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Grace arrived at school at 8am (the same time her classmates would), which is weird for her as she likes to study at school early in the morning but her pink bike was broken so her father had to take her instead. This messed everything up in Grace's schedule and she felt overwhelmed by all the change that happened this morning. She stepped out of the car and was walking towards the front gates when she was ambushed by Pete.
“Hi Grace! I have something exciting to tell you, so you know Steph, well she's hosting a party tonight and she invited me, yes me! Can you believe it? Well I'm already too scared to speak to her anyway so I cannot go alone, please come with me, ill do anything” he rambled out quickly. Grace couldn't even understand what he was saying.
“Pete slow down I don't even know what you're saying”
“Steph invited me to a party and I cannot go alone, please come with me?”
“Why can't you go alone?” Grace asked curiously
“Because I'm socially awkward, look at me!” Pete loudly said back. Grace flinched and stepped back.
There was some silence before…
“Just think about it, okay?” he quieted down.
“Okay” Grace replied quietly, feeling more overwhelmed than before. Stupid Pete and his crush.
It started when they were all 10. It was Steph's first day at a new school and she had been buddied up with Grace. Grace took Steph on a tour around the school, showing her where everything is and speaking very loudly when it got to classes that Grace was passionate about (Art, R.E and English). Steph was also very interested in Art so they bonded over that. Every time Grace turned around and looked at Steph, she felt like she had seen her before and this was a sign from God. and being the outgoing 10-year-old she was, she decided to ask “Stephanie, have I seen you before? I feel like I have seen you before” Grace asked
“I don't think so, Grace” Steph replied, awkwardly. Then why did she feel so comfortable around her. They continued on with the tour.
As they arrived at the maths block, Steph could see a kid being laughed at by some bullies behind him. She instantly understood what was happening and as she had zoned out from all of Grace's speaking, she went over there to stick up for him. “Hey! What the fuck are you doing? Leave him alone! She shouted. She walked up to the main bully and kicked him in his private area, as that was what her mom told her to do, before she died. He ran off crying and Steph would later find out that that was Max Jagerman, who had been held back a year already for bullying.
Steph turned back around and saw the kid just standing there in awe. “Hi, I'm Steph,” she said. He just stuttered back a thank you and turned away and that was when she heard her name being shouted from across the room. “Steph! What did you just do!” Grace screamed. Steph was meant to be on her watch, she's going to get in a lot of trouble for this, she cannot get in trouble. “Umm, helped someone?” Steph replied. “No, Steph, you don't understand. I'm meant to be looking after you, and yo-you just do that. I'm going to get in so much trouble, Steph. I cannot get in trouble”
“You're not going to get in trouble, grace! Not if we don't tell anyone, okay?”
“Steph, we can't lie, lying is a sin”
“Then, I'm not sure what you want me to do”
“I don't think I can take you on this tour anymore” they walked back to their classroom in silence, their teacher noticed how early they were and she knew about Steph's past so she knew exactly what to say to get the truth. That was the first and ever time Grace got a detention.
It's been years since then but Steph and grace only talk now when they're in the same class sitting together (art and English). Steph's party sounded fun by what she heard from other people and there must not be any bullies there if she invited Pete. She decided to go but first she needed to message her parents. She had a curfew of 6pm but she knew that if she said she had a church thing, they would allow 2 more hours. So, she pulled out her phone to text them and they agreed, saying she needed to be back at 8pm sharp. She's not lying, right?
Her first classes went by quickly but she had many questions about this party spilling around in her head that she needed answered. She knew this would be a normal high school party and that lots of sin would be happening around her but she just needed a night where she wasn't expected to bring all of that down. She was now sitting with Pete, Richie & Ruth for lunch. Steph walked over to their table and Grace knew this was when she could ask questions.
“Hi Steph, I have a few questions to ask you about the party” she said while Steph was handing out invites. “Oh, grace, I didn't think you were coming, I didn't write you an invite, sorry” Steph replied. Grace felt as if a massive boulder had hit her right in the chest, she couldn't speak. Steph instantly felt bad and wasn't sure what to do. “Well, can't you write her an invite now?" Richie asked. “Of course, of course. I'll do that right now” she had a spare piece of paper handed to her and wrote down all the important details. “Thank you” Grace said to both Richie and Steph. “Now, I have to hand out more of these, but ask me those questions in our next class, art, right?” Steph said as she walked off.
