Chapter Text
Will Lenney had known he was gay since he was a teenager. As if by some angel messenger or his inner conscious, it had come to him in a dream. There he was surrounded by his friends and family on his wedding day, the most special day of his life, a day to celebrate love and happiness. At the end of the aisle wasn’t a woman however, it was a man. He could never make out the face of the man, he didn’t think that was particularly important. But he was tall with a wide stance and a grinning smile, unmistakable a man. It made him lie awake at night, thinking. Thinking of his queerness.
From then on, when his peers were talking about girls and dates, a chill ran through his spine. Would they know? Could they see his fake interest in women? Did he nod in all the correct places, laugh when he was supposed to laugh and stare at the right parts of the posters his friends would show off? He knew it wasn’t normal to be gay, noughties Britain wasn’t exactly accepting of people who were different. He knew he was different. He felt different, he felt wrong.
Will had many successful relationships with women over the years, he was good looking and had no trouble getting the girls. He had genuinely formed real connections with many of them, though he never felt anything beyond a loving friendship. That’s why his last relationship ended, she found out that he did not love her the way she did with him. They had been together for half a decade and not once did Will feel anything beyond what he would for a mate. He faked it obviously, said the right things, kissed her when she needed it and took care of her, but it never felt right. He never felt like he was being his true self.
***
It was December of 2024, Will’s editors had just put the finishing touches on one of his favourite videos to date, “I Doubled My Run Every Day For 18 Days”. It certainly wasn’t one of his favourites to film, particularly on that last day, but he loved the over-aching message behind it, make the extra effort to go see those you hold dear. He had run almost 90km to go see his best friend, James Marriott, in his home in Brighton. His best friend, though that's not what the comments saw. Almost immediately after he hit upload, the comments started.
“This is the best romance movie I've ever watched”
“Best husband's ever”
“This is the most adorable thing ever”
“the fact that this is all for james (they are my favourite duo) ❤️”
He wasn’t one to read comments, it wasn’t good for his head, but something compelled him to do it this one time. As if the universe was signalling to just take a little peak. Shit. Will looked at each comment, one by one, over-analysing every single word. Between each heartfelt comment of people congratulating Will on his achievement and people sharing their own emotive stories was the comments about his and James’ relationship. He knew they were joking, that whenever James was in one of his videos it attracted his alternative, queer audience, but he couldn’t get their messages out of his head. They had no idea that he was actually gay, nobody did, but that made their comments more real.
“this video is feeling more like a rom-com”
“the end was fucking beautiful”
“You and James are so cute together”
Together. With another man? Could they see inside of his head, inside of his heart and his soul? Did they know what he really desired? As if no time had passed at all, he was back lying wide awake in his childhood bedroom, staring at the ceiling. He could remember every detail as if he had never left. The intricate detailing of the painted ceiling, of the lights from passing cars outside, the sounds of his parents sleeping on the other side of the wall, having no idea of the dream he had just had. And yet still, fifteen years later, having no idea of the dream he had, the thoughts he was feeling and who he really wanted to be.
Fourteen year old William Lenney was living in a world that wasn’t accepting of who he was, the real him. Twenty-nine year old Will was living in a much more accepting environment. His best friend himself had grown up struggling with his sexuality, repressing it hoping it would go away. And now was living his truth. James was openly queer. He never labelled it, he felt like his art spoke for itself. It felt so liberating having the freedom and the security to express himself just as he wanted. Will felt the complete opposite. No matter how many times he had tried to have a conversation with James about his sexuality, the words never came out. He had wanted to confide in James for years now, finally unleashing exactly what he had been feeling for fifteen years. Fifteen years of repression and denial. Could he do it now? After all of these comments. James was sure to see them, after all he was chronically online and loved to interact and tease fans about certain things. James and Will’s relationship was one of them.
As the new year rolled in, so did the comments. After every single collaboration with James, there would be new comments, posts and edits alluding to their secret relationship.
