Work Text:
I. frostbite
Julius hated the cold.
It was just something that always was. It wasn’t so much the sting in his fingertips or the biting air at his face that he didn’t like, but a deeper feeling that never sat quite right.
The cold made his chest ache like missing an old friend or a place he cannot return to.
The cold made him anxious, made him want to pace like he was expecting something bad to happen.
The cold made him think of the Spade Kingdom. And thinking about the Spade Kingdom made his head spin in all the ways he didn’t like.
Whenever winter rolled in, he shut himself in as much as he could given his title. The cold hurt. Hurt his bones, his heart, and his soul.
The cold brought the bitter taste of nostalgia to his tongue. The cold made him think things that made his head feel fuzzy, dizzy like nothing else could make him. He wasn’t someone who could remember his dreams most of the time— the exception was only when he could feel the bite of cold at his fingers, stinging his lungs and confusing him at every turn.
He hated the cold.
Because the cold made him remember.
And he wasn’t sure if he liked the things he saw.
II. deer tracks
Julius hated when he could remember his dreams in the night.
They always confused him.
It was something that made him uncomfortable.
It wasn’t real. Logically, he knew that. But it doesn’t stop it from feeling real.
He was back on the Grey Deer again. Winter, the one he couldn’t escape even in his dreams. When he’s awake, the Grey Deer emblem was something that made him happy and proud and giddy over how far he’s come. When he’s asleep, it’s something that screams a warning at him— a perpetual nagging feeling like this was something he needed to pay attention to.
One of his subordinates stood beside him, trying to talk to him. This was someone who had died a long time ago. It felt off, uncanny. It made him sick to his stomach. He was so unnerved that he couldn’t focus on anything but the snow crunching under his feet because it’s the least rattling thing in his presence at the moment.
“Do you ever wonder what we’re meant to exist for, brother?”
What?
His attention snapped back into focus and he turned to his subordinate. Their face was all wrong, contorted in a way that didn’t match this person at all. But it felt familiar all the same. But he couldn’t remember and it hurt to think about it too hard.
“What?” Was all he could manage, croaking out in a state of bafflement.
His subordinate blinked, looking weirdly amused, “Never mind.”
“Who are you?” Came out of his mouth before he could stop it. But this person wasn’t who he knew and it bothered him. It didn’t feel correct. Like something only pretending.
“Do you ever wonder what we’re meant to exist for, brother?”
Julius felt feverish, confused, “You already said that. And why are you calling me that?”
Their face shifted… worse than before. They stared at him blankly, like their soul left their body completely. He couldn’t bear looking at them any longer, so he shifted his gaze to the distant snowy landscape. But it… no longer seemed the same.
Before him, stretched an open expanse of taiga. The Clover Kingdom didn’t have a taiga. In the distance, he could spot a castle— not one he recognized. Glancing down, he found his legs felt unbearably heavy… he’s in a wheelchair.
“Lucius, what did I tell you about coming out here? You need to stay where I can see you.” A feminine voice admonished him like he’s a child who would break at the slightest gust of wind. It made him feel hot with anger— I’m not weak, don’t treat me as such.
His anger subsided and the only thing left was who is Lucius?
His head hurt. A sharp stabbing pain— the one he always got when he thought too hard about things from his dreams. So much worse this time. It pounded in his skull, pressure behind his eyes and a throbbing in his temples.
He turned to look at the woman. She’s blonde and her face was blank… then it contorted oddly and she said, “Do you ever wonder what we’re meant to exist for, brother?”
This again?
But she continued, when his subordinate hadn’t.
“Do you ever wonder about everything we could be? All the opportunities that are there for the taking? We’re not weak, not helpless. No.”
“What-?”
“There must be a thousand timelines and then some. Wouldn’t it be perfect if we could choose the best one? We could help everyone. We could make sure humanity takes the right path. I refuse to believe that the only thing we can possibly do in our lives is sit here and be nothing more than someone to take care of. I am not helpless. We are not helpless. And I’m gonna be the one to prove it.”
This didn’t feel right.
Not right at all.
“Julius, I have an idea. I have something to show you.”
III. the ticking of a clock
Before him was a sight he could not comprehend.
Julius was in an odd room, filled with the unending sound of a clock ticking. There was no clock. It just… existed outside of his perception. Going tick tick tick tick.
There was a deer. A gray one, with massive antlers. It felt wrong. Its legs bent wrong and its eyes were set forward and it felt like how it always did to stand near Asta.
And when it opened its mouth, it was just the same as before.
“We have the chance to save humanity. We can keep us on the right path. Doesn’t that sound great, Julius? I’d like to see the great things we can do. But I’ll need your help, brother. Devils are the perfect tools to help us, aren’t they? This one here… if we make a deal with him, we’ll be able to see everything! We deserve this kind of power. Humanity can utilize a power like this so much better, can’t we?”
