not that a lot was in his control back when he was brought into the folds of this family, but at the time, despite outside reminders, it was so much simpler to ignore all the noise and just tell Thee he could be both a bodyguard and a friend or he could blush over how Rome would tease him without feeling the cold hand of responsibility sitting heavy on his shoulder.
Mok, despite the pain of knowing they’d be separated more often than they would be together, almost felt relieved when he was told he’d be staying with Thee in Thailand while Rome would be going to Hong Kong with their parents for the foreseeable future. By that time, he could already feel an invisible wall slowly being built between him and Thee. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle feeling that same distance coming from Rome.
Rome had always been a soft spot for Mok, even as kids. Rome would tease Mok to no end but he was also the first person to continuously believe in Mok and to also see him as more than how he was raised. Rome believed in him when Mok didn’t even know that’s something a person could do for themselves. Rome had never shied away from his affections for Mok, even when they still didn’t understand what love beyond friendship was. Rome would grab Mok’s hand as easily as picking up a pen. He would flop down in Mok’s lap and complain about his father’s “millions of ridiculous rules” like that’s exactly what Mok’s lap was made for in the first place, cradling his head. He would drape himself on Mok’s back and asked to be carried around like he didn’t see the side eyes from the other staff.
When they got to high school, Rome was the first to speak against those who did not believe Mok should stand next to the Lee Family. He was fiercely protective of Mok. At one point it actually led to their first fight. Mok felt like Rome was so protective because he didn’t believe Mok could protect himself, let alone the Lee brothers, and if that was the case what was the point of having him around anyways. Rome had looked like he’d been shot and then almost tearfully explained that he just wanted Mok to feel important. That he knew Mok could protect them. Better than anyone, in fact. That if no one else was going to stick up for Mok, then Rome would take the role on time and time again until Mok himself realized he deserved to stand by the side of either Lee brother with his head held high. After that, Mok never brought it up again. Instead he’d hide his blush when Rome was cursing out another rich boy for scoffing at Mok but turning his face to the side and feeling his jaw clench.
So when he was informed what the plan was for him after high school, he knew deep down that the distance would do him good. Because if Rome ever looked at him like just another employee, Mok doesn’t know if he’d ever come back from it. He’d rather keep Rome at arms length than ever know the pain of Rome doing it first. Maybe that was hypocritical of him and using the excuse of their positions wasn’t fair, but deep down a part of Mok thought with this one thing he deserved to be selfish.
He took the news without any fuss, the opposite to Rome’s reaction which was to be expected. After many long conversations that were essentially Rome asking why Mok had to go and why couldn’t he just stay by Rome’s side forever and “this was so unfair why does everyone hate me”, Rome finally came to a begrudging acceptance that this was going to happen whether Rome was okay with it or not. The day before Mok left, Rome looked at Mok, shyer than he’d ever allowed himself to be before, and asked slightly pleading if Mok would sleep next to him “just for the night”. Mok tried to remain strong in his position, but one look into Rome’s dark, enticing eyes, and Mok was folding the covers over getting in beside him. He let Rome cling to him, feeling tears fall onto his bare skin from Rome’s eyes, and brushed a gentle hand through his hair. He didn’t say anything or try to comfort Rome with words. He just remained a steady weight for Rome. It wasn’t until Mok felt Rome’s breathing even out in the early, early hours of the morning that Mok finally allowed his own tears to fall.
Over the years since, Mok’s love had remained steadfast even as his walls remained as solid as he could manage while around Rome. Rome had only continued to become more gorgeous as time went on. Mok often found himself staring at pictures that came out of Rome until his eyes were sore. He would convince himself, almost as a form of self torture, that with a face like his, Rome for sure had found some other person more deserving of all that Rome was. That when he returned to Thailand, Rome would realize Mok wasn’t the same person he’d once been and allow Mok to finally let him go (although if that happened he knew he would never stop loving him, to stop loving Krisdanai Rome Lee was to see the world stop turning). However, Rome, as he was often so good at, kept Mok just enough in his orbit with frequent texts and the occasional call or FaceTime. The ache of missing Rome lived under Mok’s skin like a second set of veins, and the calls made it worse.
It almost got worse when Thee met Peach. Mok was thrilled that Thee had found a person that filled him with so much joy. He watched as Thee attempted to make moves on Peach and he watched as Peach began to thaw from them. He watched as the look in Peach’s eye went from exasperation to fond exasperation to affection. Despite how happy he was for Thee, he couldn’t help but feel envious of how easy it all seemed for the two of them. How they were in the same place and could see each other regularly. How Thee was able to break past his family’s “no lovers” rule like it was nothing more than a blip in his radar. The ache of wanting Rome by his side got particularly strong at those times.
