Archive of Our Own

A lot of things can happen in a year. Or a lot can change in a year. However that saying goes.

Li experiences it time and time again. She came to the Waves' Cradle to rest, to give herself time to breathe and work through all the mental damage she had put herself through. No matter how many therapy sessions and layover vacations she got, the weight of guilt hangs heavy in her heart. She's healed, she's broken down, and she knows the cycle will repeat for the rest of her life.

But things have grown significantly better over the months. For the first time in years, it feels she finally has control over the wheel. She's confident in her decisions, and she's proud of how far she's gone.

Jane has been her absolute rock at a hellish time in her life. When the doctor, the soldier, and the guesthouse owner weren't watching, they were all over each other. Sitting so close to each other whenever they eat, passing glances at each other, talking hours of their individual journeys, and their heads faintly close— close enough to absorb the other's scent. Jane would've eventually gotten used to Li's perfume—jasmine and mint, and she'd immediately be the first in mind when she smells or even feels a drop of it. 

As time passed, the beach acted like glue for them, they were inseparable. It was only a matter of time until that friendship blossomed into something more. They weren't subtle about that, though. While they acted like nothing had happened, Thomas, Michael, and Jeanne definitely knew how greedy Li and Jane felt towards each other. From purple and red hickeys that traced each other's necks (which, unfortunately, Jane's black scarf failed to fully cover.) When their fingertips and lips hover over each other's sensitive spots, like how Li's lips can barely brush the nape of Jane's neck. Or the worst offender, the lewd sounds that came from Li's en suite bathroom. Hot water streaming down the shower, sloppy kisses that they don't even dare to silence, and slick movements that grow more rapid as they find their rhythm.

Downstairs, the trio rests on the couch after all that dancing, chatting about some of their life stories—interrupted by the occasional moan or slap of wet skin. Jeanne purses her lips, and her hands play with the soft, cottony blanket. Thomas continues drinking—alternating between his fresh Bloody Mary and ice-cold glass of water. Michael, who was usually composed, was failing to hold in his laughter at how loud they were that the whole house could practically hear it.

"Now, we know the walls aren't so soundproof after all," Michael jokes, taking a sip of his refreshing Negroni. He meets the soldier’s gaze and gives Thomas a small nudge.

"Yeah, but I wish it wasn’t through THAT," Thomas complains. Cracking a smile while jokingly rolling his eyes.

"They seem to be enjoying themselves. How long has it been going on? Maybe nine or ten minutes?"

"Gentlemen, maybe we can go back to the beach and sit by the campfire. I need a treat!" Jeanne expressed, stretching her muscles and getting up. Soon enough, the two men follow. As for Jane and Li? After who knows how long, they finally take a slow breath. Feeling limp from their own activities, they use the remainder time to get clean. Not knowing how much noise they made and not even caring how loud it ends up becoming, as long as they have each other.

———

november, 2005.

Since the Cradle, they've been going public for a couple of months. Li was Jane's muse for every line and action that was a part of her novel. At this point, it's not only the other three, Jane's father, and Nick who know about the whole ordeal. Li's even listed in the acknowledgements of "Bay of Hope" as one of her personal inspirations. Li read the drafts, the edits, and the final thing front to back. 

At first, she was hesitant to be such a character for her story. With the same names and a lot of the details being eerily similar down to the tee. She didn't know if she should be flattered to have a platform in getting her voice heard, or terrified that the specifics of it all make it easier to narrow down it's her, airing all her vulnerabilities for the public to see. Ultimately, she ended up staying just because Jane was such an awesome girlfriend. With Jane's career, Li's been her number one supporter. Li's been present in all of Jane's book signings, fan meets, and even that one time she appeared on a local morning show to talk about her novel.

Jane read an excerpt of "Bay of Hope." Her first of many novels, hopefully. She goes through a random page and vaguely explains how its "one of her favorite lines."

Sitting by the sand, Jane and Li sit side by side. Li's head rests against Jane's shoulder as they watch the waves gently rolling onto the shore. It was their small space of peace in their chaotic world. Li turns to Jane.

