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As the first week of April arrives, and the cherry blossom leaves hit the ground, it comes one of the most dreaded days of the year for many kids and teenagers alike. Seventeen year-old Shizuo Heiwajima, specifically, has not been joyfully waiting to go back to school.
He scratches his left eye and asks himself what he’s gonna have for breakfast. There’s packages of natto inside the fridge, which he doesn’t like, and he honestly doesn’t really get why his parents still buy them if they’re just gonna go bad. He takes some rice out that’s on a tupperware, two eggs, a bottle of ketchup, and a carton of milk. This act of making himself breakfast in the morning will probably last only the first week of class, after that he’s just gonna run straight from bed to school, as usual.
In the corner of his eye he can sense a shadow lingering and standing behind the fridge door, which wasn’t there before, it causes him to jump a little with all things balancing on his hands.
“Crap! You scared me”
Damn it, Kasuka and his goddamn tendency to walk without making any sound!
“Good morning…” He replies, completely unaffected. His hair is neat and his uniform doesn’t have a single wrinkle. Shizuo is still in his pajamas.
It’s Kasuka’s first year of high school, and Shizuo’s last. There’s a bitter taste that rises from his chest to his throat, and it stays on the back of his tongue each time he stares at his brother and realizes that he’s not seven years old anymore, and actually looks so far from it. It’s tough to acknowledge that he doesn’t really know much about him. He knows he gets motion sickness when he sits on the back of the car, and that he doesn’t like to chew bubblegum, but that’s about it. He’s not sure if his favorite color is still blue, or if he still talks in his sleep. Kasuka doesn’t say much these days, it’s getting harder to guess what’s on his mind.
He’s aware of the situation that Kasuka had been silently dealing with these last years in his now old middle school. He’s aware because of the amount of notebooks he had mysteriously “lost”, and because he has made a habit of walking with his head down. Not because he said it explicitly. He wouldn’t. It makes sense, he didn’t want Shizuo to step in and try to fix his problems with bullying. It still pisses him off, because he knows his brother isn’t the type to put up a fight and try to defend himself, he would just take it all without saying a word. He also can’t rationalize what possible issues could anyone have with Kasuka’s presence. It is true that his tone can be easily misinterpreted, and that sometimes it seems like he has no interest in whatever is happening around him, but those are just surface details, Kasuka can’t even bring it to himself to cause even a slight inconvenience to others. But whatever, kids are weird. At least now they will be attending the same school, which gives Shizuo the chance to keep an eye on him, just in case. That gives him some peace, at least.
There are some downsides to it though, of course. The main one being that he doesn’t want Kasuka to have any involvement in any fights he might get into (even though his resolution for this new school year was to stop getting into fights— he knows that this goal is a bit unrealistic considering… the context. But he will still try his best). Secondly, he doesn’t want his reputation to affect Kasuka once others realize they share a last name, he hopes no teachers or kids will give his little brother a hard time, now that would really piss him off.
(Also, and Shizuo doesn’t even want to entertain the idea, he really, really, doesn’t want the flea to even dare breathe near Kasuka, if he does, he will kill him! This time for real)
Kasuka realizes the strong grip Shizuo has on the bottle of milk and wonders if by chance he’s going to break it. It wouldn't be good to gauze his brother’s bloody hand, it’s still too early in the morning.
“Did you sleep well?” he asks, trying to bring Shizuo back to the terrestrial realm. It works, his frown relaxes when he hears Kasuka’s calm voice.
“Yeah, did you?” He hadn’t. Shizuo is unable to sleep the night before the first day of the school year. Each year has been the same night routine. His sleeping schedule gets absolutely destroyed during spring break, and any attempt to fix it during the last days fails, he must have slept four hours maximum, that’s why he is so irritated.
“Yes.” Kasuka replies, he, on the other hand, can sleep on any surface he puts his body on in a matter of seconds, Shizuo envies that.
“Did you eat breakfast already?”
“I did, but I’ll keep you company if you want”
“Sure, that’d be good”
He watches as Kasuka silently sits by the kitchen table, not even attempting to make any type of small talk as Shizuo turns on the stove, but he can feel how Kasuka is meticulously analyzing every step he takes in the kitchen (even maybe, judging inside his head). His initial plan of making himself a lame version of omurice gets tossed aside when the omelette doesn’t come out the way he wanted it to, he ends up eating scrambled eggs with rice, all covered in ketchup, and with a cold glass of milk to wash it down. You know who can make an actually delicious omurice, though? He won’t ask his little brother to make him breakfast, that would be very embarrassing. It is the eldest who is supposed to look after the youngest, after all.
A week later, Kasuka is standing by the frame of his bedroom door holding a piece of paper. He doesn’t move or speak up until Shizuo turns to him.
“What is it, Kasuka?”