As Grace arrived at home, she felt a lot more confident about this party now that her questions were answered. It starts at 5pm which is good for Grace's curfew and a lot of Grace's favourite foods will be there so she didn't have to pack anything to take. There was no alcohol involved and it was all just going to be chill. The only downside was that Max would show up, as he was now dating Stacy but Grace is just going to ignore him. Grace goes upstairs and picks her favourite outfit: a white blouse with a light purple sweater on top of it, some jeans with a star pattern around the cuffs & her purple Velcro shoes. She tied her hair into a ponytail and put her favourite butterfly clips into her hair. She couldn't forget her favourite sunflower ring so she added that too and then was ready to go.
Her father brought her to the church at 3:40pm as he believes her club starts at 4pm. It does, but no one shows up and Grace had had enough of being lonely and this was going to be fun. Pete's house wasn't far away from the church anyway and before she knew it, she was standing on his porch, waiting for him to put his shoes on so they could go. She had made it explicitly clear that she had to be back at the church at 8 and he agreed. His mother even offered to drop her at home but she had said no, not wanting to cause any suspicion on her part.
The drive wasn't far and Steph's house was easy to spot as it was the biggest one on the street. Pete had asked his mom to drop them a few roads over so they could look cool and she reluctantly agreed to it. They stepped out of the car and Grace could already hear the music playing from her house and this is when she wishes she could still have her headphones. Her mother threw them out on her 10th birthday, exclaiming that she was too old for them now. As they walk closer, Grace tries to toughen up and just let the music play but it was getting too hard to do so.
Now, they were standing on the step leading into Steph's house and Pete rang the doorbell. Steph opened the door as quickly as she could and that's when Grace felt the cacophony of noises falling into her ears. She immediately brought her hands to cover her ears as she ran off. Pete was oblivious, he was too focused on what to do that he just stepped inside, leaning in to give Steph a hug but she was already running off too. “See, I told you this was a bad idea, Pete” she shouted as she chased after Grace.
After a while, Grace stopped running and found herself sitting on the grass with a straight brick wall behind her. Steph was faster than Grace so she caught up a while ago but even though they were further away from the house than before, Grace's hands were still covering her ears. Grace was whispering, repeating to herself “too loud, too loud, too loud” and Steph could kind of make out the words she was hearing. “it’s okay, Grace, you’re okay”.
Steph moves her hand to Grace's back to try and comfort her but Grace flinches. “Ok, take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere” Grace nods through tears. After about 10 minutes of silence, Steph was getting worried about the red marks forming under Grace's ears from pressing too hard. “Grace, do you think you can move your hands for a moment?” Grace reluctantly agrees and removes and as Steph expects, very dark red marks have been formed.
As the cold air hits Grace's ears, she flinches in pain and Steph tries to comfort her more “you’re okay, you’re okay”. Grace started playing with the stitching on her blouse and Steph was confused but didn’t say anything. There was more silence as Steph was trying to think of stuff that could help Grace right now. She was thinking back to times where she was overwhelmed and what she would do and then she remembered her headphones, they always helped in times like these.
“Grace, are you ready to go back inside now. I have a surprise.” Steph said, teasing. “Surprise! Where? What is it?” Grace was excited, she loved & hated surprises but trusted Steph enough to know this would be a good one. “It’s not that exciting, but it will help you enjoy the party more” Steph said, hopeful.
They walked back to the party and Steph told Grace to wait outside as she fetched the “surprise”. Steph walks back downstairs a few minutes later with headphones in her hands and Grace starts jumping up and down excitedly. Steph didn’t realise how much she misses having noise cancelling headphones and so she pulls the taller girl into a hug. “Thank you, Steph, so much!” She says loudly, clearly showing her excitement.
As she calms down a bit from the excitement, the loud noises come back into her ear but now she has a solution so she puts the headphones on and both girls head inside together. Grace stays around Steph as the comforting presence comes back into her & also she barely knows anyone at this party and she doesn’t know where Pete has run off to. There’s always something so comforting for Grace when she is around Steph.
