Chapter Text
"How Stan and Heff Stole Christmas"
Our story begins in the Hundred Acre Wood. It was Christmas time, and every animal inhabitant of the Hundred Acre Wood was getting ready for the big day. You see, it was Christmas Eve, and they were all getting some last-minute details finished before the big day: Christmas Day. In one particular house...tree, whichever you prefer, a bear named Winnie the Pooh was having a tree-trimming party, with guests to arrive soon, being assisted by Kessie, Buster, and Tigger.
At the house of Piglet, he was getting ready for Christmas as well, as he swept around the house with his broom while Rabbit set out two plates of vegetables, containing artichokes for Santa and carrots for his reindeer, before leaving Piglet's home, each carrying a small load of presents, as they headed to Pooh's house.
On their way, they stopped by their gloomy donkey friend, Eeyore, who was trying to decorate his house of sticks, with a star made of sticks. Of course, a wind came and blew Eeyore's house and star down, much to his disappointment, but his house always gets knocked down, so that's no surprise. He sighed as he saw Piglet and Rabbit walking by, before following them.
At another tree, Roo and Lumpy were decorating the kangaroo family's tree, dreaming of the presents Santa will bring them while Kanga got out a tray of Christmas cookies, fresh from the oven, on a table. The boys prepared to each take one but Kanga cautioned they were still too hot.
As Rabbit, Piglet and Eeyore were passing by, the marsupials and Lumpy joined them, now donned with hats and scarfs, and Kanga carried a basket of treats along with her.
Soon the whole gang arrived at Pooh's party to get the whole tree trimmed. It seemed like all of Pooh and his friends were ready for another happy yule.
Mr. Narrator, who had the voice of Sir Michael Caine this time, spoke.
"Every animal in the Hundred Acre Wood liked Christmas a lot
But Stan Woozle and Heff Heffalump, the two nuisances of the hundred acres, did not"
Far on the other edges of the Hundred Acre Wood, somewhere in Heffalump Hollow, the places where all heffalumps roam, there was one cave where two figures lived. This place was the one place everyone did their best to steer clear of, for two reasons. One is because the two are nuisances of the Hundred Acre Wood who always come up with schemes to steal the others of their honey for themselves, though each scheme ends up ultimately failing, and the other was because they've been known to hate Christmas, the one holiday everyone else loves.
We see the two animals glaring at us readers, as they stood out of their cave. The first was a gray-furred weasel (or "woozle") with yellow eyes, light gray fur on his muzzle and chest area, black nose, and with one fang sticking out. He wore a red-brown cap, a red bowtie with white polka dots, a yellow vest, blue pants and black shoes. He was known as Stan Woozle.
The second was a big fat orange heffalump with yellow in the inside of his ears, and on his tummy. He had one bucktooth sticking out, and wore only a black vest. He was known as Heff Heffalump, Stan's right-hand heffalump.
"Yes, they've always hated it, will in the future, and do so now.
But don't ask me for the answer, no one quite knows just how.
Could be perhaps their clothes were on too tight"
The two gave their clothes a bit of a tug, trying to loosen them a bit, but they were still too tight, as our storyteller suggested.
(Flashback)
We go back to a day when the two fought each-other, though in a comical manner, of course.
"It could be perhaps that they always got in a fight"
(End of Flashback)
In the present time, Stan and Heff frowned at us once more, not happy.
"But I think..."
Then Stan interrupted the narrator, snapping, "Hey, ya mook! The likely reason's obvious! We've never ever managed to steal any honey just for us!" He continued to rant on, saying (in rhyme), "And I would not dare betray the woozle code and share with those goodie-goodies...and not even that bear! Oooohhh, on him I'd love to get my hands, for constantly butting in and foiling all our honey-nabbing plans!"
Yes, no matter how many plans Stan and Heff have come up with to steal all the honey, Pooh and his friends have always managed to foil them, and it made the hatred of the two towards the good guys, mostly Stan's hatred, grow more. Also, they would never share, because it's in the nature of Woozles and Heffalumps (except for Lumpy's family and friends) to steal honey and Stan refuses to break his belief.
Stan continued, "And the fact that it is Christmas just emphasizes the fact that we will not, around this time of the year, get that golden gooey snack!"
Then Heff said, "Duh, but Stan, I think there's one little detail that you missed: we can't even have honey this time of year, because we're on Santa's naughty list!"