Even though he has already been noticed, there is still some reluctance from Kasuka’s side to say something. Shizuo thinks about how awkward he can be sometimes.
“I need you to sign something…”
Shizuo has developed an awful skill, a criminal one, even. It’s a survival skill he had to put in practice every once in a while in order to avoid endless scolding and disappointed looks from his parents (or at least reduce the amount of scolding and disappointed looks by a considerable amount). Shizuo learned how to forge both his mother and father’s signature. Is he proud of this? Absolutely not, but the number of report cards on both his behavior and grades called for it, and his parents don’t really need to find out about every excruciating detail of the physical altercations he gets into. In a way, he is doing them a favor. But this is the last year of his criminal activity, as he will become an adult soon, and won’t have to resort to such means. Because once he is out of school… once that damn flea is out of his life, he will finally be able to live peacefully.
But why would Kasuka need him to sign something? Is he getting in trouble already? It has only been a week, the first week tends to be peaceful, which by Shizuo standards the meaning of peaceful might be a bit skewed, but still.
Is Kasuka getting bullied again?
“Let me see”
Kasuka passes the door frame and hands him the paper. Shizuo grabs it, dreading the revelation (what if Kasuka got in a fight? Is he setting a really bad example?). He reads it. It’s just a form that requires parental permission to join extracurricular club activities. This one in particular is for the theater club. Shizuo has heard that the theater club in Raijin is quite popular, they put up not-so-terrible productions during cultural festivals that have gained their deserved amounts of praise by the faculty members of the school. It’s also a big compromise to join, as they also hold sessions during vacation time.
“Mom and dad got back from work an hour ago, why didn’t you ask them to sign it instead?” He asks. Kasuka stares at him, he stares back. Even though reading Kasuka’s mannerisms is like reading a book in which all the pages are blank, that’s still his brother, he can tell there is something that is making him uneasy, “It’s not like they will say no”
“They are going to ask me things”
“What do you mean?”
Kasuka clears his throat, which is tremendously unlikely for him to do. Oh, so there is definitely something going on.
“They are going to ask why would I want to join the theater club. The thing is, I really don’t have an answer. I don’t want to be asked”
It makes sense. Kasuka’s overall… temper doesn’t seem really fitting for the big stage light. But it’s not like Shizuo to waste time asking questions, Kasuka can join any club he wants, it isn’t even close to being the big deal he’s making it out to be. He picks up a pen from his desk and signs the form in his father’s signature. In any case, he will lie to him and convince him that maybe he forgot about signing that paper.
“And what do I tell mom when you are out?”
“Extracurricular math”
He had a plan all along, huh. Maybe Shizuo is setting a bad example.
“You are going to have to keep good grades in math, then”
“I will” He nods.
“And don’t get distracted from your studies because you are putting all your attention to the club”
“I won’t” He shakes his head.
It feels kinda funny to give Kasuka a fake scolding, because he has no right to, but Kasuka still answers sincerely.
“Alright then, there you go” the blue ink dries fast as he gives him the form back. Unintentionally he smiles “Now, get out of my room”
“Thank you, Shizuo” Kasuka is staring down. With the paper back in his hands he is ready to leave his brother alone.
“Have fun in your club”
Kasuka stares back at him before he walks out, and puts his index finger over his lips. Shizuo responds by making a sign of sealing his lips, then he realizes they won’t be walking back together from school anymore.
The kids in the theater club are really weird, maybe they will be able to welcome someone like Kasuka in.
Thinking about it, maybe Kasuka is a good match for the theater club (Shizuo is not intending to imply that it is because he is weird). He remembers one anecdote in particular when they were both in elementary school. They were walking home, Shizuo had a cast in one arm immobilizing him, and a lollipop on his opposite hand. Kasuka was walking right by his side, barely being able to catch up to his quick pace, with both hands grabbing the straps of his heavy backpack, too big for his small body, when he accidentally stepped on his shoelaces and fell straight onto the floor with a shortened yelp. Shizuo saw his little brother sprawled on the floor, with his backpack and all of those textbooks crushing him. He was expecting a flow of tears to come out of his brother’s eyes, the sound of the fall was pretty nasty after all. But Kasuka helped himself using both of his hands with marks of gravel to get back up.
“Kasuka!” He raised his voice, finally reacting and going to assist him, “Are you okay?”
He noticed how wet his eyes were, Kasuka just closed them for a few seconds, then went back to his usual expressionless demeanor.
“I’m fine”
“Your knee is bleeding! Do you wanna sit down for a while?”
“No. Let’s get home so I can clean it”
As if nothing happened. Shizuo looked at the trail of blood dripping down Kasuka’s skinny leg as he started to walk with difficulty, and looking back, maybe he should’ve insisted for Kasuka to sit down, and if he didn’t have a cast on him he should’ve offered to carry him on his back until they got home. But Kasuka’s acting was so convincing he couldn’t even question his brother was in pain. Kasuka didn’t want to just hide his tears from him, he wanted him to not worry.