"I'm so glad I met you," said Li.

Jane pressed a small kiss onto Li's forehead.

“Me too. I hope you never leave my life."

Despite not being in the studio itself, Li's smile reached so wide, and she could feel herself swoon under Jane's grasp. For a moment, it felt a if she's the only one Jane's speaking to.

Of course, she wouldn't leave. She loved Jane too much. She knows they've got each other, and they know they have that kind of connection that would last for decades.

———

february, 2006.

Li opens the front door of her home and tosses the house key to the nearest table, her black winter coat following suit. She walks into the living room to plop herself onto the couch, where an energetic Nick comes to greet her. 

They mutually agreed to be a foster family of two until Li finds a stable and comfortable home for Nick to go to. She initially wanted to "fix" her relationship with him. But all those late nights where she lies still on her bed, contemplating all her what-ifs, things changed. She quickly realized it wasn't truly about making amends, it was more about control. She'd do more harm to his well-being than good. She wanted to insert herself in a narrative she wasn't welcome in. He won't give her the healing she needs, and she damn well can't give him the nurturing lifestyle he needs. How can he ever recover if the one force he's trying to get past is still there? That would've never worked.

So, perhaps temporary is the best fit until he finds a new home. The first few months have been awkward. They treat each other more like roommates than anything. But Nick slowly started warming up to Li during Halloween. When he overheard all the sweet words she used to describe him and tried to comfort him on a shitty day, he ran into her arms crying. There was no explanation, Li didn't need one. She just wanted him to have the best and let him be free. Not to say the home hasn't been awkward, but it's way better than before.

"I got a little something for you!" Li chirped, giving her a bag of souvenirs she got from her recent flight from Hanoi. She wished she could've taken him to witness all the serene landscapes and wonderful tourist attractions. She knows she'll bring him another time, she will.

Nick quickly opens the large bag to find some chocolates, a bag of Vietnamese coffee beans, a couple of keychains, and Viet snacks that would surely last them two weeks max.

"Is there-"

"Yup, I got you a toy, too," Li adds, showing Nick a small cat plushie her coworker gave to her. As soon as the plushie is in his line of sight, his eyes glimmer with joy. Whatever level of energy he had earlier increased maybe two or three more levels. Tightly grabbing onto the cat and giving Li a side hug.

"Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Nick gives another look at his new toy. Such sweetness in his eyes, full of spark and hope. It's easy to get lost in them. Li hopes that same smile appears when he finds his new home.

"By the way, Jane called a while ago."

Her expression of joy immediately falls flat, turning into concern and doubt.

"You don't say. Did she disturb you?" Li asks, organizing the clutter of souvenirs back into the box before putting it down behind the couch. Nick shakes his head, continuing to make his cat plush do silly gestures despite its short limbs.

"She called like twelve times. The first time, I picked up, and she asked for you. When I said you weren't there, she told me to say hi to you and answer her text or calls. She rung a couple of times again until the ninth time I answered again. Then..."

"Then?"

"She immediately hung up! So, I ignored her last three calls because she sounded so irritated that it's not you."

Li sighs in contempt and pulls out the flip phone that she hasn't checked in hours, and... it's true. Li has a plethora of unread messages from her.

8 New Messages

"I think you really need to contact her."

"Maybe you're right. Do I need to cook you dinner?"

"Nope, ate all the leftovers a while ago," Nick responds, now fully lying down on the couch and reaching for a CD to watch. Somehow, he moves past it like it wasn't a nuisance to him.

Li gets up and rushes to her room to finally dial Jane's number.

One dial tone goes by...

Then, two... Three...

She paces around her room, feeling worried. As she was about to press hang up, a faint voice spoke up.

"Li... hi."

Jane sounds sluggish, too muffly. Li could hear sniffles from the other side. For a second, that made Li regret not answering sooner. Whatever sweet greeting she had in mind was gone, as it was swiftly replaced with concern. She feels on edge with Jane's current state.

"Jane? Are you alright? Is something wrong?"

But nothing could have prepared her for what was bound to happen.

