Chapter Text
The summer burned till the sweltering end, the city was sticky, the air clinging to every surface of skin that dared peaked out. His messenger bag thumped against his hip softly as he moved down the sidewalk, narrowly avoiding the various old ladies and their shopping carts as he made his way over to the subway. He’d done this walk thousands of times in his 34 years, walk three blocks, head towards the train heading downtown, get onto the train, and walk 2 blocks to his office. There was nothing different about today, except for the pit growing in his stomach with every step. It’s fine, it’s normal today, nothing is going to happen today. He let out a sigh, it was always lingering in the back of his mind, if it would happen again, it couldn’t right? Enough had happened to him, to his family, it couldn’t happen again. If he had anything to do with it, nothing bad would ever happen again to anybody. The air was always still in moments like this, like the universe had taken a giant breath and swallowed Will whole. His legs kept moving but he knew it was no use.
As he made his way into the belly of the city, the sound of the subway broke him out of a trance that would only leave him panicking. Without the comfort of his small apartment walls around him, he felt exposed, but everybody felt this way when it got close to September, surely. His therapist called it an anniversary response, he thought that was bullshit. Mike said maybe there was some truth behind it, but he didn’t want to listen to that. He believed that he was the only soul left in this god forsaken city that still cared, everywhere he went, he was on heightened alert; every man, woman, and child was a threat to him and his families safety. “I really need to call my mom” the thought passed through his mind as quickly as it entered. The slow rocking of the subway car lulled his anxiety, just slightly, the squeal of metal on metal forced his eyes open, sighing, he contorted his body towards the opening doors. The subway was always full around this time of day, Will would know, he spent 5 hours trapped in one of these cars as the world above him ended as he knew it. The fog of his brain came back, his legs moved his body forward, but it was as if somebody else was in control, or maybe his subconscious knew exactly where to take him. He narrowly avoided bumping into a group of men in suits, school children, and tourists. He hated seeing the tourists here, were they here to gawk and gasp at the hole in his city?
Mike said it was mean to think that way, that it happened to them too, but did it? They were the ones that lived here, they had to watch from their rooftops the world end as they knew it. Sometimes it felt undeserving, nobody he knew died, friends of friends, yes. Will had never been to so many funerals, and he hoped he never would go to one again. The first one had been emotional, he hadn’t been to a funeral since he was 11, and his great uncle he barely knew died. This was different, these were his peers, people he could have befriended, people who were just living life like him until somebody, or a group of people, decided they deserved to die. Will never felt angry, at least not in public, or even in front of Mike. His anger was his, and he wanted to keep a piece of it alive. As the funerals went on, so did the anger, it wasn’t fair. Nothing was ever fair.
He walked up the stairway towards the city streets, the sun slicing through the air between the skyscrapers. The financial district was still a buzzing center but it had this sadness embedded within it now, it was as if the buildings had swallowed up the trauma imposed upon them, and spit it back out onto the residents of its halls. Will sucked air into his lungs as he pushed forward, his office coming into view. Fucking finally, the thought at the front of his brain as he pushed into the slightly too warm lobby. It was going to be a long fucking day.
The day that Will gets listened to by his senior leadership was the day that pigs fly. He was on edge all day, the coffee machine stopped working, and his desk neighbor was being extra annoying; he usually could ignore Janet, but god was she getting on his fucking nerves today. By 1pm he knew he was about to lose it, “I’m going to lunch Janet, please do not come with me” was what he wanted to say, instead he was the polite boy from 1996 that she met. “I’m heading to lunch Janet, do you wanna come with?”, he clenched his teeth begging the universe to give him a moment of silence, alone with his lunch, and his horrible thoughts. It had been four years, surely he should be over this by now, everybody else was, or were they all pretending? Will could never tell, it felt like he was supposed to move on and forget, meanwhile the whole country and goddamn George W. Bush were telling him to remember. He didn’t want to remember, but it was like a horror movie he couldn’t turn off in his mind. It stayed on the TV, even when it was unplugged. Sometimes when he got too in his head, he could remember the way it smelled, like a lingering burning, for weeks. His lungs hurt constantly, he wanted to go home to Hawkins, but he was too scared to leave. He knew Mike was too.
“Oh it's okay Will, I’m going later.”
That's not what he thought she would say, but Will was eternally grateful that on today of all days she’s leaving him the fuck alone.
“Alright, I’ll see you later.”
He picked up his lunch box from under his desk, it always made him feel like a kid again. Mike said if it helped, then it helped; and it did help. Planning things out, knowing what to expect even if it was as simple as knowing what food he was having for lunch took a weight off of Will. I can’t wait to be home, in my bed. As he made his way towards the breakroom the tightness in his chest returned, as if somebody had reached into his body and held his lungs captive in their grip. Relax, it's just lunch, it's just the break room. It's okay he tried to relax his body, but his mind moved a thousand miles per hour. At least in here he could so much as glance at his cell phone, the Nokia in his hand within a second, pulling up his text messages with Mike.