Kasuka, who always holds his breath, who hasn’t shed a tear or cracked a smile in a long, long time, who has a blank mask stuck over his face just to not cause any inconveniences. Doesn’t speak, just observes, just listens. Yeah, he will fit right in.
Kichirou Heiwajima knocks three times on the wooden door of his youngest son with the back of his hand. No answer. There is a chance he could be sleeping. It’s too early though, Kasuka doesn’t usually sleep at odd hours, but with all those extra math classes is taking, who knows? He must be tired (he takes a mental note to remind him to not push himself too hard). He calls out his name, and again, no answer at all.
He probably should not bother, but as a father, it is his duty to bother.
He opens the door slowly, the lights are on, so he’s not sleeping. He takes a quick look at Kasuka, who is laying on top of the bed staring at the ceiling, he has headphones on, no wonder why he didn’t hear him. It finally is the creaking of the door what makes Kasuka sit down and turn around. He takes off the headphones and the sound that escapes from them belongs to distorted guitars and a minimalistic synthesizer with a ton of reverb on it (he takes a mental note to tell him to not listen to music so loud). In his hands he holds the CD player that used to belong to Kichirou when he was young, and the sight of it makes him feel a little proud. Seeing little parts of himself in his boys fills his heart. He remembers the long afternoons he spent at the backyard teaching them how to play baseball, the multiple car rides in which he forced them to listen to the records of his youth on the stereo, and the times he let them taste beer behind their mother’s back.
“Everything okay?” Kasuka asks. It brings him back to why he is in his son’s room, and what he wanted to ask him.
“Yeah, what are you doing?”
“Not much, why?”
Kasuka’s room is tidy and well-organized. Every single thing has its specific place, its specific drawer. There is not much showing that could tell him something about his son’s likes, or hobbies. Every book, every article of clothing, every tech device is hidden. It looks more or less inhabited, like a room that belongs in an interior design catalogue, or a furniture showroom, rather than to a teenage boy.
“Your brother said he’s going to hang out with Tom later”
“I know”
“It’s Saturday, Kasuka. Aren’t you planning on going out too?”
“Not really”
“You could go to the movies. Invite a friend, I can give you money if you need”
He tries. He gives him options. But he cannot reach him.
“Thanks. I don’t think there is anything I’m interested in watching right now”
He stands there as his poor attempts fail. They really don’t teach you how to connect with your socially withdrawn son anywhere. Even if there are books about it, he hasn’t read them yet. He asks himself if Kasuka can even feel the effects of loneliness. Being fourteen years old is the worst age anyone can be, when Kichirou was fourteen he hated his parents and spent all day outside with his friends. What makes Kasuka not want to leave his room?
“How’s school been?”
“Good”
“Are you adapting well?”
“Yes”
It’s all monosyllables with him. He wants to crack a joke, say Oh Kasuka, you are making me dizzy with so many words, please stop. But he knows Kasuka won’t laugh, Kasuka never laughs at his jokes. Shizuo doesn't laugh either, but he does tell him that his jokes are terrible. Kasuka just has no reaction or opinion on his father’s humor.
“Have you made friends yet?”
He nods. Unable to say yes out loud because it is not true. Kichirou lets him lie because sometimes kids have to lie to their parents.
“You should invite them over one day”
“Sure”
Reaching a point of giving up, Kichirou is aware that he won’t get many words out of Kasuka right now, so he resorts to his backup plan.
“I’ll leave you, then” And before Kasuka can put his headphones back on and accommodate himself to his previous position he says one last thing “Oh, and Kasuka”
“Yes?”
He wants to ask him about the discs he has, what artists does he listen to? What type of music does he like? He wants to learn a bit more about him, be able to get in the mind of the boy, even if it is just for a second, and through something so menial, just to know what it’s like.
“Can you listen to something a little bit more lively?”
Kasuka pauses for a minute. Stares down at the CD cases piled up on his bed.
“I’ll try”
He finally leaves the room.
Well, that wasn’t a success. Kichirou changes directions and knocks three times on the wooden door of his eldest son with the back of his hand. The answer is immediate. Inside, Shizuo stands wearing one of his old varsity jackets. Isn’t he too dressed up to go out with a friend? He doesn’t ask out loud. With Shizuo he is more careful, there are certain subjects that are better to avoid, he has learned this with time.
“What is it?” He asks. Kichirou goes and sits down on his bed, hoping that he will be able to stay a little bit longer before he feels like Shizuo is kicking him out of his room.