"It has to be me, Li," Jane falters.

"You? For what? You're only speaking in code right now, it's not funny!"

A pause takes over. By now, Jane couldn't fully control herself, and from what Li heard, tears were streaming down her face at this point.

"I can't... I can't do this anymore. We're done."

Jane's voice became incoherent, and she didn't expand on it. Instead, she hangs up. Like nothing ever happened.

No other explanations. No follow-ups. Just those simple words.

That's when Li's heart beat much slower. She couldn't feel herself breathe properly. A single tear falls down her face, then several more follow. She couldn't muster a single word.

Why? Why leave Li in the dark? Why say all those things just to leave? How could she do it so easily? Well, it wasn't easy, but Li knows she did it without a second thought, which still hurts.

Was Li purely a guinea pig to Jane? All those tender moments just to squeeze out some realistic dialogue tags for her story? All those times the writer said "I love you" and "I miss you," was it just a ruse?

Li can't even think straight, she tugs on her now-wet bedsheets and lets herself force all those tears out. Oh, how she hated the gut punch.

Now, all her love for Jane is drained. Whatever was there is now lost. The pilot would never see her the same way again. Ever.

———

april, 2006.

Two months have passed since that whole ordeal. It never gets easier. It’s been such a long time since Li’s had a proper good night’s rest without occasionally crying herself to sleep.

Since that breakup, Jane hasn’t even tried to reach out, not even once. Yet, her interviews, her book excerpts, and most importantly, her voice — that’s all Li could see and hear. As if it’s making her mind feel stagnant, empty, and full of sorrow.

Li drops her keys and pilot hat on the floor to plop on the couch. Nick comes from the kitchen, looking exhausted.

“Did school kill you today?”

“Yeah,” said Nick.

“But I finished my chemistry homework. God, I can’t wait for summer to start.

The pilot puts out a white envelope that’s been sitting in her hands. Over the first quarter of the year, she’s been going back and forth to the adoption center for updates about Nick. Even if Nick and Li are in slightly better terms now, she knows there’s at least one person out there willing to take him into their family with open arms. And she thinks she may have found someone.

“Look what I got from the adoption center.”

She hands it to him, and he immediately rips it open, skimming through the contents of the letter. With each word, his eyes go wide. Until his face paints with shock, a single tear falls down his cheek. Without a warning, he tackles Li into the couch and gives her a big hug.

“Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I…”

“I can take you over to their place tomorrow so you can meet them.”

Nick nods, suddenly giddy with excitement.

“Thank you, thank you so much, Li. I’m so so so happy.”

Li brings Nick another side hug, practically giving him no room to leave her grasp.

“How about we dine out to celebrate? I know a good spot nearby.”

The clock strikes eleven in the evening. The stars proudly display themselves, shimmering in the sky. Establishments are starting to close shop, crowds are staying low, and the streetlights flicker like crazy.

Nick’s in his room playing video games and munching on chips, while Li’s been answering emails about work to clutter her digital space. She gets some anxiety knowing that the mails only increase as days go by.

She turns on her computer monitor and opens her messaging app, where she sees several new message notifications from Thomas and Jeanne. They’ve stayed in touch occasionally, but it’s only ever been the bare minimum holiday and birthday messages since their schedules conflict almost all the time. She decides to click on the soldier’s chat window first.

9+ New Messages

What interview? Is this about Jane… again?

She opens a new tab to search for the newest thing from up-and-coming author Jane Dawson. Luckily enough, a few results pop up— interestingly, two of them come from today.

The interviewer had asked her about general questions. Literature, inspirations, her novel, and her personal life. Then, they brought up the possibility of a sequel. The way her and fictional Li’s story ended is good, but can be better. Their happy ending can lead to something more. But Jane’s been fidgety with her movements, frequently looking at the interviewer’s shoes, and her answers to the questions have been… interesting.

She’s been starting to doze off the longer the video goes, skipping through most of it until something caught her attention.

“I think the story’s fine as it is. I mean… fictional Jane and Li get to live their fairytale ending with Nick and have a good life together. Maybe move in, settle down, that sort of stuff.”