As they move further into the living room, she can see people pointing at her. At first, she thought it was the headphones but she had gotten used to that from a young age but since Steph grabs her hand and pulls her along maybe it’s not what she thought. “Steph what were they doing?” She asks in a confused tone.
“It doesn’t matter, Grace” Steph knows this is a bad reply because if it was her she would want to know too but Grace is sensitive and she isn’t. “Please just tell me. I want to know” Grace pleads, Steph relents.
“Okay, they were making fun of your outfit. They think it doesn't fit for a party like this” Steph replies, louder and Grace sighs. She wanted to escape from the bullying of her classmates but of course she wears an outfit like this, it would be expected to be bullied for being different and this outfit is completely different to what everyone else was wearing. She should've known this was going to happen.
Steph pulled Grace out of her thoughts, mentally, and into the middle of the dance floor, physically. The music was loud but now with her headphones, it didn't matter. From the corner of her eye, she could see Pete talking with Richie and Ruth. It seems like they all found each other, Grace thought, a shame that she wasn't invited though. But it's fine, she has Steph, she's dancing with Steph. Hopefully, Pete thinks it's okay for her to dance with Steph, she's not sure though, maybe she could go ask him.
So that's what she did. She stepped out from the dance floor, pulling herself out from Steph's grasp and over to Pete's table. “Grace, what are you doing?” Steph asked, whilst trying to bring her back to the dance floor. “Just going to ask Pete something, I'll be back.” she replied, Steph tried her best not to look visibly annoyed. Stupid Pete, she doesn't even like Pete, she likes Grace! Oh.. she likes Grace. Well, she's going to have to do something to tell both of them this and it seems the perfect solution came to her with an empty bottle in her hand.
She walks over to the DJ, who was just one of her classmates and tells her to turn the music down and she agrees. “Hey everyone! Lets play spin the bottle” and they erupted into cheers as apparently this is a popular game for 14-year-olds. Everyone moved themselves onto the carpet to form a circle and that's when Grace just caught up to Steph. “Steph, what's this game about?” she had a feeling that she wasn't going to like it. “So, we just sit in a circle and the bottle is in the middle of all of us, one person gets up and spins the bottle and whoever it lands on, they have to go out to the garden and kiss” oh.. Grace couldn't do this, it was against god but as she moved further and further, following Steph, she felt silent.
The headphones felt like they were suffocating her and she couldn't speak but she had to tell Steph she couldn't play this, it was against everything she stood for, she can't kiss someone before marriage, what would her parents think? Imagine if they heard what was happening in this party, and that she was here, she would never be allowed outside again! And then she sat down, trying to be perfect and understanding that her friends wanted her to do this. “Hey grace! Why are you playing this? Are you finally ready to be a dirty girl?” Max Jagerman said, from opposite her. Grace didn't reply, she couldn't even breathe, let alone speak. “Shut the fuck up. Max, ill kick your nose in” Steph replied, standing up for grace. Grace felt thankful but wasn't sure how to say it and that sentence definitely shut max up for a while, which was nice.
And then the moment she dreaded even more started playing out “Okay, everyone, ill go first” Steph said, and spun the bottle as first as she can and by random fate, it landed on the girl she desperately wanted it too. Grace Chasity, the girl who showers in a swimming costume, the girl who isn't even allowed to watch PG movies, as believing they are scandalous, but then, she's a girl who is kind, passionate and loves her friends to a degree that is unheard of, even if she does not understand things are not religious, she still tries and Steph loves that.. So here she goes..
“Come on Grace, lets go” Steph said, and that's when she realised that Grace wasn't even looking, the shock in her face when Steph said her name was evident and now Steph could see the tears pooling in her eyes and that her headphones weren't on her head anymore. This was not how she wanted this to go, but she should have expected it by bringing up that game “stupid” she whispered to herself before moving closer to grace and telling everybody to move away from her. When Grace officially started looking up at Steph for good, she could see the girl was pointing towards the garden and she finally realised that Steph wanted this to happen.