“I need to ask you something, it’s about your brother”
Shizuo, on the other hand, is extremely easy to read. His face always changes to the minimum amount of information, and now he looks worried. It is to be expected from them to hide stuff, to share secrets, to cover up for each other, that’s what brothers do.
“What’s up with Kasuka?”
“Is he making any friends at school? I mean, do you see him hanging out with anyone? Does he have a group?”
Shizuo lets the question rest for a little bit before answering.
“I don’t know. I’m not around Kasuka a lot at school”
Kichirou sighs, this is all going nowhere.
“I’m worried about him, Shizuo. He doesn’t tell me anything”
“Well, he doesn’t tell me much either, that’s just how he is” He pauses “But he manages well by himself. He’ll be okay”
Shizuo’s room is a mess. There are piles of clothes scattered on the floor and on the bed, and half-drank glasses of water that belong in the kitchen are just using space over the nightstand. His walls are decorated with badly taped posters of landscapes and baseball players, which hide holes in the wood formed by his fists. He should scold him, and tell him to clean his room if he want to go out today, but he doesn’t.
“Can I ask you a favor?”
“Yeah?”
“Could you maybe introduce your brother to your friends? Let him be around every so often, invite him to stuff. Maybe that’ll help him come out of his shell”
Shizuo makes a face of disagreement, he was expecting that reaction. When they were kids they were attached to the hip, Kasuka followed Shizuo everywhere, and he expected to be followed. It’s completely normal that with age they will start to drift apart, but he doesn’t want to accept it. His boys have always been so close, they have always been together. Not all siblings are like that, the ones that are don’t know how much luck they have.
“It’s not that I don’t want to… I just don’t think Kasuka would enjoy that”
“Have you asked him?”
“No. But I know him. My friends can be a little bit too much”
“That’s what you think, it’s not okay to speak that way about your friends”
Shizuo sighs. There it is, the cue that he is overstaying his welcome into his son’s bedroom.
“I’ll try, alright?”
“That’s enough for me” He stands up, each passing year standing up becomes more difficult, is that how people measure the passage time? By the strength of their knees? “Keep an eye on him, okay? You won’t notice when it happens, but one day you will be only seeing each other for holidays, birthdays, and funerals”
“Dad! What has gotten over you? Don’t say ominous things like that…”
Kichirou only knows because he lives it.
“Get back home before it gets dark” He tells him as he walks towards the door, only to stop and point at him “And don’t do anything your mom would disapprove of. No street signals thrown around”
“Got it”
Okay, Shizuo wants him out immediately.
There is only one stop he needs to do now. This time he doesn’t knock, he just opens the door to the bedroom he shares with his wife, her eyes have been glued to a non-fiction book for days now, every chance she gets some free time on her hands, she goes back to it. It’s the biography of an American painter, or something like that he read on the back cover. Namiko hasn’t mentioned the contents of the book out loud, her reading is always a private matter.
“Nothing at all” He announces.
“You are thinking too much about it” Namiko’s gaze is still down, even if she paused her reading to talk to him. “Kasuka is fine”
“I’m not really sure of that” He sits down by her side, the only place he will not be expected to leave. “I think he might be a little depressed”
Namiko chuckles just so slightly, almost imperceptibly.
“Kasuka is not depressed, he is fourteen. Every fourteen year old is melancholic”
“Yeah, but he’s taking too far, isn’t he?”
“I was the same way as a kid. I almost didn’t talk to my parents and spent all day locked inside my room writing bad poems” She finally closes the book. “He’ll grow out of it. Or maybe not. Kasuka is naturally introverted, it’ll take him longer than others, but he will find someone who complements him. We all do…”
She looks at him and holds his hand. Oh, the way she still makes him melt with such small gestures.
“Maybe we haven’t been giving him enough attention. We do spend most of the time worried about Shizuo”
“He’s independent. Believe me, he doesn’t want us to be over him all the time” While that is an undeniable truth, still, he cannot shake the feeling that Kasuka is only independent because he has been made to be that way. Is he the only one realizing these things? Maybe he actually is looking too deep into it. Namiko is the one who can handle Shizuo without issues, so he should over concern himself with Kasuka to keep it balanced. “You are a good dad to him, Kichirou”
He wants to believe it, hold into the thought. He knows Kasuka isn’t capable of thinking negatively about anyone in any way, after all, and perhaps that will bring him trouble in the future. He wants to warn him about everything awaiting him. It’s the ultimate decision to take, does he let him navigate the world by himself, or does he try to hold onto him for a bit longer, while he still can? Shizuo is too old now, and soon he won’t listen anymore, Kasuka will be in the house for a few more years still. Kichirou used to have a younger brother too.
At least Kasuka isn’t totally alone.
“So, how’s theater been?”
