Chapter Text
The day this story begins wasn’t the best in Will’s life – and actually, for now, was one of the worst. If only after all that happened to him over the past few years could be somehow worse. Since the early morning, just after he opened his eyes, he had a pretty bad fight with his brother Jonathan. Maybe it sounds like a trifle, but for Will – it truly wasn’t. He really didn’t like fighting with him. With anybody actually, but especially with him, when they had always been on good terms. But since last winter, almost a year after California, something changed. After their comeback to Hawkins, everything was fine for almost a year, but after the winter, it felt like everything collapsed. He started seeing things again, had a lot more nightmares that he wanted to admit, but the thing is – he didn’t. He couldn’t just admit to those nightmares to his brother and pretty much to anybody. Maybe besides Mike, he knew about a few of them. But the fight that he had this morning was again about his bad dreams. Jonathan was saying that he was mumbling in his sleep again and was restless for the whole previous night, which was, in fact – true, but if Will would admit to it, Jonathan wouldn’t leave him alone. He was too much worried about him – and he didn’t want that. He would ask a million questions and treat him like a child who can’t deal with its shit on his own. A little too protective, like Will was fragile as porcelain. He hated that. He hated that almost everyone around him was treating him like he could just easily break. Maybe it is true… But they never gave him the time, they were always putting pressure on him, till he actually breakes and tells them everything they wanted to hear. He was sick of that. With all those situations in the past few years circulating around him, he was done. He wanted it to be over, to kill Vecna and end it once for all, but right now that was just stupid nightmares, right? His brain trying to process his long-term neverending trauma. He didn’t want people around him to worry unnecessarily if it was nothing. If he didn’t tell them – that it means it never happened, right? He was hiding a lot of things in this way. He just didn’t want his loved ones to be worried about the trifles, whether Will stumbled on something or not.
Will had worse days, well… pretty much every day, but why, you ask? Well, more on that later. This day wasn’t planning on ending with just him and Jonathan fighting. It was just after the breakfast, and young Byers' head was about to burst – and not from the fight, it wasn’t that tense, but especially because behind him was another sleepless night. This night, he was alone in the Wheelers’ basement, unlike the day before when his brother was sleeping on the couch next to him. Usually Jonathan was sneaking to Nancy’s bedroom just after he heard that Mr. Wheeler had fallen asleep in his lay-z-boy, but sometimes when his brother was just as much worried as Will didn’t want him to be, he would stay up with him downstairs for the whole night. They had several arguments about that – whether Jonathan should stay with him or not. Yes, he was worried, but Will didn’t need him there for all of his stupid, bad dreams. In fact, he didn’t want him there. Those dreams felt uhm, well.. private. He couldnt’t just talk about them to him (or anybody) without lying, and Will hates lying, but sometimes – it’s the only way to not get caught. Besides all of that, he loved Jonathan, even if they had been arguing much more for the past few months. But just… he wanted to be alone, like he deserves it. Also, he didn’t understand why he preferred sleeping in the cold basement with his younger brother when Nancy was sleeping in her warm room. She was his girlfriend, it was natural. Even if Mr. Wheeler wasn’t a fan of it. Will didn’t know if he was still this clueless or just chose to ignore it. Probably the first one, he didn’t even like the idea of Jonathan sleeping in that room with his daughter. But this night, this sleepless night was awful. He was immersed in tormenting thoughts and repeated crying. It wasn’t the first one in this month, oh god! If it even was the first one in this shitty week – and certainly not the last… Will had troubles with sleeping for a long time, but the last night was extremely cruel. He managed to close his eyes for like a half an hour? Maybe a little bit more. Will just couldn’t remember, but the dream he had, he remembered all too well. Another nightmare he would rather not return to. Bad dreams have slowly become a daily occurrence in Will’s life in recent months, but tormented him almost every night. He would usually wail in his sleep, and when he finally stopped, he would wake up in fear or panic. Tonight, during his first few attempts to fall asleep, he had very short dreams that felt more like the beginnings of nightmares. They confused the images in his head, making him unable to distinguish reality from what’s not; after each one of them, he woke up with a racing heart and a constant headache. Situations like this were quite common in Will’s life. But not about that now. This evening, something worse than some nightmare was about to happen. Something what started as a seemingly ordinary dinner at Wheeler’s house turned into another argument with his brother…
