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Cradled by cream sheets I found myself daydreaming, once again. With my eyes closed, I could almost feel him sleeping by my side, arm draped over my chest and his long slim leg over mine. I could almost feel his head nestled into my neck and his soft breathing ghosting over my skin. I could almost feel his heartbeat, strong and steady. When I opened my eyes I felt tears stream down the sides of my face. I had to feel my side, I had to know if he was there...
Damn it all.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes, trying to rub the tears away. Ah, my contacts. I'd left them in because he loved to see me with blue eyes... I took them out and threw them to the corner, it didn't matter, I had more. The moonlight was streaming through my window, and for a moment I saw him, standing there, the moon shining on his paled skin, his raven blue streaked hair seeming to glow. His legs and shoulder exposed, wearing nothing but one of my lace up shirts, one of the ones he gave me.
"Must you always wear my shirts?"
"It's not my fault they're comfortable."
A chuckle, "You only wear the ones you get me." "
Do I?"
" You do." He purred as he spoke.
" Maybe I should buy your entire wardrobe."
I was reaching out, "Should you?"
"Yes." He let himself get pulled onto the bed and ino my arms.
"Maybe I won't complain about it if I get to see you like this more often." I was nuzzled into his neck, planting soft kisses, powdering them over his cheeks and nose.
"Didn't this begin with you complaining?" His thin arms wrapped over my shoulders, tongue flicking over his lips.
"I suppose it did."
Just a daydream, a memory of one of our last nights together. My heart was heavy, sinking deep into my stomach. I sighed, climbing out of my bed and going to the bathroom. A shower would calm me down.
As I felt the hot water fall over me, I imagined him in front of me. His thin body covered in water, no makeup, hair flat down, back turned to me with a shy peak over his shoulder.
"Do you like what you see?" He asked me.
I purred, grasping his womanly waist and pulling him close, "I do, very much."
"Good," He said, turning to face me and plant a kiss on the corner of my mouth, "Because I like what I see too."
I shook my head, changing the water temperature to freezing. Wake up, wake up. I couldn't stand constantly seeing him, I just couldn't. I dried my hair and body, wrapping the towel around my waist and left my bathroom.
My cellphone vibrated on the bedside table. I ignored it.
I didn't really think about what I put on, just a pair of sweatpants. He always gave me a look when I wore them casually. My eyes paused on silk dress pants, a pair he'd gotten me. I couldn't bare to get rid of them, or anything that he gave me.
Behind the clothes, I knew that I had a picture hanging, one that I couldn't bare seeing, but one I couldn't get rid of. I didn't need to look at it, I had it memorized down to the detail of his eyelashes.
My phone vibrated again, and again. I continued to ignore it, probably my manager. I went to the living room, turning on the television before going to my kitchen. I knew it was early, but I didn't care as I poured myself some scotch. I needed something strong.
"Damn, how do you always find the good stuff?" Kozi asked, taking another drink from his glass.
I chuckled, "I know how to look, and I don't settle with the cheep stuff."
A laugh, "So you're the opposite of him, eh?" Yu~ki was chuckling, his glass pointed at me before he brought it back to his lips.
"Remember last time Kozi brought the alcohol?" It was Kami, his own chuckle mixing with Yu~ki's, the honey liquid soon passing his lips.
"Well, fuck you both too." Kozi said as he rolled his eyes, pulling a bottle of jin from a bag beside him and holding it up for us to see, "I guess I can save this for myself then."
"Now, now, now," A feminine hand reached out and snatched the bottle from our guitarist. "Don't be hasty, Kozi-wozi." He nestled into my side, cheeks faintly flushed.
Kozi just chuckled, "That's what I thought."
I took the bottle form my lover, pouring it's clear contents into fresh glasses. We weren't done with the scotch, but it was late, we were in a hotel, didn't have a concert the next day, and had no reason not too.
Kami was the first to take a sip before he paused. We all waited in silence for a moment before he said anything.
"Fucking tastes like Christmas."
I felt myself smiling from the memory. I could still smell the sickly mix of alcohol's and sweat, and his perfume. But as quickly as the smile came, it left and tears took it's place.
That had been so much fun... Kozi, Yu~ki... Kami... Mana...
My glass was overflowing, quickly I wiped up the mess, and cleaned the bottle.
"What a waste."
Kami's voice, ringing in the back of my head.
"I know, sorry about that."
"Don't bother apologizing, just work on drinking it all without throwing up."
I chuckled, a cross between a happy and depressed chuckle.
"Kami..."
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not the one who needs to hear that, Gaku."
For a moment I questioned if it was really him, or if I was finally going crazy.
"I know."
"Do you?"
I nodded, leaning against the wall and sinking to the floor.
"You... you're kicking me out?" I felt like I was impaled with flaming needles.
"We're asking you to leave, Gackt." It was Kozi, his voice was firm, but I could hear a quiver. This isn't what he wanted to say.
"We need a new dynamic, and the majority of the fan base around you just isn't doing well for the band as a whole." Yu~ki couldn't meet my gaze, he just sat there, eyes on the bottle of beer in his hands.
Kami was completely silent. I knew I couldn't look to him for help. So instead I looked to our leader, my lover, but he only nodded, face an emotionless mask. What could I do? What could I say? These were my friends, my family, the people who I would have died for in an instant... I felt so alone, so empty in those moments, and that sadness gave way to rage.
"Fine." I stood, making my way to the door. "If this is what you all want, that's fine. But don't expect anything from me in the future." I glanced back, eyes filled with daggers. "I wish you all the best, but don't expect an open house anymore." And I left.
They tried calling, he tried calling, but I never answered. I went on tour... I missed Kami's funeral, and when I finally went to his grave and looked for his parents, I was debating waiting in the streets, waiting for some car to get close enough...
He wouldn't have wanted that...
The whole time, I whispered apologies, vocally, internally, the entire time. Yet, I wasn't entirely sure why, or even, to who.
Was I apologizing to them all? To Kami? To Kozi? Yu~ki?
To him?
I sighed, and the doorbell rang, and it rang again. I set down the half empty glass and went to the door. Who the hell would be there at this time of day?
When I opened the door, I was stupefied by what I saw. A long elegant black trench coat over a feminine body, shoulder length raven hair, a face that belonged to a fallen angel, and heart shaped lips painted black. He was looking at me with eyes hidden with sunglasses.
"I was trying to call you, to tell you I was coming." He spoke with a voice deeper than most would expect.
I couldn't think or breathe properly. My arms went around him, pulling him into a tight embrace, "Gomenasai, Mana." I whispered against his ear. His own thin arms wrapped around me, returning the embrace.
I heard him whisper back, "Gomenasai, Gackuto."
It wouldn't all be okay, but in that moment I didn't care. I just wanted to hold him in my arms, and he seemed just fine with that...