A few months have passed, and things have gone about pretty normally in Shizuo’s life. A few physical altercations here and there, a few visits to Shinra’s apartment to get patched up, some suspensions, Izaya is still a rat; not much is new. His teachers keep pestering about college entrance exams and Shizuo has been planning on how he is going to crack the news to his parents, although they must already suspect he has no actual intentions of furthering his education. Everything he needs to know about the college life he gets from Tom, and he’s been suggesting that he gets a part time job to save up if he wants to leave his parents house soon. Not that there’s any hurry, but he feels ready to leave the nest, better soon than never.
He has been too caught up in his own routine; he hasn't had much time to keep an eye on Kasuka, as he had promised his dad he would. So, being half of the year in already, he decides it’s appropriate to make up for lost time and get some updates on Kasuka’s personal endeavors.
“Good”
That’s not a lot of information.
It’s already summer, and the house has never been this damn hot. All the windows surrounding the living room area are currently open, and the pedestal fan isn’t doing much to help. Kasuka and Shizuo are both sitting by the frame of the window wall that leads to the house's small backyard. They have been surviving their afternoons with the help of soda flavored popsicles and glasses of iced water, until night arrives and the crickets don’t let anyone sleep soundly. Still, Shizuo enjoys the feeling of the sun on his skin, Kasuka is a little bit more vampiric.
“What do they make you do there? Are you acting already?”
“Not really” He replies “We always start out stretching, then they make us walk around”
“Walk around?”
“To fill up the empty space. I didn’t understand it at the beginning either. I kinda don’t understand it now”
“And then?”
“We do voice projection exercises”
He cannot really picture his brother in a room full of people trying to raise his voice, the image of it feels like it goes against the natural order of things.
“It sounds silly, are you having fun?”
Kasuka makes a pause, seriously considering what his answer is gonna be.
“The club president asked what my name was the other day…”
“What an asshole! You haven’t missed a single session”
Kasuka shrugs.
“It’s not really like I’m making myself noticeable either way”
Shizuo wonders if it is his fault. It has been like that for a while, he gains a reputation and suddenly everyone is whispering and mumbling about a certain Heiwajima everyone should stay far away from, as if he was a biohazard, as if he had some type of contagious illness or something of that nature. But Shizuo could handle kids calling him names, young punks trying to mess with him, and adults giving him reprehensible stares. He didn’t care because he knew how to defend himself, at least, even if he had to resort to using his brutal strength. But what if the rumours drip through? What if he has stained Kasuka’s name with his rampages? He knows that in elementary kids called him weird and creepy for not talking much, and that they used to hide his shoes and scribble on his notebooks. He knows that in junior high they made fun of him for looking girlish, and that they would push him in the hallways and steal his things. What if they are also making fun of him now? It’s not like Kasuka would tell him, he never told him about the bullying. He intervened once in middle school, scared the kids off by throwing a desk at them, and after that Kasuka never told him again about any of the problems he was still having, about any lunch money he kept getting stolen, or any writing on his desk. He probably made matters worse by accident.
The thing that differentiated them is that Shizuo simply cannot go unnoticed. He’s too loud, too abrasive; his blond hair and tough persona makes him stand out. Instead, Kasuka fades in the background. Shizuo got noticed by Shinra, who is too sick in the head to be scared of him, by Tom, who is too kind for his own good, by Kadota, who is too chill to be impressed, and by Shinra’s roommate, Celty, who is… also quite peculiar herself. And even though most of the attention he has gotten has been negative, there have been people who decided to stick around. But who sticks around Kasuka?
Damn, I think dad was right… he thinks, I was too caught up on myself to think about it.
Kasuka is really, really lonely.
“They want to put together a production of Waiting for Godot for Culture Day, the roles have already been picked,” Kasuka says. Shizuo’s attention is again completely on him, he rarely talks or gives out information unprompted, he hopes his noticeable enthusiasm doesn't make Kasuka withdraw again.
“And who got the role of Godot?”
“Godot famously doesn't participate in the play…”
Great, he wanted to make the conversation go further, now he looks uncultured.
“What’s the play about?”
“It’s about two men who are waiting by a tree for Godot to appear”
“And I’m guessing he doesn’t”
“No”
“... So what’s the play actually about?”
“There are a lot of interpretations of it. But we discussed it in the group and came to the conclusion that it’s about absurdism, and the loss of meaning. The main characters are waiting to find their purpose in life, but their purpose becomes waiting for it to arrive. And it won’t. They even consider killing themselves, but none takes any action”
This whole conversation has the same cadence from an unpleasant memory of a certain bug that he just simply cannot get rid of, but since these are the most words Kasuka has said in a while, he tries to make the image of Izaya disappear from his head.
Sounds interesting, but Shizuo doesn't really care about all those philosophical things, they’re all really confusing. A play where nothing happens? Why would anyone want to watch that for two whole hours?
“Are you going to participate?”