The mysterious interviewer asks, “So what about the real Jane and Li? Is this identity simply a mask? Or is this more than just some words on paper?”

“Oh, it’s a hundred percent real. Their first names are all based on reality!” She chuckles, her fingers playing with the side of the couch as her eyes dart to all sides except the camera.

“But we’re not together anymore. She decided to call it off, and I’ve been the most heartbroken woman ever since. So, there might be no sequels, but I’d like to think they’ve gone on their own path to uncover certain adventures together. Maybe it’s not the exact same in real life, but what is fiction reflects on reality. Our relationship is done, but we learned a lot of things.”

That jolted her to pause the video and stand.

“That… ARGH!!”

She slams the table and paces around her room and buries her head in her hands. 

“What? Fucking what?”

Everything was going good, some might say it’s close to picture perfect. Then, she calls nonstop, all worried, only to call it quits. Then she says that? Unbelievable.

She lets out a huff of disbelief. This shouldn’t affect her more than it should, but somehow… somehow Jane still gives her pain. The mere presence or melodic tone of Jane’s voice tugs her heartstrings enough to let it all loose and shatter it to a million pieces.

She bared her heart to some stranger, and for what? Profit. Attention. Spice of personality. What bullshit is that?

Li finally sits down to think. Breaking up with no extra goodbyes, no contact for the last few months.

The novel and book tours were the only valid out Jane has. But... she could've still done them all in a relationship.

Why, just why?

The next day, she opens her computer to shift to Jeanne’s chat window she forgot to answer the day before. Early in the morning, too, where many things lie silent. Nick is asleep, no birds have been chirping, and no annoying neighbor is using the lawnmower.

4 New Messages

To Li’s surprise, she gets another ping from Jeanne this early. Then again, Jeanne’s always been an early bird—bursting with energy even with the sunrise, someone’s gotta do it!

———

august 2006.

“Last one in the water has to make dinner!”

It’s their first of three days in the Cradle, the sky is in a perfect shade of light blue, and the sun isn’t too overbearing for them. Li, Jeanne, Thomas, and Michael finished an exhausting game of volleyball. Leaving them exhilarated, but sore in all the right places. As they dash headfirst into the salty waters, of course, Li enters the ocean waves last. Splashing each other playfully, drenched in saltwater and sweat. It’s been a while since they got to let loose like this. Seeing how everyone agreed to the vacation, seems like they all needed the quick getaway.

Well, that is until a cab rolls into the front of the guesthouse, and a woman steps out of the vehicle. A white slip dress with a long ponytail—with one luggage and one laptop bag.

“That’s my bestselling writer! Jane, you made it!” Jeanne cheers, treading out the waters to give her a hug despite her being soaked.

“Jane…?” Li falters, staying still as the waves gently play with her swimwear.

Michael and Thomas’ smiles die down as they look at each other, then to Li— she knows that they know how she’s feeling this instant. They gesture for her to turn their back on them and pretend as if they didn’t hear or see anything.

Jane briefly goes to the edge of the beach, feeling the coarse sand with her fingers. Accidentally making eye contact with her now ex-girlfriend, Jane's heart sinks as she calls out...

"Li?"

———

Dinner was unusually awkward with the bleak energy. Even with the delicious meals on the table (thanks to Li and Jeanne), there's the occasional chit-chat, but radio silence follows. Everyone except the guesthouse owner knows there's something up. Jane's shoulders are tense, and she looks at Li with a frown. Li tries her damn hardest to pretend she can't see her. Don't look, don't acknowledge—if she wants to play like that, that's what she'll get. Thomas tightly grips Michael under the chair, uncomfortable with the air being so draughty. The doctor averts his gaze at the soldier, giving Jane icy cold stares when their eyes catch each other. Jeanne's caught in the crossfire, continuing to eat their meal despite not knowing anything. As the energy simmers down and the guests start to freshen up, Li begins to wash the dishes. A panicked Jeanne appears in the kitchen. Thomas and Michael follow suit, Thomas constantly looking back in case Jane's around.

