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Ilya knows he shouldn’t text. He told himself he wasn’t going to. What was the point? Have Hollander reject him directly again? This time in writing so he can reread it constantly instead of just replaying it back in his head? As fucking if.
And yet. And yet, he scrolls through his messages to find his thread with ‘Jane’.
Shane can’t reject him if he doesn’t make a request. He’s not asking him to meet. They’re not even in the same country at the moment. He just has to say something.
For someone who was constantly calling Ilya an asshole, Shane sure could be one too. Obviously he had understood that last time had been different, too, because he visibly panicked and fucking ran away.
Ilya had wanted to prove himself to Shane. First fuck him hard and good and how he liked it until Shane got in that headspace he often found himself in after they had sex. The way he softened and relaxed, curled into Ilya’s arms and chest and pressed kisses to his skin and let Ilya press them to his in return.
Ilya’s thought process had been that he’d be more likely to say yes after Ilya had given him what he wanted, what he needed, proved that he could and would take care of Shane in bed like he always has.
And then he’d show him how well he could take care of him outside of sex, too. Make Shane want him for more than just sex, prove he could be that for him. But it had been too much, using his first name too.
Shane liked routine. They had a routine. Ilya had changed too much at once when he slipped up and used his first name in such an intimate manner. He understood why Shane had panicked.
But instead of letting Ilya help with that panic, or talking it out later, he goes and gets a girlfriend?
Not just any girlfriend, but an incredibly popular public figure? Ilya doesn’t even think Shane likes women. When he told Ilya he did, he hadn’t sounded convincing at all. And yet it’s the perfect solution to Shane’s anxieties.
It feels too perfect to be real. And if it is.
And if it is real, then it means Ilya doesn’t mean anything to Shane.
Or if he does, it’s not as much as Rose Landry.
That this thing between them, that has lasted all through their late teens and early twenties, means less to Shane than a month or so with Rose.
And how is Ilya meant to live with that when this thing between them has been the only thing to keep him grounded at times? One of the only things he actually looks forward to? One of the only times sex isn’t some meaningless way to pass his time, to feel like he has worth?
Playing against Shane is the only time Ilya truly loves to play hockey. Of course he likes it. It’s fun. But he’s never enjoying being on the ice more than when he’s competing with Shane.
How is he supposed to keep playing against him regularly when just seeing TV footage of them makes him feel this way? Ilya wishes he could turn it off. Why should he have to be the only one to care?
Shane doesn’t get to make him feel this way and not take responsibility for it.
Ilya begins to type before he can think any better of it.
Lily: It was not meant as a suggestion.
Jane: ?
Jane: What are you talking about?
Lily: When I said I never hear about you with women. Was not intended as a suggestion to change.
Jane: Are you serious right now?
Jane: Do you think I started seeing someone just because of our last conversation?
Lily: Is coincidence?
Jane: Fuck off.
Jane: Yes, it is a coincidence I met someone after we had that conversation.
Jane: It just happened.
Lily: If you say so.
Jane: Fuck you.
Lily: Don’t think your girlfriend would like that.
Jane: Jesus Christ.
“Whoa,” Hayden says, causing Shane’s head to snap up. He realizes Hayden has leaned too far into his space, nodding towards Shane’s (thankfully) locked phone screen. There’s a text notification from Lily clearly displayed.
“You’re still talking to Lily?” Hayden continues, looking at Shane with a complicated expression. “I thought you and Rose were exclusive? I didn’t take you for the two-timing type.”
Shane’s cheeks flush. “First of all, how are you supposed to teach your kids manners when you have none? Don’t read my texts.” He can’t help but imagine if his phone had been unlocked. He has no idea what Ilya has said, but he still doesn’t want Hayden to see it.
“And it’s not like that. I would never cheat.” And Shane believes that. Wants to. He broke up with his high school girlfriend back when he first met Ilya and nothing had even happened then. He isn’t a cheater. And in all honesty, he really didn’t actually expect Ilya to be okay with or make an attempt at being the other ‘woman’ so to say anyway.
“Thank god,” Hayden exhales. “I don’t know what I was gonna do if you were. It would’ve been so weird. Would’ve fucked with my whole idea of you as a person.”
Shane has barely any time to think about how if he knew the actual truth his perception would be changed still because Hayden isn’t completely satisfied yet. “But if it’s not that, what is it? Why are you still talking to someone you used to hook up with all the time?”