“Yeah, I will be helping the lighting crew”
“Oh, so that rude club leader made you the lighting crew’s helper? What’s his issue…”
“I offered”
“Kasuka, why would you go through all the hassle of joining the theater club in secret only to turn on some reflectors?”
“I’m a newbie still”
“They can't all be professionals either. You should attempt to get more involved”
Kasuka goes quiet. Damn, did he say the wrong thing? Of course it is not his intention to put pressure on him, but goddamn it, he wished that Kasuka took action in things once in a while, he’s too static, like a statue. He hopes the conversation can at least give him a little push.
Shizuo stands up and moves a bit far from him, he takes out a cigarette pack and his lighter from his pocket. His brother had caught him smoking some time ago, so there wasn’t really any point in keeping it hidden. As long as his mother and dad don’t smell it in his clothes it will be fine. Tom reluctantly buys him cigarettes when they see each other, and since that’s not often, he takes really good care of them. All this conversation about the meaning of life and what not calls for a smoke.
“Never smoke” He says, as he lights it on “I do it because I’m stupid and I have no self-control”
“Shizuo…” He calls out his name, but his eyes do not meet him.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t you ever get bored around me?”
This is oddly reminiscent of a past conversation, but he can’t recall the full picture of it in his head right now. It is not like Kasuka to ask these types of questions, so it takes him by surprise. Still, he smiles fondly at him while blowing smoke out of his mouth, but Kasuka’s eyes are still glued to the ground where the ants crawl over freshly cut grass.
“Not at all”
When Culture Day arrives, the only thing Shizuo can think about is how much he wishes to graduate already. It’s not in his nature to participate in any projects his class proposes. This year they wanted to put together a haunted house, and some prick classmate said something in bad faith, about how if they put Shizuo as an attraction, everyone was going to be running away from fear. Well, that person could not attend the festival, for reasons that may or may not be linked to Shizuo himself.
Kasuka had told him two weeks prior that the theater club was also going through a small crisis before the festival. Turns out that the guy who was supposed to play Vladimir had a last minute medical emergency that prevented him from participating. Something about a surgery, maybe appendicitis, truly a shame. The club president was completely exasperated, about to call quits on the whole thing. No one was willing to take the risk of learning all the lines of a main character on such a short-notice, of course, except for one person.
You will never guess who.
“How in the hell did you learn the whole thing?” Shizuo was more impressed than anything. Kasuka is smart, and he has a good memory that can recall even the smallest details. But still, it’s almost inhumane.
“I don’t know.” He shrugs “I think I just read it a lot of times and it stuck”
Shizuo spent the days previous to the Cultural Festival helping Kasuka practice his lines, reading out loud as Estragon sat by the kitchen table, with Kasuka walking around and interacting with the air. He wouldn’t be able to learn this thing even months in advance, too many damn words for anyone to remember, the characters talk in a way that doesn’t make any sense. There is something wrong with Kasuka’s brain and his almost computer-like ability to retain information. Or maybe there is something wrong with his own brain and his inability to do so, who really knows?
He knew Kasuka worked hard for days to be able to prove himself to the theater club, and the president who highly doubted he could pull it off, but now that the day has arrived, he is fighting the urge to tell Kasuka to not go on that stage.
Not because he doesn't believe he cannot do it (of course he does! He’d never doubt him), but more likely because all the nervousness Kasuka is not experiencing right now is screwing with his own nervous system. Shizuo is so anxious that something might go wrong that he doesn’t even want to stay to watch. What if Kasuka forgets a line? What if he has terrible stage fear or whatever the thing performers get is called? Seriously, what prompted Kasuka to put himself in such a demanding and risky situation, and did his words have anything to do with this decision?
This is his fault.
He’s sitting in the auditorium, which is only getting fuller and fuller with people. They do the first call, and the second call, and Shizuo feels like he’s gonna have an aneurysm when the intercom announces the third call and the lights go off. When the curtain gets lifted Shizuo thinks that he has to walk out, but then Kasuka, who doesn’t look like himself at all, appears, and recites just as he did in the kitchen.
And it’s not that bad, it’s not bad at all.
It’s uncanny. Vladimir talks a lot, and each word is so expressive. Shizuo hears his brother’s voice fill up the auditorium, and it carries an emotion he hasn’t heard in forever, maybe never at all. And he moves almost like a puppet, every motion perfectly calculated to fit the character’s words and emotions. Seriously, who is that person? A play that didn’t interest him not even a little bit at the beginning now has him completely focused only from his brother’s performance. It’s impressive. Not only impressive, it’s almost terrifying.
Then, when the main characters are doing a really long bit of swapping their hats, he hears the particular timbre of an extremely aggravating voice creeping from the back of his neck.
