Chapter Text
“Hey Tae, I know this is probably weird. We haven’t spoken in so long but I- I just needed to get some stuff off my chest, you know? Like, if I didn’t talk to you I might, I don’t know, explode or something. Honestly I’ve missed talking to you. Like a lot.
Okay so like I said this is probably, no, this is weird. I get that, so you don’t have to, like, say anything just listen. Please. That’s all I need. Just hear me out.
Oh man I don’t even know what to say. Remember the first time I talked to you? I had practiced what I was going to say like fifty times in the mirror the night before. I’ll bet it showed right? Hell, I’ll bet you saw right through it in an instant but you still smiled and said ‘yes’ anyways when I asked you out. I had such a crush on you back then, man you wouldn’t even believe. I thought you were so wonderful in every way. You were gorgeous but even better you were one of the kindest people I had ever met and your smile, oh god Tae, I swear I still see your smile every time I close my eyes. It’s so bright you know? Like you always put every ounce of your happiness into it. Whenever you smiled I couldn’t help but smile too, like your joy was contagious. I think it was your smile I first fell in love with. Tae I miss your smile, memories just aren’t the same.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently Tae, our anniversary is coming up soon. I’m not going to celebrate it of course, how can I without you? But still, it makes me remember. I remember all the times we spent together. I miss them Tae. Do you remember our first date? Man was that a disaster. God I was so awkward. I told so many dumb jokes because I wanted, more than anything, to see you laugh. I think your laugh was the second thing I fell in love with.
Remember how I walked you home that night Tae? I was so sure I had messed up and blown my chances with you. I was convinced someone as amazing as you wouldn’t want another date when you realised what a loser I was. But when we stopped outside your house I was ready to say goodbye for good but then you kissed me and told me you had had a good time and man, we made fun of how cliché that was later but secretly I loved it, still do. I still hold that memory close in my heart along with all the other memories of you, Tae.
One of the things I keep thinking about most is when you first said ‘I love you’. We had gone to the boardwalk by the beach ‘cus you said it was your favourite place. I still remember how you looked that night Tae, so clearly. You loved the carnival they had on the boardwalk, all the colourful lights and the happy people, you loved it all and I loved you. I remember the way you smiled when I won you that teddy like I had just given you a million dollars. We went on a roller coaster after that. I was terrified of roller coasters, did you know that Tae? Ever since I was a child, I was always so sure they would derail, or I’d be thrown off or something but I could see how much you wanted to go and well, when had I ever been able to say no to you?
That roller coaster ride was hell Tae, I’m not going to lie, I was so afraid. As we sat in that car all my childhood fears resurfaced and I was convinced we were going to die but the way you held my hand, your fingers intertwined with mine, well it made me feel like everything would be alright.
I miss holding your hand Tae. It really is the little things you miss when someone’s gone. I remember the way our hands fit so well together, like they were made for each other. It always just felt right, holding your hand. And I know, I know what you’re going to say. I’m being cliché again but what can I say, Tae? You make me cliché.
You told me you loved me as we walked on the beach afterwards. The neon lights were fading behind us but we could still see their glow on the wet sand. It was a cold night but that meant we could see the stars. The water was calm, only gently lapping by our feet. We were hand in hand and you were still carrying that teddy bear. I can’t for the life of me remember what you called it, I only remember the way you smiled when I gave it to you.
I was already so happy, the silence was comfortable like it always was. Tae you’re such a lively person but I loved your silences too. I remember you looked at me and I swear I could see every damn star in that night sky reflected in your eyes and it took my breath away I swear.
Then you said it ‘I love you Kim Namjoon’ as simple as that, but that’s okay because it was so honest. I think that was the happiest moment of my life. It still makes me smile when I think about it, even- even after all that’s happened I can still smile when I think about it. That was the moment I fell totally, hopelessly and completely in love with you Kim Taehyung.
Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I’m actually crying in front of you, I swear Tae no one’s made me cry as much as you have. I guess in a way it’s a good thing. It means what we had was real.
I don’t know what else to say really. Like I said before I didn’t really think about it. I just needed to talk to you. I miss you Tae, I guess that’s what it comes down to. I miss you every single damn day and it hurts like hell that you’re not here. I would go on a million roller coasters if we could have one more day together. I would give anything to hear you say ‘I love you’, just one more time. But that impossible, I know, I know. But I guess, with you the impossible always seemed possible.
I guess that’s it for now. I’m so sorry I don’t visit more often, I hope you aren’t lonely but, I don’t know, I’ve never liked cemeteries much.
I’ll talk to you next time Tae and I know it’s too late but I miss you and I love you. Always have, always will.”