Shane supposes it’s a good question. Hayden’s a good friend, a good guy, for calling him out when that’s what he thought it was. But Shane still doesn’t know what to actually say to him.
“She heard about me and Rose, I guess,” Shane starts. “And it’s just weird cause like, we … hung out for a few years, ya know? Then we stopped seeing each other abruptly.”
Hayden interrupts with a hum and a nod. “She’s upset you’re dating Rose when you only hooked up with her casually for years. That makes sense, she’s hurt, feelin’ insecure and whatever,” Hayden says sagely. Shane sputters for a moment and Hayden puts his hands up. “Not saying anything about you for that, man. Just saying I understand why she’s texting you.”
As he finishes the statement, another text comes through.
Lily: I think you are scared. I think I scared you last time.
Shane’s chest tightens and he squeezes his eyes closed. Obviously he had been scared last time. It was so … so domestic. Ilya asked him to stay. Ilya made him food. Ilya paid attention to his drink of choice and not only made sure to have it on hand, he had put it in the fridge early enough for it to be cold when Shane drank it.
He had felt so cared for the entire time, it left him feeling warm and fuzzy like all the cliches said. It felt like so much more than just a convenient hook up. It felt like a date. A clear change in their typical dynamic. And then Ilya had moaned his name. His first name.
And Shane had used his back. Tasted it on his tongue, how right it felt. And that was terrifying. It still felt terrifying. He tried not to think about it, succeeded a lot; sometimes with the help of Rose and sometimes other friends or his parents. But sometimes, his mind drifted back to Ilya sitting on his couch.
That hurt look on his face, the way he said his last name not once but twice like he was trying to erase having used his first name at all. Like he could undo this massive shift.
He hadn’t done anything wrong. Not really. If Shane had been any other guy, maybe things would’ve been different. But he isn’t a different guy. He’s one of the top MLH players and Ilya’s rival at that.
There is nothing Ilya can do to change that. So no, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Shane didn’t go out with J.J. that night with the intention of getting a girlfriend. Especially not a public one.
Though he would be a liar to say he hadn’t thought about how now no one else could say they never heard about Shane and girls and see? Clearly he likes them. But it wasn’t the why.
He needed Ilya to know that.
Jane: Listen, I really am sorry about last time. You’re right, I was scared, and it was wrong of me to just leave like that.
Jane: But that’s not why I’m dating Rose.
Lily: Was wrong, huh? First I am hearing about this.
Shane sighs again, loud enough for Hayden to look over again and slap a hand on his back. “Not going well, huh, buddy?” he asks.
All Shane can do is shake his head. “I owe her an apology but I don’t really know what I can say to her.” Hayden gave a sympathetic smile.
Before Shane can continue his phone buzzes in his hand again, a follow up text from Ilya.
Lily: Why are you dating her?
Jesus Christ. Shane puts his phone back down deciding to take a moment to think and calm down before replying to either message.
Ilya is clearly more upset about the situation than Shane expected him to be, perhaps a little foolishly. He tries to put himself in Ilya’s shoes, reverse their positions, and thinks he’d probably be just as hurt. ‘Fuck,’ Shane thinks, ‘I’m the worst.’
Shane watches Hayden shove the last of his items into his bag before slinging it over his shoulder. “Good luck, dude,” he tells Shane, slapping his back once more as he walks past.
That leaves Shane alone in the locker room now. He grabs his phone again, taking a deep breath as he sits down on the bench.
Jane: I should have apologized earlier, you’re right. I kinda thought you wouldn’t want to hear from me.
Jane: Well, the same reason anyone dates anyone, I like her.
Ilya knows he’s made a mistake, knew he was making it when he decided to go through with it anyways. But his frustration just keeps increasing, especially when Shane stops responding.
He knows he shouldn’t have asked any of his questions, but specifically not the last one. He couldn’t help it, though. He needed to know. He needs this situation to at least make sense to him.
His phone is back in his hand the minute he finally hears the text notification what feels like an eternity later. Ilya doesn’t have it in him to make Shane wait in turn. Why should he worry about looking desperate or pathetic now? That ship sailed several texts ago.
