Chapter Text
His decision haunted him, after.
Several weeks later, the final episodes of "Marry Me" went to air. Jensen wasn't sure if he could bring himself to watch them. The show had already sent him a DVD of "lasting memories" which had made him laugh bitterly. He wanted to put the whole experience far, far behind him. He wanted to forget.
But another part of him knew that he owed the show - he owed Jared - so much and it would do the man a disservice to write him out of his life.
He sat on the couch beside is mom. She was doing better, so much better. There was still a long road to recovery ahead of her but she'd been given the fighting chance she needed. Despite his personal trauma, that alone made the whole experience worthwhile.
His memories of that awful day flashed through his mind. The worst part wasn't even the cameras that had chased him after he fled; demanding to know what was going through his mind and why he'd done it. (Watching that on air was going to be excruciating, he remembered stammering out something like, "I don't know, I just can't marry Jared like this." And then getting the hell out of there.)
He hadn't spoken to Jared since he left him at the altar. Had barely even seen him; the only time they were in the same place was at Blair and Chuck's thousand-guest wedding, where it was all too easy to avoid someone in the crowd without even trying. And he’d tried, but Jared had just slipped away.
He missed Jared. Missed him intensely. It was like missing a limb, the first few weeks. He kept looking around for the tall presence by his side, wanting to point out something beautiful, or share an inside joke. But Jared was gone, and nothing could fill that hole except time.
The thing Jensen hadn’t realised at the time, but knew now, was that he’d not only left Jared, but he’d broken his own heart. He hadn’t thought through the consequences, he hadn’t realised that Jared would suddenly be gone from his life. And he hadn’t realised just how damn much it would hurt.
The cheesy music knocked him out of his reverie. This was it, the episode he didn't want to see, but had to watch. The setup, the getting dressed, it was played like the wedding was going to go ahead. Jared jovially joking with Misha and his sister, looking expectant and happy. Jensen checking himself out in a mirror. Everything played for expectant romance. Until there was a scene of Jensen and Misha whispering; thankfully the cameras hadn't picked up what was actually said, but it looked bad.
Well, it had been bad. He shuddered in memory.
He couldn't actually watch as he left Jared at the altar. His mom patted his hand as he buried his face in a cushion.
But the aftermath, that he couldn't get out of his head.
Finally, there was the interview with Jared. He looked angry, shocked. His usual charm was nowhere to be seen and it was like a punch to the gut. He'd done that. He, Jensen, had done that to Jared. It made him sick to his stomach; how had it all gone so wrong? He hadn’t meant to hurt him, he’d only wanted to save him.
"Did you see this coming?" Gretchen asked.
Jared shook his head. "No. I thought we were fine. I want to know what the hell Misha said to him; I want to know what went on." He drummed his fingers on the edge of the interview couch, looking uncomfortable and upset.
"And do you have a message for Jensen at all?"
This was it. Jensen braced himself. After trying so hard to contact Jared in the few days of crazy, he'd given up when he'd flown back to Texas. He still had Jared's phone number and after a week had passed, he hesitantly dialled the number.
But Jared didn't pick up. Jared never picked up, not even once of the several times he tried over the next few weeks.
Finally, Jensen had given up on the idea of a call and texted an apology. He didn't even know if Jared got it. But he had to try. "I'm so sorry. It all got too complicated and I wish I could explain. Please call me. Any time."
Then he'd typed another line. "I still love you."
But then he deleted it because that was the last thing Jared needed to hear from him.
He'd set Jared free. That's what he kept reminding himself, over and over. And if Jared had really wanted him, well, wouldn't he have made contact by now? If he'd learned anything from the wedding show, it was that true love always wins out. It had worked for John and Dell. It had worked for Chuck and Blair.
It hadn't worked for him.
And so he had to suck it up and get on with his life, and feel grateful that this episode was at least giving him a tiny bit of closure.
"Jensen..." TV-Jared swallowed; there was a hitch in his voice. Jensen's heart constricted. He remembered every detail so well, the low timbre of Jared's voice when he was being romantic, the scent of his skin, even the feeling of his warm body whenever they were pressed together. He missed him. He wanted him still.
"Jensen," Jared tried again, his voice steadier this time. "You broke my heart."
And that was all he said.
It was all Jensen could hear, over and over, after the episode ended.
---
Jensen got on with his life. He took a job at the local bar, singing on alternate nights, bartending the others. He thought about getting his old band back together but that would involve a lot of practice and probably touring and he wanted to stick close to home.
People often did a double-take when they saw him on the street. It was another reason he loved bar work; it was dark in there and the typical patrons didn't watch reality dating shows. For that he was grateful.
Every so often, a group of fans would come to one of his performances. It was fun, playing for them. The applause was wonderfully enthusiastic (even though part of him wondered if they were cheering for TV-Jensen rather than artist-Jensen, it was still pretty great). Sometimes they asked him for pictures or autographs and he was happy to oblige.
But thankfully, here in his hometown, he could quietly disappear from the spotlight.
He spent a lot of time with his mom. They'd been granted the most incredible gift, of extra time, and it had brought the entire family closer together. Jensen didn't think they'd all been this close since he was a teenager and it was pretty wonderful. For everything that they'd been through - that he had been through, and even though he suspected he still had a broken heart, it was worth it.
(The truth was, even if his heart was broken, he deserved it. So he didn't think about it too much. He just kept reminding himself that he'd done the best thing for Jared. That was all that mattered.)
The last few episodes of "Marry Me" aired and he was happy to watch them, because it was just Chuck and Blair, and John and Dell. The producers had built the suspense right up until the final episode, cutting back and forward between the two weddings. John and Dell's was tiny and they'd actually held the ceremony at night beneath the stars, next to the ocean. The waves crashing in the background had made such a magical, romantic backdrop.
Jensen wished he'd been able to attend that one but they hadn't wanted any guests.
And when it came time to sign the official documents, they had meekly confessed that they were already married (they'd had a secret courthouse union the day after the house had burned down) and were summarily disqualified.
Which meant that Chuck and Blair were the winners.
Not like it was a surprise to anyone.
They'd been frontrunners all the way along. They'd thrown the most incredible, perfect wedding, in a huge cathedral, complete with a choir, five gorgeous attendants each, and they were married by the head of the church. Every detail was perfect, every colour resplendent.
And despite all of that, the most beautiful part of all had been the looks on Blair and Chuck's faces when they saw each other. Jensen had been in the congregation several rows back, sitting with John and Dell (Jared was on the other side avoiding them all), and even at that distance, he teared up when seeing their faces.
The vows were heartfelt, the kiss genuine and sweet.
He tried to not think of the fact that it could have been him. Him and Jared, promising themselves to each other, overjoyed at a future together. They could have gone all the way if he hadn’t freaked out; it could have been them with a beautiful wedding. But as it turned out, only Chuck and Blair were the ones to see it through.
They deserved to win. (Even if they were sometimes outrageously obnoxious and ruthless, well, that was the personality type that won, right?)
Jensen found himself watching the occasional episode of "C&B in NYC!" which followed the couple on their honeymoon and beyond. Reality TV really could be addictive, especially when he knew the people in question.
But beyond that, Jensen was pretty sure he'd have nothing to do with TV ever again.
That was, until the phone rang one Tuesday afternoon.