“will taking james to the most romantic places while taking mikey the most whimsical places is very showing of their dynamics”
“can't believe they put date night down as a business expense”
“How did they announce it?” i’m actually crying laughing, i have actual tears”
He had regretted the words as soon as they escaped his mouth. “How did they announce it” The comments had picked up in recent months. Many referring to them as boyfriend, hundreds comparing them to Dan and Phil. “How did they announce it” He thought of Dan and Phil, two original YouTubers, still in the game after all these years. He thought of Dan especially, someone he looked up to, especially in recent years. He had watched his coming out video a dozen or so times, hoping desperately that he one day would have the courage and be brave enough to show his audience, his friends and most importantly his family who the real him was.
“How did they announce it”
They had. The news broke on a cold Monday evening in October, just as Will was settling in for the night. He would get home from the office, order food and watch some series he did not care about alone in his flat whilst scrolling Twitter. It was everywhere “OG YouTubers Dan and Phil announce 16-year-relationship”, good for them, Will thought, putting down his phone for the night.
“"I think I'd wait 16 years" WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE JAMES”
Why’d he make that reference? He knows what the comments would say. Will pretends he doesn’t understand, but he does. Of course he does. It's the biggest news in UK YouTube this month. Everybody understands.
"Thoughts about proposals? Do you have a way you'd want it to be done?"
Why was he leaning into the joke? He had mentioned on some podcast earlier that year that it was more gay to not lean into the jokes, but was it? Did he enjoy making the jokes? Enjoy the ideas of being with a man? No. He couldn’t. It wasn’t normal. It wasn’t right. And with James? Even worse. Would it be so bad? Yes. But he cares for you. I know and that’s what made it worse.
Autumn turned into Winter, Will tried to do videos with other people whilst James was on tour but it wasn’t the same. He knew it, the crew knew it and most certainly the comments knew it.
“James is looking a bit different today”
“Quit cheating on james”
He knew it was stupid, he knew that they were only joking but whenever he did make a video on his channel with someone other than James it did feeling like cheating. Like he was betraying James in some bizarre and strange way that he didn’t quite understand fully. The second channel had become a joint channel over the last two years. Where the main channel had become a place for next to television level quality videos, the second channel was easy and fun. Perhaps to do with the light hearted content or most importantly the company, but one thing was clear. It had become both his and James’ joint project and that could not be taken away from them.
As November turned into December, James was playing his final show this year at the roundhouse in London. Of course Will was going to be there, along with the rest of his team. James was his mate and he wouldn’t miss it for the world. Yet, the only thought that played on his mind throughout the entire show was how good he looked on that stage. Not in a gay way obviously, Will made that abundantly clear to himself. Though that did not stop Will from admiring the way the light reflected on James’ body, highlighting the intricate details of his forearms as well as the way his hands looked at home on his guitar and how every word he sang felt as if it was aimed at just him. The next song, Car Lights, one of Will’s personal favourites. A song about acceptance, strength and courage, to be who you are even if it makes you uncomfortable, to live your truth. Perhaps it meant more to him because it was James who wrote the song or perhaps its message resonated with him a little too well, either way it was special.
“I'm not scared there's nothing to run from”
Every note, every syllable that escaped from James’ mouth was perfect. Car Light’s was a special song to James. Not because he loved to perform it, in fact it was probably one of the most difficult and heart-wrenching to perform on the set list, but purely because of how much it meant to him, his friends and his audience.
“I'm not scared there's nothing to run from, well”
If only Will could be open about who he was. What if he had taken that step as a teenager? What if he could rewrite the past? Be the person he so desperately wanted, be able to show everyone who the real him was. To be an out man.
“I feel like I'm falling for someone”
How could life have been had he come out, had he had the courage. Would he be standing here right now, holding someone's hand? To love and be loved truly for the first time. To be here in love. Will’s eyes were infatuated on James, unable to take his eyes off him. Every word rang true.
“I feel like I'm falling for someone”
‘Falling for someone. What would that feel like?’ Will thought. A great sense of desire and adoration. The feeling that you’ve known the person for centuries. The deep and desperate craving for closeness and warmth. Will locked eyes with James. At that moment he knew. His mouth fell dry and his eyes welled with tears, though none fell. He was in love with his best friend.