Chapter Text
Lying in an uncomfy beach chair, he stared at the digital sky. Wondering how long it’d take until he abstracted. What would it feel like? Would it be painful or peaceful? Maybe an uncomfy mix of both. Like getting your socks wet, or in his case, overalls. Just on time, he felt someone spill a bucket of water on him, too mentally drained to actually move, he barely sat up before lying back down. Looking to his right, he saw Zooble. Of course Zooble would do that.
“What was that for?” His voice came out softer and more exhausted than he would’ve liked it to.
“Huh, let me see-“
He forced himself not to listen to any of the reasons they listed off. He didn’t want to be reminded of all he’d done.
“-I could go on.” They leaned in, anger and hatred etched on their face.
Jax looked away.
“Aren’t you supposed to be miserable about your ability to change your own body or something?” It was weak. He didn’t want to think of a real insult right now and give Zooble a reason to bury him in the sand.
“I’ve been thinking the ability to change is fine-“ they noticed Jax look back at them, his expression showing… envy? They couldn’t tell. “-not having to commit to one thing all the time.”
Jax’s eye contact didn’t last long. He looked away, crossing his arms. “How ‘bout that?”
Zooble squinted, stepping closer. “And if I do still have problems, I talk about them, with the ones I trust.”
Without thinking, Jax harshly replied. “What makes you think I trust any of you?”
“Not even Pomni? You two seemed to get along really well last adventure.” They sat next to his chair.
“I- no. I said I don’t trust any of you.” He couldn’t make eye contact.
“You’re surrounded by five other people who wouldn’t tell anyone your secrets if you shared them.”
Jax let out a small fit of giggles. “You really believe that? What about the bar adventure when Pomni told everyone about Kinger’s dead wife? Or the stargazing adventure wh“ he cut himself off. His smile dropping.
Zooble raised an eyebrow. “What happened during the stargazing adventure?” They relaxed their posture, their hands behind them, holding their back, their legs crossed. They wanted Jax to feel like they were talking to a friend rather than… someone who hated him.
“Nothing.” He replied quickly. Shoulders tense. If it was anyone else, Zooble would’ve put their hand on the other’s shoulder to calm them down, but not with Jax. They just looked up at him and waited for him to go on.
“Like- Ragatha knows more about me than anyone else in the circus-“
Ragatha? That was pretty unexpected, but it made sense.
“-But that doesn’t give her permission to tell Pomni about my past! Right?!” He let out a loud groan, shutting himself up and leaning back into his chair.
“It doesn’t give her permission to do that, no.” Zooble spoke. “There’s still me, Gangle, and Kinger. Hell, even Caine. His advice is s##t but he does listen.”
He stayed silent. Welp. They tried, they got up with a sigh.
“You know where to f-“ their eyes widened. Their body froze. Their heart stopped. Slowly turning their head back, they saw Jax, holding onto their hand, but still looking away from their gaze. “Just say ‘stay’. You don’t have to grab my hand.” Their voice was filled with venom as they quickly and harshly shook their hand out of his grip.
His arm fell limp, landing on his stomach. Should he apologize? The words died on his tongue.
Zooble sighed. He just loved to act all strong didn’t he? But in reality he was sensitive as hell. He didn’t feel comfortable talking now did he? “Sorry.” They sat back down next to him.
“Me too.” He looked back up at the sky.
“What happened after you shot me?”
“What?” He whispered. How did they know something happened after they won the gun adventure?
“Something happened between you and Pomni after you shot me, right? That’s why you sat away from us at the awards show.”
He huffed. Of course Zooble would catch onto that. They were so observant.
“Yeah. We had a fight, so what?” He acted dismissive, looking away to hide the tears in his eyes. If he didn’t feel so drained, he would’ve ran out of there. Well, he could tough it out and run anyways. Did he want to though?… He didn’t know.
“A fight? Why?” They moved closer. Triggering an old instinct in Jax. He blinked away his tears and put on his large grin and stood up against his will.
“Why don’t you ask her? I’m leaving.” He started walking away.
Zooble stood up instantly. “Where are you going?”
Jax could tell they cared. Whatever. Caring never served him any good. “Anywhere you losers won’t yap my ear off.”
Zooble stood shocked, watching him calmly walk away after all that.
After entering the tent, he slowly walked to his room and locked the door behind him, lying on his comfortable mattress in the dark.
Sigh…
He looked to his left, seeing his wall of turned around Polaroids. Reaching out, he turned around the one closest to him. His most recent photo of himself, Kaufmo, and his beloved frog, Ribbit. He’d already cried so much over her, it felt impossible to cry more. He didn’t. He heard a weird rumble coming from his wall, turning to face it, he saw a triangle shaped hole from his wall.
His chest tightened. There was nothing scary about a hole in his wall, but he couldn’t help but panic. Especially as he heard crawling coming from it. A familiar pair of hands found its way outside of it and started reaching towards Jax.
His heart rate slowed.
His eyes softened.
He felt safe.
His body involuntarily made his hand reach toward the other’s. Ribbit… his friend…
A painful shock went through his body, he didn’t scream, didn’t even whimper. When he opened his eyes again he was met with bright colors. Where had his friend gone?
Getting past the bright colors, he saw mountains with his face, Kaufmo’s face, and Ribbit’s face implanted on it. What a weird sight. He liked it.
He felt himself get tired, he closed his eyes and smiled, embracing the phantom feeling of reconnection with his past friends.
A knock on his door jolted him awake from his sleep. For a moment after waking up, all he saw was bright colors, but instead of feeling comforting, it felt like they were stabbing him in the eyes. His entire body was hot and sweaty. His hand shook as he reached out to touch his cheek,
making sure he was still there.
He was abstracting, he could only assume. No. No no no no no no no no no. NO! Seriously? He’d done everything he could to prevent this. He pushed people away. He acted like a jerk to stop anyone who wanted to get close, and he succeeded, but it didn’t work. it didn’t work. it didn’t work. He almost failed. What could he do differen-
Ragatha. She’d been in the circus longer than him. She was kind and wanted to make friends instead of pushing everyone away. Would that work for him too?
He opened the door, seeing Zooble. His mask was completely off. He didn’t even try to act like his ‘usual self’. In fact, he tried the opposite. To act like who he really was. Even if he barely knew that person anymore.
“Need something?”
Zooble squinted. “Why are you sweaty?”
“J-just a nightmare. Nothing to worry about.” He stepped out of his room and closed the door. Despite needing to change for the better now, he still didn’t want to face the embarrassment of someone else seeing his room.
“Ragatha and Gangle made cookies together and had some extras. Here.”
They gave Jax a small pink box with a drawn on heart. Next to the heart was Gangle’s handwriting ‘Zooble’.
“It has your name on it. Why are you giving this to me?” He held it carefully.
Zooble smiled with their eyes. “I already took a few out for myself. The rest is yours.”
Before Jax could argue, they walked off. He mumbled a ‘thank you’ before walking back into his room and turning on his lights. He usually chose not to eat in the circus, not unless Caine made spaghetti, which only happened twice after Ribbit’s abstraction. He stopped getting physiological needs for it after a week of doing it. Sitting at his desk, he opened the box and was hit with a comforting smell of chocolate. The cookies looked delicious…
He took out a chocolate chip cookie and held it out to the photo of him, Ribbit, and Kaufmo. “To new beginnings?” In his mind, he heard their voices echoing ‘to new beginnings.’
He wiped away his tears and took a bite out of the cookie, silently sobbing as he ate the whole box.