“He’s really good, huh? Did you leave all the talent in the womb, or what?”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Shizuo turns his head like a horror movie psycho-killer, gritting his teeth so hard they might break.
“What did you say about my brother, you bastard?” He whispers, as opposed to Izaya, he does have theater etiquette, and wouldn’t speak up in the middle of the show. Although all he would like to do is to hit him with one of the chairs until he dies.
Izaya snickers.
“It was a compliment… Ugh, you are so protective of him, it’s gross”
Izaya leans back with a shit-eating grin, and as much as he wants to knock the teeth out of his face, his eyes go back to the stage. It's not his fault that Izaya doesn’t have a good relationship with his sisters. This moment is about supporting his brother, he can kill the flea once act two ends and the curtain falls.
As the end of the play approaches Vladimir and Estragon talk about the impossibility of change for them. The boy, who has been spying on them, comes up again, and tells them that Godot won’t make it, but will surely come back tomorrow. The boy leaves after delivering his message, and Estragon comments on how long they’ve been together, and if maybe they were better apart. Once they decide to leave, none of them moves, and the play ends.
Talk about anticlimactic. By the moment Kasuka leaves the dressing room Shizuo is nowhere to be found.
He has not yet moved out after graduation, maybe destiny doesn’t want it that way. While people like Shinra and Izaya are doing whatever the hell they have been doing illegally for a long time now, Shizuo has had to face the unforgiving world of customer service jobs; car washing, fast food, children’s parties, you mention it. Has he lasted long in these jobs? No. And hopefully he will not last forever.
Kasuka, on the other hand, became an important member of the theater club. It wasn’t abnormal to hear girls mumbling in the hallways about how good his performances were, and how cute he looked, even from afar. It was even less abnormal to witness groups of young girls spying through the windows of the auditorium during rehearsals. Shizuo wonders how he must be dealing with all this attention he is suddenly getting, there is not much mention of it from Kasuka’s part, so he must not really mind it.
Their parents did end up finding out, and the only outrage there was only came from the lamenting of having missed out on so many of Kasuka’s performances. Even Shizuo got a fair share of scolding from his mother for not having said a single word. What could’ve he done about it? He is a man of his word.
Now, every time there is a new show in school they all go together to see him, regardless if Kasuka wants it or not, he doesn’t really have an opinion on the matter. Kichirou even shed a few tears at the ending of Romeo and Juliet, much to Shizuo’s second hand embarrassment.
Given the fact that he has a way to earn money, and although most of it goes to his savings, he separates an amount for his miscellaneous daily expenses, and for taking Kasuka for a treat every now and then when he is dealing with the pressure of finals and end of the year productions. Today he suggested they walk around the city and get some frozen yogurt on the way.
Then, as they were sitting down outside the shop to converse (or more accurately, for Kasuka to nod along Shizuo’s anecdotes and endless complaints from his miserable job at a retail store), a man in a suit approaches them apologetically.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt you boys, but I couldn’t help but notice that stylish hair color you have from afar” He says, addressing Shizuo directly. From the inner pocket of his jacket he takes out a metal business card holder, and tries to hand him a rectangular piece of paper with a name and a number. “I work for a talent agency named Jack O’Lartner, we are currently recruiting young talent for the modeling world. I hope I am not making you uncomfortable, but I think you are a perfect match in our catalogue, you’d make quite a popular idol”
Shizuo does not receive the card, not even to be polite.
“Are you making fun of me?”
Did Izaya send this guy to piss him off?! And on the one day off he has to spend with his brother.
Upon noticing the vein that sticks out from Shizuo’s forehead, Kasuka simply lets out a sigh and leans back.
If Shizuo had a cigarette between his lips, he’d take it out to break it in half, throw it to the ground, and step on it. Oh, how he hates these predatory talents scouts harassing people on the street.
The hard steel table that’s fused to the concrete floor gets easily lifted, littering the whole area with debris. Some screams are heard and Kasuka thinks of the cup of frozen yogurt he didn’t even get to finish. The poor man in the suit (whatever his name is) has never been more goddamn scared in his life, and he silently prays to every god from every religion there is, until someone eventually comes to save him.
“Shizuo, leave it alone. He is only doing his job” Mutters the soft-spoken voice of the boy that is leaning over him once his body has hit the ground. “I’m really sorry, should we take you to the hospital, sir?”
He must be an angel, no: the reincarnation of one! His symmetrical sharp features, his porcelain-like skin, strands of hair so shiny it makes him look like a doll. This boy looks as if a shoujo manga love interest made a wish to become a real boy! He has a face made for the big screen!
“Excuse me? Sir, are you alright?” He notices he’s been blabbering out loud. Then, he passes out.
When he wakes up in a hospital bed, one of the first things he notices is a bouquet by the side table as a formal apology. He begs that he left his business card somewhere visible in the middle of the havoc.