Hi I miss u hope work is well 4 u
He hit send, and held his breath while the little bars searched for a signal; the slight buzz signifying that the message had sent. Will opened his lunch bag, he knew exactly what should be in his bag, and luckily it was all there, he let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding in. At least he could control this, maybe he can’t control the world, but lunch, yeah he can control this. The small phone buzzed on the table, signifying that Mike had messaged back.
hi i miss you too, are you eating lunch? how are you feeling?
Will smiled, sometimes he felt stupid for smiling at the tiny screen in front of him, but Mike was in there so why not smile. If anybody asked, he was smiling at a message from his sister or something. He quickly typed a small reply,
Yes lunch. Fine I cant wait to see u i miss u
Will carefully placed down his prized possession, and finally picked up his sandwich, which he had thoughtfully planned for himself yesterday. Just a few more hours until he would be back in his apartment, it was safe there, it was sane there. He could exist there without wanting to die. Not that he thought about it often, it just was a lingering passing thought, always in the back of his mind. Not necessarily an action he wanted to take, but if it happened he wouldn’t be too upset about it. He tried to let the thought pass through his mind, but it became stuck for just a moment longer than he would have liked.
It always happened in moments where he wished it didn’t. The guilt that he was alive, he got to go home to his boyfriend, he got to continue living, and so many people died. He didn’t like to think about it, but it was always there in his mind. He got to be alive. It’s hard because he knows that there must have been a reason he got to continue living, and yet he often was at a loss of words when he tried to understand why he got to. Mike tells him he's being too hard on himself, that there's nothing he could have done, but the pit in his stomach grows everyday when the thoughts pass through him, like ghosts.
Just relax, William, he could hear Mike’s voice in his head when he started to panic and freeze up, but god what he wouldn’t give to be at home in his bed, with his safe four walls. When he talked to his mom, she always sounded so pitiful towards him, Mike never did that, Mike tried to make it better anyway that he could; even if it didn’t always help, he always tried.
He felt like a royal fuck up, who panics in their breakroom while eating a sandwich, Will Byers apparently did. He was silently happy that this was the one day that Janet decided she didn’t want to subject him to her personal life, but right now he kinda missed it, at least it would have distracted him from the horrors behind his eyes. He glanced down at his watch, and to his dread his thirty minute government mandated lunch break ended five minutes ago; he still had half a sandwich left.
The day dragged on after that, his rock of a nokia had one bar of battery left, and like a moron he didn’t keep a spare charging cable in his desk. Could this day get any worse? As time moved closer to 5pm, his anxiety became worse and worse. He knew at least four other people on this floor who had the exact same cell phone, surely one of them would have a charger he could use. Truthfully, he didn’t really care about his phone dying, but what if something happened?
He didn’t try to find a charger.
5:01pm, and he was packing up his messenger bag and saying his goodbyes to the remaining souls on this dreary floor. Making his way down the stairs, he didn’t want to get stuck in the elevator, it was only ten flights, besides it was extra exercise. Finally at street level, he walked the path he had walked for the last nine years, two blocks, down to the subway going uptown, walk up from the subway, three blocks home. He did it everyday, and he could do it again today. But it felt so much longer, it was as if the world was moving in slow motion. Everything felt wrong, all he wanted was to be in bed. Mike would be home, he always got home before Will, that's the benefit of teaching, Mike got home everyday at 3:45pm. Today would be just the same, It’s always the same, except when it wasn’t. Will tried to forget that day, he wanted to do nothing but forget, he wanted to forget the entire year of 2001, the entire thing had been tainted and burned. Will knew he was a lucky person in this situation, so why did he feel so fucking bad all the time.
His train was delayed, because fucking of course it was, and his Nokia, it decided to die the very moment after Will thoughtfully typed out to Mike, “delay :(”
Just relax, it will be okay, you’ll be home soon. Mike will be there, waiting for you. After a delay of seven minutes he finally made his way uptown on the 2. It was only 16 minutes on the train, and then three blocks, he would be home soon and he would be safe in his apartment away from the world. He felt grateful for a place to lean, considering the entire population of Manhattan was on this train for some fucking reason. As the train slowly picked up speed he could feel his anxiety slowly leaving his body, the further he got from the financial district the more air he could get into his lungs. It was like that everyday, the more distance between him and the tomb, the better he could breathe. Sometimes he thought about leaving his job because the anxiety of simply existing downtown made his skin crawl, but he made good money and lord knows they can't survive on Mike’s 10th grade English teacher salary. So he went downtown everyday, and hoped the tightness in his chest would let up one day.
It didn’t.