"Okay. These two told me what was going on between you and Li. I'm so sorry, if only I had known..."

Thomas pats her shoulder as she gives him a side hug. One glance at Michael and she steps away. Li deeply sighs, finally placing the last cup back in its place.

"It's fine. It's gotten tolerable so far."

"If Jane's being awful to you, let us know, alright?" Jeanne reassures her, enveloping Li in a big hug. Thomas brings both women to rest in his arms and lets Li rest her head on his shoulder. Despite his initial hesitance, Michael pats Li and joins in the group hug.

"Jeanne's your best bet 'cause she knows what to do. But don't be afraid to tell Michael and me, too."

"You only say that 'cause you two are together now!" Li jokes, wiping a small tear that she shed.

"Together? We're not... we're just friends," Michael protests.

"Easy for you to say."

Last year, Michael and Thomas had the most conflicts from the last trip—frequent interruptions and dry conversations. But since Jeanne's special dinner plans by the campfire, there was a sudden switch. Their standoff was over, and they slowly got closer and closer, both physically and emotionally. Even after the trip, they never lost touch since their stay at the Cradle. Like how Thomas and Michael got along and even live in the same neighbourhood in the big city. Well, not in a romantic way. More like codependent friends-slash-neighbors-slash-occasional roommates who'll never get rid of each other despite work and distance. They always said they're now close friends. Well, ones who savor their quality time together, friends who gaze at each other longingly, and dance together just to see who's a worse dancer. Whatever, if that's what they are.

"So, Jeanne..." Michael pulls away, with a certain glance at the wine bottle stored in her cabinet.

"What do you say we catch up? For real this time?"

———

On the second day, things were no better. On their trip to the city, the group only let the radio do the talking for most of the ride.

"Can we switch to another station?" Li asks.

"As long as it's not jazz, it should be fine," Michael replies, his eyes quickly looking at the soldier before focusing on the steering wheel.

Since Jane's fast asleep as their conversation goes on, a speed bump on the road causes her head to tilt down to Li's shoulder. Cramped in the middle of the writer and the soldier, Li sighs, sort of taking in the woman's face up close. She's finally done that for the first time in months, like recalling a lost, unpolished painting from memory.

She hates it, but still her heartbeat goes rapid like she wants more of it. No, it's an accident. Once she gets up, they'll both act like nothing happened.

The five of them split up so it becomes less chaotic, agreeing to meet at a local cafe in an hour. Thomas decided to go alone and shop for new clothes, Jeanne drags Jane to Frenchman Street, and Li and Michael stroll to the nearest souvenir shop.

"How're you and Nick?" Michael asks dryly, not impressed with the generic "I heart NOLA" shirts displayed on the shop's walls.

"We keep in touch once in a while, but he's doing great with his new family."

"Hmm."

Li glances at the doctor nonchalantly reading those tour guide brochures and furrowing his eyebrows—she admires how clear he is when he's not into something, expressions or words.

"How do you think I should deal with Jane?"

Michael doesn't answer.

"I mean, you were one of the first people to know! I'd assume you have something!"

He puts down the bundle of beads he's holding onto and looks at the pilot skeptically.

"Easy, don't bring up the relationship, do your usual stuff, and stay away from her. There's only two days left anyway."

"I wish it were that easy."

"It is easy. It's only your feelings that are holding you back," He smirks, leaning on the shelf to scan Li. He asks himself internally if she's really doubting this. Li's expression contorts a bit, internally cursing at how she felt. She doesn't miss how Jane says her name as they crash onto each other's lips. She doesn't miss Jane's sweet nothings whispered at her ear while they stargaze at the beach. She doesn't miss the tenderness of her actions when Jane remembers all the little details of her life.

A lot has changed. Both of them have changed. Li didn't want to be reminded of the heartbreak when the doctor mentioned the reality check of her strong feelings toward Jane, for better or worse.

———

"Should I do something? I can't stand to see her in pain," Jane shared, pursing her lips.

Jane and Jeanne stroll through the lively Frenchman Street, inhaling the fresh air that smells of flowers and sweet beignets.