He has to fight the urge to throw his phone away when he reads Shane’s replies. The first one, whatever. Ilya had actually blocked Shane’s number for a week — to keep himself from texting, not so much out denying Shane access to him. He hated how much it hurt to see that when he caved and unblocked the number, there hadn’t been a single text waiting for him.
If the only prerequisite for dating is liking someone, why the fuck weren’t they dating?
Ilya knows the answer, of course, but he still finds the thought in his head. Wonders for a moment how different things would be if they weren’t both men. If they weren’t both professional athletes, rivals at that. Ilya knows Shane likes him, knows he could probably get him to like him in any world.
And yet, in this world, the one they do live in, it’s impossible.
That does not stop the want.
Lily: You like her more than me?
Ilya should turn his phone off. He debates blocking Shane’s number again before he can see the reply. He needs to stop himself from making this any worse, but he’s always been a glutton for self punishment.
He deserves this. He lashed out at Shane by starting this conversation at all. He ruined everything by being the one to use first names first. No, he had officially ruined everything the moment he decided he wanted more and would even make an attempt to make it happen.
He’s so stupid. Maybe this rejection will force it through his head that it’s over. They’re done, whatever they were.
Jane: Please don’t do this. Don’t ask me that.
Ilya’s heart starts to pound, leaning forward on the couch, holding his phone far too close to his face. That is not a yes. If Shane liked Rose better, he’d simply say yes. There’s no reason not to unequivocally confirm his favor lies with his girlfriend. And yet, he doesn’t.
This is almost worse than Shane saying yes. He was supposed to force him to move on. Instead, Ilya feels a small prick of hope.
He needs to crush it.
Lily: But you pick her anyway?
Ilya thinks this might count as self-destructive behavior, a phrase he’s heard teammates use in the past. He has also heard the saying, ‘do not ask questions you do not want to know the answer to’ and feels they go hand in hand for him.
Shane takes longer to reply this time than he did before. Ilya thinks for a moment he won’t reply at all. But he does.
Jane: What do you want me to say?
Jane: Tell me the scenario where I get to pick you.
Jane: I thought about it. I thought about it a lot. And I can’t think of a single one where I pick you and we don’t lose everything.
The confirmation strikes him harder than expected. There is no outcome of this conversation that does not hurt. But this hurt is the worst.
Because there is lost potential. It’s not unwanted, just unattainable. Being together is unattainable for no fault of their own, and there is nothing they can do about it.
Nothing aside from ruining their lives.
Ilya thinks he would ruin his life for Shane and never think twice about it if it wouldn’t also ruin Shane’s. Ilya also thinks that Shane would never forgive him if he did.
He feels worse than before for lashing out at him. Ilya knew this wasn’t Shane’s ideal situation either, that he most likely hurt, too, and he still tried to get under his skin.
Lily: You are right. I am sorry for picking fight.
Apologizing is the right thing to do, even if it doesn’t feel like enough. Especially when he knows he’s going to be selfish again.
Lily: I miss you. Am jealous of her. Angry at the world in general. I am being unfair, I am sorry for that.
Shane has his head between his knees, attempting to get ahead of the panic attack he fears is coming. This is not a conversation he wants to be having but especially not over text.
Though maybe it’s easier to not have to see Ilya’s face when he asked if Shane liked Rose more than him, asked why he picked her. The hurt came across clear enough in his words, seeing it with his own eyes might kill him.
But instead of continuing to needle his way under Shane’s skin, Ilya apologizes.
Ilya does more than apologize.
‘I miss you’ is a big enough thing to confess to. But being jealous of Rose? Shane obviously knew it after how Ilya had acted, he just never expected him to explicitly confess to it.
There is a small part of Shane, a part he is ashamed of, that feels ecstatic to know that Ilya is jealous enough to lash out. A larger part of him, the part that knows how he feels, just feels bad. Shane wishes he knew how to actually comfort him in any substantial way.
Jane: I miss you, too. And I’m so fucking sorry.
Jane: I wish things were different.
Jane: If things were fair, I’d pick you.
He means it and hates himself for a moment. Maybe he should break up with Rose. It’s not fair, truly, to her. But Shane has to keep trying to feel with her what he feels with Ilya.
He has to. Because he can have it with Rose, or some other girl he may meet in the future. But he can’t have it with Ilya. And if he can’t have Ilya, and he can’t feel that same want with a girl, isn’t he just doomed to be alone?