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Lounging in her seat on Mephistopheles, Rodion had a lot of time to think.
It was late at night, so most of the other Sinners were asleep. The drive to their next mission would take some time, so the group planned to set up camp in District 10.
Admittedly, Rodion was unenthusiastic about the idea of revisiting J Corp. The last time they visited, she had come face to face with Sonya after god knows how long. Rodion didn’t like to be reminded of bad things. She preferred to focus on the present, keep moving forward at all costs. If she thought too long about the past, she’d be feeling super down, which she would prefer to avoid.
But despite knowing it would hurt, she continued this train of thought. She was too tired after a long battle and not in the mood to be positive.
She started reminiscing on Sonya, the life The Golden Bough showed to her, and what could have been if she made different choices. Where would she be if she didn’t tread this path? Would she actually be happy with what she had? Could she be?
She turned to look over at Gregor, asleep with his normal arm leaning against the windowsill, his head resting in his hand. The position looked uncomfortable but he seemed peaceful.
She was happy being with this company. She liked her colleagues, as chaotic as they could be.
She liked Dante, despite their struggles, they were always trying their best to look out for all of them.
She liked Sinclair, anxious as he could be, he was a good kid who was able to fight for what he believed in when necessary.
And she liked Gregor. A lot.
In fact she liked him way more than any of her other coworkers.
She really really liked him.
And then there it was. That feeling in her body she wanted so badly to escape. That feeling that always made itself known when she thought about Gregor and how badly she wanted him to-.
She grimaced as she looked away from Gregor.
She didn’t remember when this attraction started. Neither did she remember when the gross thoughts started. Perhaps she didn’t need to. It didn’t really matter what the cause of it was or when it started. It was another aspect of her body that made her feel filthy.
Rodion always yearned for connection. Something strong and genuine. She wanted to be with someone and definitively call them “her’s”. But she knew she couldn’t have that.
Because nothing ever really belonged to her.
Despite this, her brain would conjure up images and sensations of acts that made her feel disgusting. She didn’t want these thoughts. She didn’t want to think like this.
She didn’t want to think about HIM like that.
Sure, she found Gregor attractive, how could she not, but she hated the sinful thoughts that consumed her mind and body. It felt so good. And she hated it.
If Gregor found out, what the hell would he even say? Would he ever talk to her again? She doesn’t want him to stop being her friend. But she also wants more from their relationship.
She could feel the horrible tingly sensation as she sat on the bus, trying to avoid looking at Gregor.
It was going to be a long ride.
—-
As the group parked the bus in a discrete alleyway, the sinners filed off to get some fresh air and stretch.
Rodion made sure to keep a bit of distance from Gregor. She glanced over to him, as he stretched, cracking his back before lighting a cigarette.
Rodion found this act admittedly cute, but she was still a bit uncomfortable from the most recent batch of intrusive thoughts. A slew of lewd and inappropriate jokes and comments flew through her head, making her shoulders tense up. She would rather die permanently than ever let Gregor hear the things she thought about him. He’d probably think she was a disgusting pervert.
“Rodya?”
Shit.
Gregor’s voice rang in her ears.
“You good? You’ve been starin’ off a bit.”
“Hmmm? Just a bit tired, Greg. No need to worry.”
He raised an eyebrow before he turned to help the others set up camp.
Rodion wanted to help the other sinners, but she was too lost in her own mind. Even though she had long given up the compulsions that she believed resolved her of her sins, the urges remained.
Including the bad urges as well.
The urges to let herself be consumed in a recipe of pain and pleasure, the urge to indulge in her most hedonistic of desires. No matter what, she was a sinner through and through.
—-
Despite her tiredness, she couldn’t sleep.
She tried as best she could, but her active mind betrayed her body, as it often did. The endless obsessions never ended once she gave them room to fester.
So here she was, leaning against Mephistopheles, trying to keep her distance from the rest of the group.
But fate had other plans.
“Rodya.”
Of course.
“Greg, shouldn’t you be asleep?”
“Could say the same to you. You said you were tired.”
She pursed her lips. He always knew what she really felt.