Jeanne looks conflicted, knowing all this was Jane's doing. But she could see the sorrow in the writer's eyes. Regret tugs at her, controlling her like a sick puppet.

"If you want to, show her you're sorry. Give her the closure she needs."

Jane nods, taking a mental note of all of it.

"But only if the goodness in your heart wants to do it. If you intend to make amends, then say sorry. If it's only to get back together or find material for your story..."

Jane snaps back to the guesthouse owner at those words, "Then, I suggest you don't."

"I don't, I swear!" Jane puts both arms up in defense, awkwardly laughing at the situation. 

They continue to walk around the street, taking in the lively scenery of the place, especially the soulful jazz in the background. Jeanne stops in her footsteps and points to a man on a typewriter with the sign, "You choose the topic, I make the poem!"

"You want to give her something? The street poets might help, come on."

Jane smiles at the concentrated poet who is buzzed with inspiration and enthusiastically lets them step closer.

"Hey there! Anything you want me to write about?"

Jane lets Jeanne volunteer first as she requests the warm feeling of seeing loved ones for the first time in years. As the man cranks out a string of words with the clanky typewriter, Jeanne's eyes sparkle at the result—it oozes affection and deep caring. Then, Jane clears her throat and asks for the next poem.

"I want... something of regret. Regretting to let go of someone you love so abruptly," Jane hesitates, fearing to spill her life story to some person she'll likely never see again.

"Ooohh, an interesting one. You're like the fifth person to request that today, lots of regret and longing this summer, huh?"

That statement gives Jane a sense of relief. At least it's better than no one acknowledging it. A few minutes later, the poem's finally done. More free verse, but the word counts and flow don't matter to Jane. What mattered was its emotion, and it definitely delivered. The pair walks back to the cafe where Thomas ordered a couple of pastries to take back to the Cradle.

That day felt like it was going at times two speeds. Before they know it, night washes by the Cradle. Jane chugs a glass of water, heart palpitating from the long ride home. Sitting beside the pilot for two hours with no words exchanged made her feel sick. She sits on the edge of her bed, looking down at the floor with a blank expression.

"Fuck... what do I do?"

Seeing Li again made her feel breathless and limp, like being hit with a hammer to the head. The fact that she could've initiated a conversation but chose not to... Then again, what would she say? Maybe some stupid nonsense that sounded way better in her head. She winces at the memory, making it worse that she only thought of better things in the present, brooding in bed over the timing.

Was it from saying nothing at all, or failing to say anything when she knows she should've?

What a fool Jane is.

Since the release of "Bay of Hope," she won't lie, she's entered a writing slump for her next "bestselling" idea, in fear that she'll only chase the inspiration that'll give her profit but no passion. Maybe she's dug herself into that hole, but she doesn't want to think about that.

———

Jane's got no way of telling if the pilot's still asleep, not if she sends her a text. Assuming Li hasn't deleted or blocked her number. Maybe Li even changed her phone number? Jane will test that out.

On the third day, Jane took a cab back to the city. This time, on her own. The French Quarter is still as vibrant and loud as ever. She strolls silently, observing the place while trying to get rid of the mental block in her head.

"Fuck it. I gotta do something I'll regret once in a while."

She says softly, opening her phone on a whim. She sends a double-risky text, hands practically trembling as she accidentally slams her phone shut. Jane enters a nearby cafe, getting herself a croissant and a fresh cup of black coffee. The random sense of fear started rolling in. Li might not answer, or she might delete the text.  Jane sighs in frustration, but maybe she made the right move. She wants to fix at least one mistake in her life. She desperately wants to fix this mistake in her life. 

Oh, she needs to make it right. Some itch in her head's making her do this. It may not go well, but for the peace of her mind, she might as well try. Li's strong, understanding, and kind—maybe the writer can charm her way into being forgiven.

But that makes it look like Jane's there for something else. Why do hard conversations always feel like this?

———

Li goes into the kitchen, yawning and slightly dizzy on her way down.