This is why he couldn’t help himself when he started planning for Rome to come to home for his twenty-fifth birthday. At this point, Rome’s favorites were as familiar to him as his own (probably even more so if he were more honest with himself). He knew exactly how Rome liked it when he traveled and when he came home. He wrote a letter for seven days of leave without even realizing it. He ignored Thee’s knowing looks. And when Rome’s car pulled up outside the Lee family home, he felt his heart flutter faster than a hummingbird’s wings. At this point, he could cover up his nervousness like it was nothing, but he knew even that wouldn’t keep Rome from knowing.
Now two days since Rome had crashed back into his life with all the subtly of a wrecking ball, Mok was sitting in a chair next to Peach watching as Rome and Thee played around like they were kids again.
“You love him, don’t you.” Mok doesn’t mean to jump at the sound of Peach’s voice, but he truly wasn’t expecting it. It then takes a minute for the words to register. When he looks back at Peach, the other is staring back with no sort of expectation on his face. Just a general look of understanding, like Mok’s love for Rome isn’t even a question. Mok can’t even bring himself to deny it. He’s denied himself of Rome for so many years now, he can’t help but fall into the comfort of being able to finally say it to someone safe enough.
“I do.” Mok’s answer doesn’t seem to surprise Peach. A soft smile crosses his face and Mok doesn’t know what to do with that expression so he looks away.
“He loves you too.” Peach continues to share his observations.
“I know.” Because if there’s one thing Mok is sure of in this life, it’s that Rome loves him. The question of whether or not Rome did was never part of the problem. It was everything that came with that love that was dangerous.
When Mok looks back at Peach, a new sort of understanding has crossed his face. Peach’s hand rests gently on Mok’s arm. Mok looks down at the friendly touch but doesn’t pull away. Instead he just nods back, the wordless conversation settling between the two.
Almost as if summoned by the touch of another on Mok’s skin, Rome appears back in Mok’s space. He brushes Peach’s hand off Mok’s arm and then sits on the arm of Mok’s chair facing the bodyguard, the entire sequence meant to be casual but from Peach’s smirk at Mok, Rome’s faked nonchalance is seen through. Thee shows up on Peach’s other side, but Mok’s not sure what the other says to Peach because Rome is looking down into Mok’s eyes like they’ll answer every question Rome has ever had.
“Go on a walk with me? For my birthday?” Rome’s voice is tender the way it only ever is with Mok and he’s unable to resist nodding.
Rome pulls Mok up by his hand and lets their fingers link before pulling him off the deck Mok and Peach were sitting on down to the beach. Mok feels Rome’s thumb stroke his gently and has to actively keep a gasp from leaving his mouth.
Since the previous day, Rome’s playful advances had been more successful than he would ever admit to the other at breaking down Mok’s carefully formed walls. Every move was done with the same intention. Get Mok to crack. And Mok was closer than ever before. He just hoped it wasn’t as obvious to Rome, but Mok knows he’s never been that lucky.
The two continue a ways down the beach until they’re out of view of Thee and Peach. It’s then Mok realizes he should’ve released Rome’s hand minutes ago. But Mok was tired of pulling away from the other.
Right as that thought crosses Mok’s mind, Rome pulls them to a stop and looks up at Mok. There’s not a huge height difference between the two, but Mok has never been able to unrealize that Rome is at the perfect height for Mok to kiss his forehead without difficulty.
“Mok…” Rome’s voice is soft, a little teasing like it always is, but genuine. “I know what I want for my birthday.” Mok can already sense where this is going before the other shares his wish.
“And what’s that, Khun?” Mok can’t help the fond exasperation in his voice.
“A kiss from Kian’s strong right-hand man” Mok lets out a sigh at the expected answer.
“Khun…” Mok starts, planning on another careful dodge. He doesn’t get further before Rome steps even closer and whispers
“Please, Mok.” The plead in Rome’s voice. The longing is palpable and Mok feels the air crackle with tension.
Mok let’s out a sigh, weighing his options. He knows he’s going to give in, to an extent, but he also knows if he truly kisses the other, his heart may break in two from pure longing when Rome leaves again.
Slowly, Mok brings his lips closer to Rome’s. He can feel the warmth of Rome’s breath brushing against his own lips, can practically taste Rome’s anticipation. He brings his hand up to the right side of Rome’s face, caressing his cheek. Rome tenses as the feeling and then melts into Mok’s hand, like Mok treating him gently is all he needs in life.
Finally, Mok brings his lips down and presses a kiss to the corner of Rome’s mouth. He feels Rome’s surprised exhale and his own heart is practically beating out of his chest at the feelings running through him. He lingers at the edge of Rome’s mouth for a few more seconds before pulling away.
“Happy Birthday, Rome.” Mok whispers between them, bringing his forehead to rest against Rome’s. He feels Rome’s hands come up and grip at his waist holding Mok there.
“Thank you, Mok.”
The two stay clinging to each other as if they have all the time in the world here with them in this moment. Everything else falls away except the feeling of their foreheads resting together and the warmth of where their hands are gripping each other.
Tomorrow can wait.
FIN