She lets out a sigh. “I am tired. But I couldn’t sleep for some silly reasons.”
“That being…?” Gregor raises an eyebrow.
She stayed silent for a long time, trying to figure out what she wanted to say. Until finally she blurted something out.
“What do you like about me? Be specific.”
Gregor’s eyes widened in confusion before he chuckled and leaned against the bus as well.
“You’re funny. You always know how to lighten the mood, even when the situation is grim. You’re strong, you never stop fighting for what you believe in. And you’ve saved us all from death countless times. I can’t thank you enough for that. You’re one of the only people here who makes sure everyone else is taking care of themselves, especially when it comes to food. And…” he paused for a second. “You care. A lot. You care about all of us. And it’s not somethin’ I’m all that accustomed with. But it's a nice feeling. And it’s one I cherish. I…cherish you.”
Well, Rodion certainly got what she asked for.
She let out a sad laugh as she turned away.
“You’re making it really difficult, Greg darling.” She muttered.
“Making what difficult?"
She blushed.
“Heh, it’s really silly, you know. I was hoping to keep this a secret but…I feel like it’s best to just rip off the bandaid. It’ll keep bothering me unless I confess. There’s a part of me that really…really likes you. As more than just a coworker.”
Gregor looked completely stunned. His face was blushing a bright pink, so much so Rodion expected his glasses to start fogging up.
“W-What…you…”
“You don’t need to turn me down gently, I can handle the rejection-.”
“I-I- Wait…hang on. Don’t rush ahead to the worst conclusion. I…um….I really like you too.”
Now it was Rodion’s turn to freeze up.
She wasn’t expecting that.
She scoffed. “You…you idiot. If you knew who I really was…what I felt…what I thought. If you knew how disgusting I really was…you wouldn’t be so quick to reciprocate.”
“Oh come on. Don’t say that like I just met you. I don’t care what those thoughts are. I love you-.”
“You love the version of me I created. Not the real me.”
“And you love me despite my baggage.”
Rodion went silent.
“So why can’t I do the same for you?”
She felt a lump in her throat. She didn’t know how to respond. So she grabbed Gregor’s human hand and gently pulled him closer. With her other hand she ran her fingers through his messy brown hair.
“Can I…kiss you?”
Gregor chuckled. “Thought you’d never ask.”
Rodion smiled. She slowly leaned forward and pressed her lips against his.
She started softly, still a bit hesitant at first. But then she pushed forward a little more aggressively, causing Gregor to stumble.
“C-Careful…” he laughs.
Rodion’s stomach dropped. Great, she already ruined it. “Shit, sorry-.”
“Don’t apologize. Just keep kissing me.”
Rodion paused then chuckled lightly. “Sure thing, babe.” She resumed her passionate kisses.
“I-If we’re gonna be together now…I don’t want you to suffer in silence. I may not…be the best at helping. But I want to hear about those thoughts in your head that bother you so much.” Gregor mumbled in between kisses.
“You really don’t-.”
“I do. I want to know the real you. We’re all sinners, anyway.”
Rodion smiled wide.
The tingling sensation was returning. But for once it didn’t feel so bad. For once she didn’t feel awful for indulging in her fantasies and desires. It was a fantasy that felt truly real.
This was what she always dreamed of. And she felt happy. She didn’t want to let go.
The only thing that caused her to pull away from their makeout session was a loud gasp from behind her.
Rodion stopped and turned to see a flabbergasted Don Quixote and Heathcliff staring at them. Heathcliff let out a small groan as he shoved his hand into his pocket and handed some money to Don Quixote.
“Uh….how long have you guys been here?” Gregor asked, embarrassed.
“How long has this been a thing?” Heathcliff retorted.
“M-Mind your business, asshole!!” Gregor raised his bug arm in a threatening manner.
Rodion couldn’t help but laugh. Gregor was really cute when angry.
She couldn’t focus on the argument as Gregor chased Heathcliff and Don Quixote around Mephistopheles. Surely their antics were going to wake up the others any minute now. But Rodion didn’t care.
She was simply happy she found someone so amazing.