"Good morning, everyone!" She greets, grabbing a chair to sit on to enjoy Jeanne's decadent breakfast. Looking around, seems the rest are in a good mood, as well.

Jeanne's curls are especially fluffy on a humid, sunny day. Thomas digs into his food, savoring every inch like it's his last. Michael has a wide smile on his face, getting jolted briefly by... god knows what. Today felt like a good day, maybe because...

"Did Jane leave for breakfast?"

"Left early, most likely. When I woke up, she was ready to leave." Jeanne responds, looking out the window.

"What, miss her already?" Michael jokes, earning a small smack from Thomas. He looks at Thomas with irritation, but then decides to ruffle the soldier's hair before going back to eat.

"Ignore him. How are you doing, though?"

"I mean, we haven't talked heart to heart, so not much is happening. Other than that, it's been good. Especially with you guys."

The other woman embraces her from behind, Li spotting the enticing cardamom scent from her perfume.

"Hey, we'll stick by each other's side. No matter what happens."

The two men nod in agreement.

Just then, Li's phone buzzes. She opens it, only to see the notifications she's been dreading.

2 New Messages

"Shit."

"That bad?" Michael asks.

"Yeah..."

"Right. Good luck, then."

Wow, Michael. So reassuring.

Li covers her face with her hands, sighing with exaggeration.

"Do I have to say yes?"

"I don't think she'll give you an option. Just be cautious," Thomas suggests, downing his black coffee.

"I agree with Thomas. Go with an open mind, but if you feel she's stepping the line, then don't be afraid to tell her that."

"Of course, thanks."

Li, of course, didn't respond to Jane's text, only shutting the phone and continuing to eat. Maybe the writer changed her mind?

———

Jeanne sets up a lovely snack bowl with cocktails and a small radio at the beach, just like last year. The stars glisten in the sky, shining brighter than they ever have.

"Everybody... I propose a toast, gather around!" Jeanne shouts, pulling everyone toward her solemn but melodic voice with drinks in hand.

"I want to thank everybody for coming out here. It's an incredible honor to have our schedules align once more to spend these four days together. I say this not only because I'm the host of this house, but also because you four are our friends. To us!"

"To us!" They shout in unison, feeling the refreshing effects of the alcohol down their throat. Jeanne really outdid herself with the drinks.

"We should all take a picture!"

The night really starts to settle in, with deep shades of blue on display. The waves are more aggressive now, matching the upbeat tunes of the radio late at night.

"Hey... I love this song," Thomas admits, pulling Michael and Jeanne out of the soft blanket to dance. They were both hesitant, but they ended up doing it after the constant nagging from the soldier. Li subconsciously reclines on the fine sand. A buzzed Jane taps her on the shoulder, causing Li to flinch.

"Jane!"

"We still have stuff to talk about... why didn't you read any of my texts?"

The awkwardness was at an all-time high. Yet, they find themselves in the Waves' Cradle kitchen, dimly lit—their distance so near each other, one might say there's some palpable unresolved tension that hangs.

"I got a little something for you," Jane initiated the conversation, gifting Li small flowers and the poem she got the other day. Li breathes deeply, speechless at her tracks.

"Oh! Um... thanks."

Jane knew that tone Li used.

It was the passive-aggressive, empty tone she uses when she's forced to stay in a conversation she can't leave. Jane's observed it in her from the months they were together.

"Li- look... I-I'm..."

Why can't Jane find the words now? What if she says something with a twisted meaning?

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything."

Jane pleads, a sad smile pressed onto her face.

"All those things I said... It slipped. I-I didn't mean to, it was all for show!"

Show? All of it was for attention? Li feels the alcohol flow through her veins. Jane can say all these words, but she is not having it.

"Why for show?"

"I... was at a tight spot with the book and a-"

"You just wanted out, didn't you?"

"NO! It's-"

"JANE!" Li slams the counter, and pent-up frustration settles in her face.

"You... You broke up with me over the phone, and you... didn't even say why or give me time to respond. That interview..."

Jane quickly sobers up, her eyes go wide.

"No... You saw it?"