Stan replied in annoyance, "You think I don't know that, bubble-brain?! That is the #1 reason why I say "humbug" to this appalling season! It's in our nature to steal honey, but does HE understand?"
Heff scratched his head, saying, trying to think of a good answer, "Duh..."
But Stan answered for him, saying, "No he does not! No comprendo, my dim-witted friend!"
Then the woozle pulled out a picture of all the good animals from the Hundred Acre Wood together, but with facial hair and devil horns drawn on them by the foes, showing their hate for them. The narrator spoke, "So as the two glared at a picture of the animals they despised and scorned, Stan declared."
Stan said, "Ah yes, I can just imagine all that will occur with them the very next morn."
(Daydream)
We see a daydream, predicting what will happen in the next morning, as we saw all the good animals of the Hundred Acre Wood unwrapping presents and opening their stockings and cheering for all the stuff they got, showing everyone.
As all this happened, Stan's voice explained, "Once again, they'll wake up and find many presents and treats that Fat Boy has left them, while we get just coal, misery, and back-aches from slipping on sleet."
We saw the two walking out of the cave angrily and miserably, each holding lumps of coal, before slipping on the icy ground, covered in sleet that had fallen, before they fell on their backs very heard. The two groaned in pain.
Back with the other animals, they were somewhere having a big Christmas party, celebrating with all their presents and treats received from Santa, while Stan's voice continued, "Then, they'll have a big Christmas get-together, in the Hundred Acre Woods, and they'll boast about the rewards for their big hearts: their received Christmas goods!"
The narrator then spoke, "They would celebrate their good deeds each year, to the villains' worry. And as annually, this activity increases the woozle's fury."
(End of Daydream)
Stan explained, "Then, there's something else that will come tomorrow. They'll sit down for a Christmas feast and join for a big Yuletide carol to tomorrow."
Heff then spoke, "Duh, you know, Stan. I bet if we were Santa Claus, we would mistreat those goodie-goodies."
The narrator said, "As Stan heard Heff, he paused." Stan did pause, wondering if his sidekick was, for once, onto something brilliant. "Could it be? In Stan's very own prime, has his lackey actually given a smart possibility this time? A Christmas miracle, it must be. Then the woozle began to smile. A smile came from he." Stan started to smile, which was very rare.
"That's it!" Stan said eagerly.
"Stan exclaimed."
"Heff, my for-once inspiration, my muse, you've just fed my head with a new honey-stealing scheme in which we cannot lose!"
Then, Stan grinned wickedly, with Heff grinning evilly as well, though not knowing why, since he's not very intelligent. The narrator said, "It was then the two got an idea, a fiendish idea. Stan, and eventually Heff, got a magnificently despicable idea."
A while later, Stan and Heff were working on something, as the narrator continued, "It took a while for Heff to memorize the plan, due to his minuscule IQ, and after discussing the plan over and over, he finally got it through. Tonight, while our Hundred Acre Wood friends are all snug in their beds, with visions of Christmas goodies dancing in their heads, the two will sneak into each and everyone's houses and steal all their honey. Steal honey from every animal, from the bear to the Tigger to the bunny."
Stan said, as it looked he was sewing some clothing with a sewing machine, "First thing is first of the plan."
The narrator said, "Said the woozle brute."
"We'll make this fast Santa Claus hat and suit."
As Stan snickered, the narrator continued, "He snickered so sinister, for this plan made him all a-tingle."
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Kris Kringle."
"I thought you were dressing up as Santa." Heff said stupidly.
Stan groaned with irritation, "Same person, cucumber-brain!" Why must his dumb partner keep forgetting that Santa has more than one name?!
"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting."
The woozle said sarcastically, "Oh, ya don't say!"
The narrator said, "But then Heff objected."
Heff said, "Duh, say, why can't I be Santa? I'd fit the role great, on account of my immense and enormous weight."
The woozle replied, "That's true."
The narrator said, "Said Stan."
"But I totally refuse to wear antlers, fake ears or curly, uncomfortable elf shoes! Plus, they're not actually expecting to see us. They're just expecting gifts and treats left in their house, without a single fuss. But don't worry, you can be Santa's assistant elf." Heff then looked unsure.
"Heff was unsure about it; he didn't like THAT role himself! Nevertheless, the job must be done to set forth that very night, and ruin the animals' festive yuletide fun."