“I-…”
“Don’t worry about it, Julius. I’ll take care of everything. Just give me the go ahead.”
He couldn’t control his mouth as he replied, “Okay. I trust you.”
“We’ll do such wonderful things. You understand me best. Mother and Father don’t get us at all. It’s us against the world, Julius. I’m going to make sure we bring out our best and prove ourselves to everyone.”
“Yeah… I trust you. I’ll always love you.”
“You’re the only one I have.”
IV. fecundity
He had siblings. Maybe. Other than the voice haunting him.
Their faces blurred and he couldn’t grasp any coherent details.
‘You’re the only one I have.’ felt wrong in his head.
They’re not alone. Never were. And yet…
“Don’t worry about them. I can see it all, Julius. They’ll have their uses,” The smallest one said, rubbing at a greenish bruise on his cheek.
“Uses?”
“Don’t worry. You’re the only one that matters.”
“But-…”
“Enough, Julius. I’m not arguing with you. You know I can’t stand it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I understand you better than anyone. Apologies are worthless when I already know how you feel.”
“Right…”
“We’re going to do wonders. Their purpose is to help us. Don’t get sentimental.”
V. prove yourself
“They’ll be fine. I’ve seen it all. Didn’t I tell you not to get sentimental?”
He found himself talking to his own reflection in the ice along the mountain range that separated Spade from everyone else. But it felt right this time. Because his reflection had black hair and a familiar smug look on his face.
“I know that.”
“I want you to do something for us. It’s why we’re crossing the mountain. You’re gonna live in Clover. It’ll be good for you, I know you hate the cold.” He felt like there was something Lucius wasn’t telling him.
“What should I do?”
“Prove yourself. For us. I’ve seen it, Julius. You’re gonna do wonderfully. I’ll be watching. I trust you. This is all for our dream… we’re gonna help humanity. Everyone is going to be happy and they won’t fight anymore. Nobody will be weak in our world. Not anyone, especially not us.”
“You’re gonna bring peace…?”
“We will. Go on. I’m always here for you. It’s your turn to be strong.”
He stared back and his chest ached, “I love you, my brother.”
Lucius just smiled and said nothing.
Going into Clover made him feel all sorts of wrong. Like he was forgetting something important. But nothing came to mind, so he shrugged it off.
If he couldn’t remember, surely it wasn’t important.
VI. alone in a distant land
Julius snapped awake in a cold sweat.
Getting up and feeling disgusting, he sat on the edge of his bed. The chill in the air made his hair stand on end, skin prickling.
He hated the cold.
He hated dreaming.
He hated a lot of things but he loved even more. He loved so much.
He hated waking up from the dreams he couldn’t remember.
The nostalgia felt like a cold weight in his stomach.
In moments like this one, he always felt alone.
Unbearably alone.
VII. trust
Watching Asta fight that giant devil made him feel uneasy. He should’ve had enough time. He should’ve. He knew how much time he had and it should’ve been enough. But it wasn’t. And he couldn’t understand why.
And now that it’s dead, he couldn’t help but feel like it wasn’t over. He felt sick. And anxious. It felt like something else was coming. Something worse. Something he could stop if only he knew how.
When Damnatio confronted him in his office, showering him in pages upon pages of information detailing something called Astaroth, he felt dizzy again. And his head hurt again. And everything felt jumbled and confusing.
It made him think of giant gray deer. And dreams that made no sense. It made him think of the Spade Kingdom.
And only one thing made sense through it all. Because logically, it was the only conclusive fact when faced with the information in his tiny hands.
I’m the problem.
Everything around him swayed violently, like he’s in a glass bottle being shaken vigorously. The sickness increased, threatening to make him spill his guts out.
Lucius smiled before him, “Hello again, brother. It’s been so long. Relax. I’m here. You’re not alone.”
“Lucius, I-…”
“I’ve seen it, Julius. The future. True peace for the world.”
But he knew… that’s not how it would go. How it should go.
“Lucius, that isn’t…”
Lucius laughed bitterly. He sighed and said, “Yes, I foresaw that you’d try to stop me as well. Such a shame. No one is closer to me than you. And yet you don’t understand. You, out of all people, should’ve been the one to understand.”
“What do you plan to do?”
“It’s alright. I’ve already seen it all. We’ll be able to bring peace to the world. Just close your eyes, dear brother, and sleep.”
He wanted to stop Lucius.
He wanted to.
He needed to.
But he felt so tired and he couldn’t bring himself to… why would he ever want to?
He’s the only one I have…
He slipped into a dreamless slumber, relieved when only darkness consumed him and wasn’t followed by confusing dreams.
I trust you.
I don’t have any other choice.