But maybe, it was a joke put on by her other friends. Maybe, it was Pete humiliating her for walking off with Steph earlier. Maybe, Steph wasn't the friend Grace thought she was and this was all for popularity. Or maybe, Steph actually wanted to kiss grace, but why, they were both girls. “Girls can't kiss girls, Gracie. You need to marry a man” her mothers voice whispered in the back of her mind. Grace was conflicted by comfort she got by hanging around Steph and her mothers voice telling her it was a sin for her to kiss another girl. “No” she wanted to scream and her mothers voice crept back in again. “You have to be perfect, Grace, you should never scream or make a scene anywhere, you understand me” Grace physically nodded at the memory and then felt Steph's hand pull her up and out into the garden.
As they rushed out into the garden, thoughts of sin rushed through her brain but there was always one thing that stood in front of it – comfort — she made her choice. Standing in the garden, they stood close each other and Steph looked over at Grace, looking terrified and slightly shaking so she said “we don't have to do anything if you don't want to” she paused and waited for grace to reply “I do, I'm just scared” Steph was shocked that Grace actually wanted to so she finished what she was “well, I've been thinking about this day for years” and then Grace looked into Steph's eyes and just said, in the softest voice “okay”.
“Okay?” Steph replied, and Grace nodded so she leaned in, holding Grace's cheek and kissed her. Grace instantly remembered that this was the same girl who comforted and played with her at the park 7 years ago. Her eyes widen at the memory that plays in her head, she couldn't believe that she did actually know Steph all this time and she wasn't insane, this must be where her feeling of comfort around Steph comes from. As she looked forward, she could still see Steph's lips on hers and the sensation came back to her, she didn't like it so she stepped back. (Bad move, Gracie, you're supposed to be perfect).
Grace just stood there, staring at Steph with blurry vision. She just sinned. She fell onto her knees and looked up to the sky and said:
“Dear God,
I ask your forgiveness for I have sinned
I confess the moments where I feel I have fallen short of your will for my life
I pray for strength through the power of your holy spirit, to resist temptation and to pursue a life of holiness and purity that is pleasing to you
Amen.
Grace stood up quickly, Steph was just staring at her, trying not to let the tears fall down her cheeks so Grace looked the other way. At the window, there he was; Max Jagerman and all his followers watching them kiss through his phone. Grace wanted to scream but all she could bring herself to do was run. It was no way near her curfew yet so it's not like she could run home. She needed a safe place, far away from Max and Steph. Tears fell down faster as brought her hands back to her ears, her headphones being discarded a long time ago. She found her safe place on the other side of Steph's large house, in a closet with no clothes in.
Steph immediately followed after Grace, she already understood why Grace did what she did, but it still hurt. She had to make this right. She stormed up to Max and knocked his phone out of his hand, hitting the floor with a loud bang and then more bangs followed afterwards as she punched him in the nose again and again, until he deleted the video of his phone forever. And then, she kicked him out of her house and told him to never come near her ever again. She picked up the headphones Grace discarded and set out to find her.
She already knew that she would be far so she walked into the furthest bedroom, which was hers, of course it was hers. She checked in every single closet and cupboard in her room and on the last one, she found her, rocking back and forth, hands still covering her ears so Steph removed them and used the headphones instead. Grace smiled through tears and Steph sat down next to her. They sat in silence for a few moments before Grace spoke.
“Steph.. When you kissed me.. I remembered something.. Do you remember being at the park 7 years ago and playing with me? "Grace said in intervals. Steph thought for a moment before replying “yeah, Grace i do remember that, that was a fun day but I never knew that was you” Steph replied. “Me either, I always knew I recognised you, and you always made me comfortable but now i guess we know why”
“I made you comfortable?”
“Yeah you always let me talk to you, and you gave me space, and now today you gave me your headphones. You probably subconsciously knew that it was me at the park, with my headphones so you gave them to me” Grace word vomited.
“Probably” Steph replied
They sat in silence for longer, just thinking and Steph thought this would be a good time to ask Grace what she always thought about “Grace, have you ever thought of marrying a woman?” Steph anxiously asked. Grace thought would now be a good time to tell her? I trust her so yes. “I have but my parents don't approve, I have to marry a man, sorry Steph” Grace replied. Steph didn't expect her to actually answer the question, she was very closed off.
“It's okay, Grace. Maybe in another life” Steph says, with tears in her eyes, which Grace does not see.
“In another life”
They pinky promised each other, held hands and walked out of the closet together.
“I love you, Grace”
“I love you, Steph”
They said as they hugged each other.