A week later, Kasuka is standing by the frame of his bedroom door holding a piece of paper. He doesn’t move or speak up until Shizuo turns to him.
“What is it, Kasuka?”
There it is, that reluctance again. Even though his new found passion in acting has helped Kasuka grow out of his early teenage awkwardness, there are still times in which he would much rather not say anything at all. Unfortunately Shizuo has not yet mastered the art of telepathy.
“Do you remember the guy that approached you the other day?”
“At the froyo place?”
“Yeah”
“What’s up with that?”
“I called his company. He is fine, but they told me he’s on a break from work right now”
“Uh huh”
There is definitely something going on here.
“So, what is it, Kasuka?” He asks again.
“I may or may not have an audition scheduled”
“Okay?” For modeling? That’s weird.
“I may or may not need to be accompanied by an adult…”
“And I’m guessing you do not want mom and dad to know yet”
He nods.
“You are still a minor. In case you get the gig you will need parental permission, they will have to know”
“And I’ll tell them” He replies, “I just need you to take me, just this time”
Although he knows that Kasuka does not want to be questioned right now, he still wants to ask “What has gotten over you?”, but he can kinda guess. Kasuka doesn’t really care about the modeling, he doesn’t care about the money either. He is networking, he wants to take a peek at the industry, just a first step. Kasuka is sixteen now, and he already knows what he wants and how to get there. It makes him kinda jealous.
But obviously, he wouldn’t dare to be cruel enough to take the chance out of his hands.
“When?”
“In three days”
“Three days?! That’s quick… What’s the urgency?”
“I’m not really sure myself. The guy I talked to sounded pretty animated, like a cartoon character, and he spoke in really broken english between sentences despite being American”
Okay. He now sees why he has to be there, Kasuka has not much of an idea of what he is getting himself into.
But there is no problem with that, Shizuo likes it when he gets the chance to play his role as the older brother.
There are far more people outside at the Jack O’Lantern waiting room than he would’ve expected, some of them a lot more dressed up than Kasuka, who is quietly sitting in a simple t-shirt and jeans (Shizuo didn’t want to outright comment on his much plain fashion choice as they left the house, but he had to make his concern known. Kasuka assured him that the simpler the better). To be fully honest, none of the people there looked like future supermodels or idols, although some girls were wearing heavy colorful make up, and the boys had trendy jewelry and outfits, it just seemed like normal people he would find at the subway on his way to work, Kasuka being the most normal looking of them all, Shizuo is slightly worried that he will get overshadowed by the rest.
Actually, Shizuo is worried about a lot of things right now.
You could tell by the incessant bouncing of his right leg. Some people might think he is the one auditioning based on how nervous he looks. He just doesn’t like the feeling of this place, there is something weird in it he can quite place. The idea of taking his kid brother behind their parents back to an entertainment company he didn’t even research anything about! What if they have controversies for child exploitation, or something even more darker than that? They don’t put that type of stuff in the news anyways. What would his parents say? Maybe he should’ve said no. Maybe he should’ve been a little more protective.
A woman comes out of a room and calls a young boy’s name. The brothers keep on waiting.
Kasuka seems as unaffected as always. Seriously, how does he not get nervous at things like this? It’s not like he is particularly fond of talking to people.
Shizuo’s questions get answered when he feels the soft grip of Kasuka’s hand on his elbow. He hears him mumbling a string of words very, very quietly wearing that same blasé mask.
“Thiswasamistakeweshouldleave”
Oh. So he is nervous after all.
But he will not let his own doubts spread on Kasuka’s head. He wants this, they both know he wants this.
“Oh. No. No way. We are already here”
“Shizuo…”
“You are going in, Kasuka. You will go in, and you will answer any question they give you as sincerely as you can. You want to act, don’t you? This is your chance, I will not let you put it to waste no matter how nervous you feel right now”
The average person would have not been able to tell Kasuka was nervous in the first place.
“But what if…?”
Before Kasuka can even finish raising another doubt, he interrupts.
“The worst thing they will tell you is that you are not what they are looking for right now, and that isn’t even something bad, so stop it. Act up. Do you wanna be like those guys by the tree that just stood there waiting for something to happen?”
“What are you talking about?”
“And regardless of what they tell you I’ll be there with you. No matter what their decision is, we will go to get froyo after. So do your best, okay?”
He really hopes that his words are able to get through Kasuka’s stubborn head.
The formally dressed lady comes out again, this time he calls out Kasuka’s name. Shizuo watches as he gets up and walks towards the door. His brother is getting tall, he can still remember him walking on his injured knee, carrying that huge back pack over his shoulders. The silhouette is far from the same now, but the essence, the essence is still there. Quiet as a mouse, shy, slightly awkward, far from amused.
Something tells him he won’t be alone no more.