This evening didn’t look like anything special. More as monotonous as usual. Will, for the whole day, was sitting locked in the basement all alone with his thoughts. As bad as it sounds, well – it isn’t. It’s Mike’s basement, his new bedroom, somewhere he grew up and spent half of his life in. It’s cozy. In the winter, it might be colder in here than in the rest of the house, but it was fine. Will had the radiators and A LOT of blankets. Today, he was sketching something D&D related in his sketchbook just to distract himself. Distract himself from these awful feelings. Those feelings he shouldn’t feel. But the drawings always came back to turning into Mike. His goddamn face, his perfectly scattered freckles around his long nose, his beautiful dark brown eyes and lips he could look at forever, only if he could. But he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t feel those things. That’s not normal. No normal boy does that. At some point in this long day, he even tried to read one of the books Holly gave to him, but as far as the story was captivating, his thoughts always landed back on Mike. How he would always come up with those crazy stories and tell them to Will when he was feeling down. Even when they were just little. It seemed like an ordinary, maybe even a bit boring and lonely spring day. He would try to push away those overwhelming thoughts in every possible way, but all his efforts were in vain. He couldn’t focus on anything, which eventually resulted in him spending most of the day lying on his mattress, staring blankly at the wooden ceiling. When he finally allowed himself to accept the thoughts growing in his head, he couldn’t push them aside anymore. They occupied his entire mind, converging into hundreds of questions. He pondered about his relationship with Jonathan, about that maybe finally he should get around to talking to him somehow – even if it was damn hard. He really wanted to have good relationships with him again. These last few months have been even more difficult than usual and painful. He wanted to open up to his brother, to tell him all those things he wanted to hear and answer the questions with which he tormented him so much. But he didn’t know how. How to open up on such difficult things. After some deep considerations, he came to the conclusion that it would never happen. He couldn’t even imagine such a reality. Even IF, big if, and maybe his brother would understand him, what would he say? He couldn’t help. Because nobody is like that, nobody is those things. At least not in this goddamn town. Nobody normal was kidnapped and possessed. Well, nobody who’s also in love with their boy-best friend, while also being a boy. Sometimes Will thinks it’s a punishment. He isn’t disgusted by himself, actually not at all, even if his dad was telling him otherwise. He grew into these things. But still, he should’t feel it. He shouldn’t, and he knows nobody would understand it.
He simply couldn’t imagine a reality where he could love a boy, and somebody would understand it. Maybe some people could accept it, yeah, but he knew nobody would understand. Not where he lives. His father always told him that he and young Wheeler are bad influences on each other. That he – Will – probably caught this disease from some other boy. Yes, that’s exactly how he said it… He was so manipulative. Luckily, he’s long gone, Will doesn’t know what is happening to him right now, and it’d be better if it stayed that way. On the other hand? His brother, his mom, almost everyone – they’re way too protective. He loved them, of course he did. He loves his family with all of his heart, but sometimes it’s just hard. Not loving them, but it’s hard to watch them being so protective of him, especially after he went missing. It’s understandable that they care, but sometimes it’s just too much for him. Does he even deserve it? Even when he is tormented by nightmares again? Will didn’t know what the worst of it all was. Was it Vecna who wanted to use him quarter of his life now? Was it everyone who treated him like glass? The rumors gossiped behind his back? His love for his lifelong best friend? Or the nightmares coming back for him every night? Was Vecna and the Upside Down that almost killed him worse than his drowning feelings that made him want to do it himself? Everything and all at once was piling up in his poor, overwhelmed body. All this was destroying him mentally, one piece after another…
It was almost 7 o’clock, of which Will wasn’t even aware. This day wasn’t the best, but it passed quite quickly – considering how many things he thought about and how many times he cried about them… He just wanted to talk to Mike right now, so that at least some of his pain would fly out of him. I’m saying some because Will would never dare to say anything about his feelings for the boy himself. Not after that spring day in the back of the van. But right now, his best friend was still probably at Hopper’s cabin. So there was no point in even counting on an evening talk or ever. He didn’t want to call to the cabin when there was – pretty much everyone in there. His mom, Mike, his sister… El. He didn’t have the courage to tell her the truth. Even if she suspected it. He didn’t have the courage to tell anybody this terrifying truth, actually. El and Mike broke up long time ago, but this topic is still too fragile for him. Also, to this day, he doesn’t know the entire truth behind it, or at least not the one he’s aware of. He’s just glad that they are on good terms now and don’t argue so much. He was actually kinda relieved when they broke up. So much guilt. But he – Will Byers was keeping their relationship on a thin string as El told him one day – and apparently, it wasn’t working for them. Which is weird, he thought their relationship was perfect. And yet still, the boy he dreamed of talking to right now was there. Right there, unaware of any of Will’s thoughts right now. Why didn’t Will go to the cabin with him, you may ask? Well, simply as that – he was too tired, he didn’t feel well all day, and especially not after his fight with Jonathan. He didn’t want to go there just to have more people worrying about him. It wasn’t fair – he fought only with his brother, not anybody else. But still, he decided to stay home today. He was afraid that if he called Mike on his walkie, everybody would answer, not just him – and Will really didn’t want that. Too risky.