At this point, her expression saddens, and tears swell up in her eyes.

"You lied to people, about me! Don't you know how many strangers tried to call me to get MY side of the story just to feed their gossip trains?"

"I fucking hated it! I hate all that uncertainty you gave me, and worst off..."

Jane steps nearer, trying to cup her face. Li steps back, her face red, and tries her damn hardest not to cry like a mess.

"I hate how you acted like nothing happened. It felt so... twisted. Was that all I meant to you? Some lab rat for your story idea?"

"Li, you do mean a lot to me but-"

"There's always a but! Why couldn't we be something? What was it?"

Jane's eyes look somber, too. She averts her gaze to anywhere but Li, sad that she might be losing not only a former lover, but maybe a friend.

"I needed to fix myself. I felt so overwhelmed, and I didn't want to hurt you."

Before Li could get a word in, Jane continued.

"I know in the end, I still did. Promises I failed to keep, wrong decisions I made... I-"

Jane sheds a tear, but quickly wipes it. Li tries to hold in her quivering lips to avoid saying bad shit. But, she's struggling to.

"I'm sorry. I truly am."

A pause briefly takes up the gaps of conversation. The wind rustling, the other three dancing the night away, and the whooshes of the water.

"No."

"No?"

This bullshit apology sends Li to the edge.

"What do you want out of this?"

"I just want us to be friends again! I know with time, we can sweep this under the rug and-"

"Of course not!"

Li starts to speed walk up the stairs, letting tears flow down her face.

"Li-"

Her mouth opens to speak before her mind has time to process carefully.

“You put my secrets without my permission and twisted the narrative so many times! You say you aim for authenticity and then lie to the world about me? What kind of shit were you trying to pull?!”

The pilot is now standing at her room door, ready to cry herself to sleep.

"Li! Please!" Jane cries, pulling her by the wrist to see the pilot's face.

Li knows it won't work. Not anymore. She was kept in the dark for a while, and for what? To be plunged straight back in when Jane's done with "Bay of Hope?"

No way.

If that's how she wants to dig her own grave, Li will let her do just that.

"I won't let you. Especially when I showed you how much I loved you."

She opens the door and comes face-to-face with Jane one last time.

"Go fuck yourself while you're at it!"

Li slams the door in Jane's face and crashes onto her bed. She's been numb in her body, only feeling sadness.

"Why... just why?"

———

After a whole night of breaking down on the bed, the sunrise comes. The guesthouse has mellowed down, with Jeanne, Li, and Thomas being the only ones awake.

"I can't believe you're going to be the first one to leave." Jeanne bemoaned, drinking a glass of water.

"Can't believe it either, but life goes on," Thomas says, opening his arms to give Li a gentle hug. He hasn't gone on his daily workout yet, so his appearance still looks pretty much tidy.

"I'll miss you guys, seriously. Same season next year?"

Jeanne laughs, "You better."

The three load Li's luggage into the cab, and after a goodbye that somehow felt too short, she hops inside. Staring at the window to say goodbye to the duo. A sliding door swings open, and a groggy Jane steps outside. Even with the tinted glass window, Jane's heart is crushed when she sees Li all happy at the other two, waving her goodbye. The cab picks up speed— for some reason, Li looks up, and her smile drops, seeing Jane stare absently while she departs.

The pilot takes one final look at the Waves' Cradle before her eyes focus on the road.

Despite the pristine landscapes and lovely jazz on the radio, Li had a painful urge to sob. So she did.

A blurry vision, she hated being forced to recall the memories she tried to get rid of. She doesn't wipe her tears, she doesn't wail, only crying in silence. Suffering without any words, the way she's used to.

She won't be a pawn to Jane's story, no more. She knows it's not worth it, she can't even lie to herself. Li proceeds to delete Jane's conversation windows and block her number. From friends to lovers, lovers to exes, and now exes to complete strangers. Who would've thought?

It's not easy, but would Li prefer to live in pain? Of course not, no one does.

Will she regret this decision? She sits in those thoughts as tears continue to fall from her already red eyes.

"Only one way to find out."