Byers had been thinking about Mike for a couple of hours now; he was losing track of time, but he couldn’t stop it. Stop the thoughts and get him off his head. So after a while, he finally allowed them to flow freely through his mind. So freely and carelessly… even if it caused him a rollercoaster of emotions. Because some of them he smiled involuntarily, some of them made him lose himself in endless unknowns, and some of them even made him cry. Will clearly knew that the world he lives in isn’t perfect, but lately everything has been falling apart for him. Nothing worked out for him, he spent all days in the Wheelers’ basement, couldn’t have anything done, and his relationships with everyone were deteriorating like never before. He could go on like this forever. And the worst part was that he felt like all of this was his fault. At the same time, he felt too many overwhelming emotions and a lack of them. As if they just became empty… In this moment, he was sitting with his pillow hugged tightly to his chest and crying. Just like when he was little. He was crying, trying with all his might to forget what was agonizing him at that moment – but nothing. He sat curled up at the foot of the couch, not knowing what to do. He felt helpless, and his head was pierced by a terrible pain. Snots were running from his nose, and tears were coming from his eyes. When he really couldn’t cope anymore, he thought of his last resort… He thought for a second about calling one of his friends (which he never did at times like these, so hearing him in such a state must have been really strange)... At least the relationship with them was still fine… He needed to get at least some of his problems out… When he finally got up from the floor, feeling a little dizzy, he went to the walkie. He was just about to set the frequency when he heard a loud knock on the basement door, Nancy calling him for dinner… His salvation was lost…
Will put the walkie-talkie down in its place and looked at it again. To be honest, it did depress him a bit. But fate decided to keep digging holes in his bones until the very end… So stupid. He blew his nose and thought no more about it. He couldn’t. He climbed the steps to the door and paused for a moment. He reluctantly looked at the doorknob and grabbed it. It took a few seconds before he actually opened them. And then… the realization kicked in. Shit. He hoped nobody saw him yet.
- Will, are you coming? – Jonathan called out, just like Will wasn’t crying two minutes ago. – Everything’s ready! Come on! – There was a hurry in his voice. Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler hated waiting, so they didn’t. They never did, but that was okay with Will. Just as long as they didn’t care or didn’t notice his frequent crying lately.
- Yeah, I’m coming! Just forgot to wash my hands! I’ll be in a minute. – He called back, turning to the bathroom in the basement. He had to take the opportunity to check himself out in the mirror, to see what condition he was in. So Jonathan and the others wouldn’t suspect anything. It wasn’t looking good. Will rinsed his face with cold water, dried it, and looked at it, searching for any signs that he was crying. Only his eyes were just a little dark-circled, but to such an extent that it was normal for him – so nobody should ask anything. Honestly, nobody ever asked anything, maybe except Jonathan and Mike sometimes. They could see right through him. It was scary. But they never did that at dinner, only when they were alone. Thank god. Others either didn’t know or weren’t paying attention. And that’s good. Will didn’t like excessive attention. Either way, he decided not to bother with it right now. He already got used to the thought that his real problems, and not the ones others considered important, nobody gave a shit about.
He quickly brushed his hair, washed his hands, and went to the kitchen. On the table, there was a casserole and fewer plates than usual. There was no sight of the one by Mike’s seat. Casserole was the most common dish seen in the Wheeler household when Karen didn't feel like cooking. Just a moment for preparation, and the rest of it was baking. Will put some of it on his plate, knowing he probably wouldn’t eat most of it anyway… Lately, he has had almost no appetite and generally hasn’t eaten much… After few seconds, his brother sat beside him with his chair creaking.
- Where is Mike? – Will asked, looking confused at his empty chair.
- He stayed up late in the cabin with El. He said they need to talk about something. I don’t know what about, though. – Said Nancy, shrugging her shoulders, also sitting down at the table.
Will only grunted, acknowledging. Jonathan’s eyes were staring at him like he knew something was off. But Will didn’t notice it. He also served himself some food, and when everybody was already there, they sat in silence for a while, with the only sound being the occasional scraping of the tableware. It was usual. Wheelers didn’t talk much during dinner. There were some nights when everyone was talkative, but this was definitely not one of them, as Will thought. It felt like everybody was tired. Will took only a few bites and started to reluctantly peck his portion of casserole.
- Is there something wrong with the casserole, honey? – Karen asked, noticing. She probably thinks that Will must hate her cooking after all this time.
Will looked up from his plate. – No, I like it. It’s just… I think I’m not that hungry.
- Oh, honey, it’s alright. Just eat some more. You didn’t eat much today. – She smiled at him tenderly.
Will tried to smile back, but he did it almost unnoticeably and nodded slightly. The dinner seemed like any other, or at least the one where there were no arguments in sight. Eventually, everyone started talking, mostly about unimportant things. Everyday things. They even talked about the day in Hopper’s cabin. How he and Joyce are doing – and El. But yet still, Will didn’t look up from his plate since Mike’s mother asked him about his food. Something was really bothering him, and the script was heading towards another argument with his brother…
- Hey. – Jonathan whispered to him, and Will finally looked up. – Everything’s all right? – He asked caringly as he usually did.
- Yeah, I’m fine. – He said dismissively, but still convincingly, but for his brother, something was still off.
Jonathan looked him up and down but didn’t say anything more. They went back to eating, but Will constantly felt his gaze piercing. After the dinner, when everybody had already put away their plates and other tableware, and the kitchen was clean, Jonathan followed his brother to the basement. Will didn’t want that, but his brother already started asking so many questions. They were coming down the stairs when Jonathan said – You know you can talk to me, Will.
- I know. But everything’s all right, Jonathan.
- I can see something is happening.
- Nothing is happening, really, I’m fine. – They reached the table, and Will turned around to face his brother. – I’m fine. – He tried to sound convincing again. – You can take your pillows and go to Nancy.
Jonathan sighed. – Will, I… I’m just trying to help, alright? I know something happened, so why won’t you just talk to me? – He said more calmly. – Is it about Mike? Did you guys argue? You two haven’t been talking much this week.
- Oh my god, nothing happened. – He seemed a little annoyed by now. – I just want to be alone. Please. – Will sighed, sitting down on the couch.
- We agreed to no more secrets, remember? I’m here for you. – He sat on the other side of the couch before Will could open his mouth again.
- Jonathan, please. Nothing is happening. I will come to you as soon as something happens. – He leaned against the back of the couch.
- No. Will, you’ve been telling me this for ages. I… I know there’s something going on, but you won’t tell me, for God only knows the reason why. I don’t know if you don’t trust me anymore or-
- I trust you, Jonathan. I just… I just can’t talk about it. It doesn’t have anything to do with my trust for you, okay? You can go to Nancy, I’ll be fine.
- Jesus! I don’t know why you are rushing me so badly. – He rubbed his forehead and slapped his hand against his knee in exhaustion. – I have time. I just want to understand why you can’t tell me- – He suddenly stopped. – Are those sleeping pills? – He was kind of startled. He furrowed his brows and looked at Will.
- You know I’ve been taking them for a few months now? – He said, confused.
- See? You don’t talk to me anymore! I don’t even know what’s going on in your life. – He bit his lower lip and looked away. His eyes were sad. – Will, please, I don’t want to put pressure on you. Just talk to me. It can’t be that hard.
Yeah, it is. It is that hard. How could Will even think about those things, let alone – say them.
- So don’t. – He answered quietly and looked at Jonathan.
- What?
- Don’t put pressure on me. - Their eyes met. – I already told you. If something happens, I’ll come to you. But not tonight. – And maybe never. – For now, just leave me alone, please. – He pursed his lips.
Jonathan sighed again and closed his eyes for a second. – Yeah, alright. Okay. – He was sad, Will could tell. But what he couldn’t - had to stay in his mind. In his thoughts. – Just tell me if you need anything. – He smiled sadly.
- I will. – Will faked his smile back.
Jonathan finally got up from the couch, looked at Will again, and went up the stairs towards the door. Will could finally be alone.